If you have robust mental health, how?

[Laverbreadeater]

I think its great at the moment so many people are opening up about their struggles with mental health and that there is less stigma about it even if support hasn't quite caught up! I myself struggle with anxiety and depression and over the past few years I have realised that so do many, many people perhaps even most people to some degree. However what I am interested in here is the people who do not suffer from mental health issues and in finding out why they think that is?

I have one close friend who falls into this catagory stable and at peace with herself which I am in awe of. I did ask her to try and explain why she thinks she is this way and she told me that she is pretty much always able to pinpoint quickly exactly what she is feeling and why which allows her to put thinks into perspective and take any action she needs to in order to sort things out. Sometimes that might be to take a break, eat something, have a nap or even just nothing and let the feeling pass. She is also good at balancing her life so she can manage things well. She had a tough time in her 20's as did I but she seems to have been able to use that as a learning experiance and lives her life now better because of it. While I still feel broken by my past at times.

If you are a strong person, how do you do it? Was it something you learned, did your parents teach you or is it just genetics?

Fascinating thread.

I remember a psychiatrist who said we study those who've had mental collapse after traumatic experiences, what we need to be also doing is studying those who have thrived despite traumatic events. We need to find out what makes them so resilient and pass those lessons on.

Am interested to hear from those people too.

Your sense of self is formed in infancy. If your parents aren't able to prioritise your needs and teach you to regulate your emotions by example and support, then it's really hard to learn as an adult.

Crucially, you are then susceptible to damaging the same areas again and again and leave yourself exposed in situations others avoid. It's like a process of reinforcing and repeating an injury.

We see it again and again on the relationships boards here, where wise vipers help people see their situations more clearly and learn how to better protect themselves and slowly heal and become less vulnerable.

Insufficient nurturing isn't the only influence- parents can do everything right but the child still experiences an illness or trauma that damages them. They can go a long way to making their children resilient though.

A lot of people are saying that it's down to luck, and I agree that does play a big part - you can't control your genetics (a lot of MH conditions have some heritability) or your early life - having a stable upbringing, good education, not living in poverty etc all reduce your chances of suffering from poor MH.

However I do think there is also quite a lot you can do to change the way you think about things and how you interpret events - this is basically what CBT does, tries to change negative thought patterns. We do have some degree of control over our thoughts, and we can also take proactive steps to protect our MH e.g. if we know our MH suffers when we are tired, doing things to ensure we get enough sleep. However not everyone is in the position to do all the lovely 'self care' things you read about online maybe due to lack of money or time or ill health etc.

The people I know who have really brilliant mental health all had love and stability in their early childhood’s, great support networks etc.

I’ve tried so much in terms of self help but abuse and trauma really do leave their scars and I think that I’m coming to a place where I realise I need to accept that I might always find life harder, struggle with anxiety and feel like an outsider. Acceptance and commitment therapy is something I’d recommend to people like me who have had a very troubled past.

The main ones for me are:

• don't fret about things that I can't change
• don't compare myself to others
• have some realistic ambitions but see them as nice-to-haves rather than the thing that will make me happy.
• generally believe that people act with good intentions even it comes out as irritating.

I just want to say thank you to all the people on this thread who've acknowledged that their good mental health is mainly down to luck. I'm really glad awareness is increasing that mental illness isn't something the individual has much control over at all really.

Yes there are treatments that can help, and they can be hugely powerful, but if they don't work that isn't always down the individual either. We're in a totally broken system and getting the right help and support is incredibly difficult. It takes a lot of resilience and determination to keep pushing after CBT etc has failed, or even made things worse for you.

All credit and respect to anyone whose experiencing mental health challenges and hasn't given up completely. We are the strongest imho.

[quote PastaAndPizzaPlease]@StCharlotte I’m not saying I attribute my good mental health to my ethnicity, but rather that my ethnicity allows me to feel like I belonged in the place I grew up and the media I consumed, and has never caused me any issues - I’m basing this on knowing the importance of role models from when I studied psychology/education and a BAME friend who ended up with terrible anxiety after being stop and searched by police officers a number of times as a teen and ended up fearful for their life. It ultimately manifested in agoraphobia.

Obviously this won’t hold true as a contributing factor for every white person, but given what we’ve learnt through the BLM movement it’s hard not to think it has contributed by not being an issue, if that makes sense.[/quote]
Thank you for replying. It's certainly an angle I hadn't considered before and has given me food for thought.

I don't know if I should really be giving advice as I have struggled with anxiety at times but most of the time I am pretty settled despite having a couple of quite horrible life events. Mainly I:

• Try to keep things in perspective - I ask myself whether what I'm worrying about will matter in 5 years and if the answer is probably not then I try to let it go
• Be logical and remind myself that usually the things I'm worrying about are either a) fairly unlikely or b) not within my control
• Try to have fairly low expectations... this sounds a bit sad, lol, but I try not to expect every day to be filled with endless happiness and joy. I plod along fairly well and take the rough with the smooth.
• Be grateful for the basics and remind myself that lots of people have much worse problems than me. Doesn't always work but it helps e.g. my DD has a developmental condition which I am worrying a lot about at the moment but I just try to be grateful for every day I have with her

The biggest issue for me is the energy it takes to develop 'good' habits.
There are ways of reacting and thinking and being that are healthier than others, and can be learned if they didn't come naturally. That's great, but... doing it all the time when it doesn't come naturally is exhausting. After a while I get too tired to challenge my internal demons, and I start to slip again.

Very interesting question!

For me it was finding the right therapist. I tried a few and they were ok, gave me a few tools. The I was recommended a therapist who transformed my life. He was a safe space, he really helped me understand and accept myself and taught me tools that I still use for accepting myself and situations. It is very personal though, the same therapist did not work out for a close family member. I guess everyone has unique needs, a mix of traumas and personality.

Really interesting thread. I agree that it's not a choice. I've just always been resilient, positive and motivated. I have what could be a relatively stressful job but it doesn't really bother me, I just get on with it.

Strong, supportive family who provided endless love and opportunities for us to grow and learn.

Good school and I was lucky to be quite clever and motivated

Strong friendship groups (the threads I identify least with on this site are for those people that have no friends)

Great education opportunities

No early trauma

No early loss

However my sister had the same familial environment as me and she has a tendancy towards anxiety, similar to my mum. My dad and I are more aligned in our laid backness!

I also think it's down to luck. I had a very dysfunctional upbringing and have a family history of MH issues. DF was bipolar, his sister is schizophrenic, my DSis suffers with anxiety.

Both my parents were emotionally unavailable, DM a narc and their marriage was obviously a shambles. Like everyone, I've had some tough times, three long term redundancies between DH and I, estrangement from my family, my own marriage is crumbling and DH is currently severely depressed. But I simply don't struggle with my own MH, I can identify that I am under stress, but able to compartmentalise that somehow and get on with my life. I am very fortunate.

I'm a very positive and content person. I would say this is due to the love and support I've always received from my parents, but my brother had the same love and support (and will agree with that), yet suffers from depression.

There is a lot to be said for knowing your personal limits.

I need plenty of sleep and to avoid alcohol for example.

We cannot change what happens to us and some people face terrible traumas, but if you are talking about general mental resiliance,

Don't look to others for validation or your happiness.
Lower your expectations, sometimes life is rather crap, or you just feel terrible, quiet acceptance is the key whilst knowing tomorrow could be very different.
Don't dwell enlessly on yourself, get out and be useful.

I agree some people are naturally more easily depressed but finding your triggers and using work arounds make a big difference.

Upbringing does make a difference but attitude can overcome many deficiencies in upbringing, although serious trauma needs professional help.

I've had poor mental health since I hit my teens and it's only gone away in the last two years - it's not a coincidence that I hit the menopause then. I'll take the physical stuff (aches, pains, hot flushes etc) over the mental hormonal anguish any day

Thanks to everyone who replied here some really interesting answers and some helpful things to consider.

Just to say I wasn't trying to suggest that we can choose or not choose our mental health but I do think that some people have a way of looking at the world or dealing with things that makes it a bit easier for them that perhaps other might be able to try. I guess from my observation my friend has a similer up bringing to me and similer experiances of issues in her 20's and yet I feel she has come out of it better able to cope then me and I think thats at least in part to her ability to understand what she's feeling and not get overwhelmed and therefore be able to put things in context. I don't think doing that for example would be helpful for a serious mental health issue but it might be helpful for the day to do as well as many of the things mentioned here. I'm going to try and start doing some of the things mentioned here myself.

1. Been through loads of shit in my life and have coped so I know I am strong.

2. I have an amazing mother who always has my back and gives the best advice.

3. I go running to burn off the stress.

4. I sometimes have a glass of wine or two and that helps as a release, too. (No I am not an alcoholic at all - I recently didn't drink for many months - but the power of a couple of glasses of wine with a girlfriend is strong and fabulous - as long as you don't have an alcohol problem, obvs).

5. My husband is also mentally strong

@Stompythedinosaur

I'm writing from the perspective of a MH professional but also someone who is pretty robust with my own mental health.

People don't choose to have good or bad mental health and it isnt something you can control very easily. Early life experiences have a massive impact - i believe my own resilience comes from having a strong bond with dm (despite having a shitty and abusive father, luckily he was out a lot).

I think that experiencing some adversity is helpful, as long as it doesn't push you too far.

I also think a really solid base if feeling loved by the people in my life helps. And having a safe and stable home. And having something in my life that I feel confident I am good at helps my self esteem massively.

This. Very much. Also, and I’m going to sound like a boring twat, exercise, nature (be it pets, gardening whatever), eating regularly and properly, being careful with booze and drugs, being happy with your significant other or otherwise being happily single and NOT biting off more than you can chew either because you are competitive, materialistic, status conscious (stay AWAY from too much pointless social media) or doing it to please others. You have to find a comfortable level personally and professionally if that makes sense?

Put yourself first, look after yourself and then you can effectively take care of others. x

This is a really interesting thread.. I also feel its very much a mixture of genetics, personality type, upbringing and a lack of early trauma. So many factors are just luck.

I know people that have had great upbringing and no trauma, with no sign of hereditary MH issue who really seem to struggle with life... In some cases it seems like that cushioned childhood has made them unable to cope with day to day ups and downs.

On the other side of the coin relatives had a terrible early life by most standards and are mentally very strong.

My DH has a 50/50 split amongst his siblings for serious mental issues. One if brought up differently may have been more robust perhaps, the other I think would always have struggled unfortunately. The two without MH issues are very strong determined characters that are not very sensitive... I often wonder if its just lick of genetics or if that's why they have managed to miss the MH issues as there natural personality or if the environment made them that way.

I don't think I have robust MH in fact but I'm usually pretty stable. I learned my warning signs for slipping downwards into depression after some terrifying times in late adolescence and early adulthood. and know obvious things like to eat well, get to bed and have a certain amount of human contact. Plus some more individual things that help me.

I do feel lucky to have had a grounded childhood and a reflective nature. But there were also some innate issues and difficult circumstances that have left their mark. But then I often have low expectations as per a previous poster so that I am quite often easily pleased.

Shifting hormones can wreak havoc however with that balance I've had through middle adulthood so I do have a sense that I am currently paddling through the rapids again.

I am thankful I never got involved with drugs. I wonder if they'd have tipped me over.

And then I absolutely did crumble into pieces with grief...and through that discovered that I was still me. Which was so liberating, to lose that fear of breaking because I knew I could rebuild ... I can always rebuild, and that's a brilliant truth to carry around

That’s very powerful @MutteringDarkly. It’s all very well for people who were born into loving homes and have led lives without trauma to claim they have robust mental health but you can’t know that without having endured grief, loss or real trauma and then discovering that you have the power to rebuild as many times as you need to. Thanks for that insight.

I don’t think it’s about choosing but I also don’t think it’s purely down to luck.

I think that some of us don’t get a choice as to what MH problems might befall us, but we can choose the actions to take to hopefully counter those.

I think the two things which are most important are, not over thinking,and realising that you can’t change things you can only change your attitude towards them.

I have robust mental health. I was born with a visual impairment/sent to boarding school away from my family/have been divorced and unemployed and then four years ago I was diagnosed with a serious heart condition which has thus far landed me in intensive care three times.

Last year I crashed and had to be defibrilated and woke up feeling the shock on my chest. Then a couple of weeks later I had a cardiac arrest and the consultant actually started compressions before my heart stopped fully to try and prevent it. I remember it vividly,and after I came round I thought this was the one thing I might need some therapy to help me to come to terms with. But in time,and with seeing the crash teams go to other people it just became a memory and something which I can tell people about without being affected by it at all.

Both the first and most recent times I’ve been in hospital the nurses said to me “you’re always so positive, and you have never complained about the procedures etc we’ve had to do,” and my response is that being upset about it isn’t going to change them having to do it, so if we just get on with it then we’ll be back to normal afterwards.

A friend of my mum’s always says that she doesn’t ever feel she has the right to be sad about things when she feels about everything I have been and am going through, and her response is that I am perfectly happy always, something which I think she struggles with as well..

I also think though that it’s important not to compare ourselves to others. It’s important for someone like me with robust MH not to look at others and wonder why they can’t be like me and have my attitude, but by the same token those who do struggle with their MH shouldn’t wonder why they can’t be more like people who have more robust MH. We all have to find our own way through things, because what works for one doesn’t work for another etc.

Mostly, it’s luck! Background, stability, chemical balance, hormones, and happening across strategies that work for you.

what works for me is being able to mentally compartmentalise. So if there’s a Bad Thing troubling me then I can “switch off” to it temporarily by doing something else. Often I do better with a “project” to focus on. I don’t meant I ignore problems or trauma but I ‘m able not to think about them constantly. It gives me a “mental holiday” and keeps me on an even keel. I’m a slightly obsessive personality type so otherwise I’d really suffer IMO. As it is I think my mental health is fairly good.

I think genetics, environment, circumstances, attitude, hormones and health all play a part.

I've had depression but twice it was caused by the implant. I left a religion a few years ago and the sense of relief has been amazing, leaving all that guilt and pressure behind.
Some things we have control over but unfortunately others we don't.

I agree that it's mostly luck!