If you have robust mental health, how?

[Laverbreadeater]

I think its great at the moment so many people are opening up about their struggles with mental health and that there is less stigma about it even if support hasn't quite caught up! I myself struggle with anxiety and depression and over the past few years I have realised that so do many, many people perhaps even most people to some degree. However what I am interested in here is the people who do not suffer from mental health issues and in finding out why they think that is?

I have one close friend who falls into this catagory stable and at peace with herself which I am in awe of. I did ask her to try and explain why she thinks she is this way and she told me that she is pretty much always able to pinpoint quickly exactly what she is feeling and why which allows her to put thinks into perspective and take any action she needs to in order to sort things out. Sometimes that might be to take a break, eat something, have a nap or even just nothing and let the feeling pass. She is also good at balancing her life so she can manage things well. She had a tough time in her 20's as did I but she seems to have been able to use that as a learning experiance and lives her life now better because of it. While I still feel broken by my past at times.

If you are a strong person, how do you do it? Was it something you learned, did your parents teach you or is it just genetics?

Complete unconditional love from my mother. Seeing how strong she was when handling (and subsequently leaving) my alcoholic father.
Having a strong sense of identity from childhood (knowing my strengths and weaknesses, accepting both without judgement).
Being logical and scientific in solving problems that arose in my life (divorce, miscarriage).
Self-awareness (through meditation).
Volunteer work abroad and seeing how people live in truly difficult conditions.
Having a spiritual path (the book that started it and changed my life was 'happiness' by Matthieu Ricard).

Interesting question, I had (have - my DPs are still alive even though I am over 60 ) a very happy upbringing - my DPs were encouraging, supportive and always proud of me for whatever (minor) achievements I had.
I've always found it easy to make friends and am a great 'joiner' so happy to go alone to new clubs, committees etc as I feel confident that I will be welcomed and meet like minded people.
I take responsibility for my own happiness, I do have a DH & a DS but I don't rely on them for my 'happiness' - and I aim for contentment rather than total happiness all the time.
I am not interested in expensive 'stuff' or having a bigger, better house/car/holiday etc than other people and I don't use social media - apart from Mumsnet . I also have a faith and the involvement with church family is important to me.

Nice, stable upbringing, no real traumas, not rich but comfortable, live in a nice place, happily married, pretty easy kids etc. I also think that I have a fairly philosophical attitude to life, don't put too much pressure on myself etc. I'm not a very emotional person and tend not to have big highs and lows

^

This.

Although I do attribute a huge amount of confidence /resilience to doing martial arts in a demanding environment in early adolescence.

I don't know exactly. Possibly because I've suffered a lifetime of rejection starting with my father when I was a kid. I've just learned not to "feel" so much. It's hardened me to be honest.

My mum suffers with depression and has done my whole life, I never have so not genetic here.

Lovely, kind, fun, encouraging parents. They valued me as an individual and valued education. I have high self esteem from them which has meant I go into situations feeling confident and capable. So I have always chosen nice friends and nice partners and a wonderful DH who supports me, is clever and kind. It's a support network I can fall back on if work is tough or I'm stressed meaning I'm resilient. And a whole heap of good luck that nothing terrible has happened to me which may challenge this.

If you are a strong person, how do you do it? Was it something you learned, did your parents teach you or is it just genetics?

I work in MH, have had my own experiences and I have a husband with a severe mental illness. I think the people I work with and my husband are incredibly strong. I have struggled with my mental health due to my experiences, and I class myself as a very resilient person.

It's down to genetics, biology, social factors, luck, upbringing and your experiences. Just look at how trauma affects the brain for example.

There are so many different factors involved, and whilst people can take steps to help their mental health, it's really the luck of the draw.

Luck. I'm just naturally resilient - I don't need to work at it. However, the person who impresses me most is my DS. He's 11 and he has a much more naturally anxious personality. he's very good at identifying when he has an issue then implementing self-regulation and self-care. For example, he'll get stressed on the Xbox and decide to come off and not go back on until the next day. If he's had a couple of stressful days he'll deliberately choose non-stressful activities the next day.

I think there's far more to learn from people who choose to do this than those like me that rely on natural resilience. IYSWIM.

10 years of depression. Last AD taken in 2015.

Contributing factors to recovery were/are:

Ceasing hormonal contraception.

Making health and fitness a priority and hobby.

Counselling for trauma and fully dealt with issues.

Honestly, the main factor was the contraception. As soon as I stopped that, I felt so much better. The fitness I still use as a natural boost of serotonin. I really feel it if I don't work out.

I went back on hormonal contraception briefly after having DC1. I was kind of pushed into it. I regretted it so bad. Hormonal mood swings, on the verge of PND and 2 week long periods with 2 weeks reprieve in-between for 6 months. Awful. Very clearly a contributing factor to my depression.

I had a very safe and stable upbringing with very little upheaval, parents who remained in love with each other and who placed little value on material wealth and didn't ever put pressure on me.

Judging by how my dh was brought up and how that has impacted on his mh, I think I was incredibly fortunate.

I'm not very resilient, I take criticism at work very personally. I was in a career where I was managed quite closely and also (unrelated) didn't enjoy the level of gossiping and talking behind colleagues' backs about them. ... So I left and went for a much lower pressure job. I love the new job (nearly 10 years in now so it's not the honeymoon period!), much more relaxed atmosphere both in terms of management and working environment. It's a big pay cut from where I could have been by now if I'd continued in my graduate job, but I don't regret a thing. My mental health is great and I'm so happy to be where I am.

Also, my religious faith plays a massive part in it, but that's perhaps not as helpful for people who don't have a faith.

Outside of work, I seem to be able to just accept that some things just happen and I can't do anything to change the past, and so I move on without massive trauma. I got through being left for another woman, losing house, nearly losing job and dc all at the same time. It took a few days of the occasional teary moment, and then I just picked myself up and got on with life. It never occured to me that there was another option.

I have a scene that I focus on when I want to get to sleep, and I'm nearly always asleep within 5 minutes of starting to think about it. I used to lie awake for hours stressing about things. Now I just let them go at bedtime and, if needed, carry on trying to find a solution the next day.

Oh, and I agree with a pp that I hated hormonal contraception. Was awful for my MH. I'm well out of that.

I'd say I have pretty robust mental health. I put it down to a really happy childhood where I felt 100% loved and secure - have never doubted my parents love for 1 second and they've always been there to support me and cheer me on. It has made it 'easy' to feel happy/ know what positive loving relationships are all about/ have reasonably high self esteem. However, saying that, I'm a teacher and have sen severs students who I'm fairly sure have had that same loving background who have been crippled with mental health issues so I don't think family background can be the sole factor.

I grew up in care til I was 10 so went through a huge amount of trauma before I was at an age where I could deal with it. I was adopted by fabulous people who taught me basics like kindness, hard work and what family should look like. Not perfect, but as close as can be.

Therapy, exercise, honesty and celebrations are key to my adult stability. I went through years of therapy in my late 20's and swear by it for learning how to recognise and process emotions. Exercise keeps my endorphins high so I'm calmer, happier and feel stronger when tough moments hit. Honesty in my relationships and particularly my marriage - when we're having a tough time we speak openly about it, when I'm cross we talk, grudges don't happen because we just work stuff out. And I celebrate everything; the first day back at school for the DC is a reason for a little celebration, we celebrated having survived lockdown, the beginning of autumn, always feeling like there's something to look forward to, that helps enormously.

I honestly believe it's mostly luck, though. I could do all of the above and still struggle with MH if I was a different personality.

I’m working so hard on this at the moment, after decades of anxiety, OCD and other delights.

Over the last 15ish years, I’ve done

Talking therapy
Citalopram
Read a lot of self-help books
Journaling

I’m starting to really get somewhere now - the key things that have really tipped the balance towards good MH have been

Exercise
Giving up alcohol

And also finding a partner who loves me properly. I feel I can finally trust.

CBT

I had a really stable childhood and was supported to do well at school, where I was popular.
Fast forward, I have a really lovely marriage and 2 adopted children (I am infertile) so am very lucky.

I am always "busy" - always worked full time and have lots of hobbies and interests. I think that helps me to stay robust. If I finished a project, I'm looking for the next one. It keeps me ticking I think.

But mainly it's luck and a supportive family

It's luck. I have 'robust' mental health and I'd be lying if I could say it's anything that I've done myself.

It's something that I've had to learn over the years, though. When I was younger I thought that if people just decided to not let things bother them, then they wouldn't. I now know through education and experience a lot more about how mental health works, and that for the most part, people don't have control over how they feel about certain situations.

I was born this way! I feel sad, anxious etc but I can put everything in perspective. Dd has been on the verge of being sectioned twice, she takes after her screwed up father

My upbringing wasn't conventional, or the most consistent (including major traumatic events), but I was loved.

I tend to see the big picture.
I compartmentalise specific things.
Most events pass. Even the really shitty phases.
I have healthy boundaries and relationships.
I can usually work out the root of what an issue is.
I exercise a lot, usually outdoors. Eat fairly well. Light, occasional drinker. Never did drugs.
I am fortunate to be in a position where I can look after my wellbeing and not be in a constant slog of survival.
That doesn't mean everything is easy and I haven't had my issues along the way, but I don't define myself by them.

It's not an even playing field, some people are more wired or chemically prone to issues like depression or anxiety, but there are physical and psychological ways of making the most of your potential.

It's an interesting question, I have what I'd consider to be very robust mental health. It's partly luck - I had a great childhood, very stable, supportive and loving, and I was academically very successful as well as being sporty, and developed very high self esteem and confidence in my abilities from all of that. It wasn't all sunshine though - my father had an affair and left when I was 10 so it was just me and my Mum for a long time. I'm very lucky to have had her as an amazing example of a strong, resilient but loving woman - she's just one of life's copers and so am I. We're both very practical and pragmatic with a very dry sense of humour so we tend to find the blackest humour in whatever shit life throws. If I'm not happy about something and it's something that I can change then I'll change it. If I can't change it, I don't dwell on it, I'll figure out a Plan B. And failing that, time heals all wounds/this too shall pass. I have a pretty unshakeable belief that I'll always be ok, my Mum instilled that in me - whatever happens might be shit but I can deal with it and try to learn from it. I'm not a relentlessly positive person though, I'm fairly cynical and don't suffer fools. My bullshit/drama tolerance is pretty much zero and I can and will very easily cut people out of my life if they fuck me around.

I am lucky to have had relatively few traumas in life - we've had some family bereavements and I've had no contact with my father for nearly 15 years now, but that's about it. I've always felt very much in control of my own life and my destiny which I think is massively important. I have worked hard to get into a career that I adore doing the only thing I ever wanted to do, I have an amazing DP, I have my beloved dogs who are the joys of my life, I have no children and don't want any, I have travelled the world - travel is one of my greatest passions, I have a few wonderful friends who I can always rely on, I'm healthy and very fit and active, I moved to Canada a couple of years ago and utterly adore it here, we are financially very comfortable and I have a lot of time and money to do what I want when I want... So I'm very lucky, but I've also made a lot of that happen myself.

Last but definitely not least, I've always been very outdoorsy and done a huge amount of exercise which contributes enormously to my state of mind. If I'm physically fit and strong I feel mentally fit and strong - and also on a superficial (but nonetheless important) level, I like the way I look. I don't think I can overstate the importance of exercise and especially being outdoors in nature to me both physically and mentally.

I don't drink alcohol or hold any kind of religious faith, both of those leave a very bad taste in my mouth.

I enjoy good mental health and always have done. I think it’s down to luck primarily but I do see some differences between the way I ‘see the world’ and how others I have known who have mental health issues do.
Like app, I see the bigger picture and compartmentalise areas of my life. This enables me to relax and switch off properly.
If I feel bad about something, I can quickly identify why and what will make me feel better, if it’s something I can’t change, I am good at feeling the pain and then letting go and choosing a different path/ moving on.
I don’t over think things.
I don’t spend time with people who don’t make me feel good. Sounds harsh, but I’m fine with letting friendships lapse or cutting people out if they aren’t doing anything for me.
Likewise, I feel responsible for my immediate family only, I truly care only about them, I don’t let anyone else’s life worry me and just don’t get involved, I avoid dramas and live a peaceful life this way.
My time is my most valuable asset, I don’t waste it on activities that don’t benefit me or my family. I deserve and enjoy time to myself.
I have high self esteem and know my worth, I care very little what other people think of me.
I get out in the fresh air every day.
I live in the moment as much as possible
I describe myself as a ‘realistic optimist‘
I had a stable and loving upbringing, made good life choices and have a good marriage, I appreciate all this is pure luck.

I had a good upbringing but some significant traumatic losses up to my early twenties (4/5 grandparents dying within five years, brother in law died in tragic circumstances and the death of a child in the family, plus another family member with severe mental and physical health issues I was a carer and and a parent with life changing health issues through medical negligence).

I compartmentalise very well - I seem to be able to just think ‘nope not thinking about this anymore’ and close the emotions around it.
I also seem to have an inbuilt confidence that it will all work out alright for me in the end, which I would guess is a combination of supportive parents, teachers and reading an awful lot as a child, with books where it did work out.
I’m academically and musically able so I’d say that as I progressed through school and did well, this feeling was borne out and strengthened.

I’m also white which I think matters.

Hit send too soon!

I’m white, which I think matters in that I don’t have any generation trauma (I’m half Irish, but I don’t think that’s quite the same) and I don’t face racism everyday.

I grew up in a community which was 99% white, so I constantly saw people who looked like me and as I’m reasonably conventionally attractive, I also saw ‘myself’ in the media a lot growing up, including in positions of success.

I have complex PTSD from an emotionally abusive marriage and a serious violent rape post marriage.

Yet I’ve never let it drag me to the depths or affect my work/life/kids/future. I have a high drive function which allows me to focus on how to deal with any temporary blips by doing something to get out of them, I have also learnt to take care of myself if I feel down, and change thoughts to the positive. I also am quite dispassionate, I can objectively look at a feeling and analyse why I am feeling it and how to “fix” myself.

Honestly? I think it’s pure luck of being given robust resilience by my parents and upbringing, and sheer stubbornness and optimism. I did have a psychologist post attack who helped me define and understand what I had Instinctively done all along which gave me even more ability to proactively take action.

Good MH Is a gift of upbringing as much as anything else and I will be forever grateful for it. I would never judge anyone else as “weak” because there but for the grace is god go I.

Oh that’s interesting, reading back the themes seem to be very much upbringing and the ability to compartmentalise, without those people seem to need to work much harder.

Interesting thread OP.