Relative really hurt me with ‘joke’

[endofaugust]

I was 23 stone start of this year . I’ve worked very, very hard and lost three stone so far . I can feel a difference, I can see a bigger one . I took a before and after photo, and showed it to a relative .

That relative on phone today, said, ‘can you send me that photo of you and your ‘big sister’ - you know; when the big fat sister?’

I was called fat every day in school, I think it of myself all the time and I didn’t need her to say that . She has said it many, many times before .

In same conversation she was asking after family heirloom, I said I was given it years ago and still had it . Said I really should hand it down to cousin as ‘the way you are you’re not ever likely to get married or give birth are you?’

I’ve got PCOS and have been told I might have difficulty conceiving; she knows that - her comment has really hit a sore point .

I didn’t know what to say and just tried to laugh it off and change the subject but I’m feeling totally deflated . I worked so hard to lose that weight, I felt good, but it’s not enough in her eyes .

I’m not sure where to go with it next - just pretend she never said it? NC isn’t an option.

...Yeah, that relative is a complete bitch. There's no excuse for either of those things. She's really not worth your time and trouble.

Regarding your weight loss, congratulations! It's not easy to make positive changes, and every step in the right direction is worth celebrating!

And as for the family heirloom, you should keep it and enjoy it until your dying day, if you want. It's yours, now, and it's none of her concern whether or not you ever have a child to give it to. You can always pass it along if/when you decide which member of the next generation would appreciate it the most... or bequeath it to them in your will... or sell it, or donate it to a museum or a charity or... Anything. It's yours. If she doesn't like it, tough luck!

Doesn't really matter if its good enough in her eyes! Where to go next we'll what I would do is everytime you're running on the treadmill think of you stamping on her head and that should push you harder and you don't need to say anything to her you losing weight and holding your head high will speak volumes and piss on her cornflakes

Did I miss where you mentioned why you can't go NC or even VLC with this person?
I would stop sharing so much information with her and stop looking for validation from her. Keep going with your weight loss - losing 3 stone in a lockdown and pandemic is not to be laughed at. It's to be commended.
For your own health, keep going with the weight loss. You're doing great!
Only speak with this person when you absolutely have to.

You sound like a nice person and you don’t deserve to be treated like this

She wanted to spoil your feeling of achievement. She is intentionally nasty to you. There is no excuse for it. I certainly wouldn't pretend she hadn't said it, call her up on her shitty behaviour.

Well done on your weight loss, that's amazing! She really was aiming for where it hurts with her other comment. Do not feel deflated - start getting angry and stop letting her away with such awful behaviour

@TheSunIsStillShining

on the fat thing: 23 stone is fat. It's a fact. on the heirloom thing: just tell her to go suck an egg. That was really uncalled, insensitive and nasty.

So was your 'fat' comment

You should be ashamed of yourself. Bully

Tell her where to go. I feel your pain.

She's a cunt. Always reflect on that fact.

Well done on the weight loss OP your relative sounds horrible

TheSunIsStillShining
on the fat thing: 23 stone is fat. It's a fact.

It's a fact that you sound like Katie Hopkins.

Well done OP. xx

I would go No Contact with this person, or as little as possible (only weddings and funerals or something) and don't speak to her at any time on your own. If others are present she won't feel she can be as out of line (in theory.)

It's her, not you.

You are doing really well.

Maybe say "You are really important to me. I would much prefer it if you didn't make personal comments about my weight or other physical conditions. I am sure you mean it in a lighthearted way but it doesn't come across like that from where I am sitting. So, lay off the comments, OK?" if she starts with you being 'oversensitive' just say 'how I feel is how I feel. And I am paying you the compliment of sharing my feelings with you'. And just stop the discussion. And keep your distance.

I am glad you are feeling your success in yourself. That's what matters. Not her.

Well done, bullies need to belittle folk, don’t give her attention she craves.
Tell her life is unexpectedly, you may have children and get married.
Keep up the weight loss, feel good too xx

Well done for losing the weight op, what a nasty, nasty bitch.

The problem with people like that is that they're clearly nasty so there just aren't any words that will ever make them change. If you can't go nc just use your justifiable anger to keep losing the weight and show her how fucking awesome you are.

Congratulations on your achievement, OP, and please don’t let rude comments discourage you. You’ve come a long way, you have farther to go and you've shown you have the strength to get there.

Your relative’s comments are not jokes but insults. The one about your likelihood of having a child was so vicious it made my jaw drop.

I would stop confiding in this person and keep as much of a distance as you can, emotionally even if physically is not practical. I’m guessing this is a very close relative. But you don’t have to put up with this, OP. Xx

Life is way to short to have negative people in your life..get rid..i dont mean bury her under patio but certainly go NC...bloody well done on your weight loss...im struggling to lose a stone..its so hard

Well done on your weight loss. , massive achievement.

Don't ring her, don't send photos, don't tell her anything about yourself. Grey rock is your friend.
Bitchy comments are replied with, "every time you make a mean comment about me, hurts my feelings and diminishes our relationship. I'd like you to stop" if she apologises carry on chatting, if she tells you she was joking, "well I'm not laughing so it's not funny" and end the conversation.

Sadly you've made yourself an easy target for a nasty woman by not pulling her up on it. Remember other people have abandoned her for a reason. Don't be a sacrificial lamb.

@Inthebleakmidwinteriwouldsing

It’s ok to show a reaction when someone is so horrendously rude.

Feel free to gasp and say, “I can’t BELIEVE you just said that!”

Let there be an awkward silence. It wasn’t you who caused it.

Exactly!

Personally, I'd follow up with a puzzled look and say, "What a horrible, deliberately cruel thing to say. Do you hate me?"

It's none of her business what you do with your property. I'd sooner throw it in a skip than follow her suggestion. And as for never likely to marry - bollocks. I'm 19 stone and I'm married to someone who loves me deeply. Why shouldn't you find someone?

Firstly, realise that people who have to do this to people to feel better about themselves aren't happy, better to pity her than anything else.

Secondly, stop giving her pleasure of upsetting you. What she wants is to make you feel like shit. The only piece of shit here is her, so focus on yourself, your self-esteem and your weight loss journey and kick the bitch out of your head.

Thirdly - this person doesn't deserve anything but the bare minimum from you (if that). Toxic family members soon move on to bullying someone else if you refuse to take their shit.

Last but not least, WELL DONE ON YOUR WEIGHT LOSS!! I'm sure you are starting to feel more confident and healthy. It really is the cherry on the cake that it's pissing bitchface off, too

Sorry, one last thing, you don't need to make excuses for her behaviour. She's being a C U Next Tuesday, AND SHE KNOWS IT!!

You are not the 5 year old she called fat any more. You're an adult. You don't take that shit from ANYONE.

There was a time on Mumsnet when one of the recommended responses was "Did you mean to be so rude?" It would be perfect here if you wanted to find out but, personally, I don't think you need to know. She is rude and bringing you down so why put yourself through it? I would suggest you just keep her at more of a distance so her nasty barbs don't reach you

I would seriously reassess whether no contact is really impossible. If it is, go as low contact as possible, and make that contact merely performance....have no actual emotional relationship with this person, no expectations and no attachment as far as you can. Simply perform the minimum basic script for polite conversation. It's not you, it's her.

Well done on your weight loss, fantastic effort xx

What a horrible woman.

Just tell her you have to go and put the phone down.

Don't answer her calls and don't phone her.

People like that aren't worth your time.

She doesn’t want you to lose the weight. She doesn’t want you to feel good about yourself.
Nobody EVER says “after all, you are unlikely to get married/have children” by accident.
She wants to hurt you. She wants you to feel so shit about yourself that you won’t continue to lose the weight

I agree with @GameofChess. Some people are careless about what they say, or have poorly targeted humour but I think this is intended to wound you and keep you from changing yourself and being empowered. She’s a cunt of the first order and if you can’t tell her so (and I understand it’s complicated to do so) then you MUST go no or very low contact with her and don’t share information with her about your life and don’t share information about yourself with anyone who will be gossiping with her. Her opinion of you is not important and she mustn’t be given the chance to hurt you. You’ve done brilliantly to lose three stone and you sound like you’re on the right road and changing something you want to change - don’t let her try and take that away from you because of her own inadequacies. If you see her face to face and she says something nasty don’t laugh it off, go grey rock on her, silent, fixed expression, let your displeasure be known, let the silence deafen. If you want someone to change their behaviour first change yours - so don’t accommodate her meanness.

Honestly, sometimes I would love to get my hands on someone and give them a good verbal (and literal) kicking - why do people have to be so nasty??

Firstly "Well done", ive been trying to lose a bit of weight and know how hard it is.
Secondly, dont give her the satisfaction of being able to bring you down, she sounds like one nasty so n so. Shes wrong, you sound like a lovely person, you may well meet someone and have a child, theres all sorts you can be helped with even adoption in the future which will be your child, if thats what you decide is right for you.
Its time along with losing this weight to stand up for yourself. Tell her no, you wont pass on this family item.