Relative really hurt me with ‘joke’

[endofaugust]

I was 23 stone start of this year . I’ve worked very, very hard and lost three stone so far . I can feel a difference, I can see a bigger one . I took a before and after photo, and showed it to a relative .

That relative on phone today, said, ‘can you send me that photo of you and your ‘big sister’ - you know; when the big fat sister?’

I was called fat every day in school, I think it of myself all the time and I didn’t need her to say that . She has said it many, many times before .

In same conversation she was asking after family heirloom, I said I was given it years ago and still had it . Said I really should hand it down to cousin as ‘the way you are you’re not ever likely to get married or give birth are you?’

I’ve got PCOS and have been told I might have difficulty conceiving; she knows that - her comment has really hit a sore point .

I didn’t know what to say and just tried to laugh it off and change the subject but I’m feeling totally deflated . I worked so hard to lose that weight, I felt good, but it’s not enough in her eyes .

I’m not sure where to go with it next - just pretend she never said it? NC isn’t an option.

Make sure you keep that heirloom for yourself.
I would go minimum contact if I were you, and if she asks why, tell her how she upset you.

What a bitch she is. If you don’t tell her she hurt your feelings, nothing will change and she’ll keep insulting you. Say something and don’t let her dismiss your feelings.

That is not funny, the woman is dreadful to say such things to you.

Wow she sounds a right charmer! You are doing so well OP and I think you would be better off without people like her in your life.

@OhCaptain

Sorry, I’m being thick because nobody else is confused but was she calling your sister fat??

Thank you for the well dones, it is horrendously hard work !

Not my mother thank goodness !

Definitely me - there were two photos of me side by side a year apart . Probably a bit self indulgent but I felt good, for the first time in a long time, because I could see I’d lost weight. So she was referring to me .

I know 23 stone is fat, I’m still fat now at 20 stone and probably will be for a long time (hopefully I continue to lose as I am just now!) but there’s ways of saying it that aren’t so rude I think . It isn’t the first time, it started when I was about five years old - ‘joking’ that she’d better hide all the food from me, or that I was the ‘elephant in the room’ . It hurts hugely and always has and it’s never promoted me to make a change yet .

I don’t know how to explain how I feel to her without upsetting lots of other people . Although my cousin has effectively cut her off too but in doing so very few relatives talk to her now sadly . I think probably low contact is the way to go, or keeping conversation to weather and not other things, that’s probably the answer . Just caught me completely off guard today . She does know I have PCOS and she’s aware that it can cause fertility problems, she knows they’ve talked to me about IVF . I suppose she’s never experienced any of that though so can’t really sympathise .

What a cow. She's probably jealous of your success.

Keep the heirloom and picture for yourself. Relative has no way of knowing what will happen in your future and should not pass comment.

You keep thinking positive and congrats on the weight loss - that is tough going and a real achievement. Well done you.

@OhCaptain No - I'm confused too, and I need to get right. Did this woman - your mum, presumably, or aunt I guess - ring your sister and say 'Can you send me that photo or you and your big sister?' meaning she and you, and you're not the big sister in terms of age? Or you are, but she added 'You know - big as in fat sister' to make it abundantly clear?

What a horrible insensitive woman your relative is. I’d be tempted to say ‘that hurts’ next time she says something inappropriate. I bet she will say there’s no harm meant etc but if you remind her every single time she will get the message. If not, I’m sure you’re too sensitive and kind to tell her she’s thick.

Oh, ok. I think I see. Sorry - that was a really delayed post. Don't know why.

Fantastic that you’ve lost 3 stone already OP. And we’re only 75% through the year.
She doesn’t want you to lose the weight. She doesn’t want you to feel good about yourself.
Nobody EVER says “after all, you are unlikely to get married/have children” by accident.
She wants to hurt you. She wants you to feel so shit about yourself that you won’t continue to lose the weight.

You have to decide whether you love yourself enough to ignore her completely and nurture yourself to a healthy weight.
Don’t show her any pictures, don’t mention your continued weight loss, don’t ask for any validation from her whatsoever. I bet that, as you continue to lose the weight, her vitriol will increase.
Some people just cannot be happy for another person. It’s not in them.
Stay strong in your mind. Love yourself; if you can drop so much weight in such a short time I’m sure you can reach and maintain a weight you are happy with.

I have PCOS and had IVF to achieve my family. Your relative is a bit of a buzz kill isn’t she? I have one like that. I stopped talking to her this year and life is better. You don’t have to be dramatic about it, just avoid interacting.

Well done on the weight loss you should be enormously proud of yourself.

I just want to say Congratulations on the weight loss. That is brilliant, esp given lockdown. Just focus on that and don't let her negativity get you down!

I would tell her to run and jump off a cliff. You don’t deserve to be treated like that by anyone but especially not someone who is family. I would be going at most low contact with them if not no contact- and I would make them aware why! Well done on the weight loss btw- that’s amazing!

Fantastic that you’ve lost 3 stone already OP. And we’re only 75% through the year

Ahem 64%

I'd simply tell her to go fuck herself

If you can’t cut her out. Next time she says something shit just say ‘oh that made me feel sad.’ Whatever she says next just stuck to the theme. It doesn’t matter what her okay is - she can be angry or deny it whatever - just say ‘yeah well it did hurt me you know ‘ but keep in control - not too emotional. You have said what you needed to and there is no where reasonable for her to go other than sorry.

1. Well done on your weight loss! This is an incredible achievement already.
2. Please don't send her the photo. I would fear that she would use it maliciously.
3. Keep the heirloom. You decide what will be of it, if anything, in your own time.

Congrats on your excellent weight loss!

Tell that bitch to FOTTFSOF

@TheSunIsStillShining

on the fat thing: 23 stone is fat. It's a fact. on the heirloom thing: just tell her to go suck an egg. That was really uncalled, insensitive and nasty.

Wtaf?

The OP knows what size she is. Shaming is uncalled for, insensitive and nasty.

Is is true? is it necessary? Is it kind? An objective fact doesn't make it ok.

What did you say? Why did they need copies of the pictures?

I like pp's comment' unless you're a six month old baby and it's your mother, you can go NC.

You don’t need to have pcos or infertility to be empathic toward those who do. She’s just plain horrid. And not good for your self esteem. Cool the relationship. Talk about the weather. Reduce frequency of contact. She’s not your friend! You’re doing brilliantly so shake her off and don’t let her have an opportunity to hurt you again.

You've done so well to lose three stone!

Don't ever feel like you can't say to your relative "That's a horrible way to speak to me."

What a nasty bitch! She is obviously jealous. Don't give her anything especially the heirloom even if you sell it and enjoy yourself with the money, send her a photo of you on a beach in a bikini and say look what I did with my inheritance.

"Don't be ridiculous" is a good response. How disappointing that someone can't be positive.

Wow.

You've lost three stone at a time when the rest of us have all put on a stone (or more!) Be proud of yourself!