Relative really hurt me with ‘joke’

[endofaugust]

I was 23 stone start of this year . I’ve worked very, very hard and lost three stone so far . I can feel a difference, I can see a bigger one . I took a before and after photo, and showed it to a relative .

That relative on phone today, said, ‘can you send me that photo of you and your ‘big sister’ - you know; when the big fat sister?’

I was called fat every day in school, I think it of myself all the time and I didn’t need her to say that . She has said it many, many times before .

In same conversation she was asking after family heirloom, I said I was given it years ago and still had it . Said I really should hand it down to cousin as ‘the way you are you’re not ever likely to get married or give birth are you?’

I’ve got PCOS and have been told I might have difficulty conceiving; she knows that - her comment has really hit a sore point .

I didn’t know what to say and just tried to laugh it off and change the subject but I’m feeling totally deflated . I worked so hard to lose that weight, I felt good, but it’s not enough in her eyes .

I’m not sure where to go with it next - just pretend she never said it? NC isn’t an option.

Well done on your weight loss OP. It is an incredible achievement and something that is hard to battle on with. Don’t let this set you back.

I agree with a previous poster, why do we always worry so much about making other people feel awkward when they have the front to say such rude and nasty things! I’d be making no effort to speak to her at all and if she did make contact I’d pull her up on her comments by asking her if she realised quite how rude/insensitive she is.

There is nothing funny about the things she said to you. She was cruel. What about encouraging you to continue with your weight loss and telling you how good you look?

Well done for losing the 3 stone. What an achievement ignore the bitchy comments and power on through to reach your goals. You've got this

Well done on losing 3 stone! It’s a big achievement and you should absolutely feel wonderful. Some people just want to keep us in ‘our place’ where they can belittle us and not feel bad about themselves. You hang in there and stay true to yourself!

That is nasty.

Well done on losing that weight. You be proud of yourself.

Don't give this bitch your photos, or the heirloom (whatever it is). Nothing that she said could be construed as a joke. Just not at all funny.

She isn't your mother so I don't understand why no contact isn't an option. Another family member has already cut her off. That must say something about her. Surely you would be much happier if you weren't having to worry about what "joke" she would come out with next?

3 stone! What a marvellous achievement! I am very impressed OP (and not a little envious!!)

the way you are you’re not ever likely to get married or give birth are you?’. This comment actually left me slightly breathless - the sheer vindictive bitchiness of it is truly awful. Given that your cousin has also cut her off and now is persona non grata with much of the wider family, you obviously need to weigh up whether it’s worth going NC carefully. However, you also cutting this utter ......well, I an only think of ‘bitch’ but that seems a bit feeble under the circs.....off would underline your cousin’s choice. A sort of ‘strength in numbers’ sort of think if you like. After all, one relative going NC could be put down to a clash of personalities but making it two puts it in rather a different light.

I am SO sorry she has made you feel like this.

Amazing job on the weight loss, don’t let her spoil it for you op.

Try to go low contact with her and only talk about non personal stuff. Don’t tell her about emotional things like IVF.

I had a close friend who was like this and would say hurtful things. In the end I cut her off and I know that she was upset about it. She was not completely oblivious of the hurt she caused, she just thought it was ok. Some people just don’t realise how unpleasant they are being, and they can’t seem to see when they’ve pushed someone past their limit.

I'm in awe of you losing 3 stone. I need to lose weight & am making very little headway with it, so I admire your achievement.

Wow, your relative is a bitch, isn't she? I wouldn't worry about being the last person still talking to her - there's a reason why nobody else will & there's nothing you can do to fix it. Go NC, save yourself the heartache.

And don't let the heirloom anywhere near her bit of the family. It's yours.

Have some .

Congratulations on the weight loss! Well done!

If you don't say anything to her the jabs and rudeness will just continue. You don't say how old you are but I am sure I am many years older that you and having suffered with a sister who has been incredibly hurtful to me throughout my life (all while pretending to be my closest and dearest) my life has become infinitely better when I started drawing boundaries with her and started telling her how I feel. She makes cracks about how I used to be so much nicer and I say "its just because you don't like someone calling you out when you behave badly. I speak to her much less frequently and my life is much better for it.

You don't need to go NC.
You do need to stop sharing your personal stuff (photos etc) with her (Gran?). Get in touch with your cousin. She obviously understands the way this person uses words as weapons.
As someone who has been overweight since a child I do understand.
Oh, and the heirloom - that is YOURS to do with as you see fit. Keep it, don't be blackmailed into handing it over. If it is mentioned again you could lie and say it broke so you chucked it .
Well done on the weight loss.

Well done on taking a positive step to improve your health by losing weight. Your relative sounds very unkind and tactless. If she’d said something like that to me I would have calmly told her she was being rude and unkind. I’m disabled and you wouldn’t believe some of the crap I get said to me. Apparently if I don’t laugh at vile remarks it’s because I have no sense of humour.

Well done on your brilliant weight loss op you sound a lovely person ingnore your bitch of a relative..some people are ugly on the inside! Your weight will go but nasty people never change!

You could always quote Jo Brand - " I can always check out of fat club, but you'll never be able to check out of twat club"
Congratulations on your weight loss!
Go NC as much as you can; if they ask why, tell them.

You cant always go NC with a cousin

WHAT ON EARTH !! She is a bully, a nasty cruel bully. Let her know how you feel and don't speak to her either ever gain, or for a very long time.

@endofaugust thanks for clarifying!

Listen, this person knows what she’s doing. Talking to her about it will only feed her sick need to cause you distress by confirming that it bothered you.

It’s a shame you can’t cut her off. But you can at least cut contact massively, can’t you? You don’t have to put up with that shit. You really, really don’t.

Losing three stone is GREAT. I have a feeling the more you lose the worse the comments will be...

You can (& have successfully - congrats!) loose weight -she however will remain a bitch & I doubt that she will change.

Just say:

"Don't be so nasty"

What a spiteful, malicious woman.

Please confront her the next time she says anything hurtful and tell her she has to stop being so hateful towards you.

The infertility comments are absolutely and utterly unforgivable.

Massive congratulations on the weightloss, and good luck for the future.

She is really nasty and spiteful.
I'd go LC.
ie. don't phone or text her. If she phones you, have a conversation with her but if she starts with any nasty comments just say goodbye and hang up on her. That's what I would do - no way would I allow someone to talk to me like that. If she texts and there's anything unpleasant do not respond to it.
Basically ignore any of the malicious, spiteful behaviour completely and only respond to appropriate conversations/comments.

But quite frankly, I'd have to go NC with her.

can you send me that photo of you and your ‘big sister’ - you know; when the big fat sister?
This sounds like she called your sister fat, not you? Still not nice but not directed at you.

If you’re sure she meant the photo of you - why would she want it? The only reason I can think of is to show people how well you’ve done.

The other comment was just mean but I assume she was being horrible to push you to give her own daughter the heirloom.

3 stone in 8 months! Wow, you are amazing 💐💐.
Be proud, very proud.

OP, like you, I am very large and always have been, so I was called fat pretty much every day up to my mid twenties. Nowadays, it's water off a duck's back, call me a fat bitch and I'll just agree that you don't need to go to Specsavers.

However, the comment about you not being likely to ever marry or have children would have gone straight to my heart like a sharpened knitting needle to the chest. Even I, a bolshy 50+ year old, would crumple at that (I never did either - and it fucking hurts at times..... ).

I would go LC/NC and it's nobody's business why. If anyone really presses you on that, you can say you had a disagreement and you would rather not say what (sorry, haven't RTFT, if someone's already suggested that).

If she should EVER come to your house, put whatever it is she's after well away or she'll nick it.

Good luck on losing more weight.

She's a nasty cunt and you should never speak to her again. Bloody well done on your weight loss

For what it is worth, well done on your weight loss. It's a great achievement especially during lockdown!