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Original poster

Dealing with envy

87 replies

inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 09:47

I've NC for this because it's pathetic and frankly I'm ashamed of myself.

I suffer dreadfully with being envious of things that others have that I don't. It's always really superficial stuff. EG when I was younger I used to be so envious of women who had a particular body shape - I'm short with enormous norks and just used to feel so sad that I couldn't wear certain clothes.

Now I'm older it's other things. At the moment DH, DD and I live in a 500sq ft 2 bed London flat with no garden. We've been trying to sell it since March but flats without gardens in our area just aren't shifting no matter what. We're so desperate to move to get more space and I feel like we're failing DD - we can't even eat together at the table as a family as there isn't room.

All my friends and close family members live in big houses with gardens and I feel so jealous of them. One moved just after lockdown from flat a similar size to us to a 4 bedroom house with huge garden.

Can I just say I know how awful I am for feeling like this. I know that we are lucky to have a roof over our heads and stable jobs, especially at the moment. I know that we are lucky to have our health.

I just can't seem to stop coveting other people's lives no matter how much I give my head a wobble. Has anyone else felt like this? How did you overcome it?

OP posts:
FTstepmum · 19/08/2020 10:03

It's good that you accept your envy is destructive and you want to overcome it.

I started practising an "attitude of gratitude" a few years ago, when I was jealous of friends who had lovely husbands, children and settled family lives.

It works for me. I thank God (if you don't have a faith like that, thank whatever you want) that I am healthy, I have friends, I have enough to eat, I've got a home, I live in the UK with rights and access to healthcare etc. etc.

Some might consider it to be twee, but it has real power for me. Especially when I consider the millions of people who have barely anything of the world's wealth and resources.

Wishing you the best xxx

Mintjulia · 19/08/2020 10:05

Yabu to covert other people’s lives. People with massive perfect houses and multiple new cars in the drive normally have massive amounts of debt too. Be careful what you wish for.

However Yanbu to want dine as a family, and have a little bit of outdoor space.

Original poster
inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 10:08

I have tried writing down things I am grateful for every day but it doesn't really help, especially when I see other people's big family meals and children playing in the garden.

OP posts:
Original poster
inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 10:08

People with massive perfect houses and multiple new cars in the drive normally have massive amounts of debt too

The people I know with those things don't, they've just been lucky with money.

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 19/08/2020 10:11

I wonder where this envy and tendency to compare comes from? We’re your parents like this or did they make you feel lesser compared to others in some way?

Nicelunch25 · 19/08/2020 10:17

I try and be in the moment and notice small things, also make a gratitude list every night and at first it was difficult to find 3 things I'm grateful for but there is always always something to be grateful for and it's normally people. I am renting and would love to own my own home but minute to minute I'd doesn't actually make any difference that I'm renting- I try to be grateful for not having the worry of a mortgage as a tenant I have good rights. I am a single mother and it's lonely sometimes and overwhelming but having had an abusive relationship previously it's easy to be glad of all the stuff I no longer have to tolerate. I didn't set out to be a single mother but since I've accepted it it's much easier. Yesterday my 13 year old son told me he loves me and unpacked the shopping and I just took a minute to be grateful that he seems to be turning out well.

Redhair23 · 19/08/2020 10:19

Mintjulia

Yabu to covert other people’s lives. People with massive perfect houses and multiple new cars in the drive normally have massive amounts of debt too. Be careful what you wish for

I don’t think that is true.

Op I would agree with practising the daily gratitude thought, also acknowledging that it’s normal to feel frustrated at trying to change your situation and seeing others in a place you want to be.

It’s healthy that you see it’s going to be damaging long term and want to do something about it.

lolorolo · 19/08/2020 10:25

I don't think it's abnormal to have occasional pangs of envy but it shouldn't consume you. Is everyone really doing tons better then you? I have friends with bigger houses but they live in outer zones & colleagues & neighbours in bigger houses near me but they are older & benefited from the boom (not much I can do about that). There is no one body shape that suits everything. It sounds like you need to be more accepting of yourself.

lolorolo · 19/08/2020 10:26

Also it's probably because you are struggling to sell

Original poster
inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 10:36

We’re your parents like this or did they make you feel lesser compared to others in some way?

No. We had literally nothing growing up. My mum raised five of us on her own while working two jobs.

OP posts:
Original poster
inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 10:37

The struggling to sell is actually consuming my life, I feel bereft by it.

OP posts:
Perfectstorm12 · 19/08/2020 10:47

It's just human nature. We compare, we get envious. Just notice it when it comes up and then try the gratitude idea as well, so you refocusing on what you have while accepting that you compare what you don't have. If it is becoming all consuming you may want to take it to a therapist. Give yourself a break though, you are very honest about it here!

lolorolo · 19/08/2020 10:54

@inpontypandyallday have you had any feedback?

lolorolo · 19/08/2020 10:56

Could you rent it & rent somewhere bigger?

Original poster
inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 11:04

We had loads of viewings when it went on in March but no offers. In restrospect it was a bit overpriced, so we lowered it, but have had hardly any further viewings since. Feedback is generally that the second bedroom is too small and it is on a busy road, neither of which I can do anything about really. It's as low as it can go now, we can't afford to sell it for less.

WIthout wanting to sound defensive, I really don't think the problem is the flat - if you look at rightmove flats without gardens simply aren't selling full stop no matter what they look like or how much they are.

It's freshly painted (not in any weird colours!), all our stuff is in storage so it's totally decluttered, and we even completely changed poor DD's room to look like a home office instead of a child's bedroom. Zilch. The market for flats is just dead here, totally dead.

DH is totally against renting it out as feels it would make no financial sense, so that's a sticking point between us.

OP posts:
Original poster
inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 11:09

Also I expect a lot of FTBs who would have bought flats are now WFH and are thinking hang on, why spend 350k on a flat in London when I could move further out and get a 2/3 bedroom house for the same money if I don't have to commute?

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 19/08/2020 11:13

Is it envy- "I wish I also had that", or jealousy "I wish I had that but as I don't, I wish they didn't"?

I'm OK with being envious when I am also able to be pleased for the person who has what it is I am envying; when I tip into wanting them to not have it because it's so unfair that I don't have it, that's a problem. I don't own a house and have little prospect of doing so. Close family bought a house on a s/o scheme that we missed out on; because I love them I am able to be pleased for them alongside being fed up for myself. I do envy them. I really, really wish we had had the same opportunity they did. I want what they have. But I am not thinking "how dare they have it, I wish they didn't". That would be horrible.

Original poster
inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 11:14

Is it envy- "I wish I also had that", or jealousy "I wish I had that but as I don't, I wish they didn't"?

Honestly it's probably a bit of both.

I really, really try to feel happy for people. I just don't know how to truly feel it.

I know that makes me an awful person.

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 19/08/2020 11:21

I’m going to gently challenge what you said here:

The people I know with those things don't, they've just been lucky with money.

Lucky as in their lottery ticket came up, or is it that they worked for a career that’s more highly paid, or they chose to buy/sell property at an easier time in the market? Some of that is chance, not luck.

You said that you grew up with nothing - so you’re used to seeing others have a lifestyle that seems “more” than yours. What’s changed to make this more acute right now? Is it selling the flat? It’s very apparent now, as we’ve been staying at home more, where we feel that our homes may or may not be meeting our needs and wants. Look at the demand for houses with more space to work from home, or have outdoor space.

I think you need to focus on the practical things you can do to sell rather than building it up to be the answer to all your dreams.

lolorolo · 19/08/2020 11:24

Well I agree that an increase in home working will lead to people having the option to live further out however there will be people who need to live centrally. But is that situation likely to change?

Original poster
inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 11:25

Lucky as in their lottery ticket came up, or is it that they worked for a career that’s more highly paid, or they chose to buy/sell property at an easier time in the market? Some of that is chance, not luck

In my case the specific people I'm thinking of had large inheritances from relatives, which I will never, ever have.

You said that you grew up with nothing - so you’re used to seeing others have a lifestyle that seems “more” than yours. What’s changed to make this more acute right now? Is it selling the flat?

I think it's because I thought we were doing well. DH and I between us earn a joint salary that is more than I ever could have dreamed of. If someone told the eight year old me that's what we'd be earning I'd have thought we were rich beyond imagination. We saved up our deposit and managed to buy our flat when we were in our late twenties, so I felt that we were doing well.

Now I feel like we are doing badly again.

I think you need to focus on the practical things you can do to sell rather than building it up to be the answer to all your dreams.

I honestly think I've done all those practical things and that's why I feel so hopeless as nothing has worked.

OP posts:
Original poster
inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 11:27

Well I agree that an increase in home working will lead to people having the option to live further out however there will be people who need to live centrally. But is that situation likely to change?

I mean, I think that people will always want to live in London - the city won't suddenly be completely deserted. But what do I know.

We live in a fab location - 10 minutes by train to London Bridge and 20 minutes to Charing cross. But who cares about that now?

OP posts:
lolorolo · 19/08/2020 11:27

There will always be people who are "lucky" in terms of inheritances etc but I don't see the point in dwelling on it. I know someone who inherited a 2.5m home but it is what it is.

lolorolo · 19/08/2020 11:28

When did you buy the flat?

lolorolo · 19/08/2020 11:29

The difficulty with London now is that a 6 figure salary is not enough (if you want a good lifestyle) you either need to have got on the ladder a long time ago or have parents able & willing to help.