Dealing with envy

[inpontypandyallday]

I've NC for this because it's pathetic and frankly I'm ashamed of myself.

I suffer dreadfully with being envious of things that others have that I don't. It's always really superficial stuff. EG when I was younger I used to be so envious of women who had a particular body shape - I'm short with enormous norks and just used to feel so sad that I couldn't wear certain clothes.

Now I'm older it's other things. At the moment DH, DD and I live in a 500sq ft 2 bed London flat with no garden. We've been trying to sell it since March but flats without gardens in our area just aren't shifting no matter what. We're so desperate to move to get more space and I feel like we're failing DD - we can't even eat together at the table as a family as there isn't room.

All my friends and close family members live in big houses with gardens and I feel so jealous of them. One moved just after lockdown from flat a similar size to us to a 4 bedroom house with huge garden.

Can I just say I know how awful I am for feeling like this. I know that we are lucky to have a roof over our heads and stable jobs, especially at the moment. I know that we are lucky to have our health.

I just can't seem to stop coveting other people's lives no matter how much I give my head a wobble. Has anyone else felt like this? How did you overcome it?

How much do you have to sell the flat for to buy bigger further out?

It's off the market at the moment as we chose to have a break in August. We will put it back on in September with a different agent. If it doesn't sell by the end of Sept we will cut our losses and drop it again.

The thing is we just aren't getting the viewers. You'd think that if someone was prepared to buy a flat at 330k but not 350k that they'd view the flat anyway and make a low offer.

No one I know with flats in the area is even getting viewers, let alone offers. So I can't see that the issue is price, as if it was they'd be getting viewers but not offers.

How much do you have to sell the flat for to buy bigger further out?

I don't think we could afford to sell it for less than 325.

I’m viewing houses at the moment hoping to buy something and I’m only viewing in my price bracket - maybe that’s your issue?

I’m viewing houses at the moment hoping to buy something and I’m only viewing in my price bracket - maybe that’s your issue?

Maybe but we thought that when we dropped from 375 to 350 and it made zero difference.

If anything we had more viewers when it was priced higher.

It does sound odd that the market is so dead as there are flats near me being sold for 500k without outdoor space which seems crazy but I live in a very desired area. Are there flats with outdoor space/small houses not too far from you that are competing?

Yes, flats with outdoor space are flying off the shelves but they are also a good 50k more expensive.

Nothing in our price bracket has a garden unless it's in a shitty area.

Yes we’ll that was at an earlier point in this pandemic. Unfortunately, more people are realising they’ll be working from home now for the foreseeable. Also more people are losing their jobs. It’s a tough climate to sell a flat and anyone who would want to move in to a flat in the city with have copious amounts of choice. It just won’t be worth as much, sorry OP. You’ll sort this though, can you sell it any a slight loss and buy something smaller further out from your ideal area? Then in a few years move again.

I don't think you are being unreasonable and think it's fairly normal to feel a little jealous of others. However, I think if it is taking over your life you need to take some action. Bear in mind people will always have more than you.

Also you don't know what is going on behind closed door. I know three people who all seem to have perfect lives - big houses and lovely holidays and never seem worried about finances. All three have major relationship issues (inc cheating, alcoholism and workaholics) but everyone just sees the nice home and think they're perfect couples. You have no idea what other issues people are facing. so we should appreciate all the good things in our lives.

PS congrats on the DD esp after being told you're infertile. what an amazing thing to be grateful for!

I'm absolutely prepared to sell at a loss - if someone offered me 330 for it now I'd take it - but I just am not convinced it is going to sell even then.

If you look at rightmove and sort by newest listed, hardly any flats without gardens between 325 and 400k have sold since July in my area. In fact nothing has sold at all in the last 3 weeks.

I think what you want - outdoor space and a place to eat as a family - is completely understandable, not a jealousy issue that needs work.
With the stamp duty holiday, now is the time to sell your flat, not afterwards when recession really bites and people will not move unless they have to. Forget about what you would like for it, concentrate on what you could get for it, and where your finances might buy you a house - possibly not your dream location - but there will be somewhere. I think you need to look at it holistically, meaning that you might need to flex your thinking in order to achieve the best lifestyle for your family.

I need to talk DH round. He is much more optimistic than I am and thinks it will basically be fine and we need to hold out and get as much as possible for it.

I don't agree, I want to sell it ASAP and have the money in our pockets even if that means we accept less than we paid for it.

I actually don't even care about buying somewhere else right now, I just want to get the hell out of here and have the money safe in the bank.

If we are all honest with ourselves we’ve all felt envy.
You are understandably feeling envious because you are trying to sell your flat and it’s a frustrating time for everyone.

Don’t beat yourself up would be my advice.

If flats aren’t selling in your area for those prices - they aren’t worth that amount of money any more. I know it’s a hard thing to accept but it may be that they’re significantly wiped of value due to what’s happening and the change of status quo in working life. Their value may never be what it was, you’d have to be prepared to sit tight through the recession and find out. If you want out (and I don’t blame you) think carefully about what you can possibly get for it - honestly how cheap are the flats without gardens that ARE getting viewings? This situation will not improve because you have your head in the sand about what it’s worth. Houses further out may increase in value better, even much cheaper ones if they have outdoor space. You could profit over the long run if you accept the situation for what it is.

I think see what Sept brings try & sell & then see what happens.

We are debating about selling as DH will be doing 4 days a month in the city now but this opens up a wide area to us (currently z3) so we will likely rent for a bit as so much has opened up to us.

Ah OP, I hear you on the envy thing. I was absolutely crippled with envy when a friend of mine had children. It was envy mixed with a whole bunch of other emotions- anger, rage, deep sadness and of course,shame for feeling this way in the first place! It certainly doesn't make you feel great about yourself

I had a lot going on at the time which I dont think i was fully aware of despite being in therapy - i was in deep grief, feeling very lost and inadequate, and full of shame and sadness. No gratitude journal or other strategy could have helped until I had done a lot of crying, grieving, processing my feelings and not trying to push them out and ignore them

Gratitude journals etc are great ideas but not when you're in the acute stages of whatever is going on for you. I think it sounds very reasonable to feel envy in your situation - wanting to move to a new home when that doesn't seem currently possible is very frustrating and upsetting. I wonder if you're being way too hard on yourself and not allowing yourself to feel very natural feelings. Does any of that ring a bell?

I think that your family’s experience that’s in your 11:45 update is at the heart of this. You want justice/fairness for your mum, and yourself and your DH and DD. Do you feel, ultimately, that something you would have had was taken away from you? If your mum hadn’t had such adversity that you might have had a small inheritance, or more help like your friends? Is it the loss of a chance that is the issue?

Your mum sounds like she was very much a practical person, dealing with the need for income and a place to live. Did she also help you emotionally with what happened?

You mentioned counselling earlier too, did you explore this envy as part of that?

This sounds harsh, but we’re not entitled to fairness. Life, society, etc is not set up to be fair. There will be people with more and those with less. You know this on a rational level but it’s hard when you feel you should/would/could have more if only this hadn’t happened or that had happened.

You're not an awful person. These feelings are normal. It bloody sucks when everyone around you has more, has it easier etc. I also come from a pretty poor background but have been educated into a middle-class environment without having the money, and the financial/social backup from family. It is crap to see how other people have so much come tot them and I am always trying to keep my head above water. I get bitter about it, yes. The way I deal with it is to just remove myself from the people who make me compare, and from social media, until the worst of the feeling passes.

All you can do is back away and look only at what you have, then it seems ok. But yeah, it is crap and no YANBU for feeling it- but you have to fight it because its a negative thing. Seems unfair though not only do you have less, you now also have a negative feeling as a result which you have to fight. All this while others are blithely swanning round with their money and good fortunte.... Life is a bitch sometimes!

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I’m at the receiving end OP. Reading your post has made me realise how deep my hurt is.

I come from a background struggling financially.
My mother is the only one in her family to marry a highly educated man (my father) who in turn is the only educated and successful one in his family.

I’m the only one in my family of fair complexion and it’s not in the Uk and so it’s a massive deal.

And I worked very hard and received scholarships and landed myself a career in a prestigious sector. And there I met and married DH.

However my happiness all used to come from the people I love.

And they dropped one by one along my journey and I’m left soo lonely and miserable.

Everytime we make a decision to move forward, love into our own flat when we were flat sharing... or have a fair complexion looking baby or anything that you call natural milestones for families and I genuinely dread.

I’ve lost the people closest to me because their attitude towards me changed.

And it mattered because I needed support because behind all this material success I am still someone who had major issues

I miscarried multiple births
I suffered major mental health issues upon birth due to feeling so rejected
Suffered serious marital issues

And I had no one to Turn to because even my own parents were of the attitude of “shut up ur lucky”.

It made me question everything and everyone and I developed trust issues because I now believe people are waiting for me to fall to feel better about themselves

The amount of drama people tried to drag into my life because they think “oh well she can’t have it all” is staggering

Truth is. I don’t have it all. It’s just my superficial element of livelihood looks good comparatively.. but deeper elements are dreadful in comparison..

However.. I don’t feel the need to tell people about our private issues . And knowing that if one day I fall, I will have no one by my side because everyone will feel a sense of relief that “life is truly fair” is just so aweful.

And I’m not super wealthy. I’m just “not on benefits”. And comfortable for my age. But to my family and DH family, that’s more than I deserve.

I don’t know what advice to give you. But thanks for speaking up about how you feel and trying to tackle it.

We weren't planning on children at the time as I thought I was infertile but I think got pregnant 2 months after we bought it with DD.

You thought you were infertile. And now you have a DD! What a major blessing to be grateful for!

My beautiful two kids after infertility are what makes me happy.

I always compare blessings in my present to how worried I was not to have them when I was in the past. Probably because I had a very difficult past...

I have a flat.. which many people envy. What people don’t know is I grew up not even having a bedroom.. and then when parents split I never had a place to call home. Everyone else did. And rubbed it in my face to make me feel crap.. I had no family to belong to. No home to go to. I had to overcompensate so I can be accepted..

That left me with intense trauma and scarring. But hey, who cares, the moment I got a flat of my own, everyone started to care..

When I landed a great job everyone started to envy and put me down.. yet when I was walking to university because I couldn’t afford public transport because my parents abandoned me. When I used to sleep in the library because I couldn’t buy the books and I needed to study. When I was bullied by my employer... no body cares to ask for details

But they cared when I had something good for myself.. only the type of care that makes them envious

Unaware that my mental health is crumbling

I remind myself that health is the most important thing. All the fancy holidays and big houses in the world are useless if you get sick or someone you love does. You never know what is around the corner for yourself or for anyone else. I focus on what I do have which is my health and my family. I can't and don't ask for more than that.

DD is indeed a blessing and I am grateful for her every day. Just feel awful that I can't even eat family meals with her because there isn't room for a table.