Dealing with envy

[inpontypandyallday]

I've NC for this because it's pathetic and frankly I'm ashamed of myself.

I suffer dreadfully with being envious of things that others have that I don't. It's always really superficial stuff. EG when I was younger I used to be so envious of women who had a particular body shape - I'm short with enormous norks and just used to feel so sad that I couldn't wear certain clothes.

Now I'm older it's other things. At the moment DH, DD and I live in a 500sq ft 2 bed London flat with no garden. We've been trying to sell it since March but flats without gardens in our area just aren't shifting no matter what. We're so desperate to move to get more space and I feel like we're failing DD - we can't even eat together at the table as a family as there isn't room.

All my friends and close family members live in big houses with gardens and I feel so jealous of them. One moved just after lockdown from flat a similar size to us to a 4 bedroom house with huge garden.

Can I just say I know how awful I am for feeling like this. I know that we are lucky to have a roof over our heads and stable jobs, especially at the moment. I know that we are lucky to have our health.

I just can't seem to stop coveting other people's lives no matter how much I give my head a wobble. Has anyone else felt like this? How did you overcome it?

Housing in many parts of the country is a mess & unfortunately you probably scraped together as much as you could to get on the ladder asap thinking that prices were only ever going to increase. You did all the right things if that makes sense.
Even before Covid prices were struggling & had only just started to bounce back. I read last year that record numbers of young people were either leaving London or not coming in the first place as the higher wages still didn't make it affordable. Unfortunately your flat sounds like a FTB purchase & some of them will now have other options. Although to be honest even b4 Covid I would always advise people to future proof as much as possible when they buy as stamp duty makes moving frequently prohibitive & I don't think many who got on the ladder in the last few yrs will see anything like the historic growth.

Envy is normal but it shouldn't consume you. You need to make a decision re your living situation as you're not happy there. You said you have a good income so that's a plus.

Sweetheart it sounds from this like you're in a negative cycle of thought.
Also be aware you don't see what goes on behind doors. Everyone curates their life.
Envy, jealousy is normal, it's what you do with the emotion.
Comparison all the time is unhealthy. Other people don't actually matter and you don't need what they have. You only think you do. The people you love are the only people you need to care about.

Work on you and your family unit being secure enough and supportive enough not to give a toss. Achieve for you, not for appearances sake.

MIL 'so and sos daughter just bought a lovely 1.7m house in London, why don't you do the same?'
'who? Do I know them? That's lovely for them, how nice. We love our cheapy house. It'll be so nice to be mortgage free before the kids go to uni.'
Unfortunately it's gets to my DH but just keep repeating similar in your internal monologue and it will get easier.

I do actually think there are advantages in the fact we have a small place.

Such as:

1. way easier to clean and most importantly to keep clean
2. we can afford to decorate it really nicely with good quality furniture etc as it's so small it doesn't cost as much as it would to furnish an entire house that way
3. it is first floor and extremely well insulated so our heating bill in winter is minimal
4. our mortgage is relatively small (compared to what we'd have if we had somewhere bigger). One of DD's friends has parents who have just bought a massive house nearby and it's beautiful but her poor mother is in a perpetual state of anxiety because they now have a massive mortgage and very little money left over each month. I'm very grateful we aren't in that situation.
5. everything's on one floor - no running up and down the stairs for stuff
6. it's always easy for me to keep an eye on DD because I can hear her wherever I am in the flat.

we also live in a lovely community (especially for London). I remember at the height of lockdown we had to quarantine for 2 weeks and I wanted to make flapjacks but didn't have any golden syrup. I posted on our local facebook group and in less than 10 minutes had about 5 offers from people who had offered to bring over their own golden syrup from their cupboards and leave it on my doorstep. Every time my downstairs neighbour sees DD she gives her a freddo. My other downstairs neighbour takes care of our cat when we go away.

It'll be hard to let your flat go for less than you paid for it, but it might be what you need to do. It really can work out. DH and I managed to get ourselves out of being trapped in a house which was too small for us and in an undesirable area.

Back in the late 80s we bought our first home for £75k, a tiny little terraced house, in a not especially good area as it was all we could afford at the time. A few years later we wanted to start a family and we wanted to move for more space and to a nicer area. Unfortunately by then the recession had hit, our house value had plummeted and we were in a negative equity situation.

What we did so that we could escape was save all my salary for a year, living off DH's earnings only. It was a real struggle, but we managed it. We sold our house for only £60k (ouch) but it meant we were able to move to a much nicer and bigger house, four bedrooms with a decent garden, in a much more desirable area.

Good luck, OP. Hope it all works out for you.

@DramaAlpaca I am having to do the same right now and sell my flat for about 10% less than what i paid for it four years ago. annoyingly houses in the area have gone up in price not down but flats have been pulled down by the sheer volume of new build flats in the area.

My only consolation is that flats which previously were £50k more than mine when I bought are selling for the same price as they're not so new anymore and don't have any gardens (whilst mine has communal gardens and is very close to a lovely, ungated park).

I find it impossible to believe that we'll ever sell it and be able to buy a house, because when I look at nice houses or the people who live in them I don't feel that I deserve them and I don't feel good enough to live there.

I just don't believe that things like that will ever belong to me, it just seems too good for me.

@inpontypandyallday

Please don't believe that. the world can change so fast. 5 years ago I was so jealous of all my friends for being married and buying homes. I was miserable, single and bereaved and in a dead end job and felt i had no hope of ever buying property where i wanted.

Suddenly things changed - I bought a flat, met a wonderful man, got a massive promotion, got engaged, married and now we are fingers crossed moving to a beautiful 4 bed house in the next few months. I cannot believe how different my life is to 5 years ago. Things can change when you least suspect.

Please stay positive and believe good things will come.

Could you part exchange your flat for a new build in your area?

There's loads of great blogs on making the most of small space living.
e.g. Tables that fold down from the wall etc.

Google a few and see if there's ideas that would work if your flat.

*chromis
We've done all that, it is as good as it will get. At the end of the day it is 500sqft and we are three people.

Could you part exchange your flat for a new build in your area?

No

OP - it sounds like you know envy isn’t a good thing and do try to stop it - which is really admirable. Take the long view - house prices go up and down - we’ve known people who were in negative equity but went on to being v successful. People who were made redundant that went on to better jobs. Be patient and make the best decisions you can at the moment and that is the best you can do. I’m sure your kid will understand that it’s not always possible to have everything other people have, but they have a loving family, shelter and food.