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Original poster

Dealing with envy

87 replies

inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 09:47

I've NC for this because it's pathetic and frankly I'm ashamed of myself.

I suffer dreadfully with being envious of things that others have that I don't. It's always really superficial stuff. EG when I was younger I used to be so envious of women who had a particular body shape - I'm short with enormous norks and just used to feel so sad that I couldn't wear certain clothes.

Now I'm older it's other things. At the moment DH, DD and I live in a 500sq ft 2 bed London flat with no garden. We've been trying to sell it since March but flats without gardens in our area just aren't shifting no matter what. We're so desperate to move to get more space and I feel like we're failing DD - we can't even eat together at the table as a family as there isn't room.

All my friends and close family members live in big houses with gardens and I feel so jealous of them. One moved just after lockdown from flat a similar size to us to a 4 bedroom house with huge garden.

Can I just say I know how awful I am for feeling like this. I know that we are lucky to have a roof over our heads and stable jobs, especially at the moment. I know that we are lucky to have our health.

I just can't seem to stop coveting other people's lives no matter how much I give my head a wobble. Has anyone else felt like this? How did you overcome it?

OP posts:
Original poster
inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 11:29

We bought the flat in 2015. We weren't planning on children at the time as I thought I was infertile but I think got pregnant 2 months after we bought it with DD. Hence why it's now too small for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 11:30

The area we live in is pretty affordable for London, we aren't talking about a 500k flat or anything.

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 19/08/2020 11:30

Comparison is the thief of joy.

That’s whether you’re comparing to others who’s lives are different (and you’re comparing apples with pears) or with your own ambitions.

If it’s your own ambition, break it down into a problem to be solved piece by piece. It won’t seem so overwhelming.

lolorolo · 19/08/2020 11:30

Has it gone up in value? My area of London has pretty much stagnated for the last 4 yrs.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 19/08/2020 11:31

I'm the same OP. I'm very jealous of people who have more than me. I have always been that way, and I think I always will. It affects my life quite a bit which is sad.

Petronas · 19/08/2020 11:32

OP we used to live in a flat in London with no garden and I coveted every house - even the smallest - that was 15 years ago and I still remember the longing, it's hard not having a garden when you have small kids and that's under normal circumstances. Hoping your flat sells quickly and you get to move somewhere with your own little bit of greenery.

sqirrelfriends · 19/08/2020 11:32

It's a horrible feeling but on paper you are really fortunate to have what you do.

Someone will want your flat, you will sell it eventually. When they do, can you maybe look to moving a bit further out for something bigger? We moved out of London years ago for something bigger and the value of our old flat makes my eyes water, more than our house is worth now.

lolorolo · 19/08/2020 11:33

You need to either be at peace with your flat & accept it may take a while to sell or make a decision that may cost you a bit in monetary terms but will make you happier in the long run.

Original poster
inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 11:36

When they do, can you maybe look to moving a bit further out for something bigger?

We definitely will, that's why we want to move. Unfortunately everyone else seems to have had the same idea.

Has it gone up in value? My area of London has pretty much stagnated for the last 4 yrs.

No. Originally it had a little but then covid fucked everything. It's now on for what we bought it for (350). I am trying to persuade DH to drop the price a little further but he struggles with the idea of losing money, even though we've been paying into it for five years now. There is 260k left on the mortgage I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 11:36

It's a horrible feeling but on paper you are really fortunate to have what you do.

Oh I know, that's why I feel like such an awful person. I have a loving family as well. Just hate myself for it really.

OP posts:
Rayn · 19/08/2020 11:37

Someone once said to me that you need to focus on what you have rather that what you haven't. I don't give a shit what other people have and am pleased for them. I would love to own my own house and have more money, a job I love but I try to see the positive on what I have.
I have a lovely home in a nice area, we have enough money for treats and cheap holidays. My job may be boring but no stress.
With regards to your flat, no gardening, less to clean, smaller mortgage etc

It is just your situation for now- it will change in the future so try to focus on the good aspects of not moving for now.

I grew up with nothing and was always envious of friends. My sister is loaded but her job comes with stress and she has other issues I don't have. Her husband has MS. From the outset you would think they have a perfect life but it's far from true.

Whatsthekey · 19/08/2020 11:37

Read The power in you by Henry Fraser and i promise it will change your perspective OP. I say this as someone who has felt similarly to you in the past.

lolorolo · 19/08/2020 11:37

Thing is you may sell for less than you paid for it but what you buy might be cheaper. I know someone who bought a house in Z5/6 during lockdown for 405k & it was on for 450k.

Original poster
inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 11:41

Thing is you may sell for less than you paid for it but what you buy might be cheaper. I know someone who bought a house in Z5/6 during lockdown for 405k & it was on for 450k.

Not the case sadly as the area we want to move to is very in demand and houses are being snapped up as soon as they go on the market.

I do really, really try to focus on the positives. I'm sure it must come from having low self esteem as jealousy issues often do but I don't know what I can do about it. I've had so much counselling.

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 19/08/2020 11:41

@inpontypandyallday

Is it envy- "I wish I also had that", or jealousy "I wish I had that but as I don't, I wish they didn't"?

Honestly it's probably a bit of both.

I really, really try to feel happy for people. I just don't know how to truly feel it.

I know that makes me an awful person.

If you were an awful person you wouldn't be having this conversation. You'd not even question yourself. Don't think that of yourself- you are human, you are not awful!

Envy is normal and to some extent healthy, if it isn't taking you over and dominating your thoughts and feelings and making you feel as low as this. It can be a good motivator.

I am utterly, bitterly jealous, in the nasty "wish they didn't have" way of someone I know at the moment. I'm not proud of it but I don't categorise myself as a terrible person on the basis of it!

As for being happy for others, well. You don't have to be 'happy' for people, you can be entirely neutral instead. I am not 'happy' for neighbours who bought houses when they were much cheaper and now have an asset worth a lot of money, but I don't care about it either.

Raella50 · 19/08/2020 11:42

If people don’t want to buy it - it’s isn’t worth the asking price. That’s almost universally the case. Your flat is worth less now, can you price it down and just take the lower amount? Buy somewhere further out as a stepping stone to what your really want?

lolorolo · 19/08/2020 11:42

I would think now is the best time to sell if you are looking at what's to come. Renting doesn't have to be only seen as "wasting money". Some friends have outgrown their flat, they have accepted a good enough offer on it & plan to rent a bigger property in their area & make a decision on where to move to etc in 6-12 months.

lolorolo · 19/08/2020 11:44

Not the case sadly as the area we want to move to is very in demand and houses are being snapped up as soon as they go on the market.

Can you afford to buy in that area if you sell the flat for less then you paid?

Original poster
inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 11:45

Life has always just seemed so unfair in so many ways to me. Like when we were growing up my mum just seemed to have so much bad luck. My Dad fucked off and left her with £50,000 of credit card debt. He never paid maintenance. He had abused her. She had five children to bring up. She had to work two jobs and got grief from our schools as she often couldn't be around in the evenings to supervise homework etc. Yet if she didn't work those two jobs we wouldn't have had a home. She got cancer. She finally managed to buy her home through a right to buy scheme and then the roof caved in and she had to find £40k to have it fixed. She got cancer again. She then got made redundant and the firm went bust so there was no redundancy pay out.

Meanwhile my horrid father swanned off into the sunset, married a rich woman and now lives the life of riley with a big house in London, a holiday home abroad and a holiday home in Devon.

I'm not jealous of what he has but I wish he didn't have it. It seems so fucking unfair.

OP posts:
Original poster
inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 11:46

I would think now is the best time to sell if you are looking at what's to come. Renting doesn't have to be only seen as "wasting money". Some friends have outgrown their flat, they have accepted a good enough offer on it & plan to rent a bigger property in their area & make a decision on where to move to etc in 6-12 months.

I've got no issue renting for a bit but no one wants to buy our flat.

I'm not convinced anyone would want to buy it even for 330 to be honest. There are flats that amount on rightmove and they haven't sold.

OP posts:
Original poster
inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 11:47

If people don’t want to buy it - it’s isn’t worth the asking price. That’s almost universally the case

I'm not sure it is right now, I think right now the case is that people are nervy due to covid and want outdoor space.

OP posts:
lolorolo · 19/08/2020 11:50

But I'm not sure that issue will go away

Original poster
inpontypandyallday · 19/08/2020 11:53

If that issue doesn't go away then essentially we're stuck here forever which makes me want to cry

OP posts:
Raella50 · 19/08/2020 11:53

That issue has unfortunately damaged the price of flats in city centres. It’s a crap situation to be in OP, but actually it could devalue even further in a deep recession - we just don’t know. If you want to move you have the options of cutting your losses or just staying to wait it out (possibly a very long time). Whatever you do, you will recover from this and you will be fine.

lolorolo · 19/08/2020 11:53

Life is unfair, people will always have more than you but plenty will have less. I just try to focus on what I do have.