If you have genuinely delightful children...

[OhTheTrees]

You know the ones. They're bright (as in, sparky), polite, calm, yet can still have fun...

How did you get that??? What do you do as a parent?

I feel like my kids have real potential to be just delightful and "lovely", but, especially over lockdown, they've been a little too...indulged? They are a bit too loud indoors, a bit too cheeky (not really rude or downright naughty, just a bit too "chummy" with us, taking things too far), they fight more than they should these days... they are so giddy around people having been isolated so long, that now they are almost at the stage of being annoying little show-offs when we do meet up with people...

And i KNOW it is my job to turn this around (and DH, but I'm a sahm so with them a lot more), but it feels like a big task to halt this train before they become actually badly behaved. They are sweet kids, who were gentle and kind babies and toddlers, but i feel like I'm watching them become the kind of kids I don't want them to be, and it's my responsibility!

I was so on it before lockdown, but keeping up 24/7 discipline/ routine has been HARD when we're all shut in together for so long with no break, and i had a baby in lockdown which threw things for a loop as well.

How do i salvage my kids so that they are delightful company for both us at home and the outside world when we re-emerge into society properly?! I'm overwhelmed.

Ages are 5, 2 and coming up to 6 months (though the baby isn't giving us much cause for concern so far )

Immovable boundaries (that move as they get older )

I don’t know if my dcs are as perfect as you describe, but people always comments about how well mannered they are, and they’re always interesting and fun without being cheeky. We joke about with them, but don’t tolerate any overstepping into being rude at any adult. As soon as you start giving way on something it all falls apart.

Say what you mean, don’t ever threaten something you don’t want to follow through with, and then have loads of fun with them. I think kids really like strong boundaries, it helps them know where they stand. Yours are very young so definitely not too late to reset.

My in-laws are always commenting about how good our dcs are compared to their other GC (who I’ll admit are really rude, but I still wonder what they say about us to dh’s siblings). Then they’ll say “Oh go on, you’re being too harsh, let them have that/say that/use that tablet.” They just can’t see that the reason the dcs behave is that they know where they stand.

We’re not horrible disciplinarians I promise! We have a lot of fun together and are all really close.

My middle child is the delightful, well mannered, everyone-loves child.

And do you know what I think it is? I think it’s down to her being very lucky with her friendship group. They are a close group who are all like her.

So I can’t take the credit..... other than being a super cool parent

At 5 and 2 I think you need to manage your expectations. It is appropriate for kids to have difficulties with impulses at that age.

My two are 9 and 7 now and I think most people would describe them as well behaved and easy going kids. We got there by a lot of coaching in how to manage their feelings and their interactions.

We are absolutely not an authoritarian family. We don't really do punishment and we only have one family rule which is "always be kind".

Luck mostly.

Personality.

Consistent boundaries help. Parents who are interested and engaged. Giving lots of opportunities and experiences - practice talking to lots of different people, being in different situations makes it easier to draw on those in future experiences.

But mostly just luck.

Having just written the last post, I want to add something.

My dc are well behaved and easy to be with, but as well as what I said above, I also wonder about whether we were just lucky with their personalities.

It's like when babies don't sleep through the night, parents who have babies who do think it is because they have been good parents, but i tend to think it is mainly down to luck.

Rinder That sounds like what we're aiming for. Your kids sound lovely and you don't sound draconian!

It's the having fun with them bit that I find really hard. I think that, as I've been their only company for almost 6 months, I've tried to play a lot with them, engage them, prevent boredom etc, so they see me as a friend or peer or playmate. And they now find it really hard to entertain themselves, and that's when the behaviours all decline into cheekiness, whinging and fighting. If I'm not literally bouncing round like a cbeebies presenter they turn into horrors.

I don't have the energy to keep them entertained, and i feel like it's not helping them in the long run as they need a parent not a pal or an in-house entertainment system.

Where do you set boundaries? What sorts of things do you have as "this is a yes but that is a no"? Just so I have some idea where I can start!

I was painfully cheerful all the time. Always modelling being kind etc. They used to be lovely.
Now I just tell them they are being dicks and to fuck off and wonder why they are disrespectful 😞

Luck! I have one teenage horror and one with the loveliest sunniest disposition - I wish I could tell you it was anything other than luck of the draw!

I'm really slow at typing, so thanks for the other replies whilst i responded to the first!

Oh i totally don't expect perfection. They are still young - that's why i need to catch this now though ;) i don't want to miss the window to turn it around. Of course I'll be mindful to take their age and impulses etc into consideration, i just need to find a way to get across to them that they can't fling toys at each other when they're annoyed..! Without becoming screechy mum, which is definitely something i want to avoid.

And i agree with the personality thing, and luck. I just feel like we got lucky, as they have always been pretty placid and compliant, but it's like I've ruined them in lockdown...

Definitely firm boundaries & always following through with whatever punishment I've threatened them with (although I rarely get to a point of needing to punish them).

There's nothing worse than children who've never heard the word no or who know that whatever they do nothing will happen as a consequence.

I've also always made sure they know how lucky they are to have nice things etc and to always have good manners.

They're older now (13 & 8) and we have a great relationship full of humour and sarcasm etc. They're not spoilt, they work hard at school and they're both very loving.

Baby 3 is on his way in 4 weeks. This one might be the naughty one! 😳😂

Luck. Honestly nobody wants to believe it but luck plays a HUGE role. I have one who is a genuine angel - incredibly sweet, kind and cheerful. Liked by everyone she meets and makes friends instantly with kids and adults. Always looking out for other kids and generally spreading lightness and joy. Says things like “if it wasn’t hard it wouldn’t be fun, mummy” when disaster or disappointment strikes!

I have two others. They were raised the same. They are not like that.

(I should say I adore them all and they all have wonderful features. It’s just one is exactly the ostentatiously perfectly behaved but lively kid you describe!).

Watching for advice as I could have written your post!

I sympathize with you about relationships and behaviour being worse during lockdown. I think the loss of routine and outside relationships is at the root of my 6yos outbursts and rudeness.

With friends who have polite kids, I've noticed they trained them up in some basic manners around please and thank you, table manners, basic conversational stuff. Must get round to working on that!

My dd (15) is one of those delightful children, always has been. Polite, helpful, fun, sensible, confident. Remarkably sensitive, kind and perceptive. Great with adults and small children alike. Doing super well in school and in hobbies. She's great company and everyone loves her!

So what have we done to create this delightful child? Not a lot, to be absolutely honest. I am no more than an average parent at best. Depressed at times, lazy and chaotic at others. Often stuck on MN for too long. Not particularly hot on discipline, boundaries etc. Definitely err on the side of being too indulgent at times, though snappy and impatient at others. Her dad can be moody and preoccupied, and isn't a great listener. I am constantly amazed at how she has turned out, and I genuinely feel that we just hit lucky in the parental lottery, that she was just born with most of the positive traits that she has.

The positives that we have been able to offer are lots of love and affection, support for her hobbies and interests and lots of conversation over the years. Also a warm and loving extended family, and I think I'm fairly empathetic (DH isn't!). Nothing out of the ordinary though.

I don't think there is a rule book that you can follow to end up with great kids. There are so many variables - innate personality, birth order/family structure, home and school environments, friends etc. Obviously it's important that we all do our very best as parents, but it's also the case that there is a lot of luck involved!

Firm boundaries when they're little definitely works even if it is hard work to constantly follow through. It means they know that you mean what you say and they know where the line is. Then you can relax when they get a bit older and more reasonable and it is much easier to have fun with them knowing they won't try to push things too far.
I also followed through on the nice things though. If I had said we could go to the park after we had been to the supermarket then I would make sure we went even if they had forgotten half way round.

I also had family telling me I was too strict when they were younger - once they could say please they had to say it every time they wanted something so it became automatic, I always made them wait to speak to me if I was mid conversation - not for long but long enough to be polite. Those same family members now constantly comment on what pleasant company my DC are.

It makes life so much easier if you can trust that they will behave in a restaurant or whilst visiting Great Aunt Ethel.

I agree with others that personality probably plays quite a big part. Some kids are just more easy going than others. But I also think it's important to have really, really clear boundaries so the kids know what is, and isn't, ok behaviour. I think it's important to refuse to give in to any whinging and teach them how to express options / ask for stuff in an appropriate way. Ify DC's whinged, I'd tell them to stop, tell them to ask in ,"a big girl voice", model how to ask and get them to practice. (Can you tell I can't bear whinging.) I also think you need to show them a lot of empathy and be interested in them. And have fun.

Luck. Eldest is a doddle. Other people comment on how nice he is. And not a pushover either. He's a smart kid.

My younger child is regularly complained about. I have tried and tried with her for a decade and failed. She's being horrible as I type but I'm ignoring her in the hope she settles down in a minute.

Nature: easy going, calm, funny, kind personality

Good friendship group

Consistently kind adults (extended family,
nursery staff, primary teachers)

Firm boundaries

Any sense of entitlement squashed flat.

ROUTINE, stable lifestyle, lots of sleep!

Lots of down time.

Your ideal described my child. He is delightful BUT quickly becomes a pain in the backside when he is sleep deprived. It all goes downhill if I get lax.

I'm just one opinion amongst many but it seems to me that no-one realises the value of a constant bedtime and sufficient sleep.

It makes a massive difference and he is gorgeous, sunny and attentive when well rested.

Take a look at a sleep calculator!

Parenting is hard work and consistency is the key. You can't ignore things one minute and then dive in and expect them to stop the next. You need to be prepared to be on it constantly.

I've always been complimented on my children's behaviour and that of the children I have been childminding or caring for in nursery. I have never been draconian and I have very rarely used sanctions or raised my voice. I have, however, always been prepared to explain things like, if you can't manage to stop screaming, you will need to sit down for a while to help you to calm down a bit while the others run around.

Just being very clear about when no means no is massive. There's no need to be grumpy about it. You can be clear that you understand the child's frustration without moving the goalposts.

My 17YO told me earlier this evening that she likes and respects me because I have always been solid and treated her with respect. I'm not certain what solid means but I've decided to take it as a compliment.

Ages are 5, 2 and coming up to 6 months (though the baby isn't giving us much cause for concern so far grin )

Mine have been through so many stages since this age. When the youngest was 3 I went to work full time, and he turned into a complete little shit for 6 months.

My oldest was a horror from 8 to 14.

Youngest was quite hormonal at 14.

They're now 15-19 and are great fun, well-mannered, very entertaining, and I adore them. I've had all 3 home with me, plus the boyfriend of the oldest, since early March, and it's been great.

I did do firm boundaries when they were younger, but I've relaxed as they've got older.

We spent a lot of time together having fun. Days out, fun holidays, a lot of doing things they wanted to do, with a bit of them being dragged along to do things we had to do.

The oldest went to boarding school which was life-changing (in a good way) for her.

The other two go to our local schools - we chose the area fairly carefully, so that they didn't end up in a sink comprehensive like I did. That has definitely affected the kinds of friendship groups they have.

Um I think you need to chill! Times are hard/different at the moment!

What rindertinder and stompy the dinosaur said... I haven't rtft so perhaps others too, but I got that far and thought I don't need to add my two penny's worth I'll only be repeating this. 😆

My DD is like an (almost) perfect child when she is at school or with other people. She is polite, sparky, fun, kind and just delightful. I’m not bragging - I know she is like this at school as I work at the same school and it goes from reception to A level. Whilst I teach senior she is in Yr 2 but I am regularly getting feedback on her - just passing comments but weekly. My friends who also have children tell me how ‘good’ she is.

However, at home with me and her dad she can be EVIL. There is back chat, rudeness and poor manners. Home is obviously her safe space where she feels she can relax and kick back. However she often drives us mad.

I am the main disciplinarian and I am tough on her. There are very clear boundaries and I don’t let much slip past. She pushes boundaries with us all of the time but when with others she is a delight.

Not sure why DD is like this. Having read PPs comments it is interesting that other parents have been told they are too tough on their children. I have been told this too but I will always reprimand her if she needs to be told off regardless of where we are.