If you have genuinely delightful children...

[OhTheTrees]

You know the ones. They're bright (as in, sparky), polite, calm, yet can still have fun...

How did you get that??? What do you do as a parent?

I feel like my kids have real potential to be just delightful and "lovely", but, especially over lockdown, they've been a little too...indulged? They are a bit too loud indoors, a bit too cheeky (not really rude or downright naughty, just a bit too "chummy" with us, taking things too far), they fight more than they should these days... they are so giddy around people having been isolated so long, that now they are almost at the stage of being annoying little show-offs when we do meet up with people...

And i KNOW it is my job to turn this around (and DH, but I'm a sahm so with them a lot more), but it feels like a big task to halt this train before they become actually badly behaved. They are sweet kids, who were gentle and kind babies and toddlers, but i feel like I'm watching them become the kind of kids I don't want them to be, and it's my responsibility!

I was so on it before lockdown, but keeping up 24/7 discipline/ routine has been HARD when we're all shut in together for so long with no break, and i had a baby in lockdown which threw things for a loop as well.

How do i salvage my kids so that they are delightful company for both us at home and the outside world when we re-emerge into society properly?! I'm overwhelmed.

Ages are 5, 2 and coming up to 6 months (though the baby isn't giving us much cause for concern so far )

I have one truly delightful child and one horror. 100% down to their personalities imho.

Also 5 and 2 year olds are at a demanding, giddy and show-offy stage so do manage your expectations!

My DS (7.5) is ace. Always has been, was an easy baby (except sleep!), hit his milestones early, was easy to wean/potty train etc. He's funny and clever. Adults and other kids are drawn to him, he's very endearing.

I genuinely think that our support network has a lot to do with it. His dad and I are separated. Both of us have partners whose families have accepted our son as their family too. So he has 4 sets of grandparents, numerous aunties and uncles and is just all round loved

He struggles a bit with school (likely dyslexic) but I know he's the type of person who will flourish when he finds his niche, he's such a people person that I have no worries if he can't spell well.

i think you have to be very present and "on it" to get these types of children. People often comment on my charges good behaviour, and I always say Im very lucky, however, I work bloody hard to make looking after them easy! its the serene swan peddling like mad under the water analogy

Nip things in the bud, clear, simple boundaries and instructions. Dont get too emotional or involved in negotiating or justifying your wishes.

Good luck!

Mine were pretty nice. So were their friends but then they all had similar upbringings.
Clear expectations and known boundaries.
Good sleep taught.
Good food habits.
Good manners expected with consideration of others, thank you cards, standing for older adults on buses, apologising, if necessary.
Praise for achievement and expectation of strong work ethic, interesting activities and structure coupled with fun and affection.
Not having everything they wanted. Keeping consumerism and screen time in its place.

Spend time with them - freely and willingly. Engage with them as people in their own right. Take their aspirations seriously and don't live vicariously through them. Most importantly love them unconditionally but let them know when they have stepped over your boundaries.

This is the most encouraging thing I've read in a long time. Thank you all so much!

I do feel like we got lucky, i do feel like their personalities could be an advantage here, and i think we have age on our side as they're still young. And yes, lockdown has been a particularly strange occurrence, so I'll cut them slack for that too ;)

But just reading about how consistency has paid off, boundaries, having fun etc... it has encouraged me that i might be able to claw it back..!

I think because they were both so lovely and easy as babies and toddlers, i feel like I've ruined them now that they're being more difficult (and i can see the connection to me having changed my parenting over lockdown). But it's good to be reassured that all is not lost.

Oh, and I'm lucky in that they are in good routines - and usually get plenty of sleep, so I'll be sure to keep that up. The 5 year old has been playing up at bedtime in the heat (but who of us has actually been able to sleep in the last week or two?!), so maybe that has exacerbated the bad behaviour the last 5-7 days, so I'll try to get that back to normal now it's cooling down a little more.

Mine are okay, we sometimes get compliments. (Better for other people than they are for us!) I echo the 'always be kind' sentiment...since they were babies I have had a firm rule around kindness. I'm pretty chilled about silliness, even cheekiness, and playing up generally - I figure nice people grow out of that stuff - but I've always been incredibly strict about any behaviour which I think shows even a hint of malice - zero tolerance approach to unkindness (regardless of whether it was a retaliation or whatever). It seems to have worked - my kids are so much nicer than I am and have hearts of gold.

Boundaries!!! Do not threaten things you won’t follow through with.

In the context of a life that looks like a car crash, I can confirm that I have two kids aged 12 and 9 who are AMAZING. I think boundaries and house-rules are important for fostering respect and friendships amongst peers. Finding shared interests amongst kids...games, art, music etc...is really important to bonding. Giving each child space, listening and personal time alone with a parent away from others (we call that walk the dog, talk the talk...). I come down on bad behaviour quickly with consequences for anything particularly nasty (very rare). Other people have always said what bright, polite kids I have, and it makes me shine with pride as other aspects of my life are a disaster.

Everyone always tells me how lovely and well behaved mine are. Generally that's true when we're out and about or around other people but at home they are Satan's spawn and can't walk past each other without having a full blown row!
They're bored of each other now and desperate for other company so I can forgive them a little bit.

I once asked my friend how her children were so lovely and she said the most important thing was to teach them to be kind which had really stuck with me.

We have firm boundaries (no means no unless they can give us an actual valid reason to change our minds in which case we'll discuss it with them and explain why we backtracked).

Say what you mean- if you're leaving somewhere in 5 minutes give them a warning and then do it. No mucking about and pleading with them, just leave. Mine only had one tantrum each about leaving eg soft play, realised it was pointless and never did it again.

Like I say, they're lovely in public but we're obviously not getting it all right because they're hideous at home! 😬

I have 4dc and always get praised on how wonderfully behaved they are 😇 polite, kind, rule abiding, and yes, intelligent also. Truth is? They are very well behaved but that doesn't mean they can't be whiney, demanding, rude and answering back, and generally little horrors when at home. Ds2s teachers last year described him as having "the kindest heart" and the most caring friend who is always buddied up with the new kids because of his kindness, well they didn't believe us when we described the frequent tantrums where he screams how much he hates us and he is going to punch us all and stab us when we tell him his spellings are wrong.
Don't ever believe all that you see as life isn't always insta-perfect. Remember - you never know what goes on behind closed doors 🙃

DS 12 who has asd is genuinely laid back, polite, funny as hell generally apart from the odd meltdown we get he’s been a breeze to raise compared to my devil of a daughter 7, she is truly something else and this lockdown she has tested my nerves to the point of explosion. 😂

Boundaries.

My mum lucked out, out of 3 kids me and my brother are the good ones we are the oldest and the youngest is the most dramatic moody madam I’ve ever met.

Mine aren't perfect but they're both very polite...from a very young age I was a bit ott about manners and about being thoughtful in public spaces.

I'm always slightly shocked when I see people allowing three year olds and up to block doorways, shout in cafes (not tantrums, but for fun) or just generally get in people's way.

Pushing to the front of queues, grabbing, taking things that aren't theirs...I was always very clear about that sort of thing and can't abide it in other people's DC.

I think if you start young and make sure they know to consider other people then they often turn out quite nice.

DS1, who’s an adult now, has always been the one that everyone has commented on from a young age - calm, happy, emotionally resilient, kind, polite, self motivated etc etc. I honestly believe he was born that way - he has the best bits of me and DH and none of our worst bits - and all we’ve had to do is to be ‘good enough’ parents to support him when he’s needed it. It’s easy when you have an easy child. Ds2 is severely disabled and as a result has some very ‘challenging’ behaviours, which I don’t think we always handle well. We do a lot of talking with DS1 and have always included him in decisions and discussions from a very young age - that’s hard to do when a child has severe language issues. But it does make me wonder how good a parent I would have been if we’d had a non-disabled child who’d pushed boundaries - I suspect the parenting style we used with DS1 may not have worked as well!

This thread makes me uncomfortable.

People aren't be to be delightful. Your idea of delightful might be someone else's people pleaser. It's definitely too narrow. You have a type in your head that associates calmness with great manners and you want this like you want an IKEA chair, the way your post reads. What happens when you have a melancholic introvert prone to anxiety? Do you get disappointed and start trying to work out how to tweak him or do you forget about the end result and offer unconditional acceptance for whoever he needs to be (not incompatible with strong boundaries)?

Some personality types are less appealing at first. That's particularly hard when you're a child and people forget that your goal should not be to appear delightful to adults. Perhaps you place very high expectations on yourself and perhaps also on your children.

Everyone says my kids are delightful. It just depends on which way the wind is blowing and what's been happening. It's more easy for the extrovert ones to seem delightful and play to the gallery but I don't particularly value that quality.

I would like to echo Avebury , mine are generally quite good, but it is down to boundaries and consistency. That said, DS (16) and DH can but heads like rutting stags. They are both as stubborn as mules. The youngest is temperamental, and I learnt, quite early on that she definitely Gets hangry. If ever she plays up, my first question is “are you hungry?”

My dd16 is hard work and has been so since the day she bounced into my world. Very high maintenance. Agitated generally but very academic. Has sensory processing issues.
Dd9 slept through from day one; laid back, polite, kind, empathetic, generous and funny. Open to new experiences and tastes.
Ds2 easy baby good sleeper. Great sense of humour. Going through rebellious stage testing boundaries. Currently fussy with food.
All three had/have the same boundaries. I would only describe my middle child as delightful. I think its personality.

falling asleep, not rtft but

ahaparenting.com

It works.

Forgot to say my PIL used to tell us we were too strict, but also used to say our children were so well behaved.....

5 and 2 are very young. And a lot of attention-seeking/whinging lately can be put down to a combination of lockdown and the disruption of a new baby. So I think you've got to be realistic in your expectations, especially for the two-year old, who is probably not being cheeky or too "chummy" on purpose or showing off deliberately!

I think 'pick your battles' is a good motto, but maybe the following might help (with the caveat that I only have the one so far and so don't have the bickering to deal with ):

• People don't like 'high-maintenance' kids who whinge about being bored so I'd definitely try to lower the input they require from you. Tell them you're resting or looking after the baby and to go away and play with their toys and you'll do an activity with them later. Only interfere to stop physical violence, not whinging and snatching. Come down on that like a tonne of bricks (warning, naughty step etc.) so they quickly get the message that it's not acceptable. If they persist in bothering you ("Mummy, he did this...it's not fair..."), tell them this is quiet time and you'll deal with it afterwards. Chances are they'll forget what happened . If a particular toy is continually causing trouble because they can't share it nicely, visibly take it away in front of them because they're not sharing nicely. But try to leave them to sort their own battles to some extent.
• Promote empathy and try to get them to understand their own feelings and how their actions might impact how others feel. I think the thing about "genuinely delightful" children (as you term it) is that they both understand how their actions might make others feel and they really want to have a positive effect. 5 and 2 are maybe a bit young for this, but I make a point of often asking my toddler whether he is feeling happy or sad and why. Also, if he's not sharing or is being a nuisance, I tell him that Mummy is sad and why. Then if he shares nicely or does as he's told, I let him know that Mummy is happy.
• Stress good behaviour around other children, for instance in the playground or playgroups - taking turns on the slide, not pushing, looking out for little ones, looking where they're going, not screaming or shrieking too loudly, sharing toys or equipment (for example, not taking too long on the swings if there's other children waiting to use them). You don't have to make a song and dance about it, but I make a point of pulling DS aside each time he's being too boisterous or inconsiderate and gently reminding him (for instance, "No, we don't push in front of the little ones. Can you remember that or do you want to sit in the buggy for a minute or two?").

I have 2 lovely adult children
They each had a pony, that taught them a lot about respect, pony club made them hard. Fall off, make sure pony is ok, get back on for the team, your broken collarbone can wait. They are kind but tough.
When I said no, it meant no, they could cry, scream, throw themselves on the floor in the supermarket, I wouldn’t change my mind
No phone, personal pc, iPad, tv until age 10
Never lied to them, never made them a promise I couldn’t keep

Apparently my children are delightful when anyone else looks after them (I'm often convinced they have taken someone elses children by mistake), however they are less delightful for me and their dad . They do know how to behave, they have boundaries and rules and discipline- but they are children and all children have their moments, and who better to play up for then the two people they know will always love them unconditionally.