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Original poster

Whoops! I've upset the MIL!

96 replies

Member345787 · 10/08/2020 18:03

DH 50th this weekend, and we invited my mum, siblings and husbands and their children and MIL and FIL - 17 people in total to BBQ to celebrate with DH.

Backstory - our family parties are always this size and have always been a bit of a nightmare as no-one offers to help at all. So we end up making endless cups of tea, cooking and serving food, picking up plates and glasses, refilling drinks on top of caring for our DC. We are so busy playing host we barely get time to talk to anyone, and when my DC were really small, it really stressed me out because no-one would even help with them if we were busy. Now my DC are a bit older, the parties have got a little easier, and I started borrowing an urn from work and saying to guests that they were welcome to make themselves tea etc to try to lessen our load. To be fair, we know what we are letting ourselves when we invite the family around, my SIL does offer to help and I have now started asking people to do things e.g. DSis can you serve deserts for me which all help.

Anyway on to my dilemma. Lovely BBQ last weekend, everyone started saying goodbyes and leaving. MIL and FIL were one of the last to go, and FIL asked if we wanted a hand to tidy up. I made some crack about "would make a change" or something like this, and MIL left in a huff. She absolutely is the type of woman to hold a grudge.

DH noticed that she was in a mood but he doesn't know that I suspect my comment set her off. How should I tackle this with her if she brings it up when we next speak - likely in the next few days over the phone? Normally I get on well with her, and I would hate to have come across as rude particularly as they are not the only relatives that don't lift a finger when they are round.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/08/2020 18:15

Be honest

"Hardly anyone helps out and unfortunately the truth slipped out when you offered"

Own your truthful comment but be honest that you know that most people don't help out.

FloreanFortescue · 10/08/2020 18:17

Unfortunately you were a bit rude but I'm sure exact thing would have come out of my mouth! I would just eat some humble pie and tell MIL that you were feeling frustrated because these family events aren't enjoyable for you.

LongPauseNoReply · 10/08/2020 18:18

I would own it too. It’s the truth isn’t it? Tell them straight out that it was simply the truth, that no one ever offers to help!

Interested in this thread?

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Families

Bobbiepin · 10/08/2020 18:22

Apologise for being rude but not for the sentiment. Explain how stressful these events are and how you would appreciate more help in future.

OverTheRainbow88 · 10/08/2020 18:22

I would apologise to mil. You’ve hosted a party, you clean up. I wouldn’t expect guests to help me tidy up a party, equally when I go to one I wouldn’t offer to help tidy up.

Crazycrazylady · 10/08/2020 18:25

You were rude so I'd apologise. It's nice when people help but you can't expect it when you invite people.
You should have asked the group to help if you wished it . It was rude to single our one member of the family who coincidentally happen to be your husbands family .

Fatted · 10/08/2020 18:25

I wouldn't bother OP. You spoke the truth. If she doesn't like what you had to say, she doesn't have to visit, does she?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2020 18:26

Sorry, don't have parties at your home if you aren't willing to do all the work. You say no one offers to help, but have you ever asked or do you expect them to read your mind?

itsgettingweird · 10/08/2020 18:31

I don't get why you are having large BBQs that require serving, plate cleaning, re filling drinks etc.

My mum is one of 7 children. Our family get together are huge.

People get their own food (elderly are helped by everyone). People put their own paper plates and cups in the bits strategically placed.

I'd have lowered my offering and therefore expectations from the start

But as far as the comment yes it was rude but can totally see why it slipped out.

Apologise for being tactless but not for being honest.

2bazookas · 10/08/2020 18:37

You cou;ld say " I was really tired and later I realised I'd been a bit rude. I'm really sorry ".

 I don't know how you let family  members get away without helping. If it was me i'd say   " Bob, can you be in charge of the drinks please?  Mary, can you hand these round for me.  Jim, please would  you round up all the empty glasses  and plates and put them in the (sink, DW)

livefornaps · 10/08/2020 18:43

Well i doubt they'll be offering again any time soon.

Why, when somebody just wanted to be nice, even if it was overdue, did you stick the boot in? What did you think that comment would actually achieve? Why not just accept the help happily and then they will want to help again?

I would be dining and dashing round at your gaff from now on if I were them. Chomp the food down, dump the cutlery down and go.

lifestooshort123 · 10/08/2020 18:44

I would contact her and apologise for being rude - you were and need to own it. Tell her you were tired and shouldn't have said it, sorry. Then move on as pulling it all apart will make it a big deal and it wasn't in the scheme of things.

BadDucks · 10/08/2020 18:45

Yeah you were rude I'm afraid. Family on both sides don't ever offer to help and then when one does they are on the receiving end of a snarky comment.

Generally speaking I think hosting IS just running around a making sure everyone has everything they need and cleaning up afterwards. It's a bonus if people do pitch in but to willingly invite people and then have a dig at them at the end is a bit mean.

GennyCrabby · 10/08/2020 18:49

Yeah you were rude and probably need to eat some humble pie. If you wanted help you should ask for it.

Bmidreams · 10/08/2020 18:52

As an out, just say it wasn't aimed at them specifically, but how generally nobody ever helps.

DryIce · 10/08/2020 18:53

It was a bit rude, and also self defeating when they offered what you wanted !

But I wouldn't have too much time for your MIL's "huff". I know people who have huffs like this. Claim outrage and sail off, conveniently being too offended to actually help and with the added bonus of claimed victimhood!

MacduffsMuff · 10/08/2020 18:56

Yep, you were rude. Your FIL did offer to help - that wasn't really the time to make a sarky remark.

17 people isn't really that many to host unless you are doing a sit down meal, so perhaps you need to do what most do at a BBQ and put the food on a table with plates and cutlery and tell people to help themselves to drinks too. We have big plastic tubs which we fill with ice for beers and cold drinks and people are told to help themselves. While I always make sure that everyone has what they need, I don't feel the need to spoon feed them. I absolutely don't expect anyone to help tidy up either, if we are hosting.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 10/08/2020 18:58

This. You were rude, and calling her "the MIL" is dismissive and rude again and strongly suggests that you're not exactly nice to her generally. Unless there's a huge backstory beyond just people not helping at the parties you choose to hold in your own house, you owe FIL an apology.

BlueJava · 10/08/2020 18:59

I feel your comment was rude - if you have a party you have to expect to clear up (or hire someone to do it for you). I think I'd say "Yes sorry, it slipped out when I was tired, but I'm in better spirits now" and move on. If she wants to huff and puff ignore her.

pictish · 10/08/2020 18:59

It wasn’t the best response to an actual offer of help, no.

happytoday73 · 10/08/2020 19:03

If you don't like hosting and all that it requires why didn't you just use the covid requirements as a reason why you couldn't host? Only 2 households would have reduced your numbers and therefore your workload...

Yubaba · 10/08/2020 19:05

In my family we all muck in, if we have people over or go to others houses we take it in turns to brew up or top up the nibbles or what not.
We don’t stand on ceremony, my sister or my mum are welcome to help themselves to anything in my cupboards and vice versa.
It’s different if we have friends over but family I would expect to at least put cups/glasses in the kitchen and rubbish in the bin.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 10/08/2020 19:05

Sorry, OP, it was a bit rude - I would be hurt if someone said that to me. I wouldn't host the family if I wasn't prepared to do the work, although I must admit, your lot sound a bit lazy 😂 I am blessed with a helpful sister and DM, who would naturally help out, but I don't expect it, and I do take pride in being able to host people without sweating it too much. I try to make things as easy as possible, so that I can enjoy time with my guests. Would I heck be making cups of tea all day!! I might make a large pot at the start and then put someone in charge of keeping it topped up - but then my family are more into wine than tea, which makes life easier

ButtonMoonLoon · 10/08/2020 19:06

I’d follow up with a card to say sorry to be honest, making it clear that nobody offers to help out-not just them.

Are larger gatherings from multiple households allowed now under lockdown rules then?

WinterAndRoughWeather · 10/08/2020 19:06

Why host these parties if they’re a nightmare? I never expect anyone to pitch in when I give a party (and would be a bit embarrassed to have guests - even family - washing up or whatever).

It sounds like you martyr yourself to these events, make them more work than they need to be, then quietly resent everyone for behaving like a normal guest.

And yeah, being passive aggressive to the one person who did read your mind and offer to help is super rude.

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