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Original poster

Whoops! I've upset the MIL!

96 replies

Member345787 · 10/08/2020 18:03

DH 50th this weekend, and we invited my mum, siblings and husbands and their children and MIL and FIL - 17 people in total to BBQ to celebrate with DH.

Backstory - our family parties are always this size and have always been a bit of a nightmare as no-one offers to help at all. So we end up making endless cups of tea, cooking and serving food, picking up plates and glasses, refilling drinks on top of caring for our DC. We are so busy playing host we barely get time to talk to anyone, and when my DC were really small, it really stressed me out because no-one would even help with them if we were busy. Now my DC are a bit older, the parties have got a little easier, and I started borrowing an urn from work and saying to guests that they were welcome to make themselves tea etc to try to lessen our load. To be fair, we know what we are letting ourselves when we invite the family around, my SIL does offer to help and I have now started asking people to do things e.g. DSis can you serve deserts for me which all help.

Anyway on to my dilemma. Lovely BBQ last weekend, everyone started saying goodbyes and leaving. MIL and FIL were one of the last to go, and FIL asked if we wanted a hand to tidy up. I made some crack about "would make a change" or something like this, and MIL left in a huff. She absolutely is the type of woman to hold a grudge.

DH noticed that she was in a mood but he doesn't know that I suspect my comment set her off. How should I tackle this with her if she brings it up when we next speak - likely in the next few days over the phone? Normally I get on well with her, and I would hate to have come across as rude particularly as they are not the only relatives that don't lift a finger when they are round.

OP posts:
diddl · 10/08/2020 20:12

Why's MIL in a huff when it was FIL you were talking to?

Daft to not say "yes please" but I'm thinking that an answer of no was expected?

I wouldn't make a point of apologising, but if it's mentioned say that you were talking generally.

And stop doing everything if it pisses you off!

Pillypocket666 · 10/08/2020 20:18

I wouldn't expect my guests to do anything to be honest.

GrumpyHoonMain · 10/08/2020 20:21

You were really rude. It’s not your guests fault you want to host.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Drivingdownthe101 · 10/08/2020 20:23

It's interesting how absolutely no one posting seems bothered that this BBQ was way outside of what is legal right now...

Actually, it is legal to have gatherings inside and out of up to 30 people.

Guylan · 10/08/2020 20:25

It's interesting how absolutely no one posting seems bothered that this BBQ was way outside of what is legal right now...

I looked on gov website and it says:

“ socialise outdoors in a group of more than six people from different households; gatherings larger than six should only take place if everyone is from exclusively from two households or support bubbles”

but then goes on to say it’s illegal to have gatherings more than 30. So it’s not illegal having 17 for a gathering outside but not advisable. Lots of wiggle room by the govt as per usual.

Sistery · 10/08/2020 20:25

I must admit I find it so depressing that we are trying to get levels low enough so kids can go back to school without being locked down again 2 weeks later and people are out there hosting BBQs for 17 people and barely anyone thinks it’s even worthy of comment.

MrsMayo · 10/08/2020 20:25

Actually, it is legal to have gatherings inside and out of up to 30 people.

Yes, that is what gov.uk says.

Guylan · 10/08/2020 20:27

Sorry third paragraph meant to write it says:

“ It remains the case that you should not:

socialise outdoors in a group of more than six people from different households; gatherings larger than six should only take place if everyone is from exclusively from two households or support bubbles“

Russellbrandshair · 10/08/2020 20:29

I think your problem is that you are being passive aggressive. Instead of saying: “guys, could someone else cater this time please as it’s a lot of work and it always falls on me to do everything because no one ever helps and it’s exhausting”.
Instead you keep on doing it knowing that no one will help and instead your annoyance is coming out in sarcastic comments which come across as rude.
Stop doing all the catering and taking everything on your shoulders!! Then you won’t end up feeling resentful and you won’t feel the need to make snide comments. Speak your truth - it’s always far better in the long run and it saves all this resentment and bad feeling.

EndofmyWeightTether · 10/08/2020 20:30

@MrsMayo

Actually, it is legal to have gatherings inside and out of up to 30 people.

Yes, that is what gov.uk says.

Not in a private household.
RandyLionandDirtyDog · 10/08/2020 20:32

Why do some of you (with no brains) automatically assume that the OP is in England? Do you assume that she’s a white Christian too?

Mumsnet has contributors from around the globe and family gatherings outdoors are not illegal everywhere.

Guylan · 10/08/2020 20:36

@RandyLionandDirtyDog

Why do some of you (with no brains) automatically assume that the OP is in England? Do you assume that she’s a white Christian too?

Mumsnet has contributors from around the globe and family gatherings outdoors are not illegal everywhere.

Yes, it’s a valid point she may not be living in UK.
Guylan · 10/08/2020 20:40

Not in a private household

The govt website says it’s only illegal above 30. Exact words are “It is against the law for gatherings of more than 30 people to take place in private homes (including gardens and other outdoor spaces)”. However, previous paragraph says you shouldn’t socialise with more than six people outside from different households. So not advised, but not illegal.

vanillandhoney · 10/08/2020 20:42

Sorry, but you were rude. If you host - you do the work, surely?

You need to apologise for your comment - it was totally unnecessary.

Shizzlestix · 10/08/2020 20:52

Tricky. I hosted and did all the clearing for a big family do the other night. My cousin dried some dishes, but bar taking glasses indoors, nobody did or was expected to do anything. I think a guarded apology would be good, plus in future, ask for people to do chores, assign them as they walk in.

Billben · 10/08/2020 21:02

Indeed they are. It's usually a safe assumption anyway as this is a UK based site - welcome smile

I think OP’s rudeness is rubbing off on you. 🙄

strawberrypip · 10/08/2020 21:10

I'm really surprised at some of the responses on here OP. I would feel so rude going to someone else's home and contributing to mess, then not helping atall, not even to clean up after myself. I'm glad I was brought up with this attitude, couldnt imagine leaving the host who had already done all the work with a cheery bye and leaving them with everything to do!

comment to MIL was obviously a bit sarky, if she asks you about it I would just apologise, say you were tired and she got the brunt end of it as nooone ever helps.

Coffeeandbeans · 10/08/2020 21:21

I really don’t know why I’m still following the guidelines when others are having parties for 17 people. The guidelines say no more than 6 people. The law says no more than 30 - this is aimed at weddings etc not garden bbqs. We should be following the guidelines. I would like my child to return to school in September.

Cakeorchocolate · 10/08/2020 22:11

A simple apology.

"It was very nice of FIL to offer to help and I'm sorry I reacted that way. I really didn't mean to offend you. I was surprised as in all the years/times of hosting these get togethers, it's the only time anyone has offered to help."

But as others have said, hosting isn't a doddle for sure. You feel like you haven't been part of the get together and I feel rude because of it (also have pretty big family get togethers here).

When MIL hosts, I have to say we've all been raised pretty well, in that almost all of us offer to help (usually refuses offers) and when it comes to clearing away, a few of us are pretty good at just getting on with helping. We don't ask anymore!

But when I'm hosting I don't expect help, I refuse offers and I'd rather everyone was enjoying the time together and dh and I clear up after.

MrsMayo · 10/08/2020 22:17

Not in a private household.

You are wrong.

MrsMayo · 10/08/2020 22:19

I'm not saying I support large gatherings.

HRTRefusal · 10/08/2020 22:20

I always tidy up, wash dishes and help with cooking etc when I go to family events like this, I'm often asked to do X Y Z by the host. When I'm hosting, I ask people to do things for me and everyone does it happily.

Your problem is you were being passive aggressive, people seldom respond well to that, it's not a great way to communicate.

If you spoke to my husband like that when he was offering to help you I would have taken the hump too, especially if you have form for taking shots at people.

Nip it in the bud, give her a ring and apologise, you'll both feel better.

MrsMayo · 10/08/2020 22:23

It is against the law for gatherings of more than 30 people to take place in private homes (including gardens and other outdoor spaces).

This is from Gov.uk

Yes, it's annoying and I want my child back at school but this is what they have said. Guidelines are different to Law Hopefully they change it soon.

EndofmyWeightTether · 10/08/2020 22:27

@MrsMayo

Not in a private household.

You are wrong.

I'm not wrong Smile

You can read about meeting people from outside your household here

It remains the case that you should not:

socialise indoors in groups of more than two households (anyone in your support bubble counts as one household) – this includes when dining out or going to the pub

socialise outdoors in a group of more than six people from different households; gatherings larger than six should only take place if everyone is from exclusively from two households or support bubbles

The 17 people in the OP did not come from just two households.

Drivingdownthe101 · 10/08/2020 22:30

EndofmyWeightTether they are guidelines, not law. The actual law is that no more than 30 people must gather inside or out.
It says in your link ‘should not’ gather in groups of more than 6. They’re the guidelines.