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Original poster

Whoops! I've upset the MIL!

96 replies

Member345787 · 10/08/2020 18:03

DH 50th this weekend, and we invited my mum, siblings and husbands and their children and MIL and FIL - 17 people in total to BBQ to celebrate with DH.

Backstory - our family parties are always this size and have always been a bit of a nightmare as no-one offers to help at all. So we end up making endless cups of tea, cooking and serving food, picking up plates and glasses, refilling drinks on top of caring for our DC. We are so busy playing host we barely get time to talk to anyone, and when my DC were really small, it really stressed me out because no-one would even help with them if we were busy. Now my DC are a bit older, the parties have got a little easier, and I started borrowing an urn from work and saying to guests that they were welcome to make themselves tea etc to try to lessen our load. To be fair, we know what we are letting ourselves when we invite the family around, my SIL does offer to help and I have now started asking people to do things e.g. DSis can you serve deserts for me which all help.

Anyway on to my dilemma. Lovely BBQ last weekend, everyone started saying goodbyes and leaving. MIL and FIL were one of the last to go, and FIL asked if we wanted a hand to tidy up. I made some crack about "would make a change" or something like this, and MIL left in a huff. She absolutely is the type of woman to hold a grudge.

DH noticed that she was in a mood but he doesn't know that I suspect my comment set her off. How should I tackle this with her if she brings it up when we next speak - likely in the next few days over the phone? Normally I get on well with her, and I would hate to have come across as rude particularly as they are not the only relatives that don't lift a finger when they are round.

OP posts:

MrsMayo · 10/08/2020 22:38

Drivingdownthe101

Yes, guidelines are different to Law.

Gogogadgetarms · 10/08/2020 22:44

@Coffeeandbeans

I really don’t know why I’m still following the guidelines when others are having parties for 17 people. The guidelines say no more than 6 people. The law says no more than 30 - this is aimed at weddings etc not garden bbqs. We should be following the guidelines. I would like my child to return to school in September.

@Coffeeandbeans 👏👏👏👏👏

MrsMayo · 10/08/2020 22:45

Answer to your post OP - I might have said it but then be worried the next day. So I would probably need to talk about it. What have you decided?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

HopelessSemantics · 10/08/2020 22:47

Leaving the guidelines aside, it probably wasn't the time to say it, but God I understand. Some people take the piss.

WaltzingBetty · 10/08/2020 22:52

I think it's really rude, when someone offers to help in good faith that you snipe and throw it back in their faces. Totally uncalled for. If you don't like hosting then stop doing it. But don't be a bitch when your guests offer to help.

You owe them an apology.

goingtotown · 10/08/2020 22:55

Unnecessary comment, you should apologise.

OhYeahYouSuck · 10/08/2020 22:56

You were rude. It wasn't a 'crack', it was a passive aggressive dig. If you're hosting, then tbh, why should your guests run around doing stuff. If you don't like it, as you clearly don't, then don't host!

Beautiful3 · 10/08/2020 22:59

You should apologise for being rude. Its your choice to host for that many people. Yes its nice when people help out, but they dont have to offer.

Tistheseason17 · 10/08/2020 23:04

Ouch - apology needed.

GoodWeatherforDucks · 10/08/2020 23:20

I would only think the OP was out of line if all the other siblings and their partners had taken turns at hosting, and carried out all hosting duties by themselves. This isn’t really mentioned, so it seems as if OP is the generous one here and her generosity is being taken advantage of.

I personally would find it strange to go to someone’s house habitually and sit on my jacksie having a lovely time as my hosts ran themselves into the ground attending to everyone’s needs. Especially if it’s family. Fine for a small group of say, 5, but certainly not for a group of 17.

So I can understand that remark slipping out of OP’s mouth, as it sounds like a bit of a backlog of resentment. Unfortunately it came out at FIL who had actually offered to help. (Or was it one of those “Make myself feel good by offering, but I hope she refuses” type offers?)

I think it would be good to be honest, and explain in a card that you didn’t mean to hurt their feelings, but that actually it would be great if THE WHOLE FAMILY could be less requiring of being waited on hand and foot. Many hands make light work - if it’s less of a drudge, you’d probably be happy to host more such occasions. Win! Win!

Graphista · 11/08/2020 01:27

I'm also from a large extended family - there's 30 or so on dads side and 40 of us on mums side!

Now of course this was prior to coronavirus but we don't expect the person hosting to be a martyr!

However thats not just about not us helping out (which admittedly we tend to do anyway I must say) but also the host taking practical steps to reduce the amount of work they do - frankly a bbq is a ludicrous idea for large gatherings as it's hard to cook large amounts of food this way.

Much better to go for one pot wonders and accompaniments. Things that can be "serve and come again" like chilli, curry, casseroles and stews. BUT we also go partially "American supper" so someone will be responsible for bringing the cold drinks, another ice, another salads, another dips and breadsticks/crudités... you get the idea. This also spreads the cost of course. No snobbery about "shop bought" either. A contribution is a contribution and welcomed. Buckets filled with ice hold the cold drinks at strategic points which prevents the fridge/freezer from being broken from repeated opening and heating.

8 of us are veggie, one is vegan and a few have allergies/intolerances and these are all catered for - we have a well honed system of "flagging" now! Eg one thing we do is wrap green electrical tape around a handle of one of the large pots of chilli or whatever and that's the veggie pot!

And environmentally sound or not (we don't get together like this especially often) we also don't expect the hosts to be dealing with a huge pile of dishes! So paper plates and cups and mugs and disposable cutlery are used too. And rather than overflowing standard bins there's bin bags hooked on door handles etc so people can quickly and easily dispose of their own mess.

We also use an urn on mums side, everyone chipped in to get one at one point I forget when and it's moved around according to who's hosting.

It sounds like you martyr yourself to these events, make them more work than they need to be, then quietly resent everyone for behaving like a normal guest. agree with this I'm afraid

eatsleepread · 11/08/2020 01:31

As it was his 50th, couldn't you have booked caterers, or a meal out?
There seems to be a bit of resentment on your part, so maybe these parties just aren't working for you.
Your comment was truthful but passive aggressive.

JennyWasAFriendOfMinee · 11/08/2020 02:10

I made some crack about "would make a change" or something like this

So you don't remember exactly what you said or just minimising?

I would only think the OP was out of line if all the other siblings and their partners had taken turns at hosting, and carried out all hosting duties by themselves

What if the siblings are not interested in hosting family gatherings and only go to the OP's because they feel obligated when she asks them to come.

So I can understand that remark slipping out of OP’s mouth, as it sounds like a bit of a backlog of resentment

Seriously? If you are at the stage where you have built up a backlog of resentment over something like this, it's time to stop having BBQs.

MacduffsMuff · 11/08/2020 08:55

As it was his 50th, couldn't you have booked caterers, or a meal out?

One would assume that if they want wanted to do this, they would have @eatsleepread. Maybe they didn't want to. Maybe they can't afford it. Maybe they couldn't find a restaurant to accommodate as this is currently not allowed.

Drivingdownthe101 · 11/08/2020 09:24

@eatsleepread

As it was his 50th, couldn't you have booked caterers, or a meal out? There seems to be a bit of resentment on your part, so maybe these parties just aren't working for you. Your comment was truthful but passive aggressive.

Irrelevant really, because it has happened and they didn’t. Caterers are expensive.

eatsleepread · 11/08/2020 12:20

Fair enough. But as it's a big occasion, I'd have wanted to lighten the load, rather than do everything myself again, and then feel resentful over it.
A takeaway really wouldn't have cost much more!

Sceptre86 · 11/08/2020 12:29

You were blunt, sometimes it happens. If your mil brings it up in conversation, apologise. I will help whenever my mil has a party by cleaning down, stacking the dishwasher or drying dishes etc but I largely leave the clean up to my sil who lives there. She does the same when at mine, helps a little but it is up to the hosts to do the majority of it. I second asking people to help themselves. I tend to serve everything in dishes and ask people to help themselves, I might put too much or too little for them so just saves hassle.

VacMan · 11/08/2020 12:36

It sounds like you martyr yourself to these events, make them more work than they need to be, then quietly resent everyone for behaving like a normal guest.

Totally agree, so bloody rude.

RandyLionandDirtyDog · 11/08/2020 12:46

@eatsleepread

As it was his 50th, couldn't you have booked caterers, or a meal out? There seems to be a bit of resentment on your part, so maybe these parties just aren't working for you. Your comment was truthful but passive aggressive.

Booked caterers? Wow, you sound posh!

I’ve never attended a single (non wedding) party where someone booked caterers. It’s not done in the circles I move in. I even hosted my own wedding party, although I did pay for a few trays of ready made sandwiches to save time.

However, joining in and helping out at a family party is the norm and anyone that sits expecting to be waited on would be harshly judged by me as extremely rude.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/08/2020 13:15

It was rude. Don’t host a party if you don’t want to do the work involved. I’d never expect guests to clean up in my home.

As an aside, a large gathering where multiple surfaces and food shared surely goes against the guidelines.

doingitforthefrill · 11/08/2020 15:01

It was a bit rude considering he had then offered as well.

However I do get why you get frustrated. Don’t get me wrong I fully expect to clear up etc if I invite family over for bbq and parties but my in-laws just sit back and demand drink after drink or things getting for them when I’m trying to run around look after everyone else and my own kids whilst trying to catch up with people. I don’t expect them to clean up but I do find it rude that they just leave cups and plates that are finished with just where ever. We had a bbq the other day and they’d even left cutlery and plates with food still on right down the garden before leaving to go home.

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