Dh doesn't want to buy a house

[nohousenohome]

Well he says he does. But he's been saying that for ten years. He wants to keep saving and buy at the right time. We now have two kids, one newborn.

I feel like my eldest missed out on living in a nice area with parks nearby, a backyard, making friends locally and I'm about to watch the baby have the same.

We have a shit tonne of savings. Could buy a house outright if we wanted to. And though we've been looking and he's been saying yes we will - when it's the right time, when we find the right house. I'm sick of looking at houses, I'm sick of investing my time and my emotions into finding the right place. I know I'm writing this right now in a rage and rambling and you're probably all going to come on and tell me there are bigger problems in the world and to give my head a wobble.

I'm just really sick of it. I'm tired of waiting for the landlord to do repairs for months on end, waiting to buy decent furniture that will suit the house we buy, not having a backyard for the kids.

It feels like I am at his mercy because I'm at home with the baby and he's always been the higher earner. So I hate the lack of control and I feel like he's dangling a carrot and we won't own a home until we're 80 and it's 'the one'.

Sorry everyone. I just feel really fucked off and I'm going to be stuck in this stupid rental and the noisy main road forever.

That sounds pretty crap. Can your DH explain what the right time is?

Are the savings jointly owned or just his?

He's earned most of

Crikey - if there is enough money to buy outright then I would be very annoyed at this situation. I would actually be wondering if he didn't see a long term future together as this could be why he is unwilling to tie up money in a house jointly.

What is his criteria for a good time? It sounds like an excuse and it would be interesting to find out why he is so reluctant to commit to buying a family home. Is he otherwise funny with money?

So does he see the money as 'his'? I'm sorry but I don't understand married couples, or even couples in long-term relationships whose money is their own. Every penny that comes into my household be it earned by myself or DH or given to either of us is shared money and we decide jointly how it will be spent - we each allocate ourselves a small amount of 'frivolous' spending (magazines, craft items, snacks etc).

If your DH is withholding money from you he is financially abusing you

I meant a good time to buy

Sorry don't know where my post went. He's earned most of it as I've been home with kids, one with a disability. And worked part time prior to this baby. I'd never earn anything like he earns but I'd have been happy to own something modest. He wants a dream home. I just want stability and a home that's ours.

Let me guess. Is he one of those idiots waiting for house prices to crash by 50%? These people will be waiting for the rest of their lives.

@LiberteEgaliteBeyonce

I meant a good time to buy

I really don't know anymore. He finds something wrong with every house we see.

@DobbyLovesSocks

So does he see the money as 'his'? I'm sorry but I don't understand married couples, or even couples in long-term relationships whose money is their own. Every penny that comes into my household be it earned by myself or DH or given to either of us is shared money and we decide jointly how it will be spent - we each allocate ourselves a small amount of 'frivolous' spending (magazines, craft items, snacks etc).

If your DH is withholding money from you he is financially abusing you

I think he sees it as his and that he carries us but he doesn't withhold money no. We have a nice life and I have access to everything.

Give him an ultimatum, a house by the end of the year or walk and take half the savings and he can pay child maintenance

@AuldFox

Let me guess. Is he one of those idiots waiting for house prices to crash by 50%? These people will be waiting for the rest of their lives.

I think that's part of it. My feeling is that he likes seeing the growth, he likes knowing it's there, he likes the cushion, he likes the extra income from it.

I've given up ever hoping that we will move forward with our lives.

@Greenkit

Give him an ultimatum, a house by the end of the year or walk and take half the savings and he can pay child maintenance

I guess my issue with this kind of ultimatum which might actually force his hand to buy, is that we might actually buy at the wrong time?! And then he'll be bitter and resentful at me. I want his heart to be in it.

Oh god. Then I really feel for you nohouse

These men treat a home like an investment. They don’t want any risk of losing money, want to time the bottom of a market (hint: you can’t) and won’t ever get on with it. There is no perfect house. It’s just an excuse not to commit. Meanwhile, your life is running out. Horrendous. I’d be threatening to leave with half the savings.

You are actually married aren’t you, sorry to ask but sometimes people have written that and they aren’t actually married.

Finding a perfect house is really hard, I do love my house but the only perfect house we ever viewed and it really was had a very busy road. We thought it would be ok but then I visited that road a couple of times over the week and counted the cars and it was hundreds per hour and pollution report was really bad.

Your DH is however stalling.

I'd u can buy outright have u pointed out that by paying rent he is literally throwing his money away??

Even if u can't buy outright and had to get a mortgage you'd have something to show for it at the end.

Could you come to a compromise and at least nice rental? It seems odd to live in a bad area, with a bad landlord and no garden when you have a few hundred thousand in the bank. I wouldn't want to be with someone who wouldn't it his children first. There's nothing wrong with renting, bit it sounds like he rented the cheapest thing he could find

If he likes seeing the savings so much, can you convince him by showing how much money you've already 'thrown away' by renting? If you add up all of the money you've spent renting, most of that could have gone into a house, so in addition to the £££ you already have saved, you would also have the money spent renting, in a house that you own, which you could sell down the line (e.g. to downsize) if needed.

Is there ever a "right time" just do it.

List 5 things each that you want in a house and then find one to suit.

I think financially dependent wives do sometimes under estimate the pressure their DH feels to provide and the DH does "need" to know there's a cushion there more than wives who are used to being looked after without having to think too hard about where the money comes from.

Does he enjoy his job? I have a friend whose husband earns very well and they live very much beneath their means, which frustrates my friend as she thinks they could have a better house and/or private schools but I know her DH is worried that if he takes those things on he'll be trapped in his job.

It does seem odd that he doesn't want to buy if the savings are that high but I did understand not wanting to take on sole financial responsibility for such a commitment. Having a good pot of cash does provide choices.

You can't make him buy a house. He doesn't want to.

All you can do is decide whether you want to stay with someone who doesn't want the same things as you do.

@nohousenohome I think most people are easily convinced by the whole rent being dead money thing but I guess it’s not like you get nothing in exchange for your rent... like somewhere to live is a fairly big thing to receive in return - so i guess that argument wouldn’t convince him. I can also see that he would take a level of comfort knowing the money is there and not dependent on the housing market etc. Are there any other reasons He states? like is he likely ever have to move locations for work or something at short notice? We were serial renters for years but neither of us begrudged it as similarly we managed to save a lot and eventually the freedom to move with no chain to a ‘dream home’ which gave us the pick of bunch so to speak as so many selling ‘wanted us’. DH was working all over the place at the time so we eventually decided on the nicest area for the kids - almost 2 hours from where we’d been renting.

wives who are used to being looked after without having to think too hard about where the money comes from you make it sounds like op is swanning around town with DHs credit card living the high life as opposed to working part time and having young kids to care for whilst living in a crappy house and chasing the landlord for repairs.

I guess my issue with this kind of ultimatum which might actually force his hand to buy,
is that we might actually buy at the wrong time?!

Don’t get dragged into this nonsense. You’re kind of many years late buying the property but better late than never.

It’s not a 2-year investment that can go very wrong. It’s a family home to stay in for years.