Dh doesn't want to buy a house

[nohousenohome]

Well he says he does. But he's been saying that for ten years. He wants to keep saving and buy at the right time. We now have two kids, one newborn.

I feel like my eldest missed out on living in a nice area with parks nearby, a backyard, making friends locally and I'm about to watch the baby have the same.

We have a shit tonne of savings. Could buy a house outright if we wanted to. And though we've been looking and he's been saying yes we will - when it's the right time, when we find the right house. I'm sick of looking at houses, I'm sick of investing my time and my emotions into finding the right place. I know I'm writing this right now in a rage and rambling and you're probably all going to come on and tell me there are bigger problems in the world and to give my head a wobble.

I'm just really sick of it. I'm tired of waiting for the landlord to do repairs for months on end, waiting to buy decent furniture that will suit the house we buy, not having a backyard for the kids.

It feels like I am at his mercy because I'm at home with the baby and he's always been the higher earner. So I hate the lack of control and I feel like he's dangling a carrot and we won't own a home until we're 80 and it's 'the one'.

Sorry everyone. I just feel really fucked off and I'm going to be stuck in this stupid rental and the noisy main road forever.

I don't understand the savings thing. Surely if he can save £££ whilst paying rent, he could save same whilst paying a mortgage.

Or if you bought a house outright he could save more each month to build the pot back up.

I was born cynical and my view is that he isn't buying a house because if you were to split, you would most likely get the house until kids were 18 when it would be sold and split.

It's his money in his head. He thinks you aren't entitled to any of it.

As PP said, get records of all finances, savings, earnings etc as cash is far easier for him to hide if you do split.

Could you get a job and tell him to pay for nursery to give you some independence?

Please tell me you at least have good pension provision.

Sounds like there is more than this issue. I won’t repeat the useful stuff said above.

But on the investment side, I suggest you meet him on his own ground, you seem to have a few decent arguments (I am no expert, I just read the news):

1. Stamp duty holiday Is a huge benefit (ends spring 21);

1. Likelihood that stock market will go down post-covid contractions, end of govt stimulus, etc. meaning any share based investments are likely to reduce in value (they already have since March);

1. With interest rates so appallingly low, this is not a good time to have a lot of liquidity in cash terms. Inflation will reduce the value in real terms.

1. There is talk of negative interest rates (where the bank charges you to hold your money). It is already happening for some larger investment accounts and larger amounts of savings would not be a great idea;

1. Investing in property in turbulent times is usually a safe bet if you choose wisely, and over the long term is more likely to be a safe harbour, providing you don’t need to sell In next 5-10 years.

He doesn’t sound very financially savvy to me. In current conditions having a lot of csh sitting there is actually going to lose you money! It sounds like he/you both would benefit from speaking to a financial advisor? Otherwise he is masking an emotional reluctance with a lie that it is an investment issue. That requires a different approach

Oh this is a difficult one, I’m on his side I’m afraid, but I was single so I only had to pleas myself.

I purchased my flat last April, I had been saving hard for about 18 months, but I had also been saving a reasonable amount for about 3/4 years before that. I had my money invested in several areas so it was also growing steadily without being too risky.

If I had bought something smaller I could have purchased around a year to 18 months earlier, but I didn’t want to buy a flat I wasn’t hugely keen on, I also didn’t want to pay stamp duty twice.

For me a mortgage is quite a lot more expensive than rent, even if I had purchased a cheaper property my mortgage would be a lot more than rent and if I only stayed 2/3 years the equity wouldn’t be enough to cover the loss in savings or the stamp duty, agent fees or moving costs. I also didn’t want to rely on a bridging loan when I purchased my second property.

The fact that its ‘his’ savings shouldn’t be a factor if you’re married, but obviously you both need to find a compromise you’re both happy with.

Could it be that there are problems in your marriage and he is thinking of leaving OP?

I hate to ask, but all I can think is if you have spent all your savings on a house and then split up, he runs the risk of you getting to stay in the house for a while leaving him nothing to fall back on, and if it does have to be sold he will be reliant on your cooperation before he gets any of his equity back.

Even though you would be entitled to a share of the savings if you split, it is much cleaner to divide cash and there is less risk of him walking away with his entire safety net tied up at the mercy of someone else

Earlier on today he made a comment about me 'not knowing what work is'. I felt really fucking angry and crushed. Looking after two kids is hard work, particularly when one has medical issues.
As an aside to the house issue, do he look after his own kids? DS has medical issues. Was tube get totally for the first few years, still is partially at 5. He's on O2 and we had a lot of appts for therapy in his earlier years. That was without a second child. We now have 7 month old twins. DH would dream of saying they're not hard work because he looks after them himself, we have different standards so we find different bits easier or harder but he KNOWS not just presumes how hard it is. If he doesn't have them, he needs to start. When he moans that he's tired, remind him you don't know what work is so if YOU can manage them all day, he can do an hour or two
As

Can i just double check that the money is all from savings and none of it is from an inheritance?
I don't like the sound of him at all. Full of excuses and no actuon.

I haven't seen it mentioned sorry if I'm repeating, but is now not a really good time to hit with the stamp duty changes?

This is one of those situations where you suddenly have an epiphany and realise you are not on the same page...

One thing I would do is tell him you want to examine both your credit scores.

That will tell you if he has debts and lines of credit you didn't know about, current accounts you don't know about or even a mortgage you don't know about.

You can sign up to Money Supermarket for Transunion, Clear Score for Equifax and Experian for itself.

Something about this is a bit "he has his ducks in a row" or some kind of secret debt. He could also be demand avoidant, which will be a death knell to any relstionship.

He says our lifestyle will have to change when we buy.

That makes no sense. If you buy a place outright, you won't have rent going out every month so you'll have more money, not less.

Why on earth is someone so money-obsessed happy to check money away every single month on rent when you could be living with no rent or mortgage? That's the dream for most people.

Get out the exact rent amount in cash. Count it in front of him. Get a lighter and go to set fire to the lot. Of course he'll go mad and stop you from doing it. But every month that you pay rent you are literally burning money with nothing to show for it.

Start the process by getting some house details that you like. Give him choice between this house or that house, this area or that area. Not shall we buy a house or not.

I'm afraid this reminds me of my ex H who begrudged the money spent on our lives/household after our children arrived [and I could only work part time]. He then went into 'control' mode.

He would withhold 2-3/5ths of his wages at least every month [I found out later] obviously feeling entitled to it as he earned it. Money was king to him, not his wife and family, says it all.

I was suspicious and when I found out his true income [a friends sister worked in his wages department!] we divorced. He deprived me and his children of happiness and normal experiences/ holidays etc. during their childhood... and made me so worried about money/bills to the point of vomiting sometimes.

What your H is saying to you and how he is controlling you, your life, and the future happiness and the welfare of his children in depriving you of your hopes and dreams [when the money is there!] is disgusting. You will resent him, you have done your bit giving him in being pregnant and giving birth to 2 children and rearing them despite difficulties. He owes you big time, not the other way round. It's time he acted and bought a home, and the time is right now. For the sake of your marriage.

Personally I would leave and take half the money and follow your dream. His argument is weak. There is no 'right time' to buy a house. You buy one when you want a home for your family and when you can afford a deposit and when you care for them enough to give them a stable, cosy, settled home and future. That sounds as if that was a long time ago OP. I don't think H will change although I hope for your sake, you and your children, that he does. Challenge him now.

Hey OP,

Just came across your thread, so a bit late to the party, but just wondered how you are? I'm sorry you sounded so sad in your last post. Whatever the reason for your DH not committing to buying a home, you deserve to feel valued and considered and loved. It doesn't mean that things won't change though. Do speak to him about this, or if you can, perhaps you could consider some counselling for the both of you? It sounds like there are a lot of issues to discuss here. Please know though that we all have your back and can see in your posts just how dedicated a mother you are - you and your children will eventually live in a family home - you deserve that. ♥️

* Personally I would leave and take half the money and follow your dream. *

I wouldn't. I would very seriously consider buying a house in your sole name. You did say you have access to the money, right? He doesn't sound like he's fully invested in your family set up. So at least this way you would have a home of your choice to live in until the youngest turns 18, or whatever the agreement is. By then, prices will have increased. He can have his half, because he just may have found a property he wants by then. You will have had a leg up, and no chance of the cash disappearing.

But I'm a cynical old mare, and learnt the hard way.