Dh doesn't want to buy a house

[nohousenohome]

Well he says he does. But he's been saying that for ten years. He wants to keep saving and buy at the right time. We now have two kids, one newborn.

I feel like my eldest missed out on living in a nice area with parks nearby, a backyard, making friends locally and I'm about to watch the baby have the same.

We have a shit tonne of savings. Could buy a house outright if we wanted to. And though we've been looking and he's been saying yes we will - when it's the right time, when we find the right house. I'm sick of looking at houses, I'm sick of investing my time and my emotions into finding the right place. I know I'm writing this right now in a rage and rambling and you're probably all going to come on and tell me there are bigger problems in the world and to give my head a wobble.

I'm just really sick of it. I'm tired of waiting for the landlord to do repairs for months on end, waiting to buy decent furniture that will suit the house we buy, not having a backyard for the kids.

It feels like I am at his mercy because I'm at home with the baby and he's always been the higher earner. So I hate the lack of control and I feel like he's dangling a carrot and we won't own a home until we're 80 and it's 'the one'.

Sorry everyone. I just feel really fucked off and I'm going to be stuck in this stupid rental and the noisy main road forever.

Unfortunately economic power will always leave whoever is the lower earner in this potential situation depending on their partners attitude. I have still only met a couple of SAHP that are men whereas I have met many women who are the SAHP or whose career takes a back seat.

This sets off alarm bells for me, I can't see a genuine reason for him to not want to buy. Are you sure his savings are from a legitimate source? Buying a house outright would attract more scrutiny than making monthly rent payments.

You realise that the savings have only been possible because you have been doing the childcare, which has enabled him to be employed?

And if he thinks that you don't know what work is, I would pack up and leave for the rest of the weekend and give him an idea of what it is that you do.

He sounds monstrously selfish, bleating on about your lack of libido. Men like this seem to be surprised by the fact that women find their selfishness a complete turn-off. Are you actually happy in this marriage?

My feeling is that he likes seeing the growth, he likes knowing it's there, he likes the cushion, he likes the extra income from it.

What growth are you getting? Interest rates on savings accounts are tiny at the moment.

Just saw your update, I think that your marriage is very much on the slide. You need to give him an ultimatum or prepare to divorce. It’s about more than the house.

This is bonkers.

200k in the Bank then paying out 1k rent each month
OR
2k in the Bank, saving 1k a month (which will increase as the years go by) and owning a property worth 198k (which will increase as the years go by)

It's a no brainer to me. You will be better off renting.

He's definitely dangling the carrot. It could be that he is unwilling to share those savings and unwilling to share a house with you, that you might 'take' 'his' money. Are they joint savings you've both put into, or does he work while you stay at home? They would likely still be divided 50/50 in the event of a divorce. And then you could buy a house.

Perhaps he needs reminding of this.

Ew, just read the other update. Yes, he certainly whiffs of the bully who keeps his money and possible-house to himself without wanting to share it with anyone, especially not a wife who might 'take it all'.

Oops not renting - you will be better of buying

Are you on good terms with your landlord? Perhaps sneakily ask him to issue you with a section 21. You're fortunate that while this would make some people at risk of homelessness, it will force DH into finding somewhere else pdq.

Sorry, probably a silly idea but just popped into my head...

There is no possibility that the growth in his savings could be more than your rent. His economic argument doesn't make sense.

Is he concerned that you would get the house in the event of a split as you care for the children?

Does he have a bad credit rating?

Are the savings really as big as you think?

I think a fair ultimatum would be either buy or rent a better home. You can’t be expected to have children in a bad area with no garden and poor schools if you have the funds to do either.

I think he needs to start paying you market rate for childcare, housekeeping, cooking specialist disability caring services. Bet he doesn’t have a penny after that.

Does he like the house you are in now? Would he buy a similar house?

Sorry just rtft. Ignore my idiotic post.

@Tappering

You realise that the savings have only been possible because you have been doing the childcare, which has enabled him to be employed?

And if he thinks that you don't know what work is, I would pack up and leave for the rest of the weekend and give him an idea of what it is that you do.

He sounds monstrously selfish, bleating on about your lack of libido. Men like this seem to be surprised by the fact that women find their selfishness a complete turn-off. Are you actually happy in this marriage?

When he goes on about my libido it makes me never want to have sex again. Being nice is what gives me a libido, being a partner. He says I don't give him enough affection etc. Fair enough, I probably don't. I have one child who is very clingy and doesn't let me out of their site, and a baby on me all day. At the end of the day I just want 5 minutes peace and the opportunity to breathe without it being held against me that I didn't jump all over him the second he walked in.

As PP have said, if you can buy outright then you are saving the cost of the rent. Plus the return on the savings cannot be great.

We have a friend who was like this, a crap load of money sat in the bank as he saw a house as an investment not a home. When he and his wife finally bought he refused to spend what most people would have (3xs just his salary) and bought a small place they could renovate and "add value to"

Now they are stuck in that house because he refuses to move again to anywhere bigger or nicer. He has been in that house for over 10 years. His wife does want to move, they have 2 children and can easily afford it but again he says houses are an investment. His wife is an architect, she is itching to get her hands on something new.

Dh was nervous about buying our first house 20 years ago, so I calculated the cost of our rent over the next 25 years with no increases. Buying a house was cheaper by about £40k!

You need to sit down and tell him there is never a good time to buy unless you did it after the last crash. You need a house now. One with a garden for the children, one where you can control the decor and the repairs without waiting for a landlord to fix stuff.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Does he like the house you are in now? Would he buy a similar house?

It's a nice house but in a crap area with crap schools. He wants a nicer house than this. I'd be happy with this house if it had a garden and moved it to a better suburb.

@Happyrascalsmummy

This sets off alarm bells for me, I can't see a genuine reason for him to not want to buy. Are you sure his savings are from a legitimate source? Buying a house outright would attract more scrutiny than making monthly rent payments.

It's been a long time saving on a 100k+ salary.

I have access to all bank accounts, can see deposits and shares. I know how much there is.

I agree there is pressure when you are the sole earner. I guess I think that pressure will always be there, to pay rent or pay a mortgage. We have to keep a roof over our heads one way or another. He hates the thought of losing his job and having to chip into money. I'm not sure what the money is there for anymore.

At one point a long time ago we had an argument about it and he said he earns good money but doesn't get anything he wants in life. That we take it all. He was talking about material things like a fancy caravan etc. The thing is he could have one?! I felt like shit when he said that but at the same time I've never stopped him.

He makes it sound like he's constantly making sacrifices for us and never treats himself so I always feel selfish.

There are so many threads on here with useless DH’s who seem to think the money they earn is theirs and they alone therefore have the right to decide how it’s spent. Despite the hours of work their wife puts in to support them. Like thats worth fuck all.

He does not value you. You are just a hanger-on to his coat tails. A free charwoman and babysitter. He may even consider you a necessary part of life because he was expected to marry or it looks good.

He’s living in the 1950s.

You are not being treated like an equal part of this relationship.

How do you know he has this money? Have you seen evidence? Whose name is it in?

Have you access to DH’s phone?

I’m thinking he either doesn’t want you to get your hands on it as he’s thinking you may divorce each other down the line and that (wrongly) the money is his so the only way to keep it his is to not buy a house because then you’d get half and he doesn’t want that and thinks he can hide the cash and you won’t be able to touch it as he worked for it not you. So somehow you should walk away with nothing. Charming.

Or

He has a secret gambling problem it isn’t as wealthy as he makes out and it’s all lies and he hasn’t anywhere near as much savings as he says.

OR

(Don’t freak out as this prob doesn’t apply) It could be a prostitution addiction, alcoholism, drugs (executives take cocaine at work in some circles to keep them buzzing and productive) or something else (a secret second family, collectibles, he’s already spent it and it’s gone etc).

Get evidence of the money. Take a photo of the paper or online current and savings bank account statements for evidence before you say anything to get hares running. Or he will hide it. You need proof. Do secretly.

Check his phone for apps or sites he visits to see if there is anything there. Or check his bank statements to see if regular or large sums are being regularly transferred elsewhere.

His behaviour is not normal. You’ve sacrificed everything for him and are currently working - as a mum. You’re not sitting in your arse having manicures and lattes all day. Perhaps you should take off overnight and leave dc to him or charge him per hour for the work you do, or go on strike.

Whatever you do you need to do something. I don’t think the house is the issue. It’s something deeper. And your fear of leaving and returning to your previous penniless existence isn’t helping as he relies on your gratitude for the crumbs he throws you to keep you there, under his fully funded thumb.

Sorry OP.

Are you actually married?

@testingtesting101

Are you actually married?

Yes we're married.

@Elieza

There are so many threads on here with useless DH’s who seem to think the money they earn is theirs and they alone therefore have the right to decide how it’s spent. Despite the hours of work their wife puts in to support them. Like thats worth fuck all.

He does not value you. You are just a hanger-on to his coat tails. A free charwoman and babysitter. He may even consider you a necessary part of life because he was expected to marry or it looks good.

He’s living in the 1950s.

You are not being treated like an equal part of this relationship.

How do you know he has this money? Have you seen evidence? Whose name is it in?

Have you access to DH’s phone?

I’m thinking he either doesn’t want you to get your hands on it as he’s thinking you may divorce each other down the line and that (wrongly) the money is his so the only way to keep it his is to not buy a house because then you’d get half and he doesn’t want that and thinks he can hide the cash and you won’t be able to touch it as he worked for it not you. So somehow you should walk away with nothing. Charming.

Or

He has a secret gambling problem it isn’t as wealthy as he makes out and it’s all lies and he hasn’t anywhere near as much savings as he says.

OR

(Don’t freak out as this prob doesn’t apply) It could be a prostitution addiction, alcoholism, drugs (executives take cocaine at work in some circles to keep them buzzing and productive) or something else (a secret second family, collectibles, he’s already spent it and it’s gone etc).

Get evidence of the money. Take a photo of the paper or online current and savings bank account statements for evidence before you say anything to get hares running. Or he will hide it. You need proof. Do secretly.

Check his phone for apps or sites he visits to see if there is anything there. Or check his bank statements to see if regular or large sums are being regularly transferred elsewhere.

His behaviour is not normal. You’ve sacrificed everything for him and are currently working - as a mum. You’re not sitting in your arse having manicures and lattes all day. Perhaps you should take off overnight and leave dc to him or charge him per hour for the work you do, or go on strike.

Whatever you do you need to do something. I don’t think the house is the issue. It’s something deeper. And your fear of leaving and returning to your previous penniless existence isn’t helping as he relies on your gratitude for the crumbs he throws you to keep you there, under his fully funded thumb.

Sorry OP.

Thank you for your words. I think you are right that he doesn't value me and my opinion isn't really worth anything to him. I'm feeling a bit upset/having a wee cry thinking about all this so I'll check back in later. But I have really appreciated everyone's input.

TBH if he is on £100k then he must be in a very tiny minority who haven’t bought.
It makes financial sense if you are on that amount to buy rather than to waste money on rent.
And it is a waste. Even with a mortgage you are paying off a debt that when you sell the debt is reduced. There is also an end date to the mortgage.
Renting goes on till you die.

Virtually everyone rents at some point in their lives (we are selling and will probably end up in rented between houses in a few months) There is nothing wrong with renting but even the cheapest rent can start to look expensive when it goes on year after year.

There is definitely something else going on or he isn’t as financially savvy as he thinks he is.

Is the savings because you aren’t renting a nice place with a garden or are living on a shoestring so that the money can go in the bank or are you living in a nice house that is suitable for children and reflects his high salary.
Used to know someone who saved a small fortune but it was at the expense of her family living even an averagely normal life.
Everything purchased was analysed and as she got older the worse it got.
Hundreds of thousands in the bank when you could buy a mansion for £75,000 yet would sit in a tiny terraced house in the dark at night (wouldn’t turn on the tv) and eat spaghetti hoops on cheap white bread (beans were 2p more a can)

It is no life and the way he is going the savings will evaporate on rent and care home fees over the years unless he drops dead before retirement or illness.

Sorry OP. Don’t want to hurt you. You deserve so much better than your current situation though.

Perhaps you need to remind him of how much you could earn full time (at least minimum wage of £18,138) plus childcare before and after school for when you’re travelling to/from work (£5 per hour per child for at least 2 hours a day during school term I’d guess) plus any nursery costs for any little ones you have. Add to that full time placement for dc over the summer holidays and other holidays). And overtime at minimum wage for being one call’ all weekend for the children if he doesn’t do his turn looking after them. Plus evening care for them too if you are still on duty then too. You don’t get any time off if he doesn’t do his bit!

The total of all that is what you staying at home is saving him.

Once you’ve got all the evidence you need (I see our posts crossed and you are aware of everything) have a good chat with him and point that out. It’s probably never crossed his mind that you don’t ‘love’ being at home as he probably thinks it’s ‘relaxing and cosy with the children’. The reality is that it’s the hardest job in the world.

If he doesn’t believe you let him try it for the weekend and bugger off to your mums leaving him to watch his own kids and see how he likes having no weekend to himself!