Dh doesn't want to buy a house

[nohousenohome]

Well he says he does. But he's been saying that for ten years. He wants to keep saving and buy at the right time. We now have two kids, one newborn.

I feel like my eldest missed out on living in a nice area with parks nearby, a backyard, making friends locally and I'm about to watch the baby have the same.

We have a shit tonne of savings. Could buy a house outright if we wanted to. And though we've been looking and he's been saying yes we will - when it's the right time, when we find the right house. I'm sick of looking at houses, I'm sick of investing my time and my emotions into finding the right place. I know I'm writing this right now in a rage and rambling and you're probably all going to come on and tell me there are bigger problems in the world and to give my head a wobble.

I'm just really sick of it. I'm tired of waiting for the landlord to do repairs for months on end, waiting to buy decent furniture that will suit the house we buy, not having a backyard for the kids.

It feels like I am at his mercy because I'm at home with the baby and he's always been the higher earner. So I hate the lack of control and I feel like he's dangling a carrot and we won't own a home until we're 80 and it's 'the one'.

Sorry everyone. I just feel really fucked off and I'm going to be stuck in this stupid rental and the noisy main road forever.

I was reading about people in 2008 who are waiting for a crash 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Prices have gone up recently too.

Of course wives contribute in other ways but OP admits this house dream would be impossible without DH's earning power and to have people completely dependent on you staying in your high earning job is quite a pressure. It's not something I'd take on if I had a choice.

I find this so bizarre, and makes me wonder about the dynamics of your relationship. You're making it sound like he has the last word on this, when it should be a considered decision between the two of you.

Now is the right time to buy a house because you have 3 kids and want stability. Money is not the only consideration here. You want a perfectly reasonable thing that will benefit you and the children. I think you need to have a frank conversation with your husband.

He wants to keep saving and buy at the right time

You are buying a home not an investment.

If you have enough to buy outright then surely wasting money on rent is actually costing you not saving you.

If your dh is waiting for a crash then your dh needs to understand about politics and house price increases over the years.

Is he waiting for the 15% reduction because of Brexit and Corona? Because if he is you have to look at the figures since 2016.
On the whole they haven’t gone down they have gone up.

Even this last month there is a boom going on because of Brexit and Corona
People have been holding off selling and now people are on the move.

Depending which area you are in you could have bought 10 years ago and already have doubled your “investment”

If he wouldn’t buy 10 years ago as prices in most areas were at the bottom of a crash then he won’t buy ever.

If you have enough in savings to buy a house outright it doesn't matter if prices fluctuate. His arguments don't stack up because the bottom line is that he just doesn't want to so no amount of reasoning will work with him.

Also the savings might have been from his earnings but remember, you are married and if you didn’t provide the childcare then he wouldn’t be in a position to earn as much in the first place.
That money is half yours.

There's a stamp duty holiday right now, the market has more coming on than in recent times and, if you've got enough money to buy outright, you're actually protecting yourself in readiness for a recession.

If you're going to live in this house for 20 or 30 years it doesn't matter whether house prices go down a bit in the next three years.

I hate to say it OP, but it sounds like for whatever reason he doesn't want to. It's pretty horrible.

@PrayingandHoping

I'd u can buy outright have u pointed out that by paying rent he is literally throwing his money away??

Even if u can't buy outright and had to get a mortgage you'd have something to show for it at the end.

This.

If he's waiting for houses to drop in price and get a bargain, you'll be wasting an eye-watering amount on rent in the meantime. Does he not see this?

If he's finding issues with every single house you see, have you thought about building your own (as you seem to have a good amount of savings) and it would be exactly right then.

@FinnyStory

Of course wives contribute in other ways but OP admits this house dream would be impossible without DH's earning power and to have people completely dependent on you staying in your high earning job is quite a pressure. It's not something I'd take on if I had a choice.

But I don't want a dream house. Dh does. And I guess because he has the job he does I've been patient because it's the fruits of his labour so to speak. If I hadn't met him I would've bought something nice but not fancy and put my time and effort into making it a home.

Add up how much you've spent in rent over the years and if it carries on for the next 10 years. Would that equate to a dream house?

wives who are used to being looked after without having to think too hard about where the money comes from

I had a difficult childhood and earned money and lived on my own from a young age. I lived hand to mouth most of the time. I know what poverty is. I'm grateful I'm no longer in that situation but I won't forget it.

Was just about to say the same as @TiddyTid.

If you buy something now outright with your savings you will be able to continue to save everything you're spending in rent and it will quickly build back up again.

Might be a way to win him over if he's worried about using up the savings

OP, I just think there's something other than finding the right time in terms of the market that's holding him back. Wanting to keep his cushion so he's not trapped in his job could be it, or it might be something else.

I think it's more important to explore that than to argue the point about why this is the right time from an economic pov.

You are buying a home not an investment.

This is how I see it and I think that's the problem. He sees money. He says our lifestyle will have to change when we buy. I'm fine with that, that's normal surely? People don't usually buy a house and then piss their money away on other things.

I.e. DH presumably is not stupid, he knows that you're currently "wasting" money on rent so even if the market did fall you're unlikely to be worse off for buying, so there's something else troubling him about the prospect of buying.

@nohousenohome

You are buying a home not an investment.

This is how I see it and I think that's the problem. He sees money. He says our lifestyle will have to change when we buy. I'm fine with that, that's normal surely? People don't usually buy a house and then piss their money away on other things.

If you're buying outright you will BETTER off that u are now.... you won't be wasting money on rent!

I find this so bizarre, and makes me wonder about the dynamics of your relationship. You're making it sound like he has the last word on this, when it should be a considered decision between the two of you.

I very much feel he has the last word and this is a huge problem. We've talked and talked about it. He says he doesn't. But he very much does and I'm at a loss.

I'm sorry if this is a drip feed into the dynamics of our relationship. Earlier on today he made a comment about me 'not knowing what work is'. I felt really fucking angry and crushed. Looking after two kids is hard work, particularly when one has medical issues. He wanted kids! I didn't have this baby just because I felt like it would be a nice holiday.

He said I am distant in the relationship and I don't have a libido. I'm exhausted. I could sleep for a month.

He says our lifestyle will have to change when we buy.

How? In that you'll have more money?

We just bought, outright, and it's completely bizarre not seeing a couple of grand go out of the bank account each month (we rented in a city where a 2 bed cost >2k/month!), being able to mount things on the wall, fix toilets etc. with our own choice of plumber/time, if I want to paint something, I can. If I dent a wall moving something I'm not thinking about what that'll cost me on the deposit etc.

My kids are still getting used to the idea they're allowed to choose how their room looks.

I understand nerves, we wobbled as we were due to complete mid-lockdown, but honestly we don't regret it at all.

He's a financial idiot if there is money to buy a house outright yet you are renting

How does he figure you will be euu to ride off if you buy as you'll have the tent money freed up

He needs a kick up the bum. Most people don't buy their dream home right off. They work up to it

Like others have said I think there are deeper issues at play

Oh and if you are married it is half your savings as well. I second giving him an ultimatum, house or you go it alone with your half

Just start researching nicer rentals in a quieter nice place with good schools for dc and a garden.

Stop talking about buying a house completely and get very busy on rentals, view them, talk contracts etc.

This should flush him into the open, is it buying a house (rather than renting) or is it spending more money on any type of housing that is the problem. Then you can talk about the real problem and decide what you want.

You could also look at some private schools ‘well DH we live in such a shitty area our dc cant go to the local schools - so if we arent going to move, it will have to be private school fees’

His comment was unkind and wrong OP but it does, to me, suggest that it's the pressure of being the main earner that's holding him back.

I’d take my half after the divorce and buy my own house. Nothing like a bit of independence.

You really need to get him to see the figures.

Savings: 300,000
Interest on savings: say you are getting 1% that's 3,000 a year
Rent: how much do you pay? £1.300 a month.

You could be saving £12,000 a year, even if .maintenance was £500 a month, that would still be a saving of £6,000 a year.

At at the end of it all, you would still have the house and it may well have earned more in capital growth than the interest on savings, which is taxed whereas capital gains on your own home is tax free.

In the last 20 years, house prices have increased by 87%. Where there have been 2 notable dips in the last 40 years in the late 80's and the mid 00's, overall property has held and increased its value.

I would love to see the numbers where y he thinks you will be worse off.

Surely in the longterm, property is the best investment there is? He can't be much getting much interest on his hoarded wealth at the moment.

Your lack of control is going to breed resentment.
Marriage should be a partnership not a dictatorship.
I’m not surprised you’ve got no libido with a relationship like this.
You need to think about what you want for the future. Do you continue this life, and I don’t see him changing, or do you stride out alone and make that home for you and your children ?

I hope you have some family or friends that you can lean on, don’t be alone.