Please tell me I was right...

[tunnocksreturns2019]

...not to settle.

I knew he wasn’t right for me for numerous reasons though a lovely guy; so I told him to go meet someone else who he could have a proper relationship with.

So he did. And now I’m gutted.

I knew it wouldn’t work, but feeling so alone. I know I did the right thing by him.

Really I just miss my late husband and I want him back. It wasn’t that the new guy didn’t live up to DH, by the way - too big an age gap and too big a difference in life outlook.

I know ‘just friends’ won’t work so I’ve lost a significant friendship from the last 3.5 years too.

Oh well. Off to hug my lovely DC. My heart hearts. My grief for DH is right back at the surface.

So for various reasons we talked on the phone - he was confirmed as a rather callous narcissist. The person he has moved on to has a very young baby and still had a husband last I knew.

I feel worse now because I was taken in so badly.

I feel like a fool.

There are lots of things I would like to say to him but I have blocked and deleted him from all social media and deleted his number. When I called I thought it would end up with us being able to be friends, but absolutely not!!

Ah. I think you are all asleep. Also this is quite a dull thread really

I will feel better. I will.

I can’t believe there are people asleep in this heat!! Can the important thing be sold op? Buy yourself something nice with the money

Oh gosh no, he’s collected it - it was his late son’s bike

Think I’ve decided I might try counselling after all, by the way.

I’m sorry you’ve had a tough night. In some ways it’s good that he didn’t manage to reel you back in.

Counselling is a good idea to sort through all these feelings. I get the feeling you’ve been “coping” for years, instead of living. This will get better.

Now, no more contact, onwards and upwards

Sounds like you've seen another side to him, or maybe a side you knew about but hadn't properly acknowledged.

Hopefully this will help you move on and leave you free to meet other (nicer) people, should this be what you want.

Stay strong.

Thank you both. I only slept from 3-6am instead. Today been sorting some things out in my house and packing for holiday, and dwelling far too much on what I could have said or not said.

Disappointed by how badly this has affected me.

No counselling for me any time soon because after hours and hours of Teams meetings, there is no way on earth I am having online counselling.

Maybe start researching counsellors now. The one you want may have a waiting list. If you tell them you want to wait until you can do it face to face I’m sure that will be fine. Otherwise I can see it slipping away as a priority. There may be some doing it face to face now.

Hi tunnocks, I also saw your posts when your DH was so poorly and beyond. Life is a real shit isn't it. I'm so sorry that happened to your family. My friend lost her DH at a similar age suddenly with two young DC and it's been awful watching everything thats happened to them so a massive very unmumsnet like hug to you

I lost a baby son 4 years ago and having just about got my shit together my mum felt unwell 1st December last year, was diagnosed stage 4 then died within 8 weeks. Massive massive shock. She lives 5 mins from me and I saw her every single day so I'm currently feeling like I've lost my right arm and I'm just so bloody sad and cross that she had such a shitty deal at the end of a such a kind, selfless life.

Grief has once more reared its ugly head in my life and I'm finding it exhausting. Lockdown must have been so incredibly hard for you with no support and you must be so tired coming out of that haze before you take everything else in your life into consideration anyway. I really take my hat off to single parents!

My very long winded point to my post is that I see a psychotherapist once a fortnight (over zoom) and I've found it really really helpful.

I find myself having to look after everyone else most of the time including my dad so it's great to have an offload space that is just for me where I don't have to worry about what I say or how it might affect anyone and I can prioritise myself for an hour. I can be utterly honest with her.

I know everything I'm feeling is normal but it's nice to have a vent to someone educated in emotional response. I generally come away from my sessions feeling armed for the next bit if that makes sense.

Anyhoo sorry I prattled on a fair bit there!

I hope you are feeling a bit better soon

Impatientwino so sorry for your losses. Life is too hard!

I think I am going to follow up on the counselling.

Right now I am in a caravan by the seaside my best friend and family are in a caravan nearby. Hoping it’ll be a restorative week

Oh tunnocks!

First, don't kid yourself that people you see around you are in happy relationships. Even if people have been together for a long time, that's not to say that they're really happy. As the saying goes, you never know what's going on behind closed doors.

Second, bloody well done for getting rid of someone who sounds like they were preying on you! You really don't need that. You need someone who is going to cherish you, and be considerate of your history and your needs.

And third - yes - I think counselling would be really beneficial for you. You seem (apologies if I'm massively over-stepping the mark here) like a woman who is very well in touch with their own thoughts, feelings and needs.

But above all - - it sounds like you're doing a bloody good job of getting on with things, bringing up your family and just hanging on in there.

It's bloody unfair. And so tough.

I hope you're enjoying your seaside time!

Much love
xxx

@tunnocksreturns2019 have a wonderful time by the sea. Sounds lovely!

Seaside break sounds perfect

NOT perfect. Kids so horrible today am considering packing up and going home.

Would love to do a Virginia Woolf and walk into the sea with my pockets full of stones.

There is nothing for me in this life now.

Sitting in caravan crying and crying.

Oh bugger. Kids can be the absolute worst when they decide to be. You know this is just a crappy moment in time. It will pass, I promise. There will be more hard days ahead, but good ones too, and one day the good will outweigh the bad by so much that you sail through the tougher moments.

Can you give the kids screens of some sort and sit back?

Tunnocks, you do know that they may have been this naughty even if your DH had been here still? Obviously, he'd have been able to help but you would still have had crappy days.

I hope they've started behaving but if not then tomorrow is another day. If you're not asleep already, get an early-ish night and see what they're like in the morning.

Thinking of you.

Well obviously! The whole point is I have to bring them up alone and I’ve had 3.5 years bringing them up with a terminally ill husband and 3.5 years bringing them up grieving alone! It takes its toll.

I'm sure it does and it will get better, I'm sure of that too. 🙂