Please tell me I was right...

[tunnocksreturns2019]

...not to settle.

I knew he wasn’t right for me for numerous reasons though a lovely guy; so I told him to go meet someone else who he could have a proper relationship with.

So he did. And now I’m gutted.

I knew it wouldn’t work, but feeling so alone. I know I did the right thing by him.

Really I just miss my late husband and I want him back. It wasn’t that the new guy didn’t live up to DH, by the way - too big an age gap and too big a difference in life outlook.

I know ‘just friends’ won’t work so I’ve lost a significant friendship from the last 3.5 years too.

Oh well. Off to hug my lovely DC. My heart hearts. My grief for DH is right back at the surface.

Crying for your bravery. Your loss. Your courage. Well done OP. I've just lost my OH to cancer. I feel so lonely. There is nothing to do but go on. You are young and you are strong. Life will have so much in store for you. Take heart.

And perhaps consider counselling to help you move forward emotionally and be open to another relationship and to loving again.

joystir

Just checking in to say I still feel absolutely terrible. Itching to contact him, but I won’t of course.

He can’t make me happy. Hopefully he and his new person can be happy together.

When do I get to be happy though??

I think your year’s sabbatical might give your time and room to breathe, and focus on what you want for now.

Speaking from personal experience counselling can be very effective in helping work through your feelings.

Unmumsnetty hug x

Could you write a little list of all the things about him that weren't right for you and have a look at it every time you feel upset to remind you why it's not a good idea to be together?

Thanks to you both, I think you’re both right.

I feel so abandoned.

I’ve really gone off feelings. I’ve had the chance to experience some crashingly awful ones over such a long time period and I’m so so tired of feeling bad.

People who have not gone through the tragedy of grief have no idea about how insidious those feelings are. How they can come back and bite you later, long after people assume your life has moved on.

Allow yourself time to “simple be” and accept that you WILL find happiness again, you have proved you are open to it, but perhaps now is not quite the time.

I think lockdown has put additional pressures on everyone, and things are coming back to the surface for so many people.

Sleeping so badly at the moment. Can’t wait for this to pass.

💐

Hi @tunnocksreturns2019 just wanted to offer a hug from a fellow widow. (Widowed at 33, one DC and pregnant at the time). Also bastarding cancer!!

I'm six years in now, so a little further along than you. When my first relationship after DH broke up I was absolutely devastated, having managed to give birth, raise newborn alone etc without taking pills I found I needed them after the break up, it was that bad. Secondary loss is just horrendous. Like you I wondered when I would finally get to be happy again. It was a truly dark time.

I met current partner a year later, we've now been together two years. My DC adore him and we're extending my house together. I honestly thought it would never happen for me.

Hang in there, you won't be alone forever if you don't want to. Take some time to process. It will be ok, you just need to breath through this.

Grobags thank you SO much for your message. Everything feels so hopeless right now xxx

I think of you a lot. I’m sorry it’s so hard. I haven’t lost a husband but I have lost a child, and I find it hard watching everyone else with their perfect intact families and lives while I have to live like this too. I just hope you know that there are others out there trying to get through life as well, I always try and think that when I feel alone with my grief and sadness. Give yourself a bit of a break, you have been through so much and need to be kind to yourself a bit, it is upsetting and you will be missing him, and even if it is the right decision it doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. Thinking of you x

twinkle such a thoughtful message from you too. I’m so sorry for your loss. It just shouldn’t be possible.

I worked all day but I’m not doing well now. I feel so abandoned.

You wouldn’t be that impressed if I told you everything about him. He has his good points, sure, but he pretty aggressively pursued me when he first met me, about six weeks after my DH’s death, nearly implicating me in his marriage breakdown . There’s ‘support’ and there’s selfishness, and he’s been a mixture of both from the beginning.

Just had a look under a cushion for my self esteem. It wasn’t there. I’ll go and bring the washing in.

He does not sound like a good man. He has triggered some feelings that you hadn’t dealt with yet. Sometimes we need some time to wallow, but not too long. You deserved more than him.

Oh he was a mix, as we all are. He was grieving a significant loss too, though he was much further down the line than I was and should have known better.

In a brief resurgence of self esteem I was just considering that perhaps he was right the time he said he was punching above his weight. I’m 10 years younger, much better paid job, in much better shape. So I’m not sure I’m a very nice person either

But still I feel terrible. So indeed - it’s not really about him.

Sending love and hugs OP. You made the right decision ❤️💐

Thank you. Must admit I was enjoying having the wrong person at my beck and call in the absence of the right person 😭

It sounds like he filled a gap, and if he started doing that very soon after your dh died, then that gap has only just been uncovered. I suspect you’re grieving that your dh isn’t there rather than him, he just filled in for a while which made it easier to bear.

Yes. Exactly so. Though I have often gone with big gaps between being in touch with him, on purpose*. I have done shedloads of good quality grieving for my DH all by myself. And with my kids.

• So why so upset now? Because he’d come at the drop of a hat when I asked, I think. And because I don’t believe I’ll ever meet anyone I want a proper relationship with, ever, and have lost my chance to make do?

Remember that grief is not a journey with a beginning and an end, the people we love the most we grieve the hardest for.

I would really recommend private counselling if you can afford it. Most offer trial sessions so you know it's a right fit. Big unmumsnetty hugs

Yes, more counselling sounds sensible. If you’d stayed with him then you definitely would never have met the right person. You’ve given yourself the opportunity to meet someone. Until then you need some more support. That’s really normal. Don’t beat yourself up for not taking this all in your stride!