Please tell me I was right...

[tunnocksreturns2019]

...not to settle.

I knew he wasn’t right for me for numerous reasons though a lovely guy; so I told him to go meet someone else who he could have a proper relationship with.

So he did. And now I’m gutted.

I knew it wouldn’t work, but feeling so alone. I know I did the right thing by him.

Really I just miss my late husband and I want him back. It wasn’t that the new guy didn’t live up to DH, by the way - too big an age gap and too big a difference in life outlook.

I know ‘just friends’ won’t work so I’ve lost a significant friendship from the last 3.5 years too.

Oh well. Off to hug my lovely DC. My heart hearts. My grief for DH is right back at the surface.

It is right when you say there are more choices open to you rather than just settle or be alone.
I know it's easy for me to say but keep telling yourself that. You will get there but don't push it - and don't settle - you deserve much much more than that

More counselling? I haven’t had any yet! Been busy getting DC on an even keel, working, looking after our home.

I’m not sure I have it in me. It is possible to process things without it. I don’t like the ‘you’ll feel worse before you feel better’ warning I’ve been given. I can’t afford that. My kids need me alive.

Sorry! I thought you’d had some. There’s no guarantee of worse - that’s more for if it’s dealing with something you’re trying to suppress. I think a lot of the problem is that you don’t have someone you can just talk to about these things without worrying about the affect on them. This isn’t a family member or friend, it’s something just for you who you don’t have to look after or protect from your grief.

Oh Tunnocks I remember your threads so well.

I think sometimes it can be ok to 'settle', but not with this man. He's not right for you and you know that.

I also think counselling would be a good thing to consider.

I think a lot of the problem is that you don’t have someone you can just talk to about these things without worrying about the affect on them. This isn’t a family member or friend, it’s something just for you who you don’t have to look after or protect from your grief.

Wise words indeed, Rinder.

In my experience I have felt exhausted immediately after attending a session, but a lot better in the days after. It can be painful going over things that hurt, but you’re dealing with it rather than keeping it with you IYSWIM. You could always try a session and see if it helps, though I would recommend sticking with it for longer if it’s not taking too much from you.

Counselling schmounselling...

🤣

Counselling schmounselling could help (and appreciate my battle with autocorrect to write schmounselling twice )

🤣 I get fed up with people in RL suggesting it the second I show any evidence of grief. He was a brilliant man. Of course I miss him! It’s normal. People often suggest it because they don’t want to deal with the fact that there’s pain in life.

Because their lives are, luckily, currently super duper and who would want that poisoning with pain?

I’m not tarring you all with this brush btw 🤣

of course you feel sad and of course you feel pain, and lots you can process on your own, but...

Counselling can ask questions that you haven’t thought of and it can help you plan what you want to do next. It’s not just about looking back, it’s about looking at you and working out what you need now.

It’s not a necessity, but I think it might be the next step in that plan.

I don’t believe you will feel worse, I don’t think you’ll magically feel better either. It can be a bit like a placebo in some ways - just going feels like action and that helps you move forwards.

And putting that grin next to “you feel sad and pain” makes my comment look a lot less sincere!

Must remember to put in paragraphs and show which bit in responding to!

So sorry you're going through this OP.

My sister recently died from cancer at the same age as your DH. It's shit isn't it.

I do hope that you can find happiness again.

Fatted I’m so so sorry. Yes it is the worst.

Fatted

I just messaged him because there’s something at my house of his I want him to pick up. Hate that I have to wait for his reply. I think I’ll be out and leave key under the mat.

Not doing very well at this, am I?!

A practical thing doesn’t mean you have to be dragged back. Key under mat, don’t get drawn into more. All fine.

He’s read but not replied, he’s likely working. It’s stressed me though.

I know he’s surprised I’m being like this. He thought he could start seeing his new woman and keep me as a close friend. Well no.

I am SO looking forward to feeling better.

So he hasn’t responded. The thing can’t be left outside his house because it belonged to the person he is grieving. I need it out of my house by the time I go on holiday on Friday so I can move on. I guess he’s got a while longer before I have to chase for an answer. Sigh. I just want him out of my head

I messaged him in the end, probably shouldn’t have. I know he’s read it and been available to reply for ages.

“I need a response please. The X needs to be back where it belongs before I go on holiday so by end Thursday. Obviously I don’t want to leave it outside your house because it’s super important.

Great for you that you’ve moved on - you need to give me a chance to also.”

Anyone up?