MIL never talks about proper things- just gossip and rubbish. Is this a thing?!

[Napqueen1234]

I’ve never met anyone like my MIL for chatting rubbish. I’ve met gossipers, people who talk about themselves constantly. But she almost talks about nothing. Case in point- today met for a walk in the park. My DH has just taken on a few new big jobs, DC1 about to start preschool and finishing nursery, DC2 6 months and changing every day. This week we had to isolate due to covid risk and go to A&E (she vaguely knew about these things). She asked nothing about any of them- instead talked for 40 minutes about a random friends caravan (no idea who they are) and her partners daughter. She loves seeing the DC but never texts to ask about them etc (I end up sending updates and pics as I feel we ought to keep her in the loop). It’s not like she’s selfish as she doesn’t talk about her, for reference she doesn’t do much has had the same job 30 years, doesn’t really socialise or have hobbies.

Would you do or say something? Sometimes I feel like interrupting her stories with ‘who the hell are these people I have absolutely no interest in can we talk about something else?!’. If I try to start conversations she just doesn’t engage and changes the subject back to something incredibly boring and unimportant. Does anyone else know anyone that does this?!

Uncle Colm.
Derry girls.

What gets my goat is there’s never a mention of her own grandchildren. Nothing. Not how are they? What are they up to? It could be 18 months since she has set eyes on them!

I would say it’s like they belong to somebody else..but my mother is only interested in somebody else!

I even know all the seagull in the bloody gardens business.

Some people get like this with age when their world narrows but I worked with someone in her 20s who was like this. She used to talk incessantly about dogs, horses and other people who I didn't know. Other people's eyes would glaze over, you would have to walk away to escape it.

I have this as well and especially about dreams! Now, if I have a particularly memorable dream I’ll tell my husband in a quick minute summary (prob happens once a month/every two months) but my mum will tell me most times I speak with her. Every detail before launching into neighbours, hairdressers etc. It’s actually very irritating when you’ve worked all day and looked after your children to listen to it. It feels like she doesn’t care.

My df is 89 and complains because every morning his db who is 85 rings him and talks 'rubbish' for exactly 59 minutes.

Amusingly my df has been known to fall asleep whilst my uncle is chatting away.

My MIL won't let anyone talk about anything really...youll be having a conversation with someone else and she'll butt in with a big loud "oh well!" and just stop the conversation in its tracks. It's so frustrating!!

My Nana used to tell me very long winded stories about people I'd never met "you know, Sarah's aunties dog walkers next door neighbour". After one visit where my sister was with me she said she couldn't believe I knew what Nana was going on about. Oh don't worry I don't - I've just found the stories are a lot faster if I say I know who she means and avoid the long explanation haha.

My mum has been this way as long as I can remember. She has a terrible memory so the worst thing is when I have my own stories relayed back to me but with added embellishments that she's made up because she couldn't remember the real thing, then refuses to believe I'm the one who told her. I can't call her on everything as it's exhausting, she overwhelms me. Nowadays I just sit through the monologue smiling and nodding.

Recently I noticed an unpleasant new angle to this. I'd said to her something like 'please don't go to all that trouble' as she did a little lunch for her sisters birthday and wanted to do the same for my DH. I had to hear about every little detail about this lunch, it consumed her for weeks in advance, and it was clearly stressing her out. For weeks and weeks I had to hear about the plans over and over and she wouldn't accept she's already told me. After the actual birthday I got every little bit reported, from her waking up on the morning to what aisles she went down to find the right sandwich filler. On and on it went, day after day. I wanted to save her the stress of doing it again for my DH who doesn't care about his birthday and would be working anyway! But me saying 'oh no it's ok thanks, don't go to any trouble' got translated into 'You said to me "no we don't want any of that shit" so I'm not doing your DH lunch now'. She'd forgotten what I said in my polite refusal and somehow twisted into me saying something really nasty to her. It made me wonder what she's saying about me when she's rambling on to everyone else, I must come across as such a bitch.

Yep another one over here with the same MIL. She's never worked & lives in a very small world. Absolutely obsessed with the minutiae of other peoples lives. She's also obsessed with what's happening over in America with corona virus but hasn't got a clue what's happening over here. She also has some very strange views on things too. I feel like I'm constantly disagreeing with her!

There is a sad side to this, isn’t there? My mum would have a range of tales she told about the past and they’d all emerge every time I saw her. I think I could have announced I was getting divorced, moving to Inner Mongolia or had murdered the milkman and she’d have carried on with what happened to her in 1956. All her tales were about how people had treated her badly, which was wearing and guilt-inducing as I could do nothing about it. She didn’t get like it in later life, she always had a tendency to be that way which just became amplified. I’m afraid I used to put my phone on loudspeaker and carry on with what I was doing when we spoke, as the odd ‘ooh’ ‘hmm’ or ‘yes’ sufficed for my end of the conversation. I felt we’d really lost any meaningful relationship towards the end of her life and, much as I loved her, it was easier for me to detach a bit!

@IseeIsee unfortunately mine can be pretty critical as well. She's the sort that thinks women belong in the kitchen & should be slaves to their husbands & children. She's constantly criticising & commenting on my lifestyle choices.

Can confirm that not all older women are like this! Have to disagree with PP who said it was ‘coming for us all...’

Seems like many of these women never got the chance to fulfil their potential and have to expend their mental energy thinking endlessly about other people’s lives

The trouble is, that these people are looking for connection. And aren’t getting it in a meaningful way. So eg the redundancy example, if they didn’t immediately switch the conversation to talking about someone else, they could actually listen and understand how a redundancy might after they’re daughter or DIL. Maybe it’s some kind of defense mechanism every time they get too close to an emotional subject.

My mum tells me the same stories over and over. What I now do when she says "did I tell you about X?" is say yes you did then tell her the story.
It is slowly changing her behaviour because now more often I don't get much beyond the first sentence of the story before she changes the subject.

You could try the same.

Also, I don’t think finding other people’s lives interesting is a bad thing. Or unimportant. That’s what MN is! It’s more than when that gets in the way of a real connection with a person sat in front of you that it’s a problem.

I find this terrifying, particularly those of you who say your mothers didn't used to be like this but now are. I would hate to become like this. How do people stop themselves becoming like this? I shall continue to keep up with films, music, current affairs and write myself notes to remind myself to ask my daughters about themselves and listen actively.

Also, I don't believe it is harmless. If you don't take interest in your children and grandchildren's lives or listen to them when they try to talk, then your conversation is selfish and one way.

God yes! We've just had a baby and all she can talk about is what she did at the supermarket the other day, the monologue is horrendous! DH is aware of this too and we just sit quietly and let her talk. The detail is mundane and at times I wonder if she might have ADHD as she interrupts us when we are answering a question she asks us and she admits she never really listens to what people say.

Perhaps they are bored?

I see it in myself when my eldest daughter is round. I love her to bits, she is a wonderful person and really, truly cares about others - but she only ever wants to talk about what we used to call "right on" stuff. BLM, gay marriage, trans, women's rights in the workplace etc... I could understand the fervour when she was a teen finding her way in life, wanting our opinions, working out her own feelings. But now, she has hammered on for 10 years about the same thing - and we have the same views as she does, so it is not arguing, just us nodding and agreeing - it is like she feels all conversation has to be important or worthy.

I change the subject, she probably thinks I am rude, I probably am - must try talking about Aunty Doris's cat and that time it coughed up a fur ball right under the dining table...

Can agree with PP about redundancy.
I dropped that into a convo with my Mum lately.
It was brushed aside so she could tell me about some drama or about the neighbours.

Haha, this is funny and so familiar. Not mother in law but another family member. I agree with others, I doubt she will change. Just nod along and zone out 🤣

She's boring so shoot her! There are worse crimes

@GlummyMcGlummerson you've just reminded me of an average convo with DM.
Me. Mentions going to place in town, with her. (DM lives about 150 miles away, hasn't driven for about 20 yrs)
DM. Where's that then? I used to give a detailed account of how to get there. It's meaningless to my mother, she's just making convo.
Me. (Current answer) It's off the D road. Disclaimer, this is true, and saves wear and tear on my bonce, everywhere is just off the D road round these parts.
DM In hearing anyone's name mentioned. Whose than then? Where does she work?
DM Having been given an explanation. "Is she fat"

Reader, my DM is obsessed with people being fat. I am fat, so you can imagined how impressed I am by this obsession....

MIL would talk constantly about every tragic story she’d read in Take A Break.

Thankfully my MIL isn't like this. She has so much to say, on a lot of different topics. She lived abroad for 40 years and reads, writes, thinks etc.

My mother is the one for mindless chatter. I dread going the same way. I think it's a question of resisting the temptation to give up and "close in" when you reach a certain age.

Can I point out that the OP’s MIL isn’t even 50?

I knew a couple like this. One memorable day they had a drive to a beach that had puffins. I was treated to a description and backstory of each puffin.

I now hate puffins.

I understand that these things are important in their lives and that yes getting old you might forget you have told a particular story it’s not that so much that bothers me. As ppl have said I’m happy to listen to stuff not relevant to me and pay attention and be polite but when do people loose or choose to loose the reciprocal point of conversation? My MIL is a lovely lady but rarely do I get to speak about my life and I would love an ear and support sometimes.
One example is visiting at the end of lockdown to sit in the garden. I’ve been working throughout in a nursing home very hard and DH also working with the DD’s trying to homeschool themselves. She banged on about how it’s been the most stressful time of her life ever (she’s retired).
Not one bit of interest in how it was for me or her son or the children.
I would have loved a bit of interest and sympathy in the end I come away thinking it’s just rude.
My DM could chat about crap People I don’t know but also listen to my crap and offer advice or ask how the children were feeling with XYZ etc so it balances out.
I don’t think it’s old age my MIL has been like it since 50.

It's not necessarily old age! My mum does this about telly programmes. I don't watch much telly and will say "no, I haven't seen it" and be treated to an extensive and detailed description of everything that occurred in that series. Sometimes it's about other people but I get my revenge by deliberately wittering about people at work . However, lockdown has been much less eventful than regular life so there isn't much to talk about anyway!