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Original poster

Adult dc who live at home contributing financially?

114 replies

Yankathebear · 31/07/2020 20:28

If you have adult dc that live at home do they contribute financially?
Dh and I have always disagreed about this (I’ve always said no) but I’m tempted to ask for a contribution towards food at least.

This is following my Dd (21) reminding me that I owe her money for some bits she picked up for dinner a few weeks ago (under £20) I would usually have given her the money but it slipped my mind.
When she said about it tonight I did laugh! I asked why the food shopping was my task?(DH is just as bad on this bit, I think they think the food just appears. He cooks so I don’t mind). She has never been asked to pay a penny towards food or bills. She only has to pay for her phone and car. She works.

I did give it to her btw but it’s got me thinking!

OP posts:
EatsShootsAndRuns · 01/08/2020 13:05

@CodenameVillanelle yep. I thought my mother was joking until she served up dinner for everyone but me as I hadn't paid.

I earned £8.85 a Saturday and she took £2. Sad

wendywoopywoo222 · 01/08/2020 13:14

I think it's important once they are in work to pay their way. My two stepchildren work full time and pay 250 a month each. The rest of their money they blow on computer games and takeaways as they are too lazy to cook and often moan that they pay too much and it would be cheaper to live elsewhere.

I have no idea how they will cope when they can't live with dad anymore.

Redraptor · 01/08/2020 13:20

@EatsShootsAndRuns I had to run a car so I could get to uni

My resentment came from the fact that none of my friends had to pay board or do half the house work I did. At 19 i hardly had a life because I was working at uni or being expected to do housework including things like cleaning my parents cars out. I felt resentment because my friends would be out parting on a friday while i did the huge pile of ironing which was largely my other family members. If i can give my daughters an easier life in anyway I will

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whysotriggered · 01/08/2020 13:24

My parents didn't charge me board or take money for food when I lived at home. Instead, I contributed by paying all the utility bills and doing my share of the housework.

AristotleAteMyHamster · 01/08/2020 13:26

I didn’t pay board, but agreed with my parents that I would save half my salary for a future house deposit.

I sorted out my own food and reimbursed my parents for anything they bought for me in the weekly shop.

Floralnomad · 01/08/2020 14:03

I know it might feel uncomfortable to charge your children rent, but by not doing so you're preventing them from becoming indepndent adults, and it is the parents' resonsiblity to help their kids become independent and eventually fly the nest
What a load of rubbish , if you’ve bought your children up properly and taught them about budgeting etc people are perfectly capable of not being charged by their parents and then getting their own place . I’m early 50s and we are debt/ mortgage free , I never paid rent to my parents and I’ve always managed our family finances .

saraclara · 01/08/2020 14:19

Mine paid their proportion of food and costs. I wanted them to get used to the idea that their income wasn't all disposable, and I didn't want them to get used to having a level of spending that wasn't going to be feasible later.

But I saved all their 'rent' and gave it back to them at a point when it was needed. So for instance when my eldest wanted to buy her first home, it helped with the deposit.

Sarzy82 · 01/08/2020 14:33

My parents didn't charge me and I wouldn't charge my kids if I had any either. You can learn how to budget and become independent without having to pay your parents rent.

Moonfig · 01/08/2020 14:33

My parents "charged" me a small amount for food etc when I lived with them. When I bought a flat it turned out they'd saved it for me and gave me it back.

If you don't need the money I think this is a lovely solution. She should be contributing and she is a CF over the 20 quid.

Mabelface · 01/08/2020 14:36

Mine have to pay board or we'd not have enough to live on. When they moved back home, I told them this was a house share and they're responsible for themselves. I work full time, dd part time and ds isn't working right now, so also expect them to do the bulk of the housework.

Original poster
Yankathebear · 01/08/2020 14:53

@BitOfFun

You say that you're scared she'll move in with her dad (and lets face it, if he's a soft touch like you, she can always hold that over you!), but at her age isn't it more likely she will want to move in with a boyfriend? What will you do then- offer to put him up for free too?

You are teaching her absolutely nothing about the realities of life- frankly, she'd probably be a nightmare as a partner or even flatmate, given that she has no idea of budgeting or financial responsibility. Don't you want people to like being around her?

I'm sure she's perfectly delightful in her role as your daughter, and is great company for you, but don't you want her to enjoy the independence of her twenties, to have adventures, to simply grow as a person?

At the moment, neither of you are doing each other any favours.

What would happen if you sat her down to discuss your family finances? Are you frightened that she will lose her temper and flounce off? Not love you any more? I think this episode with the twenty quid should act as a bit of a prompt for you to really consider where you want to go from here. What about your independence too? She can't be your baby forever; what's next in your life?

@BitOfFun thank you. I think this is the kick up the bum that I need. I want her to be out, enjoying her twenties. I’ve suggested moving for work because I know she will enjoy it but you are absolutely right. I will talk to her tomorrow.
OP posts:
Original poster
Yankathebear · 01/08/2020 14:56

@CodenameVillanelle

Congratulations, you've raised an entitled brat. You must be so proud! Probably too late to fix it now Hmm
Which bit of me asking for advice made you so angry towards me?
OP posts:
BitOfFun · 01/08/2020 14:56

I hope it was just a gentle kick- I wish you the very best of luck with it all Flowers!

Original poster
Yankathebear · 01/08/2020 14:59

@BitOfFun a lovely, very kind kick. Thank you.

OP posts:
Snog · 01/08/2020 15:29

In our house £100 a month is to cover all food and electricity. We don't charge anything extra for "rent" as we would have the same house regardless.

Grottyfeet · 01/08/2020 15:37

This always seems to bring out some strong feelings on MN. Some are horrified at the idea of "charging your own DC rent", others find it odd that they wouldn't contribute.

My DC (17 & 19yo) both pay £50 per week. It is by no means rent (they're welcome to try and find a room for that!) but a contribution for food and towards the very lengthy showers they have!

They've both paid from when they first left school and worked FT, if not then, when is the right time to start? 18,21,30?

A friend has her 4 adult children and 2 of their partners living with them. None of them contribute anything, treat the house like a hotel, her like a maid and she can't get them to leave. Now, throwing out "your own children" must be very tough so best not to let that kind of situation develop.

People don't appreciate things they don't pay for.

Timeforredwine · 01/08/2020 16:47

I would say its dependant on circumstances of your children and yourselves. Benefits now they have changed are individual and therefore if a parent is on benefit and so is a child neither impacts the other as every individual is entitled to claim in their own right now. So what someone else gets doesnt affect anyone else. Just pointing this out as earlier in thread it was mentioned. My personal opinion is to contribute something if working just as a token payment if that is all you really need. It's hard enough when they have to do this all for themselves so a little help doesnt hurt.

brastrapbroken · 01/08/2020 17:14

I always paid board. My parents demanded it even out of my Saturday job I had when I was 13.

I don't know if your first sentence is suggestive that you think board should be paid, but if your opinion is based on your experience it's probably wrong.

DoTheNextRightThing · 01/08/2020 17:26

My mum was a single parent with one income. She couldn't afford to keep me if I didn’t contribute. So I did.

Toomboom · 01/08/2020 17:34

My adult son still lives at home and he pays 1/3rd of his wages to the household. If they are adults and earning then they should be paying something towards the household. My son has more than enough money left to do whatever he wants with it.
It doesn't matter if they are your child, they are now adults. It would be like me going to live with my parents and not contributing because I am their child. I wouldn't dream of doing it.
I had to pay a percentage of my earnings from my wages when I lived and home and totally accepted that as being part of being a grown up.

SuperficialSuzie · 01/08/2020 17:53

I'm a single parent on a low income and rent a three bedroom house as I have two children.

Eldest is 21, working full time, has a company vehicle and earns more than me. If he were not living here I could rent a two bedroom house for me and (school age) daughter.

I think it is only fair that he contribute towards what I pay for him to live here - I can't understand why anyone would think that that is wrong and I fervently hope that DS doesn't resent paying towards his living expenses.

CherryPavlova · 01/08/2020 18:09

I know it might feel uncomfortable to charge your children rent, but by not doing so you're preventing them from becoming indepndent adults, and it is the parents' resonsiblity to help their kids become independent and eventually fly the nest

Mine managed to become independent adults just fine. I understand where money is tight and benefits reduced, it might be necessary to ask for contributions. I don’t understand how making the first steps into adulthood harder is in their best interest though. Surely parents want to smooth their children’s path, not trip them up.

brastrapbroken · 01/08/2020 18:33

Mine managed to become independent adults just fine. I understand where money is tight and benefits reduced, it might be necessary to ask for contributions. I don’t understand how making the first steps into adulthood harder is in their best interest though. Surely parents want to smooth their children’s path, not trip them up.

God this. 100% this.

I always laugh a bit at the posters who suggest charging their kids board and saving it for them when they move out as some sort of step towards independence. True independence would be saving it themselves.

madmumofteens · 01/08/2020 19:27

I took £50 a week once my daughter got a job (god did she moan about it lol) I have banked it and will give it back when she gets a flat

ANutAsBigAsABoulder · 01/08/2020 19:40

Once I started work in the late 90s, I paid £175 from my £13k salary, that included board, bills, food and occasional lifts to the pub. I was expected to help with housework and cook dinner for everyone at least once a week too. I thought that was fair. It was way cheaper than living in a grotty house share.

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