Adult dc who live at home contributing financially?

[Yankathebear]

If you have adult dc that live at home do they contribute financially?
Dh and I have always disagreed about this (I’ve always said no) but I’m tempted to ask for a contribution towards food at least.

This is following my Dd (21) reminding me that I owe her money for some bits she picked up for dinner a few weeks ago (under £20) I would usually have given her the money but it slipped my mind.
When she said about it tonight I did laugh! I asked why the food shopping was my task?(DH is just as bad on this bit, I think they think the food just appears. He cooks so I don’t mind). She has never been asked to pay a penny towards food or bills. She only has to pay for her phone and car. She works.

I did give it to her btw but it’s got me thinking!

I would only expect rent if my child wasn't at uni and wasn t actively looking for a job.

@OneKeyAtATime

I would only expect rent if my child wasn't at uni and wasn t actively looking for a job.

Surely there could only pay if they had a job

My son pays £150 per month, has a minimum wage but has still managed to save almost £9000 this year. He is an absolute skinflint though. If my daughter lived at home I would feel the need to have set the cost much higher as she would save nothing and spend the rest and more.

@user1497787065

My son pays £150 per month, has a minimum wage but has still managed to save almost £9000 this year. He is an absolute skinflint though. If my daughter lived at home I would feel the need to have set the cost much higher as she would save nothing and spend the rest and more.

Charging board money as a method of control? Why on earth would you make a difference based on her own spending habits?

No. Never expected any contribution and never will. If they’re living at home, it’s because they’ve been waiting to start a proper job and need to save to start out or because it’s holidays from university.

Currently have one at home as her grad scheme is deferred until January. She’s just been offered a graduate headhunters job quite locally to tide her over but we won’t expect any money. She’ll be saving to move to London in January.

If she happens to pop into a shop for a few bits and pieces, she’d not expect money back but then we pay her for some administrative work she does for us.

Not really a specific comment on this situation but this come up in here quite a lot, so a general thought... I wonder if this is a bit of a class thing? More privlidged people seem to recognise that if they can afford it it is better to let dc save money towards a home, work less while studying, travel, volunteer or just have general savings. Where as it seems to me people from more working class backgrounds who could now afford to have their adult children living at home without a contribution ask for one just because they paid board growing up. Without recognising the benefits it can bring their children not having to financially contribute.

Also a lot of these comments seem to completely ignore the massive generational inequalities in ability to get steady work, a free education and buy a house. Obviously this is particularly acute now in the covid crisis. But this has been an issue for many years.

You're not doing her any favours - just teaching her that the world owes her a living. As shown by the fact that she had the cheek to ask for £20 for the shopping when she should have been offering to do the shopping! If she's working she should at least cover her share of groceries, and really something towards bills.
At the moment, my youngest son (19) is not working and has now spent all his savings(!) but when he was working, he paid £200pm ( which was about 20% of his wages). His older brother also pays £200 but in non-Covid times also has to factor in almost £200pm fares. I reckon ( and they agree) that the £200 only just covers the cost of food and contribution towards bills, and they think that is a fair amount.
Does she help with housework and maintenance/admin? because that is something else I'd expect adults to do.

I paid between 100 and 250 monthly depending on how much I was earning at the time. I think she was very bloody cheeky considering you're putting a roof over her head. You are her parents but that's not the point. And I'm only a little bit older than your daughter as well.

What is she doing with the rest of her wages? Is she saving some or squandering it? If you can afford it I'd ask for a contribution because she needs to know nothing in life is free as an adult. But I'd also expect her to accrue savings as a buffer for car expenses or whatever. I paid board because I worked vs continued education and that was my mums deal. DC/& their partner paid top up towards the additional council tax/utilities, and bought their own food till they moved out. I think it's finding the happy medium between being fair and teaching life skills.

Oh and buying their own food related to mostly takeaways, if they fancied steak for dinner, fancy biscuits, cake. I didn't quibble over basic staples like bread, milk, beans, or say I'd cooked a spag bol I'd make enough for all. But I didn't pay for their 'work bait' as over a month it'd mount up to a lot. They still had way more disposable income than residing in their own property as they do now.

My friends parents charged her board when she was home in the university holidays which I think is really low.

In this situation I don't think paying board would be bad though. I lived with my parents for 9 months after uni, unemployed for three months then in a decent starter job. They didn't charge me board but I wish they had and saved it for me. They could have given it back later when it would have been really helpful as they didn't need the cash and I really would have appreciated both the lesson and the opportunity.

As soon as. I left school I was expected to contribute. I went on to uni, I was still expected to contribute. It wasn’t the same amount as if I was working but just a token gesture to pay my way. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect adult children to pay their way at home, especially when working. I’d never have asked for the money back from my mum had I bought dinner stuff, I’d never have dared.

I am said adult DC and yes. Since I graduated and entered work I've been paying my share of all bills including groceries. Conversely others in the family contribute towards car expenses, since I'm the only driver and am often giving lifts.

When I was a student home in the holidays I wasn't significantly contributing. My student finance barely covered my term-time expenses and I only found a job in one of the summers.

You say that you're scared she'll move in with her dad (and lets face it, if he's a soft touch like you, she can always hold that over you!), but at her age isn't it more likely she will want to move in with a boyfriend? What will you do then- offer to put him up for free too?

You are teaching her absolutely nothing about the realities of life- frankly, she'd probably be a nightmare as a partner or even flatmate, given that she has no idea of budgeting or financial responsibility. Don't you want people to like being around her?

I'm sure she's perfectly delightful in her role as your daughter, and is great company for you, but don't you want her to enjoy the independence of her twenties, to have adventures, to simply grow as a person?

At the moment, neither of you are doing each other any favours.

What would happen if you sat her down to discuss your family finances? Are you frightened that she will lose her temper and flounce off? Not love you any more? I think this episode with the twenty quid should act as a bit of a prompt for you to really consider where you want to go from here. What about your independence too? She can't be your baby forever; what's next in your life?

Your DD sounds like she might be in danger of becoming like my brother was growing up. He was so tight with money he would sit in a cafe with his calculator working out his exact share of the bill etc. Now he's a middle aged man with lots of money but no friends. He's mean. It's not a nice trait.
How i turned out to be relatively normal is a mystery!

I don’t think your daughter was purposely being rude or mean spirited. If she’s never been taught to pay her way or chip in with money, it’s not going to just randomly occur to her. It’s similar to teens who have never been made to do chores and then their parents are confused why they don’t help out.

It would be good to sit down and have a chat with your daughter about it. After uni, I lived at home and paid a monthly fee to my mum, which covered rent, bills, food etc. I wanted to pay my way because things could be tight and it didn’t seem fair that I was working full time and could keep my entire wage to spend on clothes and holidays, whilst my mum had to spend hers on us.

I didn't pay board but I did lots of household chores, bought food and cooked for everyone quite often. I worked a poorly paid job. My brother paid board (£200 per month) but did absolutely nothing and mum still bought him clothes etc. He worked a very well paid job. Earned twice what my mum did.

That is ridiculous!

Yes they should contribute. If you dont need the money put it in a account and give it back when they move out so they can buy their first home essentials.

My reply is a bit late but I resented it because...

My parents could afford to not charge me board. I paid for my car, phone etc aswell which I rightly should have. I also did a lot of housework and was at uni 3 days a week so it was hard trying to work, do uni and have some sort of life.

As mentioned earlier my dh was able to save a lot of money for us to move in together and I wasnt able to contribute as much. Personally I don't think it had any baring on my ability to live in the real world and not paying board didnt affect his ability in the real world either

If I can afford not to theres no way I'd charge them and if they are big spenders and not good with money I'd charge them and put it into a savings account for them

By them I mean my daughters

Congratulations, you've raised an entitled brat. You must be so proud!
Probably too late to fix it now

I always paid board. My parents demanded it even out of my Saturday job I had when I was 13.

@EatsShootsAndRuns

I always paid board. My parents demanded it even out of my Saturday job I had when I was 13.

That's going a bit far! My parents stopped paying pocket money or new clothes etc when I got a job but I didn't earn enough to pay them board!

My parents could afford to not charge me board. I paid for my car, phone etc aswell which I rightly should have. I also did a lot of housework and was at uni 3 days a week so it was hard trying to work, do uni and have some sort of life

So? You lived there, household tasks should be shared, why would you think someone else should pick up the tab just because they could afford to? You could also afford to pay if you were able to run a car despite being at uni and doing all this housework!