I don't think anyone will be able to change my mind on this.. mums love VS dads love

[footballinterferingagain]

I honestly don't see how a dad can feel the same about a child as a mum..

You carry that child for 9 months, push them out, breast feed them, spend 24 hrs a day with them..

How can a dad possibly feel the same intensity of love for a child

(I know there are exceptions to the above and not all mums bond/ breastfeeding/ stay at home etc etc, I just mean generally) and also, my kids do have a loving dad.

Does anyone agree with me, or am I alone?

This is complete rubbish. Of course dads loves their kids as much as mums do.
What is the OP's agenda here?

@Jellycatspyjamas

Bio parents V adopted parents is a different thread

The OP said maternal love was superior because of the experience of pregnancy, birth, nursing etc. The experiences of fathers, non-bio mums, adoptive parents are all relevant because they all have something to offer counter to the OPs assertion about maternal love.

Unless you’re saying that families formed by anything other than a woman giving birth are less than or abnormal?

No I’m not saying that at all. But this thread was about bio mothers and bio fathers.

You’ve took great offensive at this thread because you feel it diminishes what you feel about your adopted. It shouldn’t because this thread isn’t actually about you. It’s about bio parents which is entirely different.

You can raise a step child from birth and love it unconditionally- but you still know you didn’t create that child. Bio parents do. And that’s what the thread is about

The fact that 90% of single parents are mothers is not solely down to patriarchal societal expectations

It's not solely down to biology either ......

I agree it's a combination of things but I'm just not sure biology features very low on the list

It’s not unreasonable to think that the mother has a unique relationship with her new child.

I work with families where that “unique” relationship is such that the children are neglected and abused, I know many people who have utterly dysfunctional relationships with their mum. If it was down to biology (the DNA, brain changes, body changes) that uniquely loving relationship would be much more consistent than it is. Many mums don’t love their children, many more don’t care for their children - if it was predetermined as a matter of biology that mums nurture and care for their children there would be fewer instances of that relationship breaking down.

Well, my husband loved our adopted children more that their selfish narcissistic birth mother, so do I. She’s my sister, so I know she’s a selfish, cruel fucker. Yes, being a mother, for many women, gives them a sense of love for another human, that they never had before, but some parents are horrible.

I foster. I have two babies with me at the moment and I love them as much as I love my birth children. I have to in order to teach them it is ok to trust and love an adult.

You’ve took great offensive at this thread because you feel it diminishes what you feel about your adopted. It shouldn’t because this thread isn’t actually about you. It’s about bio parents which is entirely different.

You can raise a step child from birth and love it unconditionally- but you still know you didn’t create that child. Bio parents do. And that’s what the thread is about

You seem to have comprehension difficulties. The OP couched maternal love in terms of biological processes. Other posters have merely pointed out that maternal love is not necessarily rooted in biology.

Of course not. What an arrogant and nasty view.

Love is complicated - especially if you have PND, no support when baby is a newborn or are in a crappy situation when baby is born.

So many women have PND. They go through the motions of caring- feeding, changing, cuddling... but they don't feel automatic love until months (even years) later. Your theory that carrying a child= deep love that nobody can ever match is nasty.

Lots of women struggle to breastfeed or have Caesarians and those things don't mean that they love their child any less. With breastfeeding mums, there will be some who are doing it because of pressure rather than loving breastfeeding.

As someone who suffered PND, feeding was not showing love. It was about doing what I had to because I was responsible got a baby and lack of love didn't absolve me of that requirement.

Dad love can be different to mum love. They might not be able to give birth but they can do stuff that mums do - cuddles when the child has a nightmare, sit and play, make children feel special and loved...

Your opinion is shared by many though. They see a Dad losing contact with their child as a shame but mums who do the same as seen as despicable. I'm divorced and the level that Dads have to achieve to be a good Dad is depressingly low. My ex is seen as good as we've never argued over money and he's seen the kids regularly since we split (averages 1 day a week over the year?)

You’ve took great offensive at this thread because you feel it diminishes what you feel about your adopted. It shouldn’t because this thread isn’t actually about you. It’s about bio parents which is entirely different.

I’ve not taken great offence, I’m amazed that this bullshit still prevails. The OP was saying the mother loves more because she gave birth, bio dads aren’t the only people who don’t birth their children. The OP has dismissed folks contrary experiences as being the exception - when there are so many exceptions to her ideal situation they stop being exceptions.

Well, I definitely didn't grow and give birth to my cat but I love my little furry boy as much as I love the kids!!!! #justsaying

bloodywhite Hope you don't mind me asking. This is precisely why I wouldn't be able to foster. How on earth do you hand them back over to what could be less than ideal family situations?!

The only lady I know who fostered ended up adopting her first foster kid!

YANBU I do agree. Nothing is comparable to the love of a mother whether that’s an adoptive mother or biological mother.

It's just your opinion, which means nothing. You're not a dad, so you can't say for sure can you?

What a stupid thread

If you’re not a father @Shouldbedancingyeah how would you know?

I completely disagree. In my experience we both love our child with the same intensity. And I felt loved by my parents the same.
Both and I my OH would do anything for our son. Both my parents I feel would equally die to save myself or my brother.

I am not sure what you are talking about...

@Jellycatspyjamas

It’s not unreasonable to think that the mother has a unique relationship with her new child.

I work with families where that “unique” relationship is such that the children are neglected and abused, I know many people who have utterly dysfunctional relationships with their mum. If it was down to biology (the DNA, brain changes, body changes) that uniquely loving relationship would be much more consistent than it is. Many mums don’t love their children, many more don’t care for their children - if it was predetermined as a matter of biology that mums nurture and care for their children there would be fewer instances of that relationship breaking down.

But the few families that you work with are not a true representation of the entire world. Im sorry but they are not. They are in the minority.

I have a SW friend. I know full well the types of families she helps but once again they are the minority of society. I also have a friend who fosters and again these children’s families are in the minority of society.

Why does it bother you so much that bio mothers can and do have unique relationships with their children?

I've always felt my dad loves me more than my mum does. Since I was a child and i'n 52 now.

the OP couched maternal love in terms of biological processes. Other posters have merely pointed out that maternal love is not necessarily rooted in biology.

Exactly. And as @Jellycatspyjamas points out, to categorise love as superior when it's biological, comes through traditional, essentially heteronormative family dynamics, is certainly unhelpful and socially prejudiced against adoptive families or gay couples, and at a stretch rather ableist towards those of us who are unable to birth and care for our children the "normal" way (which you are implying is the best way).

@JamesTKirkcompatible

the OP couched maternal love in terms of biological processes. Other posters have merely pointed out that maternal love is not necessarily rooted in biology.

Exactly. And as @Jellycatspyjamas points out, to categorise love as superior when it's biological, comes through traditional, essentially heteronormative family dynamics, is certainly unhelpful and socially prejudiced against adoptive families or gay couples, and at a stretch rather ableist towards those of us who are unable to birth and care for our children the "normal" way (which you are implying is the best way).

So on that reasoning that some non bio parents may feel upset we are not allowed acknowledge the integral relationship a bio mother has with her children. Bio mothers been reduced just breeders - ok.

No one on this thread has said that adoptive parents cannot not love their children completely. Step parents can love their children completely. People are capable of huge amounts of love for other people.

But it’s not fair to diminish the connection between a new mother and baby just to appease other people.

It’s all just rather pointless isn’t it? Everyone’s relationship is unique. We can each assert that we have a unique and special relationship with our children that no one else has or can truly understand or experience, and without being able to peer inside each other’s heads you can’t really dispute that.

Your relationship with your child/children is your relationship, it is special because it is yours, just enjoy it rather than try to compare it with everyone else!

Why does it bother you so much that bio mothers can and do have unique relationships with their children?

Why does it bother you so much that bio fathers, step parents, adoptive parents, foster carers and extended family can and do have unique relationships with their children?

But it’s not fair to diminish the connection between a new mother and baby just to appease other people.

What you’re unable to hear is that for many people, for many reasons, that connection just doesn’t happen. It’s patently untrue for say that all biological mothers love their children more than parents who didn’t give birth.

@ Codexdivinchi couldn’t agree with you more!!

You have given a list of reasons as to why you think mothers must love their children best, most of which are biological things that are impossible for an adoptive mother to do.

You’ve then said that adopted parents are an exception, and that it doesn’t matter that they can’t/didn’t do those things.

So surely it doesn’t matter that fathers can’t do them either?