I don't think anyone will be able to change my mind on this.. mums love VS dads love

[footballinterferingagain]

I honestly don't see how a dad can feel the same about a child as a mum..

You carry that child for 9 months, push them out, breast feed them, spend 24 hrs a day with them..

How can a dad possibly feel the same intensity of love for a child

(I know there are exceptions to the above and not all mums bond/ breastfeeding/ stay at home etc etc, I just mean generally) and also, my kids do have a loving dad.

Does anyone agree with me, or am I alone?

I think parenting very young babies probably comes more instinctively to mothers. And in cases of absent parents, it's usually the father missing. But if a child has two good present parents I don't think it's fair to say that the mother would love it more than the father.

I completely disagree with you.
How ridiculous

I think there must be something different - how many men do you know who’ve walked away from their children? And how many women who’ve walked away from theirs?

It may be mother’s guilt and societal expectations that prevent mothers from walking away, but I suspect it’s far more complex than that.

My DH loves our twins at least as much as I do. I believe that if we separated he would want at least 50% custody and we discussed many times before we had kids that our relationship had to be as secure as possible because he couldn’t bear the idea of not being with his children all the time.

I think there are a lot of factors but it would be naive to think that there isn’t a difference in relationship between mothers and fathers and their children when our experiences of having children are so different.

I think at the start that rush of hormones a woman gets is beyond replication and cannot be felt by the dad. It's pure bliss and love, beyond explanation.

Not for everyone. I envy mothers who’ve had this, I didn’t experience anything like that, but I had no labour, a traumatic emergency c section and both twins in NICU.

Interesting.

In the world you’re inhabiting the dad pays for every scrap of food the child ever eats. Every item of clothing. Shelter. Toys.

That’s quite intense love too, isn’t it? Being entirely responsible for whether another human being eats?

Why would you post this?

Love isnt measurable really. But i do know lots of people that i really, really love that i havent given birth too - including adopted relatives.

I do however this than on average women invest more into producinv and raising child in the early years and on average men are more likely to stop seeing their child.Obviously lots of situations this isnt so.

Disagree. My DH intensely loves our DC and I am certain it is every bit as much as I do.

Yes I agree OP. That's why mothers shouldn't go back to work, and why fathers should make sure that their lives stay as normal as possible. Hey, maybe they can even spend more time at work because it doesn't matter if they're home because they don't love their kids as much. Oh, and if a mother does go back to work, then of course it should always be her who does the parenting outside of work, because how else will she fuel the intense love that the father possibly cannot share?

I disagree and find it quite insulting to dads to suggest it.

I disagree.

I didn't feel the rush of love when I gave birth. DH did, the moment he set eyes on DD.
I didn't bond very well. DH did, he was an adoring new dad.
I breastfed for a few weeks and then admitted failure.

None of that means I am a lesser loving parent to our DD.

Equally, I carried her for 9 months, I delivered her vaginally, I fed her for a couple of weeks, was with her 24/7 and met her every need as a baby.

That doesn't mean I am a more loving parent.

@footballinterferingagain

I am considering That I am wrong

There is a grain of truth in the somewhere. Obviously there are so many variables and different outcomes but our female brains change when we are pregnant. It’s really interesting. Evolution specifically designed us so that normally a new mother and her new baby would be completely attuned to each other to ensure that the baby survives.

I don’t know why talking about this causes so much offensive tbh it’s just biology.

I only need to watch my husband with our daughter for a few minutes to know he loves her just as much as I do.

I think that my husband was initially a bit less absorbed it than I was, so he had less connection with my daughter - when she was born he had a very busy job and didn't see her as much as he does now. And sometimes men struggle with newborns IME. However, his connection with her (particularly since WFH in lockdown) is at least as strong as mine now she is a toddler and he is an excellent parent - there are certainly some things that he worries about for her more than I do and some things he is much better at and that my DD looks to him for. He loves her fiercely and takes his turn patiently with night wakings etc - I obviously can't measure how much he loves her objectively, but I have absolutely no doubts that his love matches mine even where the expression of it is different.

My own dad has told me that, effectively, he likes my daughter more than he liked me at her age. I actually don't take this personally, although I could(!!), because I think that he puts in a lot more effort with my granddaughter because he has the time. We were a grind alongside a very full time job and my daughter isn't, so he has had more time to develop a bond and really notices the fun stuff and has the chance to do it.

To be honest, I think that some men are detached parents and immerse themselves in work etc at the expense of bonding with their family in a way that fewer women are, but that is partly about the structure and culture of the society we live in. It isn't inherent to being a father.

@StoneColdBitch

Similar situation here, *@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam*. I had an emergency Caesarean under general anaesthetic with one of my babies, and I didn't breastfeed either of my children for long. I also returned to work earlier than most women because I am a high earner and we couldn't afford to lose my income for long. By the logic of this thread I'm the worst mother ever In truth, my husband expresses his love differently, but I think he loves our children as much as I do. Maybe that's because we're both evil formula-feeders

This made me laugh, i too am a evil formula feeder , i also didnt push my girls out naturally, one was emergency c section, 2nd was planned c section. I also didnt feel rush of love straight away with both my girls

Alltneteabagshavegone - i think it causes offence because it can be manipulated to 'this is what women are for' and you end up being pushed not to return to a job you love and becoming economically dependant on your partner and your partner can claim he cant help with bottles and nappies because he's not attuned to the baby like you are! Thats a scary prospect for a lot of us.

Ridiculous OP.
Some mothers spend the whole pregnancy resenting being pregnant. Many mothers don't breastfeed. Some dads are crap, some do their best, some are incredible.
I love my dc with every fibre of my being, but so does their dad. He lives for them and would fall apart without them.

I would agree to a certain extent as my hubby didn't instantly bond with our dd & he found the early days incredibly hard but she's now 2 & there's no doubting we both love her unconditionally - he even says he doesn't understand what was going through his head back then!

@trixiebelden77

Interesting.

In the world you’re inhabiting the dad pays for every scrap of food the child ever eats. Every item of clothing. Shelter. Toys.

That’s quite intense love too, isn’t it? Being entirely responsible for whether another human being eats?

Well no as this could just be societal duty.

Sometimes I feel like we are in a race to try and prove that mothers are just not that important.

If men loved children equally why is it that the majority of men leave the children with their mother when they leave the family home? Why is it that normally mothers wouldn’t dream of leaving their children if they left?

I know my dh adores our children, he would give up his life for them in a heart beat and is a fantastic dad but I do think fathers and mothers love differently.

OK OP you win. You are the bestest most loving mother ever. Where should I send your medal?

Even when making you case you admit that there are exceptions so you point is really that "some mum's love their children more than some dads.'

@Morgan12

I somewhat agree. My uncle was the most devoted Dad ever, until the divorce, then he didn't bother his arse anymore and barely seen my cousins. This seems to happen all the time when couples seperate. So many men are able to walk away without a backward glance. You can't say the same for women. Of course it happens, but rarely.

This ☝🏼

It seems more commonplace for fathers of a separated family to easily see their children less and less without it affecting them emotionally.

When my exh and I first separated he was devastated that he wouldn't be seeing the children every day. I remember him breaking down in front of me. Fast forward to some years later and he has/sees them the bare minimum.

I couldn't even begin to imagine how I'd feel if I saw my children 4 nights per month!

In those instances I am of the opinion that fathers can emotionally attach themselves.

I do understand where you're coming from OP.

It's not a competition, or is it.

For the record, DH is an amazing father.

I would have disagreed before march. Now I've seen months of mothers sacrificing their peace of mind and ability to work to a much greater extent than the fathers have don't under lockdown I'm starting to think you may have a point.

@MinesAPintOfTea but isn't that a result societal expectation combined with earning disparity? Not love.

Exactly, @Ullupullu -- that's nothing to do with 'love', it's a combination of gendered socialisation and relative income disparity (not always, obviously, but as a general rule, alas).

To the posters that are awarding me my medal (lol) I am not claiming that Loving a child more/differently means you are a better parent