I don't think anyone will be able to change my mind on this.. mums love VS dads love

[footballinterferingagain]

I honestly don't see how a dad can feel the same about a child as a mum..

You carry that child for 9 months, push them out, breast feed them, spend 24 hrs a day with them..

How can a dad possibly feel the same intensity of love for a child

(I know there are exceptions to the above and not all mums bond/ breastfeeding/ stay at home etc etc, I just mean generally) and also, my kids do have a loving dad.

Does anyone agree with me, or am I alone?

I'm not silly, it's an opinion and I'm asking for other people's views.

I think at the start that rush of hormones a woman gets is beyond replication and cannot be felt by the dad. It's pure bliss and love, beyond explanation. However, once that wears off, I think anyone can love that child to the same degree. I see my DH with my DD and I know he loves her like I do. I think my mom even comes close to loving her like me and my sister. I dont think I get trumps because I birthed her. Love is endless. It cant be measured or compared, nor is it a competition.

What is the context of your question OP? Is there a custody dispute?

Isn't that quite offensive to adoptive mums?

@footballinterferingagain

I'm not silly, it's an opinion and I'm asking for other people's views.

But when even via your title you have no intention of changing your view then what was the point other than to cause trouble?

No, You are taking your own feelings and assuming the whole world is the same.

Firstly it's different in different families. Some women seem to be "natural mothers" and others don't - see the occasional anonymous thread on here from women saying they wish they'd never had kids, or the complaints about mothers who are disinterested or narcissistic. Some men are amazing, hands-on, besotted dads form day one.

But secondly - how old are your kids? Because different parents thrive in different stages of the child's development. You will go through patches when having carried them for 9 months, breast fed them and carried them 24 hours a day seems a long time ago - and no compensation for the realities of living with a stroppy teen! Which is not to say you don't love them, but the rose coloured glasses might be a little less evident then. And that might be the point your partner has a better relationship with them than you do.

It's lovely that you feel that way about your kids, but doesn't prove anything about dads v mums.

I honestly think this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read on here.
You are absolutely wrong.

So there are exceptions , but only for women then ?

@AshGirl there is no custody dispute. I just generally feel that a mother (regardless of the type of birth, feeding choice etc) has a stronger love for their child. I don't think this is down to my own experiences with my parents or my children and partner though. I really feel that a mum would love her child more than a dad (in most circumstances)
I was just wondering if I was alone in my thoughts. And I can see that I am 🤣

However as some previous posters have said, it could be that initial connection and rush of hormones that makes me feel like that

I somewhat agree. My uncle was the most devoted Dad ever, until the divorce, then he didn't bother his arse anymore and barely seen my cousins. This seems to happen all the time when couples seperate. So many men are able to walk away without a backward glance. You can't say the same for women. Of course it happens, but rarely.

I disagree OP.

I think bonding with the baby might happen faster for the mum due to all the things you mention in your original post, but that doesn’t that Dads love their children less.

Well, I don't think you're interested in changing your mind so it doesn't really matter what we say unless we agree with you: you're looking for validation of your feelings rather than discussion of what you've said.

Your perception is an old-fashioned one, I feel, rooted in the past rather than the twenty-first century, when babies were perceived as women's work and thus men were excluded from all those elements of caring for a child which would promote that closer relationship. It may be that that's the way your household works now which has led to your perception.

As a pp said, there is a certain type of woman who genuinely believes, whether they express it or not, that men are somehow incapable of parenting as well as a woman by their very biology.

I don't agree with you at all.

Even if you're right OP... so what? Suppose that love could be measured out of 100, and I love my DC (say) 99 while DH loves them 98. Yes? And? 🤷‍♀️

Nah. Basically, if your theory were true, then no biological mothers would ever abuse, abandon, or neglect their kids and no adopted parents would truly ever love their children. If it were true, we would see distinct patterns emerging just as above. But we don’t.

We know both aren’t true, so that means that biology alone doesn’t account for love.

It's been proven scientifically hasn't it? There are studies of oxytocin levels. The mums generally have high levels of oxytocin straight away from birth, but dads' or non-bio parents' oxytocin raises with the amount of time spent caring for and cuddling the child but reaches the same level after a few months of intensive caring/spending time together.

You can't say mums love their children more because of pushing them out/breastfeeding then exclude all the mums who didn't do those things.

I didn't push them out, breastfeed and i didn't spend 24/7 with mine either because they were in nicu for 5 weeks. I also didn't get the rush of oxytocin when they were born because my c section was under general anaesthetic. That doesn't mean i don't love them but i can't see the point in trying to evaluate whether dh loves them more. Maybe if i had a nice easy birth and breastfed them, I would love them more?!

What you're really saying is, mums who have a natural birth and breastfeed love their children the most. Which is really a very silly thing to say. Method of birth and choice of infant feeding is not how a long lasting bond is built between a parent and child.

Have you watched that Netflix documentary called Babies? It's really interesting. Basically, mothers who birth/bf their child get a surge in oxytocin, the "love hormone", which the researchers knew about. What they discovered was that dads get that exact same surge - their levels are comparable with the mums very quickly! And the same with adoptive parents. Basically, the more you hold, cuddle, touch and care for your baby, the more the oxytocin in released. I mean, maybe there is conflicting info out there, but based on that documentary your theory is wrong.

[quote footballinterferingagain]@AshGirl there is no custody dispute. I just generally feel that a mother (regardless of the type of birth, feeding choice etc) has a stronger love for their child. I don't think this is down to my own experiences with my parents or my children and partner though. I really feel that a mum would love her child more than a dad (in most circumstances)
I was just wondering if I was alone in my thoughts. And I can see that I am 🤣

However as some previous posters have said, it could be that initial connection and rush of hormones that makes me feel like that [/quote]

Ah, is it that you've just recently given birth? Your hormones will be all over the place! It will settle down soon and you will see your partner step up.

I am considering That I am wrong

Same as Morgan, I don't necessarily disagree.
My now ex adored our children with his whole being. Until the split. Instantly disposable. That's what's hurt the most
Same with my father
Same with my friends husband as of last week
And so the list goes on.

My dh loves our dds so much I wonder if he actually loves them more than me. He would do and does do anything for them, he absolutely adores them. So I don't agree.

Don't feel bad for feeling that way OP. I know what you are saying. HOWEVER, I know my
husband would lay his life on the line for our kids and absolutely adores them. He's a hands on dad, always there for them and basically worships them. Does he have the same connection I have with them? No,
it's different. He cannot ever know what it's like to carry, birth and feed a baby in that way. But I don't know what it's like to be
a father. I think you are confusing connection with love.

**I think birth mothers do have an intuition about their babies which comes from having carried them. But it’s not love.

As an adoptive mum I can assure you that my child’s birth mother had no such intuition which could have cost my child her life.

Ive heard a surprising number of adopters (Including 3 personal friends) speak of the the love and strength of feeling they have for their adopted children being stronger than that of their birth children. They always qualify it by speaking of their intense love for their birth children but something about the history of their adopted child and knowing what they have been through together with intensity of the process involved in adopting created feelings of love and protectiveness they hadn’t experienced before.

Of course there are other families where the opposite is true.

Similar situation here, @ShesMadeATwatOfMePam. I had an emergency Caesarean under general anaesthetic with one of my babies, and I didn't breastfeed either of my children for long. I also returned to work earlier than most women because I am a high earner and we couldn't afford to lose my income for long. By the logic of this thread I'm the worst mother ever In truth, my husband expresses his love differently, but I think he loves our children as much as I do. Maybe that's because we're both evil formula-feeders