I don't think anyone will be able to change my mind on this.. mums love VS dads love

[footballinterferingagain]

I honestly don't see how a dad can feel the same about a child as a mum..

You carry that child for 9 months, push them out, breast feed them, spend 24 hrs a day with them..

How can a dad possibly feel the same intensity of love for a child

(I know there are exceptions to the above and not all mums bond/ breastfeeding/ stay at home etc etc, I just mean generally) and also, my kids do have a loving dad.

Does anyone agree with me, or am I alone?

Well I seem to fall into your very narrow and standard definition of a mother OP; birthed my child myself (no trauma), breastfed him, was the one to take leave for the first 7 months of his life and look after him

... yet I can tell you absolutely categorically that I don't love DS any more than DH does. Infact I'd say overall that DH's instincts and bond with DS came far more naturally than mine did. I love him to pieces, but so does his dad and their connection is irreplaceable. Maybe I'm just 'broken' or one of your exceptions afterall

I know our kids better than Dh - he works very long hours. I wouldn’t be able to say who loves them more though - nor would I want to!

I said I know there are exceptions

When there’s so many exceptions, they’re not exceptions.

I am not going to bother attempting to get you to change your mind but you have an extremely simplistic view and are assuming everyone has had same experience and thinks in the way you do.

Whilst there is no doubt there are far more cases where the mother makes all the sacrifices and the father neglects the child(ren) after the parents' relationship breaks down, it is still not possible to make a sweeping generalisation in the way you have just done.

I have no doubt DH loves the children just as much as I do - we may demonstrate this in a different way but he is also willing to make all sacrifices for them. Yes, the bond was different in the early days, especially when breastfeeding but that did not mean I loved them more and still doesn't

Totally disagree.

My husband is a stay at home day. HE knows their worries, he deals with the ins and outs of daily life with them, he has been home schooling them.

We both love them huge amounts but his love is definitely equal to mine. He was at home with the youngest from 10 months when I went back to work. The oldest as a baby wouldn't sleep until he came home and let him lay on his shoulder. He was right there every step of the way from the moment they were born. There is no way I could ever question that he loves them less than me. It's a slightly ridiculous suggestion.

I definitely think that the mum-child relationship/bond is different to that of father-child. Not saying they love them any less, but I do feel that it’s different.

@SueEllenMishke I'm just not so sure that biology is so far down the list of reasons why.

Yes I do think society is changing, thankfully & of course separated parents can share but 90%is a whopping percentage.

Yes I do think society is changing, thankfully & of course separated parents can share but 90%is a whopping percentage

The patriarchy still dominates! We all still have deeply ingrained unconscious biases which mean we continue to live in a patriarchal society.

There is a difference between love and the “performance” of love.

The “performance” of love (the way people behave, the things they say) can change depending on e.g. country, social group, era etc).

An upper class family in the Victorian London would be very likely to have “performed” their love for their children very differently from a middle class family in Liverpool in the 21st century(to take a very random example). Would you conclude from that that the Victorian mother loved her children less? If so I think that’s a bold assertion, I would say they were socialised to express their love differently.

The impact of socialisation on how we show love makes it all very complex. The same applies to grief. Do cultures were it is expected to throw yourself on the coffin and scream and tear at yourself feel more grief for the loss of their loved ones than Those in cultures that expect you to sit quietly in a chapel before holding a small drinks reception in the local pub?

Trying to compare the strength of people’s internal feeling merely by their outward behaviour is a bit pointless unless you take the strong impact of socialisation into account. I think the same could be said to apply to how men and women express emotions.

I definitely think that the mum-child relationship/bond is different to that of father-child.

How does that work where the child has two dads?

@SueEllenMishke

Yes I do think society is changing, thankfully & of course separated parents can share but 90%is a whopping percentage

The patriarchy still dominates! We all still have deeply ingrained unconscious biases which mean we continue to live in a patriarchal society.

The fact that 90% of single parents are mothers is not solely down to patriarchal societal expectations

I don’t understand the recent push to reduce mothers down to incubators or breeders. It seems that in fighting against patriarchy we have to destroy the notion that mothers and children normally have a unique relationship.

Maybe because they don’t normally have a unique relationship - it suits parts of society to believe that’s the case but there’s no evidence to support.

My mother didn’t get that memo.

She fucked off when I was 5 🤷🏻‍♀️.

The other thing is, That idea suggests if you don’t have a good relationship with your mum there’s something abnormal about you.

The fact that 90% of single parents are mothers is not solely down to patriarchal societal expectations

It's not solely down to biology either ......

Maybe because they don’t normally have a unique relationship - it suits parts of society to believe that’s the case but there’s no evidence to support

100% this

@Jellycatspyjamas

I definitely think that the mum-child relationship/bond is different to that of father-child.

How does that work where the child has two dads?

Your coming at from an adoptive point of view which is a totally different thread tbh.

You can strip back everything and put a child in a cage and they would still live. They don’t need a biological mother to live. But nature didn’t intend for that to happen.

There are many many articles/studies on line on how mothers and fathers ‘love’ or nurture their off springs differently but both enrich the child’s life.

I went through IVF at the same time of a same sex couple in my family. They are both mothers to the child but if they ever got divorced the child would go with the bio mum.

Your coming at from an adoptive point of view which is a totally different thread tbh.

Sorry, you can’t talk about maternal love if you’re an adoptive parent?

@Jellycatspyjamas

Your coming at from an adoptive point of view which is a totally different thread tbh.

Sorry, you can’t talk about maternal love if you’re an adoptive parent?

Well actually you were talking about paternal love. You were talking about the way two fathers would love a child when this thread was about bio mothers and bio fathers.

Bio parents V adopted parents is a different thread.

Everybody is capable of maternal love and parental love.

Bio parents V adopted parents is a different thread.

No it isn't, when the OP couched her argument in favour of maternal love being more intense than paternal in terms of pregnancy, labour, birth and breast feeding.

There are many many articles/studies on line on how mothers and fathers ‘love’ or nurture their off springs differently but both enrich the child’s life.

Different and better/superior are not the same thing. The OP was essentially saying the dads can't love their children to the same extent mums can because they gave birth to them. Which is obviously a load of bollocks and deeply insulting. They may show their love differently or have a different relationship but it doesn't make it better or worse.

Errr. No. I didn’t push mine out, I elected to have him cut out of me. Don’t love him any less. And my husband who took a year’s paternity leave so I could go back to work at 16 weeks would also disagree with you.

Bio parents V adopted parents is a different thread

The OP said maternal love was superior because of the experience of pregnancy, birth, nursing etc. The experiences of fathers, non-bio mums, adoptive parents are all relevant because they all have something to offer counter to the OPs assertion about maternal love.

Unless you’re saying that families formed by anything other than a woman giving birth are less than or abnormal?

@OxenoftheSun

Bio parents V adopted parents is a different thread.

No it isn't, when the OP couched her argument in favour of maternal love being more intense than paternal in terms of pregnancy, labour, birth and breast feeding.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to think that. Your baby’s DNA stays in your body till you die, you grow the baby from your own flesh, your brain changes, your body physically changes to keep the baby alive after birth. It’s not unreasonable to think that the mother has a unique relationship with her new child.

And it’s no coincidence that 90% of single parents are mothers. I know MN is full of super dads but reality, in the real world it’s mothers who stay to make sure the baby stays alive.

Nah. My DP’s face lights up when he looks at his DC. He finds them fascinating and adorable, loves all the ways they resemble him and would do absolutely anything for them. He’s become primary parent over the years as their mum is flaky and unreliable. She may think she loves them the most, but anyone can see that (if love is a verb) his love is stronger and more obvious. He definitely loves his kids more than I love mine - or in a more gushing way for sure.

I think you can have that maternal strong love feeling without having given birth to a child, I feel it for my niece who I am raising.

I do think maternal and paternal feelings can be different for sure but my dcs dad definitely loves them as much as I do.

My mum cant stand me on the other hand so I dont think you can generalize liek that.