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Supporting your DC through singleness/infertility

81 replies

FondueOhOh · 26/07/2020 19:54

My DD is 30. She’s not great socially but has a few friends. She’s never (to my knowledge) had a boyfriend or girlfriend. She told me that she had a date arranged when she was about 22 but the prick stood her up.

She loves children and babies.

She came over today and I mentioned that a cousin was engaged. She just sighed and said ‘her and the rest of the world’. Then we took the dog out and saw about five girls she went to school with, all with their partners and children.

She looked so hurt. My heart is actually breaking a wee bit because I don’t know how to make her feel better. She’s so practical and hates twee crap. I’m trying to text her and I just don’t know what to say 😢

OP posts:
RosieLemonade · 26/07/2020 20:10

Not my DC but my sister. She’s so brilliant and funny and absolutely gorgeous. I don’t understand it at all and yes my heartbreaks for her. She’s had a few crappy relationships but nothing long term. She deserves a loving relationship. It makes me feel awful whenever we hear or read anyone we know getting engaged etc as I do want that for her and knows it hurts her though she would never admit it.

topcat2014 · 26/07/2020 20:11

Adoption is an option for single people, just FYI

FondueOhOh · 26/07/2020 20:12

I don’t think mentioning adoption is going to make her feel the slightest bit better! Christ!

OP posts:

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bunhead34 · 26/07/2020 20:19

Is she infertile tho? Or just doesn't have a partner to make babies with?

She's still young, there is time! Has she tried online dating? A good few of my friends have met their partners that way.

bunhead34 · 26/07/2020 20:20

Also no, don't mention adoption!

Beakyok · 26/07/2020 20:21

Adoption? Really? What a ridiculous suggestion just because the word infertility is used in the thread title.

Op your daughter was me 11 years ago. Single, babies been born left, right and centre. I felt like I was destined to be the spinster aunt. However, I knew it was time to do something proactive so I got myself online. Yes there were some disaster dates but I found my future husband at 32. Married at 35 and now with two young children. I count my blessings but I know that if I had just sat back and waited for ‘it’ to happen, then I would have missed the boat!
Maybe you could suggest online dating and helping to write her profile?

sleepyhead · 26/07/2020 20:27

If single parenthood via donor was something that you would be able to support her with then it would be worth mentioning as an option - of course it might not be for her at all.

FondueOhOh · 26/07/2020 20:28

'Just' single. I thought the feelings must be similar though?

I don't know about suggesting online dating to her. Definitely not tonight.

OP posts:
FondueOhOh · 26/07/2020 20:29

I'd support her in anything not illegal.

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Mmmmycorona · 26/07/2020 20:32

Adoption 🙄
It’s not a miracle cure.

Tolleshunt · 26/07/2020 20:34

She’s 30, sleepyyhead, not 42!

OP you sound lovely. She has time on her side still, but I agree with pp that if partnership and children are high priorities it’s time to become more determined and strategic about it, to stack the odds more in her favour.

I would suggest she thinks about the qualities she’d like in a partner (ie those that are compatible with her and her values and goals), and then think about where men like that are likely to be, where they hang out etc. Then she needs to use that as a pointer for where she can connect with like minded people including single men. It’s easier and more natural if this revolves around a genuine interest (and as a side effect she’s likely to get a new set of friends too - who may have friends who are single...), but online dating would also be worth doing.

Brieminewine · 26/07/2020 20:35

Is she doing anything to help achieve her goals like does she do online dating? I have a friend in a similar position, loves kids really wants to settle down but wasn’t actually doing anything about it, wasn’t on any dating sites or going on days/nights out where there would be an opportunity to meet men! You can’t meet someone sitting in the house alone so she’s joined some dating sites and is now speaking to some men, baby steps but in the right direction!

Tolleshunt · 26/07/2020 20:35

Oh, meant to say I don’t think I would be having a conversation about it with her on text. It’s so sensitive I’d wait until you see her again. Maybe say you’re here for her and will support her always.

FondueOhOh · 26/07/2020 20:39

I don't think she does online dating.

I'd really not feel comfortable suggesting it to her. I don't want her to think I'm pressuring her to settle down. I just want her to be happy.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 26/07/2020 21:06

One of my friends was in the same boat until she met her now long term partner on meet up, which I don’t know much about but I think it’s for social gatherings (pre stupid pissing pandemic) rather than dating. They are actually adopting now, together and they’re quite far along in the process. She’d never had a long term relationship, just a few very very short encounters and had given up on relationships and babies as it just wasn’t happening and she didn’t fancy OLD so focussed on building up her friendships circle. She met her DP as a friend at 41 and they’re very happy living together with two cats and hopefully a baby or a child on the way to join their family very soon.

It was shit for her in the two decades beforehand as people coupled up and had children. There was nothing anyone could say really but I listened a lot. She found hen dos awful but struggled on through anyway.

No advice OP, but sympathies Flowers

FairyAnn · 26/07/2020 21:10

OP I was your daughter at 30 and I know my mum felt the same as you do now. She just wanted me to be happy, but also knew that jumping into a relationship just to have a family was not what I needed.

She encouraged me to do online dating but not with the goal of meeting The One. She said just go and have dates to get out the house once in a while, or to try a new bar or restaurant that I wanted to try. Make online dating a casual experience, so no pressure on myself.

It worked a treat! I got to enjoy a few nights and afternoons out having coffee or a meal and I never felt the need to take it any further if I didn't want to.any dates were just the one and that's it.

However, it did eventually lead to me meeting my husband and we've been together 5 years now. I wasn't particularly looking but was ready for when he came along.

Maybe try that angle if you're worried about pressuring her?

NameChange84 · 26/07/2020 21:12

I’m in a similar position at 36 and tbh everyday is hard and it feels like my chances are slipping away...especially in a lockdown where I can’t meet anyone.

Next time she sighs or makes the comments, use that as an opportunity to deepen the conversation. It now helps being able to speak to my parents but that’s only since I needed their support to stop me ending my own life before Christmas because of being unmarried and childless. Before that I couldn’t talk to them about it.

My suggestion would be picking up on her expressions, comments etc “DD you looked really sad when we bumped into school friend. What’s on your mind? Can we talk about it, I’d like to help.”

Or

“I know you’ve always loved children. I sometimes worry that it might upset you that it’s not on the horizon for you just now. If you’d ever like to talk about it, we can.”

Or when she let out that comment about her cousin, sympathetically,

“Oh that was a big sigh! You sound down...are all these pregnancies getting to you? I think I’d feel that way too.”

With me, my main problem was that I was rejected by all the men in my life growing up (Dad, brothers, uncles, no grandads) and then terribly bullied at school so although I am very attracted to men, I’ve just never thought anyone would want me and I felt quite unlovable. I’ve not been asked out on many dates, none at all until I was nearly 30.

So it might help to try and find out what the barriers are for her. Is it confidence? Is she just not interested in relationships? Does she wait to be asked out and isn’t getting asked out?

If she wants a relationship, helping her see her wonderful qualities would help her self esteem and fully encouraging her to meet people. Either online or through hobbies when they restart again.

Please also don’t treat her like she’s infertile! It’s a different issue and will only fuel her anxieties. She’s easily young enough to meet someone, marry and have children. She just might need to get very proactive if it’s definitely what she wants.

FondueOhOh · 26/07/2020 21:19

Thank you for such kind and considered answers Flowers

@NameChange84 I hope you are in a better place now.

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NameChange84 · 26/07/2020 21:20

Also...the kindest thing ever that my Mum did that helped was getting me out of family baby showers. I remember her holding me as I sobbed because everyone was pregnant except me and this stupid woman had cornered me and told me I was leaving it too late and couldn’t afford to be fussy and even if I got pregnant over 35 I might have a dead baby Angry and I literally fell apart. My Mum, held me, dried my tears, kissed my forehead, told me she was sad for me and felt it was really unfair and she knew I was heartbroken and then she announced “and you are not going to your cousin’s baby shower next month. You’re going through enough and I won’t have you forced to put a brave face on.” She got me out of another one not long after I was about to end my life too.

That little bit of sensitivity around the family pregnancies was really helpful. She’ll let me lead with looking at the pictures, holding the baby and everything too and won’t try and pressurise me with all the “can’t wait to be a nana” talk which really upsets me.

FondueOhOh · 26/07/2020 21:22

Oh NameChange. I am so sorry. I am glad your Mum is helping you Flowers

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AnEleanor · 26/07/2020 21:23

This is sort of me and personally the last person I would ever want to discuss this with is my mother but only you will know if your relationship is the kind where you could talk about it frankly. My mum indirectly supports me by never mentioning anything to do with my love life ever unless I bring it up, which I appreciate. I think you would have to be very delicate in how you discussed this so it didn't feel like you were chivvying her. It sounds like you're a nice mum so just being around is good!

Slightly surprised by the attitudes towards adoption, I am 30, single and have considered adoption. It was actually quite a meaningful thought process for me a couple of years ago. If I had a more secure job I would seriously look into it and I also know it's not a cure all, but neither do I see why it has to be considered a 'last chance' for infertile couples.

formerbabe · 26/07/2020 21:26

I think put having children to one side...she still has time. It's a bit early to suggest sperm donors and adoption.

I think the relationship thing is more impossible here and trying to find out and understand why she's never had a relationship. Does she lack confidence? Is there another reason?

FondueOhOh · 26/07/2020 21:26

I don't really think my DD would appreciate it either. My family are very touchy feely but she's like her dad... they just get on with things. I hope you are lucky soon AnEleanor.

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formerbabe · 26/07/2020 21:27

*important not impossible

Campingintheraintoday · 26/07/2020 21:27

My dd has recently become single.. Broken hearted and disillusioned..
3 years since her last break up. Won't share the personal in depth stuff as it's not my tale to tell but she has made other goals for now. New car after Xmas and to buy a house end of next year.
For now she is dkitten hunting!!
Keep the lines very very open. Its very tough supporting adult dc and remembering they aren't 10!!