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Original poster

Supporting your DC through singleness/infertility

81 replies

FondueOhOh · 26/07/2020 19:54

My DD is 30. She’s not great socially but has a few friends. She’s never (to my knowledge) had a boyfriend or girlfriend. She told me that she had a date arranged when she was about 22 but the prick stood her up.

She loves children and babies.

She came over today and I mentioned that a cousin was engaged. She just sighed and said ‘her and the rest of the world’. Then we took the dog out and saw about five girls she went to school with, all with their partners and children.

She looked so hurt. My heart is actually breaking a wee bit because I don’t know how to make her feel better. She’s so practical and hates twee crap. I’m trying to text her and I just don’t know what to say 😢

OP posts:

AnEleanor · 26/07/2020 21:27

Although I'm not advocating that in these circs you actually suggest adoption! That would come off very wrong!Just saying it's not completely beyond the pale for a single 30 something to be considering it and giving it a proper think - a friend is having similar thoughts.

NameChange84 · 26/07/2020 21:30

@FondueOhOh you sound like a good mum too!

It’s hard because I know it hurts her. I’m sure you feel your daughter’s pain. But just not making a big deal out of trying to force things to happen and acknowledging how much it hurts is amazing. Although I can see her ready to kill anyone who brings up why I’m not married and don’t have children! That’s the hardest part probably for your dd too...if she’s one of the only single ones she might need to answer a lot of intrusion from other people wanting to know why it hasn’t happened for her yet.

My parents have brought up online dating (which is a maybe for me), egg freezing (definite no) and adoption (maybe if like Eleanor, I have the money and career improves) and that helps too but again it’s really hard to find the right time to broach it. So just let her lead.

Rather than going in trying to problem solve straight away, just sit with acknowledging her feelings about being “left behind”.

You really do sound lovely!

ivfdreaming · 26/07/2020 21:31

Tough one but sometimes people need only the tough love a mother can give.

But NOT over text - find a way of asking her if she is actually unhappy with her life and what she wants out of it? and maybe discuss with her that if she wants what she sees her friends from schools have then she needs to get out there and be proactive about it? And you'll need to be supportive about it. There is a big difference in being out and about trying to date and meet people and not finding anyone suitable and therefore feeling upset and not doing anything about it in the first place and feeling sorry for herself?

Adoption isn't a great suggestion to be honest - it's not a quick fix and neither is relying on an anonymous sperm donor to provide a baby in years to come

Interested in this thread?

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Families

backseatcookers · 26/07/2020 21:31

@NameChange84

Also...the kindest thing ever that my Mum did that helped was getting me out of family baby showers. I remember her holding me as I sobbed because everyone was pregnant except me and this stupid woman had cornered me and told me I was leaving it too late and couldn’t afford to be fussy and even if I got pregnant over 35 I might have a dead baby

and I literally fell apart. My Mum, held me, dried my tears, kissed my forehead, told me she was sad for me and felt it was really unfair and she knew I was heartbroken and then she announced “and you are not going to your cousin’s baby shower next month. You’re going through enough and I won’t have you forced to put a brave face on.” She got me out of another one not long after I was about to end my life too.

That little bit of sensitivity around the family pregnancies was really helpful. She’ll let me lead with looking at the pictures, holding the baby and everything too and won’t try and pressurise me with all the “can’t wait to be a nana” talk which really upsets me.

You and your mum both sound absolutely fucking lovely, I'm so pleased you've had her in your corner through what can feel like such a lonely and unfair experience

Original poster

FondueOhOh · 26/07/2020 21:32

I think the relationship thing is more important here and trying to find out and understand why she's never had a relationship. Does she lack confidence? Is there another reason?

Well, again, I don't want to pry and she has never shared anything with me apart from that one date.

I am very biased, being her mother she's beautiful and clever, but she's so shy.

OP posts:

NameChange84 · 26/07/2020 21:34

Thank you @backseatcookers. It is just really fucking unfair! Hopefully there’s still time if this stupid Covid would just go away and I could get back out there x

formerbabe · 26/07/2020 21:39

I have a friend who sounds very similar...never had a relationship...no idea why, she's attractive, intelligent and lovely.

topcat2014 · 26/07/2020 21:44

Don't know why I got slated, tbh. I was an approved adopter and there were single people on our courses.

Not everyone knows it is possible.

I would never advocate saying "just" adopt as if it is easy.

Doilooklikeatourist · 26/07/2020 21:45

I was her ... had a few boyfriends in the past , nothing special
My mum got talking to a friend of a friend ... who had a son , who couldn't find the right girlfriend .. they set us up
( Me ... mum I'm going to kill you
Mum .. oh just got to the pictures with him )
26 years later we're still happily married with 2 grown up DC

PurpleDaisies · 26/07/2020 21:46

It's a bit early to suggest sperm donors and adoption.

There is NEVER a good time to suggest sperm donors and adoption. As if anyone who hasn’t had children but wants them had never thought of those options before. It’s patronising and unhelpful.

You’ve had some lovely comments from other posters. I’m not sure I’ve got much to add other than agreeing with taking face to face if she wants to, opening with something gentle.

SoloMummy · 26/07/2020 21:48

@FondueOhOh

I think the relationship thing is more important here and trying to find out and understand why she's never had a relationship. Does she lack confidence? Is there another reason?

Well, again, I don't want to pry and she has never shared anything with me apart from that one date.

I am very biased, being her mother she's beautiful and clever, but she's so shy.

I'd be more inclined to leave it today and then maybe discuss why she feels she's never yet met anyone. I'd also explain that in today's world being a mother is not dependent on having a partner. Plenty of mothers by choice opt for donor sperm routes etc. So partnerless does not equal childless.

formerbabe · 26/07/2020 22:03

There is NEVER a good time to suggest sperm donors and adoption. As if anyone who hasn’t had children but wants them had never thought of those options before. It’s patronising and unhelpful.

Why is it unhelpful? I don't think that necessarily the problem is she wants children? Nor am I sure that plunging her into single parenthood will help.

Perhaps she's lonely? Perhaps she would like a partner in life?

At 30, she still has time on her side. I think it's really sad to go through your life never having experienced a relationship or some romantic interest. I think that's more relevant than not having children.

You’ve had some lovely comments from other posters

Can't see why my comment was so awful it needed that sarky response.

formerbabe · 26/07/2020 22:04

Suggesting sperm donation and adoption is basically saying to her that she'll never meet a partner so may as well go it alone.

PurpleDaisies · 26/07/2020 22:05

Can't see why my comment was so awful it needed that sarky response.

That wasn’t aimed at you. I mean posters who had already given helpful advice that I wasn’t going to just repeat. You’ve taken that rather personally.

SoloMummy · 26/07/2020 22:09

@formerbabe

Suggesting sperm donation and adoption is basically saying to her that she'll never meet a partner so may as well go it alone.

No it's not!

It's saying you have options if you want children and don't happen to meet someone to have children with.
As opposed to years ago when you'd die a childless spinster!

Original poster

FondueOhOh · 26/07/2020 22:11

Well, I think at the moment, it would be kicking her while she's down.

OP posts:

formerbabe · 26/07/2020 22:14

A life of single parenthood and totally bypassing any type of romantic relationship sounds quite brutal to me.

NameChange84 · 26/07/2020 22:29

I can only speak for myself. Although I’ve considered (ruled out) sperm donation and adoption (still an option) I’d agree with OP that a parent suggesting these to me first would have been a huge kick in the teeth.

It would feel like they were saying “yeah...we think no one is going to love you or want babies with you either” and very cruel no matter how well meant. It would make me feel like a defective reject.

I want a romantic relationship, a marriage within which to raise a family together. If that’s what OPs DD wants too its better to go with helping her form meaningful romantic attachments than jumping straight to single parenthood options, especially given that she’s only 30.

FunTimes2020 · 26/07/2020 22:53

@topcat2014

Adoption is an option for single people, just FYI

KaitK · 26/07/2020 22:55

I'm in a similar position to your daughter. I'm in my early thirties and have never had a serious relationship - I've had short term boyfriends and flings before but I've never been in relationship with a man I could see myself growing old with or raising a family with.

I desperately want to be a mum. I'd also like to find 'the one' but I'm mindful of the fact that there is a time limit on having children.

My mum is desperate to have grandchildren. She was an old mum so her friends now have been grandparents for a decade or more, mostly. She used to be quite vocal about her desire to have grandchildren and my family used to always ask about when I was settling down. It always used to embarrass me and make me feel so, so awkward. I'm glad it's stopped now.

I would feel quite awkward if my mum wanted to have a discussion about me being single and childless. On the other hand, I sort of want to discuss with my mum that I am considering having a child on my own. But I think that conversation needs to happen naturally. Perhaps the time to mention something was when she made the comment about her cousin or the girls she was in school with.

Bumpsadaisie · 26/07/2020 23:01

Place marking.

Original poster

FondueOhOh · 26/07/2020 23:04

I would feel quite awkward if my mum wanted to have a discussion about me being single and childless.

I definitely don't want to force it. I just felt so helpless today. I hope you are luckier soon too Kait.

OP posts:

Spasandstripes · 26/07/2020 23:05

Was there a reason you mentioned infertility? Is that likely to be something that affects your daughter?

Original poster

FondueOhOh · 26/07/2020 23:07

I know a previous poster said to separate the issue of being single and not having children, but I felt it was relevant that my DD really loves children and (I think) would like to be a mum.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone.

OP posts:

Dozer · 26/07/2020 23:09

Yes, infertility issues v different from relationship ones.

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