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Original poster

Supporting your DC through singleness/infertility

81 replies

FondueOhOh · 26/07/2020 19:54

My DD is 30. She’s not great socially but has a few friends. She’s never (to my knowledge) had a boyfriend or girlfriend. She told me that she had a date arranged when she was about 22 but the prick stood her up.

She loves children and babies.

She came over today and I mentioned that a cousin was engaged. She just sighed and said ‘her and the rest of the world’. Then we took the dog out and saw about five girls she went to school with, all with their partners and children.

She looked so hurt. My heart is actually breaking a wee bit because I don’t know how to make her feel better. She’s so practical and hates twee crap. I’m trying to text her and I just don’t know what to say 😢

OP posts:
Spasandstripes · 26/07/2020 23:13

Not having had children through circumstances is different to trying to have them and not being able to.

I’m not saying one is worse than the other, but I think infertility isn’t really relevant here. If she met someone tomorrow, it’s more than likely she’d be able to conceive if she wanted to over the course of time. That’s a different position to most people facing infertility.

tinselvestsparklepants · 26/07/2020 23:30

Something my mother has never done (but wish she would) is just not expect to be made a fuss of on mothers' day / at Christmas etc. It's as if she has forgotten that there is pain in knowing you'll not get to be in the receiving end. If you can find friendlier / non traditional ways of marking very family oriented events that can help. Invite her out to try new things and make it clear that normal doesn't equal best.

Tolleshunt · 26/07/2020 23:39

OP, you mention that she’s shy. Therapy, or maybe even coaching could transform this for her. It wouldn’t mean her having to become the life and soul, or somebody she’s not. Just give her strategies for engaging more with others without self-consciousness or worrying what others will think.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
SoloMummy · 27/07/2020 06:27

@FondueOhOh

Well, I think at the moment, it would be kicking her while she's down.
But it could also be what gives her hope.

I so wish my family had suggested it could be an option when I was 30.

As it was, I went down tgat route but in my later thirties. That in effect ruled out the possibility of a sibling for my child.

You see it as hurtful. Me having been in your daughter's position see it very different.

Kernowgal · 27/07/2020 08:45

"I think it's really sad to go through your life never having experienced a relationship or some romantic interest."

Ouch. For some people it happens, for others it doesn't. Judgement like that just makes those of us who for whatever reason haven't formed a long-term relationship feel even worse.

My longest relationship was just under two years, with someone who turned out to be abusive. I stayed in it for longer than I should have because I was so desperate to be in a relationship and I felt like I'd failed yet again.

Friends and family can make you feel like a social pariah for your singleness. There's nothing wrong with me, I am good company and not ugly, but I live somewhere remote and just don't meet many single men.

Anyway, back to the OP. You sound like a lovely mum and if your daughter raises the subject again, just say you're listening. She might need ideas, she might just want to offload.

formerbabe · 27/07/2020 08:53

@Kernowgal

I don't think there's anything wrong with you, the ops dd or my friend who is in the same situation.

The thing is you said

For some people it happens, for others it doesn't

And actually I think we're not passive in this. Out of my group of girlfriends, the ones is relationships, including me, actively sought a,relationship. It's a scary and daunting prospect meeting new people, dating and you end up meeting a few frogs along the way, being rejected, rejecting others...its not always easy but most people stick this out as their desire to be in a relationship is strong.

Some people are lucky and just meet someone randomly and its all easy...most people don't.

namechangedschoolquery · 27/07/2020 08:56

I think it would be very difficult to suggest as a mother but I agree with the pp that a little bit of coaching, or perhaps CBT could be really helpful.

If your dd is really shy then she may be missing signals that people are interested in her, or not making it clear that she likes someone. I was in a similar position on my early thirties and made a concerted effort to do online dating - I met someone and had children. My friend and I did it together and it worked out for her too.

Gemi33 · 27/07/2020 09:12

This is basically me but I'm 37. I think it is now too late for me and I have missed the chance to have children. It is so sad. Two people I know have recently announced they are expecting a baby and it's so painful every time.

formerbabe · 27/07/2020 09:16

It's not too late @Gemi33. You could meet a man and have a baby within two years and still be under 40.

I'd say approach dating like you approach job hunting. Don't sit back and hope you'll meet someone...It's a numbers game.

milliewildflower · 27/07/2020 09:19

I agree with others that mentioning adoption and sperm donors would be awful, and I wish people wouldn’t push them on threads like this. (Not a criticism of you OP.)

I really think most people who suggest it don’t have a clue about the costs involved for starters.

Gemi33 · 27/07/2020 09:21

For many years I have been told to do online dating and I was really reluctant but at the start of the year I did join a dating site but to be honest I'm finding it really difficult. I've never thought I'm particularly picky but I have hardly found anyone I'm even remotely interested in. The other issue is that for various reasons (including medical issues) I have put on a lot of weight over the last couple of years and I have no confidence so even if the opportunity arose to meet up with someone I don't think I would have the confidence, the thought of someone taking one look at me and running a mile fills me with dread. Obviously I want to lose weight and feel better but I'm so aware that time is running out.

xx

formerbabe · 27/07/2020 09:35

Sorry you're finding it tough...that's why I said it's a numbers game. Most of us don't click with very many people really so meet loads until they do. I think your confidence is more important than your weight...I know lots of larger women who have met men and are now in relationships. Wish you all the best

Original poster
FondueOhOh · 27/07/2020 09:39

Gemi it must be very difficult Flowers

OP posts:
SoloMummy · 27/07/2020 09:51

@Gemi33

This is basically me but I'm 37. I think it is now too late for me and I have missed the chance to have children. It is so sad. Two people I know have recently announced they are expecting a baby and it's so painful every time.
I was your age when I started ttc as a lone woman. My child is currently playing mermaids! It can still happen if you want it to. I have met many in similar situations, all have used donor sperm and some donor eggs as well.
StartupRepair · 27/07/2020 10:01

I think the most helpful thing you are doing is not trying to 'fix' her or to get grandchildren for yourself, but just acknowledging that it must be painful for her. That's a great place to open the conversation.

Gemi33 · 27/07/2020 10:05

SoloMummy I am so pleased it worked out for you. I'm not sure that doing it alone would really be an option for me. I would really like to be in a relationship to have a child ideally but also I don't think my family would be supportive of me using a sperm donor and that could make things difficult. I also don't know whether financially I would manage on my own. It's wonderful that you have had such a happy outcome though.

xx

Poetryinaction · 27/07/2020 10:50

I was single at 27 and my three siblings were settled with kids, with partners they met in their teens.
Everyone focussed on me meeting a man. I didn't particularly want a relationship, but I was desperate for kids. I told myself that if I were single at 30 I would start the process for adoption.
I had a friend in a very similar position. By 35 she was on the road to adoption, and I was married with 3 kids.
I don't know why mentioning adoption is such a bad thing for someone who wants kids. Waiting for a suitable partner to have kids with doesn't have to be the only option, and can be soul destroying.

milliewildflower · 27/07/2020 11:00

It might be possible to bring it up if the dd is 40. She is 30. There is no urgency at all. Even 40 is young-ish in adoption terms!

SoloMummy · 27/07/2020 12:39

@milliewildflower

It might be possible to bring it up if the dd is 40. She is 30. There is no urgency at all. Even 40 is young-ish in adoption terms!
Not if she would like to adopt a baby as most authorities and charities won't allow for a greater age difference than 40 years.
SoloMummy · 27/07/2020 12:44

@Gemi33

SoloMummy I am so pleased it worked out for you. I'm not sure that doing it alone would really be an option for me. I would really like to be in a relationship to have a child ideally but also I don't think my family would be supportive of me using a sperm donor and that could make things difficult. I also don't know whether financially I would manage on my own. It's wonderful that you have had such a happy outcome though.

xx

My own family had reservations, as a family should have if they have your best interests at heart. I too would have liked the typical setup, but that wasn't an option. And tbh, given how many families don't last the test of time, this way is more secure for my child and myself. And selfishly, I don't have to "share them". Financially, children don't cost a lot if you don't have a lot. You make it work with adjustments. Using sales etc, being more frugal. But that would still be the case if there were 2 of you.

I hope that you get the happy ever after you seek. I'm really glad that I made my happy ever after happen!

milliewildflower · 27/07/2020 12:47

But people don’t tend to adopt newborns solo

Codexdivinchi · 27/07/2020 13:05

Being ‘single’ and being ‘infertile’ are two massively different things. And no they don’t feel similar.

There are routes to go down if you want a child and you are single, I don’t know why posters were getting such a hard time over it. She’s thirty years old if she wants a child this needs thinking about. She’s got about five years before her body stops producing as many eggs as it did, plus the eggs quality falls. I’ve been on IVF boards and a lot of women do this by themselves.

It’s never too late to meet some one but it’s very rare that you will bump in to your future husband whilst out shopping, you do have to put a bit of effort in. Joining sports clubs, dance classes, online dating ( although this is not for the faint hearted) ect..

If this was my Dd I’d tell her not to left life pass her by and get out and be active if she wants a partner.

SoloMummy · 27/07/2020 15:34

@milliewildflower

But people don’t tend to adopt newborns solo
Many people who adopt though want a child who is closer in age to a baby than school age. So by 40 it's already starting to push that boundary and younger adoptees may end up due to this.
NameChange84 · 27/07/2020 16:34

Newborns very rarely get placed for adoption these days. They are usually in foster to adopt placements and can be taken back and given to the birth families up to two years into the process. It’s a scheme called “Better Beginnings”. There are very few UK LA’s which will not place babies with couples in their 40s and even 50s and in fact there have been multiple threads on this right here on MN with many adoptive parents stating they were well over 40 when they had a baby or infant matched to them for adoption.

Times have changed.

If I do adopt, which I may not, I’d be looking at siblings. I would accept a baby but would be thinking realistically a school aged child and a toddler or preschooler would be what I would hope to be placed with given my background working with children and within SEN and the fact I’m now a lecturer within this area. Whilst attending sessions, I was told that the professionals would not rule out placing a small baby with me, especially under Better Beginnings and they were aware that I wouldn’t be planning on matching until I was in my 40s.

SoloMummy · 27/07/2020 16:48

@NameChange84

Newborns very rarely get placed for adoption these days. They are usually in foster to adopt placements and can be taken back and given to the birth families up to two years into the process. It’s a scheme called “Better Beginnings”. There are very few UK LA’s which will not place babies with couples in their 40s and even 50s and in fact there have been multiple threads on this right here on MN with many adoptive parents stating they were well over 40 when they had a baby or infant matched to them for adoption.

Times have changed.

If I do adopt, which I may not, I’d be looking at siblings. I would accept a baby but would be thinking realistically a school aged child and a toddler or preschooler would be what I would hope to be placed with given my background working with children and within SEN and the fact I’m now a lecturer within this area. Whilst attending sessions, I was told that the professionals would not rule out placing a small baby with me, especially under Better Beginnings and they were aware that I wouldn’t be planning on matching until I was in my 40s.

6 years ago I was told very differently and I was only late 30s at that point.

Please don't put all your eggs in that basket to purposely wait.... Things change... Good luck.