Supporting your DC through singleness/infertility

[FondueOhOh]

My DD is 30. She’s not great socially but has a few friends. She’s never (to my knowledge) had a boyfriend or girlfriend. She told me that she had a date arranged when she was about 22 but the prick stood her up.

She loves children and babies.

She came over today and I mentioned that a cousin was engaged. She just sighed and said ‘her and the rest of the world’. Then we took the dog out and saw about five girls she went to school with, all with their partners and children.

She looked so hurt. My heart is actually breaking a wee bit because I don’t know how to make her feel better. She’s so practical and hates twee crap. I’m trying to text her and I just don’t know what to say 😢

Thanks, I’m (well I was pre lockdown) purposefully dating. I’m glad it worked out for you but sperm donation is absolutely not for me. I’m very confident given my experience and background that I’d easily be approved for adoption and there is a desperate need my both my LAs (I live in a border town).

Seems really ridiculous imo to suggest adoption to a 30 year old based on the fact they haven't met a man yet...

@formerbabe I agree!

And at 30, despite having worked within teaching and educational psychology from 18 years old and being a hands on Auntie and carer, I still wouldn’t have felt confident as a lone adoptive parent of a child who is statistically more likely to struggle with, emotional trauma, disordered attachment, physical disability and/or Social,Emotional, Behavioural or Educational Needs. It’s not something to enter into lightly and shouldn’t be touted as a magic solution for being childless.

And to reiterate

30 is young. She could easily be married with at least one child by 35 if she’s ruthless about dating.

I think it’s wrong to say oh can’t she adopt, when it’s actually a parter and a family life the person wants! As someone pointed out upthread it’s rare babies come up for adoption, it’s usually a toddler with issues which can be very difficult to manage as a lone parent

I honestly think just encourage her to get out there as much as possible, online date, join a club, a gym, accept every social event offered it’s hard work being so available but it could be so worth it!

Is there something ‘objectively’ (according to society, doesn’t mean that it’s an actual issue) different about her? If she’s reached the age of thirty without ever having a relationship, or a date there might be a reason - other than her shyness. Many people always say that they can’t understand why x or y doesn’t have a relationship, but there is usually a good reason.

You say she’s practical, so you’d be doing her a favour if you were to point it out. Just make her aware, and stress that it’s not an actual issue and you love her regardless. Then she (or you both if she’s open to ideas) can see if it’s fixable or not. It’s better than feeding her false platitudes like there’s a lid for every pot … .

Is there something ‘objectively’ (according to society, doesn’t mean that it’s an actual issue) different about her?

As her very biased mother... no! I think had she met someone when she was younger she would have settled down very quickly.