Grandparents helping with childcare - do you get help? Did your parents?

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

We’re lucky to have weekly childcare help from my mum with our three dc. She’s come pretty much every week since I returned to work after mat leave with my first.

A lot of friends have said how lucky we are. I agree, Mum is great! She also offers the occasional overnight and we holiday together every couple of years. Her mum provided similar when she had children and both enjoy close relationships with their gc as a result. I hope to offer my kids similar help if they choose to have kids one day.

A lot of parents I speak to would love this sort of help but don’t have it and it’s got me wondering why that is. Were our grandparents‘ generation more inclined to help than our parents? Is it because people are less likely to live near family or because they’re starting their families later and grandparents are too old to help?

So my question is: did your grandparents offer childcare when you were small and do your parents offer now? If not, why not?

No all 4 of my grandparents lived in a different country, we used to go to stay with them 3 weeks during the summer holiday with my mum

My parents have my DS (2) overnight and for 1 full day weekly and have done since he was 8 month old, they also have my niece the same amount of time. They will have them additionally if we need to for whatever reason.

I stayed at my grandmas on a weekly basis when I was growing up and had a lovely relationship with her and my DS has a great relationship with my parents!

Unfortunately not. I have 2 DD aged 14 and 5 and they have never slept at my parents even though they only live 25 minutes drive. They just wouldn't want it. In the past 14 years my parents have looked after them roughly 3 times in total. Once when I had to see a solicitor, once when I went to a court hearing and once when I went into hospital for a day procedure so basically when it's been a real emergency.
No grandparents ever looked after us as children but my mum didn't work so wasn't needed I suppose. We slept over at my dads mum and dads roughly twice a year for a couple years whilst my parents went to my dads work functions.

@Wildfireponie

Mine are the same. They've never even been to watch a school play etc. Couldn't be more disinterested

My parents and in laws were too old for childcare and sleepovers. If they were younger I think they would have enjoyed it though.

@Becles

I kind of agree with you. But I don't resent my parents for not babysitting or looking after them I resent them for not showing any interest in the grandchildren whatsoever.
If I phone my parents they don't even ask about the grandchildren they just don't get mentioned. Just talks about my brother really

They all got massive amounts of help from their parents but they don't give it back to us. I know we live far away, and to be fair my Mum would take the kids more often if we were just around the corner. But when they stay over they expect us to wait on them hand and foot. Especially when I had my kids as babies and they allegedly came to "help" but I still had to cook dinner and do all the work. It makes me really angry. I feel that they are just as entitled a generation as Millenials or whoever, but it just manifests in different ways.

My parents and PIL take turns to have DS on a Tuesday so we pay for one fewer day of nursery a week, for which we're very, very grateful, and check regularly as he's getting older and so more tiring that they're still ok with. They offered to do a day a week each but it became clear quite quickly in discussions that that was either going to become unworkable or restrict their lives to a degree that DH and I felt uncomfortable with, as both sets travel a lot.

We lived the other end of the country from all my grandparents - my paternal grandparents used to take us on holiday once a year, had us to stay on our own on odd occasions (moving house, when my parents went to weddings, etc.) and would babysit a lot whenever we went to visit so my parents could have some time on their own. My mum didn't get on with her mum so she never used to look after us but she did a lot of childcare for my aunt, who lived much closer.

I'd love to be able to offer DS what our parents have done for us, but I don't know how realistic it is. My parents retired at 58 and 55; DH's mum never worked again after him and his dad retired at 52 (when DH was still at school!). Realistically unless DS and any future children have their own children (if any) very late we'll both still be working.

My mother and my in laws provided a lot of free childcare which benefitted me greatly. I did only go to work part time for several years. If they hadn't helped I suppose we would have paid someone but we didn't have to.

When I, and husband, were children our mothers didn't go to work so it didn't apply. Of course grandparents would help out sometimes - my husband's granny was particularly good - but it wasn't a regular thing.

It really frustrates me when I read that no childcare is a sign of not caring for the relationship with the grandkids. Smacks of implied threat, if you don't do this substantial favour we won't bother with you.

I absolutely agree, and as a PP has said, not taking any interest is completely different than not being lumbered with childcare during the years they could be relaxing and having to themselves. Some do it because they want to, of course, but many seem railroaded by a fear of looking like they don't care, or that their child won't be able to go back to work if they don't do it.

We didn't get help from my mum had "traditional" child raising views, and dad just didn't do childcare, mum didn't get help from her parents as they stayed too far away.

No help from dh's family, his dad was an alcoholic, his mum was a very self centred person and wasnt interested in her dgc at all. She barely raised her own children so both sets of their grandparents were actively involved through necessity.

My Mum was a single parent, her DM did a lot of childcare for me when I was young, we had a housekeeper by the time I was 8. I know more family history from my time with Granny than my Mum ever did, we also did a lot of cooking and some knitting!

Now I’m a single parent, 2DDs, and only have my DF, we had a long distance relationship through my childhood. He still lives 2 and a half hours away. In 13 years of grandparenthood he has had 1 GD for 10 minutes walking her around a field.

My mum gave 90% of the childcare to my 2 sisters kids.

For me maybe once a year for a couple of hours.

My mil did maybe once a fortnight for a couple of hours due to work not pleasure for us. Occasionally in the evening.

I didn’t ask often and only for work and only if desperate.

It was their attitude to it, they were never keen, any of them.
I always felt like I was putting on them.

Childminder and nursery was our childcare.

No help at all. My Dad and Step Mother live 600 miles away so that's fair enough. My mother said she never wanted grandchildren so I've only ever once asked for help when I was desperate. She wanted me to do 5 hours driving to drop DS off with her and work a full teaching day, so I said no and took the day off unpaid. They all ask how DS is and they give him nice presents for his birthday and Christmas but he doesn't really know who they are!

Yes won’t most people have to work until they are 67, I know I will.

The days of leisurely retirement are over for most people. Most grandparents will be at work. By the time they eventually retire, if at all, many will need looking after themselves.

My parents take the DC for a couple of days in the Summer and take them out for the odd day or two - this would help me do extra overtime at work usually, apart from one year when we had an overnight hotel break.

They've helped in other ways, eg financially, for which I am very grateful, don't get me wrong, but if I'd had the regular childcare, for free, that I see my peers receive, I would have been able to get a much better job and would have been able to put myself in a much better position in life (housing, holidays etc).

I get so cross with the arrogance of peers assuming their mothers will take their DC, barely ask them to do it, just assume, and even plan to have another child on the basis that they're entitled to this kind of support.

DP has fanciful ideas about retirement and I've told him if he packs in working and our children need help with childcare, he can offer to do it, health permitting. Its such a bolster in life when you're getting going, as much as a house deposit.

Yes and yes. My parents got lots of help from both sides and have always willingly helped us, albeit much less so as THEY still work part time. Whereas neither of my grandmothers worked after having their own children so by the time we were born they both had the energy and spare time. Very lucky for my parents, and has benefitted us as it's meant they also have a generous and sympathetic attitude to childcare.

In-laws have never helped. FIL is in the next city so not as local, although recently retired quite young so hoping to get the odd date night. MIL is very local and works 1.5 days a week but has never helped, and actively avoids any form of babysitting 🙄

We've only ever had help from PILs for a half hour a week, while DH was in college for a year. DH & I couldn't manage the childcare ourselves - I worked p/t, took DD up to the college by buggy, dropped her off at the door to DH & walked to work. DH took her home. Vice versa on other days. One day a week, one term, we couldn't make it, so PILs helped. And they've helped when DH had an operation when DD was tiny, & when I was in hospital a few times.

Other than that, no. PILs have had DD for occasional overnights, but it's always been at their request, to suit them. She comes back moody, argumentative, & usually constipated from eating the absolute shite they feed her.

My mother, who lives locally, has never looked after her. DD is 8. I'm disabled & we could really have done with the help. My mother looks after my 3 nephews & nieces weekly though.

My sister & I regularly went to both sets of GPs for whole weekends, nights, occasionally even whole weeks during the summer holidays. My mother doesn't seem to think it's a problem that she treats me & DD differently. I think it's her loss. (Yes I'm bitter.)

My father's an alcoholic.

My parents make all the right noises then back out at the last minute

My grandparents had me a lot as a child, sleepovers, and childcare when my mum was working.
My mum works part time and has my son the days she doesn't work. She will also have him anytime I ask at weekends, in fact she'd keep him and never let him home if I allowed it! She takes him on holidays a couple of times a year. I hate him going away but he absolutely loves his caravan holidays with grandma and grandad!
My mum is desperate to give up working and have him fill time but she can't.
I know how lucky I am.. my brothers MIL refuses to have the kids even though she has never worked, she just doesn't want to be tied to that commitment.. which is up-to her.. but I'd be lost without my mums help.

My parents lived too far away to offer childcare, other than on a very occasional basis. Eg my mother came to stay for a few days when my younger daughter was born.

My parents didn't have help from their parents when we were young, for the same reason. My mother's parents did move to the same town as us, but by then we were all at school and because my mother was a teacher she had school holidays off so childcare wasn't an issue.

When my children were at nursery and primary school I was very envious of people with local parents who could help with childcare!

A slightly different situation for me as I was the one who used to give my mum help with her childcare. There was a big age gap between me and my youngest sister, so I did a lot of the childcare in between school and homework when my mum went out to work.

I didn't get much of a break during the summer holidays either as I was expected to look after my little sister full-time.

In return I got absolutely no help with any of my own children (little sister was in her 20s when my first child was born). Not a single minute of childcare or babysitting, despite only living a few minutes away. My mum also had no real interest in spending any time with my children and happily goes for years at a time without speaking to them. She could tell you their names and possibly their ages but that's it.

Little sis had a child and was given full childcare whenever she needed it. This included when she wanted a childfree weekend or holiday.

The strange this is that while I find the unfairness irritating, I don't envy my sister at all. We are still very close and she says that I was more of a mum to her when growing up than our own mum was.

I don't feel the same sense of duty towards my mum that my sister does, and so don't feel weighed down by any family expectations in the same way that she does. It's not about "You didn't help with childcare so I don't want to know you." It's more that my mum just isn't interested, and my children have no interest in her either.

I think she has missed out on far more than I have.

I used to stay at my nana's every weekend almost because I loved it there so much, she also did all of my mums childcare for me and my younger brother. My mum does the same now for my DS. I thought it was normal until I took DS to some toddler groups as all my cousins and close friends get the same childcare as I do.

I only had one grandparent from the age of 6 and she came to look after us after school two evenings a week. We also used to go and sleep over at hers too - she only lived a couple of miles away. My daughter has three grandparents and my my parents who live about 15 miles away have always helped out regularly. Her other grandparent who lives about 20 miles away will help out on an ad hoc basis but prefers not to have anything regular, if that makes sense!!