Grandparents helping with childcare - do you get help? Did your parents?

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

We’re lucky to have weekly childcare help from my mum with our three dc. She’s come pretty much every week since I returned to work after mat leave with my first.

A lot of friends have said how lucky we are. I agree, Mum is great! She also offers the occasional overnight and we holiday together every couple of years. Her mum provided similar when she had children and both enjoy close relationships with their gc as a result. I hope to offer my kids similar help if they choose to have kids one day.

A lot of parents I speak to would love this sort of help but don’t have it and it’s got me wondering why that is. Were our grandparents‘ generation more inclined to help than our parents? Is it because people are less likely to live near family or because they’re starting their families later and grandparents are too old to help?

So my question is: did your grandparents offer childcare when you were small and do your parents offer now? If not, why not?

[utterlynutty]

Growing up we lived over100 miles away from my grandparents,so it was never an option for them to look after us .
When I went back to work after having DC1 my parents were both still working and my in laws lived 50 miles from us so help from GPs wasn't an option.Both my DCs still had a wonderful loving relationship with both sets of grandparents.

[MissCalamity]

My parents help out a lot, when the kids were little they had them for 2 days a week, and pre covid had them before & after school, normally we sort something out over the holidays so they've not got them all the time.
MIL does nothing.

My parents struggled for childcare when we were younger, my maternal grandparents died when I was quite young, and my paternal grandma was on her own so didn't like babysitting (as there was 3of us)

[ChrissyPlummer]

When I was very young (2-3) my paternal DGM would take me to the park occasionally, she would have me for a couple of hours while my parents did our and her shopping. I can remember 2 occasions when I slept over; she didn’t really have room as she had a 1-bed retirement flat and as I got older she had cancer and various other illnesses meaning she was quite frail. She died when I was 12.

My maternal DGD would be OK for me to go for an hour or so once I was at school but he was disabled and housebound so it wasn’t practical or fair. We used to see him most weekday mornings as his house was on the same road as my primary and my mum would do jobs for him (shopping, collect his pension, housework) once we had gone to school. He died when I was 11.

My DPs look after my DN a lot and are very involved but their health is much better than either of their parents at the same age (my paternal GD died 10 years before I was born and my maternal GM about 5 years before). They can drive and are able to take her out and enjoy it.

I suppose the big difference when I was young (born late ‘70s) was that my DM was able to afford to be a SAHM and so they didn’t need childcare the same way that families do today. It would literally be an hour or so here and there if she was going to the doctor or hairdresser or something like that.

[crankysaurus]

No and no, which is as shit as it feels, especially when I see those around me getting so much help.

Ironically, my mother came out with 'oh I could never let a stranger look after my baby' when I said we had a childminder lined up for when I went back to work. I think she assumed that I wouldn't work. One of her many gems of mouth before brain. The childminder was lovely.

I feel little obligation to them but aim to be a better, more helpful grandparent should that time come.

[mindutopia]

My grandparents provided all childcare for me from 3 months until I was about 10-12. I went to breakfast club, but they collected me from school and fed me dinner and had me every day of the school holidays. My mum also bought them a house (because she was working and could get the mortgage). They paid her money for the mortgage (so were tenants but never formalised in anyway), so she owned their house when they died.

Dh and I have never had help with childcare. We use nursery and holiday clubs and flexible working and annual leave. We have no family nearby anyway. But I wouldn’t leave my dc with them anyway.

My mum often reminds me though about how she helped me financially when I was a student in a ‘tsk tsk’ sort of way. She also rolls her eyes at a friend of mine whose parents (very wealthy) pay her kids’ school fees. I think she forgets that her own parents provided 10+ years of free childcare and paid for a house for her.

[DamsonDragon]

I think its much harder now as retirement age has gone up. My mum had me just before 30, if I also have children in my late twenties, my parents would still have just shy of 10 years before they retire and can offer childcare...
I know my mum would love to, but with retirement age increasing its almost impossible to offer more then occasional weekend care and maybe some time in holidays if preplanned with leave...

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

I think you might be a little over sensitive @ittooshallpass. I’ve nothing against paid childcare. My mum only did a day a week so the kids were in paid childcare too. They had a great time and benefitted in other ways as they got a little older. But the staff never loved them like my mum does and I never expected them to.

It’s interesting that most people saying they don’t get help also weren’t cared for by gps as kids. Maybe it’s mostly about family culture then. Helping care for family kids is definitely the norm in my family and we stayed with aunts and cared for cousins etc when necessary when we were children. I really appreciate my mum’s help (especially because she is so reliable and respectful of our routines and rules etc and happy to do both regular and ad hoc care) but given the background I’d also have felt a bit disappointed if she hadn’t wanted to help out at all.

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

I can also see that we benefited from both my dgm and Dm retiring young enough to help while being young enough to cope with small kids. That’s clearly not the case for lots of families.

[Didiplanthis]

No and no. In laws never even had them for an hour, my parents had dd for a few days but couldn't cope once DTs arrived. Had 3 in nursery 2 of them in the baby room at £65 per day each... ended up having to give up 75% of my work as there was literally no childcare available once eldest started school as rural primary with no wraparound, no childminder pick ups and difficult to get a nanny wanting to look after 3 children including toddler twins where you have to drive to get anywhere. My GPs never looked after us either.

[Becles]

So much resentment that women don't meet undefined expectations, but very little mention of dads or grandfathers.

It really frustrates me when I read that no childcare is a sign of not caring for the relationship with the grandkids. Smacks of implied threat, if you don't do this substantial favour we won't bother with you.

You can have a good relationship across generations without grandparents being unrenumerated childcare.

[MRex]

My parents were helped by DMs parents and helped a sibling of mine significantly with children. PIL help a little with DH's DN, they had help from DFIL's parents. Nobody is able to help us unfortunately.

[xyzandabc]

No and No. When we were small, both sets of grandparents lived 300 miles away as my parents moved away from where they grew up.

Now my parents live 550 miles away (I live where I grew up, they moved away), FIL worked full time until retirement then retired 150 miles away, MIL lives 25 miles away but never been interested in childcare and even now, eldest 13, tends to prefer to talk to dh when we see her rather than the GC.

[GrumpySausage]

My parents do one day a week full childcare for my under 3 and school drop offs 3 mornings. We're very lucky.
MIL has never had the kids and FIL lives in a different country. But again we're lucky my parents help.

My grandparents did ad hoc childcare when I was growing up- odd school pickup etc, however my mum didn't work until I was at secondary school.

Once I become a grandparent I think I'd be happy to help where I could. I feel my parents have an excellent relationship with my children because of the help they give us, they're very close and I trust them completely with my children.

[MRex]

They do all have a great relationship with DS though, his love isn't diminished because they can't do childcare.

[TellerTuesday4EVA]

Yes and yes.

My grandparents had me as a child when needed and my parents do the same for mine now.

We do live close by though. I will 100% do the same if my DC's have children of their own

[eggofmantumbi]

Both sets of grandparents had is loads but they all lived nearby. I live 250 miles from my parents, otherwise they'd have my girls in a heartbeat!

[Savingshoes]

Grandparents never lived near by, nor did extended family. We would visit as a family and enjoyed spending time with them.
They would sometimes take us on day trips to things they liked to teach us alternative options to the usual cinema or ice skating trip, instead we would visit a knitting something etc, everyone would jump at the chance bizarrely!
We were taught not to use family as free labour. They have their own hobbies and lives.

[PonyPals]

Grandparents never really looked after us but my parents see our kids every day and look after them 2 days a week. I love spending Time with my parents and so do my kids. I know that we are very lucky to have the help.
And they live around the corner!
I will do the same for the kids if they need me

[WildfirePonie]

No, and my parents live 5 minute drive away... never offer to babysit, never arrange to meet, neither have worked for over 15 years. I pay for nursery and afterschool clubs.
Other grandparents live in another country and they would love to help

[Craiglang]

We get none. In-laws are uninterested in a relationship with their only GC, we're LC as a result. My parents are hundreds of miles away and in too ill health to help.

My parents had no help from my maternal GP - my GM made it very clear that she'd done her job raising my mother, she had no interest in helping with GC. My paternal GP would take us after school until my parents finished work, so that definitely helped. They didn't like babies or toddlers though so the help only came when we were of school age.

[polkadotpixie]

My Mum has my son 7:30-5:30 Mon-Fri while I work. My Grandma did the same for my Mum, looking after us when we were children so my Mum could work FT. I pay her £200/month

I am very lucky and eternally grateful. I couldn't have afforded to have a child without her help

[MsF1t]

My grandparents were dead or overseas when I was growing up. Only one relative was nearby and she was very elderly. My sis was the first to have kids and my parents moved 50 miles away in the first months even though she was young, alone and really could have done with some help. They never had any of her kids, even for an hour to help out when she was doing her degree.

I think my mum realises now that's why the kids have little interest in seeing her now they've grown. She is making more of an effort now, though- think she's had a lot of time to think now she's on her own.

If she had been born 30 years later I doubt she would have chosen to have kids. It is what it is; I get jealous of people who have loving, involved grandparents for their children, but I do love and appreciate my mother's wit and intelligence.

[GrishainDisguise]

We do not help from our parents. They are too far away.

My parents had no help from their parents, they were too elderly / sick.

[AuntieMarys]

Both parents dead before I had children.
My dh has grandchildren who we see regularly ( twice a month) but we don't do childcare.

[LBOCS2]

No, and no.

We had nannies growing up, both sets of grandparents lived over 200 miles away and our parents worked very full time jobs.

With our DC, DH's parents are still working full time as they're young, my DM died and DDad lives 60 miles away. He has the DC for a week each summer (and a couple of long weekends a year) but isn't close enough to do childcare. So we pay 🤷🏼‍♀️