Grandparents helping with childcare - do you get help? Did your parents?

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

We’re lucky to have weekly childcare help from my mum with our three dc. She’s come pretty much every week since I returned to work after mat leave with my first.

A lot of friends have said how lucky we are. I agree, Mum is great! She also offers the occasional overnight and we holiday together every couple of years. Her mum provided similar when she had children and both enjoy close relationships with their gc as a result. I hope to offer my kids similar help if they choose to have kids one day.

A lot of parents I speak to would love this sort of help but don’t have it and it’s got me wondering why that is. Were our grandparents‘ generation more inclined to help than our parents? Is it because people are less likely to live near family or because they’re starting their families later and grandparents are too old to help?

So my question is: did your grandparents offer childcare when you were small and do your parents offer now? If not, why not?

No regular support for my parents when we were growing up as grandparents all lived couple of hundred miles away. One set would take us on holiday once or twice a year though, and both sets came and stayed sometimes so our parents could go away. I think my parents were happy with that as no regular support also meant no regular interference! They both worked shifts and managed childcare between them/with our neighbours/friends.

My parents live overseas - always babysit on a visit and happy to look after the kids overnight individually or together, but obviously aren't here very often!

PILs live a couple of miles away. Always help if asked and if they can. Will have the kids to stay overnight if they are both there (MIL is away a fair bit with other caring responsibilities), but find it too much on their own. Always offer to babysit for birthdays etc and are happy to be asked. We have never needed regular childcare (I was a SAHM when kids were little - we had three within 20 months, so childcare would have cost a fortune and far too much to expect of grandparents - and now I WFH), but I know they are much happier in a grandparent role than a childcare one.

It's felt important to me to build up a mutual support network of friends rather than relying on family members, and I tend to ask friends for favours rather than my in-laws (and happily reciprocate!). SILs family also live locally and her parents are always her go-to support (then us!) - she never asks friends at all. But I'm more comfortable with a friend-network. I know we are hugely lucky to have caring grandparents close by though.

My grandparents didn't look after us, they lived about 150 miles away and we didn't ever stay without our parents.

We have never had any childcare from my parents/ in-laws. My mum is an alcoholic, my dad lives 200 miles away, he would help out if he could but he has spent the last 14 years or so caring for grandchildren so if we lived local I wouldn't want to add to that. My MIL will complain occasionally that she doesn't look after the children alone but she'll loudly exclaim that she doesn't change nappies or do any of the not so nice jobs of parenting. If we're out for the day all together and my 5 year old tells her she needs a wee it won't occur to her that me might need to find a toilet or tell me that she needs to go, same with drinks etc. Completely oblivious.

I think there are lots of different reasons as to why grandparents don't help:

Distance - unless you live locally, it can often be more of a hinderance than help to try and coordinate.

Grandparents health - people are having children later in life, so grandparents could be well into their 60s when their first GC is born and may not have the best health.

Grandparents working - many are still working outside the home and aren't available.

Some just don't want to.

My mum and MIL do help out, but only during school holidays as they are both working so can only spare a few days at a time. My grandparents only looked after us occasionally during the holidays.

No and no.

My paternal grandparents didn't live in this country so I only saw them a handful of times before they died.

Maternal grandmother died when I was 3 months old and grandfather was too old and drunk to be anywhere near a child.

My dad died before DD was born and my mum who remarried and moved 2-hours drive away has never babysat or had DD alone.

The early years were very expensive and when I became a single parent when DD was 3, I kissed goodbye to any kind of social life as I couldn't afford a babysitter.

8 years later I'm still single and was just starting to venture out without a child in tow and we go into lockdown. Ah well, my years of staying home alone prepared me well and unlike many I haven't found it difficult at all

And in answer to your other question, yes my Gps did the same for my cousins and I.

There was often 8 of us cousins at my Nan and grandads, particularly in the summer holidays when our parents worked. My grandad retired at 50, and my Nan never worked. So the seemed to always be available for childcare for my mum and uncles.

my parents didn’t have any regular grandparent childcare but i would go to stay with them for a week in the summer hols when i was old enough to get the train to london by myself (very young by today’s overprotective standards!!)

i have no help with childcare, my DP are too young they are both working/trying to work and they also live 300+ miles away. My DH’s parents are closer but I don’t get on particularly well with them. MIL takes my oldest DD occasionally for a day or an afternoon

I'm hoping one positive to come out of the lockdown is that parents with supportive family on tap appreciate this all the more (yes I know some appreciate already but others take it for granted). And also that they might be more empathetic for those who don't have any such support and find organising childcare an on going headache.

My grandmas helped when I was little, firstly one of them was local when I was tiny and then I can remember staying with the other one when we moved south. I was about 2 it's one of my first memories. Then not so much as even the nearest one was an hours drive away and she didn't drive. The other one would come and stay to look after us when mum and dad went away.
With my own DC. My in-laws did nothing, it was a one way street with us having to visit them of a weekend 10 miles away. My parents did have mine in the holidays once they were at school and of course their relationship blossomed because of it. I would happily look after my GC when the time comes, assuming I'm fit and well.

My grandparents were more my mum and dad than my actual mum and dad were.
Much more so. We lived with them until I was a teenager when I moved in a house with my mum. Mum was more like an older sister.
My mum today with my DC is a good grandparent and sees DC regularly and will look after them but it's the odd couple of hours here and there. It's not really consistant and I always feel she's doing it with a sense of duty rather than it being what she wants to do.
She likes to be 'seen' to be a help.
I don't think she appreciates how much help she had when I was a child and I don't think she realises how hard it can be to raise a child because basically she didn't have to.

I am that grandparent that contributes to childcare. I work full time but with some flexibility so have always helped out with holidays, school collections, lots of overnights. When I was a child I had the odd weekend with grandparents so my parents could have a weekend away but nothing more. However, back in those olden days mothers didn't have to work so there wasn't the same need. When I was a mother we didn't have any family near, I worked full time and it was hard hard work

I do what I do primarily because I'm comparatively young and fit enough and I enjoy spending time with my grandson. I don't want my daughter to have the constant worry about childcare when you need to work like I had. I also feel guilty about being the generation that got free education, easy mortgages and a reasonable pension to look forward to - so I feel slightly easier helping out the next generation

i find this interesting as it assumes the main reason for gp to help is financial
I think for a lot of families this is a massive incentive for gps to help out. As a childminder I know how much childcare costs. I’ve just worked out, The family leaving me for school this time have saved £14000 Over 4 years by having family help out 2 days a week. That’s a massive amount of money for most families.

My reason for wanting to have grandparents pick up is not only financial though. Our school has 2 options for after school childcare. The after school club or me, as a childminder. I have so many enquiries of families wanting to leave the club because they aren’t happy, there’s no way I would put my children there!

I am that grandparent that contributes to childcare. I work full time but with some flexibility so have always helped out with holidays, school collections, lots of overnights. When I was a child I had the odd weekend with grandparents so my parents could have a weekend away but nothing more. However, back in those olden days mothers didn't have to work so there wasn't the same need. When I was a mother we didn't have any family near, I worked full time and it was hard hard work

I do what I do primarily because I'm comparatively young and fit enough and I enjoy spending time with my grandson. I don't want my daughter to have the constant worry about childcare when you need to work like I had. I also feel guilty about being the generation that got free education, easy mortgages and a reasonable pension to look forward to - so I feel slightly easier helping out the next generation

My grandma often looked after me and my brother growing up, but she lived in the same building as us.

We don't live near either set of grandparents now (moved for job) but both DH parents and my parents are regular childcare for their grandchildren that do live locally.

No, our grandparents didn’t provide childcare for us and now I have my own I never expected PILs to do it either.

Friends use grandparents as on tap childcare and they look exhausted and have little free time after many years in work. Some can’t even book holidays yet are expected to have the children so their parents can go away.

I’m a firm believer in grandparents shouldn’t be expected to do childcare. Spend time with their grandchildren yes, be the free nanny no.

No, I was never looked after by my grandparents and I'm NC with my family (also a lone parent) so it's always me or paid for childcare

No,my Mum still works as a nurse (she's 73) and they live over 100 miles away.

They have come to help me in extreme circumstances though.

Grandparents helping is definitely very common where I live. I always met lots of grandparents at toddler groups, and now I often see them at the school gates.

Surely most grandparents of young children these days are at work themselves.

3 of my grandparents passed away by the time I was 6. I have limited memories of them . I think my mums parents helped a little but not much. My dads dad lived till I was 16 and he never looked after me or my brother. We lived about 1.5 hours away and he was always old.
My parents used to have my various aunts or my older nieces look after us if they wanted to go out in the evening and we often had one of dads cricket mates watch us.
My parents have done very little babysitting for us. Mainly as they both worked till they were 63 ish. They became grandparents when they were 57 when they became grandparents ( my mum looked after us while we were little and went back to work when we were teens). We also didn’t live close
My MIL hasn’t worked since we’ve had the kids. We lived along way from her, so she was unable to help but found them hard work when she did visit.
However I didn’t work till my youngest was 5 , so no child care needed

No and no.
We live in another country from both sets of grandparents (our choice and fully understand that it's our choice).
However, I do find myself conflicted sometimes and I try to be rational but sometimes i find myself getting pissed off with my brothers attitude and my bil and sil attitude to both my parents and my in-laws.
Both sets look after their grandchildren that live near them. Both in terms of a few days a week in terms of childcare and also in terms babysitting. It has saved both sets thousands of pounds over the years.

I feel like my brother and his wife in particular has taken advantage, we have the same type of job and asks my parents to look after their son for (what I consider) ridiculous reasons. E.g. late night due to patents evening, reports need writing, they want a day out together just the 2 of them, both have separate plans at the weekend and kid can't go, need to do food shopping etc etc.

My BIL and SIL are similar with my in-laws also.

Both sets of grandparents always say yes, but then when we Skype with them sometimes they are upset as they've 'had words' as they can't look after the kids one day/ evening/ weekend and the adult children are upset/let down disappointed.

I really have to hold my tongue and not say something that I regret. I love my brother and all my of in-laws, but I get very frustrated at the expectation of the grandparents being the go to childcare without any real consideration of other options.

I feel that I can't say anything as 'I chose to have my children abroad '. But when you're constantly updated with tales of date nights, romantic couple weekends away, Christmas shopping without the kids, I get a bit 'hmmmmmm.'

We tried to arrange a trip to the cinema last year and to have a meal out, but the babysitting costs would have nearly doubled the costs!

Sorry, that turned into a not very eloquent rant and I probably haven't made my point very clear :)

Growing up, my parents lived about 80 miles away from their parents, so we just had a childminder/after school care.

DH’s mum was a SAHM and also lived in a different country to their parents, so they relied on family friends for babysitting.

We now live about 200 miles from my parents and halfway around the world from DH’s, so will also have to pay for childcare etc, which we’ve budgeted for.

My siblings and a family friend who live closer to my parents keep “joking” that they will be getting free childcare now my parents are retired, and then wonder why I don’t find it hilarious

I love knowing the kids are with someone who loves them for that day.

OP that's a really cruel and thoughtless thing to say when many people on this thread have said that help from GPs isn't/wasn't possible.

I spent the best part of £40k on childcare in the early years and was literally living on baked beans so I could afford to go to work to earn money to pay someone else to look after my child. The thing that gave me comfort was knowing that the nursery staff really loved and cared for my child.

Yes, they were being paid and no, they weren't blood family, but they still send birthday and Christmas messages to my DD now - 7 years after she left their care. So please don't assume GPs are the only ones who can love a child.

I did not get any help because I did not want it. If I asked either set to help, they would have instantly, but I had no reason to ask as I juggled childcare, work and social life. She is my child and my responsibility and I was fortunate that I could do that. A child is young for a very short time and as a working parent I then didn't want to not see her on weekends either so I could go away and leave her. I do not regret my choice at all. I love her very much and have hugely enjoyed parenting her.
I have no desire at all to do it again however and if dd has children I would do the odd night of babysitting but I will not be doing week long sleepovers.

I agree with Jim above, that childcare can be very divisive within a family. Unless a set of GP can commit to caring for ALL their DC's offspring to a reasonable level, it can be seen as chronically unfair by those who don't have the same level of GP care (even if it's not expressed, there is a LOT of tongue-biting that goes on among families).

My DB lived close to my DP. They had my DB's four children from the moment my SIL went back from maternity leave, did all the childhood activities, and then pre and post school pick ups and took them for tea etc. When DB and SIL split up, DB went back to live with the DP and had the children there every weekend.

Meanwhile, I am raising my five, 350 miles away with no help whatsoever. I KNEW it was unreasonable to be annoyed and merely a matter of geography, but I STILL felt that sibling 'it's not faaaaaair!' when DP would tell me all about my nieces and nephews and where they'd taken them that week, whilst on my knees with exhaustion and crying children.

Sometimes it just isn't worth the family upset if you can't give one child what you give another.