Small ways in which your parents fucked you up

[SaladBap]

Over the last few days, I've come to the uncomfortable realisation that what I thought was clever, edgy humour is actually unpleasant, mean and arrogant.

I was raised to think that our family was a bit of a cut above other people in terms of humour/intelligence - edgy jokes that cut very close to the bone, self deprecating humour, but also snobbery regarding other people's hobbies and interests (anything pop culture)

Other people were humourless, dull and couldn't take a joke

I've realised that this isn't a sign of how quirky and funny I am, nor of my moral superiority, but actually makes me seem an arrogant snob. It's also caused a kneejerk habit of thinking negatively about people

It explains why I've struggled to make friends, I think, and why my self esteem is quite low at times - I apply that really sarcastic voice to everyone including myself

I'm looking at my parents through totally new eyes. Things like their sneering at "catalogue families" who brought rounders sets to the beach or park - we could easily have done so too, my parents didn't want to, but us children would probably have quite liked it instead of being forced to just sit there while they read the newspaper!

It's a small thing, but I actually feel quite cross about it.

Can anyone relate?

Believing I'll never commit and stick at something. I wasn't encouraged to take up any hobbies as a child, anything I suggested or any club I wanted to join was instantly shot down with "no, you wouldn't stick at it" so I never had the chance to try. I was well into my 20s before I realised that actually I'd never had the opportunity to see if I could commit and stick with a task! I do struggle with focus and want to give up easily, it's true, but I wonder how much of that comes from having it drummed into me that it was the expectation of me as a child.

I loathe that Philip Larkin poem.

Some parents are vile & abusive.

I'm sure that the most do the best that they can though within the confines of their lives.

I think that putting on a appearance/not arguing such that neighbours would hear/keeping kids quietish when playing in the garden was a thing of it's time.

Shame though that some people have one from too much consideration (to the detriment of kids), to none at all!

Two main things - firstly I’m really shy and as a child / teen DM used to poke me in the back and say “talk to xx, look them in the eye, don’t be shy etc’ in front of them. It really didn’t help! I’d blush and my brain would freeze - couldn’t think of a single word to say. It has had long term consequences and I still freeze up sometimes (especially if Dm is around!) . Only yesterday she was proudly telling someone “I always used to insist that dcs looked people in the eye and spoke properly”. I should have said something!
They also bought us up being very tight with spending - big fuss over putting the heating on, not allowed to buy ‘frivolous’ things (eg hair conditioner, as a teen very few and awful clothes (the sort that get you bullied) etc. It was only about 5 years ago that I realised that they weren’t poor at all - 4 kids at public school, horses, holidays.... it was all so unnecessary. I now feel huge guilt spending any money on myself and dcs. I’m left with feelings from growing up short of money even though I didn’t!
DM is also a very jealous person and this has spoiled her enjoyment of things. Comments like ‘so and so’s daughter’s going to Cambridge / married a doctor etc’ were always expressions of envy / disappointment in us rather than being pleased for her friends.

My parents never argued. It’s something my mum is always very proud about. What I remember, though, is days on end of my dad giving her and everyone else the silent treatment, and my mum cussing under her breath, resenting him.

My mum has very low self-esteem and always found fault in everyone. I grew up believing that you should look at everyone through a critical lens. How damaging that has been, and although I have worked hard to change it, it made making friend very difficult for a long time.

My mum also insisted that having confidence was not a good thing. She seemed to think that my natural confident, friendly friend was precocious and self entitled (she wasn’t at all). As a result, I was always taught to play down my successes and came to believe that I wasn’t good at anything.

They used to say "a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips".

I have struggled with food and weight issues my entire life.

I was taught that being nice was a sign of weakness
Doing things for people that were showing and publicly acknowledged were good but actually treating other people with respect and genuine kindness was weak and asking to be taken advantage of, even within the family.

Op, my family seems very similar to yours and ive also come to realise it recently as I hear it coming form my own son and find it so rude and arrogant, its the 1 trait I detest that hes picked up from me - but we recognise it so we are working on it and being kinder to others.

It's also given me the chance to work on other issues with him - I grew up with a strict sd around food. myself and my brother were only allowed treats on a Saturday evening watching gladiators, and as soon as we both moved out we piled on weight because we were now able to eat what we like - I still struggle 20 years later. I was also never told I was loved or they were proud of me - they weren't horrible people but they just didn't say it, my mother valued more for her career than he kids and she's admitted that.

So with my own Son, he knows where the treat cupboard is but hes not in there all the time - he prefers water to juice and has never in his life tried coke or anything. When putting him to bed I say goodnight I love you and he says it willingly back, so swings and roundabouts - he has stuff I never had as a child and the bad stuff well we can work on it in the future.

I have memories of going holiday and thinking it was perfectly normal not to wear any clothes on holiday, after all none of the other people on the campsites we went to wore clothes either, I couldn't believe school friends didn't know you we're supposed to walk around naked on holiday.

Maybe they weren't all at nudist camps then.

These make interesting reading!

Like many posters, bad things were interspersed with many, many good things, and fine examples of parenting.

But one of the things I've found hardest to address, as an adult, was my dad's extraordinary racism. I grew up in a very white village, and then in a very white town. There was only one black child in my school. If a black person appeared on the tv news, dad would say something like "oh look, the offensive term's are moaning again." People from other countries were referred to in derogatory tones.

But the weird thing was, he had a huge sense of social justice. If he thought anyone he knew in real life was getting a hard time, he'd bend over backwards to help them. He always championed the under-dog and despised and fought against bullies. He really drilled into my sister and I that we should always stand up against bullies, and defend those who can't defend themselves.
But all the while, in private, he was expressing horrible racist opinions. Yet I never really knew whether he believed them. But the frequency with which he'd spurt something offensive was so often, I have to believe he did.

In myself, I've had to work long and hard, over many, many years, to unpick this casual racism. The whole Black Lives Matter movement has been quite hard for me, because I realised I'm not quite as far along in my journey as I wish I was. I've found myself getting frustrated, and then having to realise it's dad's voice inside me saying "how dare these people tell us white folk we're wrong?!" It's been tough, but I like to hope I'm getting there.

And now I'm doing my absolute best to teach my children that all people are deserving of love and respect.

My parents have a terrible attitude towards money. They never taught me to save because we were poor so when we got money my parents just splurged it. It's really hard to unlearn.

Also I have anxiety and my mum, trying to be supportive, would constantly say "There's nothing wrong with you". While she meant well, I understood it to mean that everyone had the same thoughts as me and that I just couldn't cope with life. There is something wrong with me, general anxiety disorder, and that's okay.

Mine were similar to the OP’s. Things that ordinary families did and enjoyed were looked down on. This included commercial tv, commercial radio, going to the movies, having bbqs, going on family days out, doing things as a family for no reason other than to spend time together, popular culture, toys, camping, Christmas decorations, theme parks, playgrounds 99.99% of music, teen magazines, gay people being ostentatious, sportswomen being assertive and not smiling at unfair rulings, birthday parties, dress up sets, school musicals, school discos and lets not forget branded clothing.

My mum always hid any negative points and liked us to look like perfect children in a perfect family. She was always bigging us up and bragging about us, often exaggerating and making stuff up. She still does it now, reckons we were all perfect children and babies who never had a tantrum or put a foot wrong. She hates that I'm honest with people

"dont tell them baby isn't sleeping through the night" "dont say daughter is going through terrible twos" "dont tell anyone daughter is being hard work".

Its weird, like a huge mind fuck. Shes always praising me and trying to inflate my ego but not in the right way. "You're better than that person because..." "I'm so glad you're not common like so and so" "you're a much better mum then..." and then says all the things we do right are a result of her upbringing. Is this narcissism?

My parents are two of the worst racist, homophobic bigots I've ever had the misfortune to know.
Anyone who wasn't white British was on par with an insect.
If I ventured a view which differed then I was a N lover who was ' no better than them '
My mother thought that education was wasted on girls because ' they only go off and get married and have kids and waste it all '.
She was also one of the ' what will the neighbours think ' brigade.
When I was 17 I left home and never went back.
If there's one thing they did teach me, it was how to be the polar opposite of them.

My parents never really encouraged me or my sister to do well. We never got nagged to do homework or revise, we just got punished when we got in trouble at school. It was like they weren’t bothered as long as they didn’t have to hear about it.

My Mother’s greatest ambition for me was to find a nice man to marry, which was a complete non-starter because I’m a lesbian. My parents were quite openly homophobic so by the time I was old enough to understand my own sexuality I was terrified. I did find a man who wanted to marry me, and because that was expected of me I just got on with it, even though I already knew it would mean me basically sacrificing my own happiness and ambitions.

We were always taught to do as we were told and whatever punishments we got were deserved. My dad used to hit us, and because we deserved what we got I grew up thinking it was fine for a man to be violent towards me, which of course happened. The man I ended up marrying was violent and abusive, which I accepted as normal.

I was also very aggressive when I was younger, because that was how I was taught to handle things. I’m not now, most of the aggression drained out of me when I grew up, but I still have to push down the urge to lash out sometimes.

I was taught never to moan, especially about how my disability affects me. I was never allowed to feel upset or frustrated about it so I just learnt to blag my way through and struggle. Consequently for years I was afraid to ask for help even when it was available because I viewed asking for help as a weakness.

I was always told, ‘you’re blind, you can’t do this, you can’t do that,’ which I railed against, which also meant I was reluctant to accept help and struggled where I needn’t have.

I know my parents tried their best and they thought they were doing what was best for me but now I’m older I can see their faults. My mother is very domineering and struggles to see things from other people’s point of view. She doesn’t seem to understand that other people have feelings and emotions of their own, and if she does she doesn’t seem to think they matter as much as her own. She’s irresponsible with money and spends it like water. Thankfully I’m much more sensible and like to save what I can. My sister however is a lot like my mother where finances are concerned.

My dad is a bit of a flake to be honest. He defers to my mother at all times. He also has a nasty temper which he fails to control, towards me and my my sister at least.

My parents have always drunk a lot, so I grew up thinking heavy drinking was normal. My XH is an alcoholic but I didn’t see it for years. I don’t drink much now but still have to keep tabs, otherwise I slip back into drinking every day. I don’t get pissed, but drinking every single day, even just the one can of beer I would usually have in the week is more than what is healthy.

My mum had a very depressed mother, so as a result, we weren’t allowed to show any kind of sadness or negativity because she didn’t want us turning out the same. I spent my teen years depressed and suicidal. When I tried to speak to her about it to get help, she told me people wouldn’t put up with me and told me to get over it. As a result, I had two failed suicide attempts at university which she doesn’t know about.

It definitely messed me up. Even if I’m feeling at the lowest of the low, I don’t tell people. And it’s hard for me to be honest about my feelings, I’ll just plaster on a smile.

She’s lovely in other ways, but I don’t think she realises how harming her attitude was.

I was never allowed to do anything outside school, unless it was taking myself to the library. No hobbies. Means I can't play any instruments. Also never encouraged me to keep fit as I wasn't allowed to do any sports. I've had to force myself as an adult to find ones I like. This is in contrast to both parents' upbringings!
My mum almost universally hated my friends, such few that I had at school. So I stopped having anyone round and lost friends, and I always expect everyone to dislike me now. Everything was such an effort as well; no lifts anywhere, getting food tech stuff was a faff etc. Means I never ask for any help or favours as an adult because I assume it's automatically a no. My mum has never stuck up for me either; I was bullied horribly throughout school but stopped mentioning it after age 8/9 because she always said it must be my fault. She still does that now.

I've actually recently noticed a few traits from DH that are exactly like his DM and it really winds me up that I've not noticed them before.
My IL are generally really kind, hospitable people who would give the shirt off their back to help someone out.
But MIL is v controlling. It's only when you see the family dynamic you notice as to outsiders she would come across as very laid back. But if you suggest an idea or plan to do something, she will make decisions for other people. One day SIL offered to take my DC to the beach. They'd spoken about it and DC knew the plan. Then MIL decides "it's too far to drive for SIL , she wont feel like it, she'll be too tired etc" and they went somewhere else.
I mooted the idea of asking some neighbours to join us for a take away the other day. DH started "they probably wont want to, their kids probably eat earlier than that etc" and tried to put me off.
I asked them and said I would understand if the time didnt work for them. They said they'd love to, and we had a really nice time.

Growing up, the ability to be witheringly sarcastic cruel was much admired. You were encouraged to entertain your baying audience at the expense of your victim. I used to pride myself on my scorching put downs and pithy retorts and wielded them like a whip. It was only fairly recently when my children became teenagers, and experimenting with sarcasm, that I had a lightbulb moment and realised that being funny with cruelty actually isn't funny at all.

Also growing up, our house had to be immaculate at all times, it was like that line in Ferris Bueller when he describes his best friend's house as 'like a museum, very beautiful but very cold'. We lived in a stunning show house that never felt like a family home. My Mum cleaned the house every day and we had a cleaner. I swore I wouldn't let my children live like that. Yes, our house is probably tidier than most, and we do have a cleaner, but I don't police our teenager's rooms and 9 times out of 10 I just quietly shut their doors to hide the mess. It's their private space.

I can't remember my parents ever inviting any friends over, or socialising with friends, in my whole childhood. Occasionally we'd have relatives to stay, but I can't remember my parents ever just thinking "oh, let's invite so-and-so round for dinner".

I think this is one of the reasons I've struggled a bit with friendships, and am a nervous host, into my adult life. I have a good relationship with my parents, but if I ever mention we're having friends over for dinner they'll kind of mock me, like it's some kind of pretentious middle-class affectation. "Oooh, you're having a dinner party! When it's usually just catching up with mates and eating a curry.

My mother was cold, judgemental and distant. She grew up without her own mother and for many years I excused her behaviour for that reason.
She openly favoured my siblings. My sister was conceived 4 months before they were married so I think there was this huge ‘pretence’ of a wonderful happy family. When my best friend fell pregnant at 16 she told me she was a disgrace. There was an age gap between me and my brother. In those days you stayed in hospital for a week after birth. She refused to let me visit. How could you not want to see your child when it was absolutely allowed?
She was obsessive about cleanliness and housework. I never stopped cleaning.
I wet the bed until I was 14. I wet myself during the daytime until I was about 11. I recognise now that it was all down to the childhood I was living.
Never once hugged me. Or told me she loved me. Financially supported both my sister and brother when they went to college.
I was in denial about it all until fairly recently. She died years ago, at a fairly young age.
I’ve recently learned that my siblings and my father had deliberately excluded me from some really big decisions.
I’ve walked away from them all and I actually feel free. But in realising how dysfunctional my childhood was, my anxieties about fucking my own kids up are escalating

I have found my people. It took me years of therapy to even try to get to grips with. I'm still a work in progress. . However, my Tribe are all a bit weird, we make allowances for one another, as we are all damaged, but I no longer have the toxic ones in there, which has helped enormously. Took me ages to work out who was toxic tho, as I was so heavily programmed into thinking that was part of love/friendship....

Second class citizen in the house and never a priority.
I was sent to school ill because neither parent was willing to have a day off to look after me, had a horrible boy haircut because it was easier than long hair, walked around with a fractured arm for a week as they didn't want to waste the doctor's time.
It wasn't unusual to be a latch key kid in the 80's but 8 was pretty young to get yourself to and from school.

My mother had depression and wouldn't medicate, she would make me watch as she cooked so I'd know what to do if she had to go to the mental hospital. This led to chronic anxiety around cooking and the associated stomach aches meant I could barely eat. As a result I had very poor muscle development and looked emaciated.

It was really no surprise I had no sense of self worth and consequently ended up in an abusive relationship. It has taken a long time to find a happy place and I adore all sorts of foods now.

I wonder what we are doing now that is messing our children up?
I think there is a difference between out and out abuse or neglect affecting someone and just slightly less than perfect parenting. We are all fucked up in some way from our upbringing, I think most people do their best though. In turn we will affect our children in ways we don’t anticipate even if we are decent enough parents.

Yes I've got a mum who mocks and makes sick faces about mums who say they love their kids/grandkids.

She hates soppy people.
She doesn't think people need to be constantly busy and doing things. Kids should be home and don't need this and that. So she slags of the parents who take the kids out and do lots of activities.

She also doesn't relate to mums who help their daughters out with childcare and stuff. She has left us to it and been virtually unsupportive.

I've grown up feeling like we didn't need loads of things. Mum couldn't even be bothered to do a little party for any of our birthdays. I was lucky if my best mate could have tea that day.

It kind of teaches you that you are not worth what other people are worth. Or you can't pull off or suit the things other people have.

I think I get exactly what you mean. Piss taking parents are really hard to read. It's a shame they did life that way.

@unoeufisunoeuf1 my parents were the same, visitors weren't encouraged, we rarely went to family except Grandparents and no one ever stayed over. I'm now pretty comfortable with going out socially but like to be at home just the two of us.