Small ways in which your parents fucked you up

[SaladBap]

Over the last few days, I've come to the uncomfortable realisation that what I thought was clever, edgy humour is actually unpleasant, mean and arrogant.

I was raised to think that our family was a bit of a cut above other people in terms of humour/intelligence - edgy jokes that cut very close to the bone, self deprecating humour, but also snobbery regarding other people's hobbies and interests (anything pop culture)

Other people were humourless, dull and couldn't take a joke

I've realised that this isn't a sign of how quirky and funny I am, nor of my moral superiority, but actually makes me seem an arrogant snob. It's also caused a kneejerk habit of thinking negatively about people

It explains why I've struggled to make friends, I think, and why my self esteem is quite low at times - I apply that really sarcastic voice to everyone including myself

I'm looking at my parents through totally new eyes. Things like their sneering at "catalogue families" who brought rounders sets to the beach or park - we could easily have done so too, my parents didn't want to, but us children would probably have quite liked it instead of being forced to just sit there while they read the newspaper!

It's a small thing, but I actually feel quite cross about it.

Can anyone relate?

Just a few small things. I was taught to automatically downplay any of my successes - my family are modesty gone crazy. My DM is very intelligent and has a PhD but if someone raised this in conversation she’d say things like ‘oh god but honestly it’s not that great I’ve managed to fluke it all somehow!’ When getting a first class degree etc I automatically told people ‘it was just luck on the day honestly, I don’t deserve it!’ despite having revised endlessly for months.

In terms of posters saying that we need to stop blaming our parents and accept responsibility for our own lives: that's a good idea. But it's really not as easy as just drawing a line under the past and moving on.

I was 38 when I realised I wasn t the bad person I had been made to feel I was. I wasn t going to fuck up everything just because it was expected. I hadn't so far, it wasn't based on any evidence but it was ingrained. I didn't have to hide being the bad person because I never had been. That didn't come from me but from my parents negative view on life and me.

It took counselling to change my thinking overall. But it doesn't change the fact that my parents have negatively affected me and my life. And that they continue to say things to me along the lines of what they always have.

Oh so many things.

My mother was and still is obsessed with food. Oh I couldn't possible eat all of THAT, every time she saw her relatives the topic of conversation would be about who had lost/gained weight, if you were going out in the evening for a meal you most definitely did not eat lunch, we had SO much for (a normal sized) lunch that we were stuffed ALL DAY. And on the flip side, being made to sit at the table until you'd cleared your plate of every scrap of a food you hated.

Being strongly encouraged to leave home for Uni at 18 even though you'd have been much happier to stay at home - it's character building, we did it, only losers stay at home for Uni, it's the experience, life skills.... my mental health was horrendous and thinking of how utterly miserable I was makes me sad 25 years later.

And what makes me really cross is that my own oldest child is looking at Unis and for a whole range of reasons has decided on one in the city where we live. Parents again yakking on about how moving away is character building, an experience, lifeskills... they just haven't a clue.

Oh and even though I know my parents did care about us and love us, they never said it. Ever.

I tell my kids that I love them ALL THE TIME.

"That's fine for you", "that's good enough for her", "it will do for you"

My parents were far from poor but I was dressed in awful clothes and used to practice my happy face for opening birthday and Christmas presents so I didn't spoil the day by being less than joyful.

I now spend far too much on high quality clothes/skincare/fripperies but they do last and bring me joy every time I use them.

Very true for me too.
I used to challenge my father as a teen when he was 'others' and always tried to correct my ds when he was growing up if he made unkind comments about others, and explain why, as I know its wrong. But myself must have exuded this cynicism and superiority, now he is an adult and it cant be fixed and I see him as a terrible snob and that I must be very judgemental too.

Another one to have experienced the clever clever intellectual humor and snobbery.
With slut-shaming from quite early on.
They were fine about food though and we got lots of opportunities for travel and education, but DSis and I had fewer of those than DB. We were expected to meet someone suitable at university having kept ourselves pure and never worn makeup or revealing clothes.

Yes to this..... My parents were good at heart but had some odd ways and never realised what harm they did. The family default position was that everything that happened was "all my fault" - it wasn't, no idea why this came about. Didn't do much good for my self worth.

As I got older I came to see everything couldn't be my fault. As a married woman, I ended up in hospital having an operation, my parents came to see me and my mother said "Why have you done this to us, it's making your father ill" !!! I hadn't "done it" on purpose at all. But that was just one example of what they did all the time.

I wasn't allowed to learn to drive either as my mother never had, when I was married and left home I finally learned and had a car of my own. The first time I drove over to my mother's to proudly show off my new car, all she could say was "you can't possibly drive that". It proved to be a defining moment for me, for the first time I saw what she did all the time.

I just said, "Don't be ridiculous, of course I can, I just have" and got back in and drove home again.....

Both of mine are horrible and nutters.

My mum specifically disliked me as we had to leave her home country as they couldn’t afford my insulin etc. One way of punishing me was to make me eat all of my food and then withhold my insulin, so I had to keep it down and risk a hyper or get rid and risk a hypo. I learned to essentially binge at school as I had free access to my insulin. Developing bulimia and diabulimia shouldn’t have been a surprise.

She used to hit all three of us and our dad not just with her hands either.

She used to tell us she hated us etc. She did some really really awful things. My sister sadly turned into her when she had children.

I was clearly overweight as a teenager (aged 14-16, 5’1 and size 14) and my mum used to buy tonnes of sweets and chocolate and make massive unhealthy dinners (that she never ate herself) and accuse me of having an eating disorder if I tried to restrict how much I ate. If I commented she used to look me up and down with this look of horror on her face and say ‘Carole Baskin you’re so THIN!’. If I made any effort to exercise she would ask why I’m trying to do that in a disgusted voice and stop me going out or not buy me exercise clothes (I’m talking 14-16 years old here) so I didn’t have anything appropriate to exercise in- the only exercise I had heard of was running and walking. I wasn’t allowed to walk to school. If I tried to eat healthier she would get all depressed and skulky and concerned and leave leaflets about anorexia on my bed. She would constantly go on about how fat she is (size 6) and when I’d comment that I must be an elephant she would say that I was slimmer than her.

She clearly has very severe issues herself and she rubbed them off on me.

As a result, I am never ever comfortable in my own skin. I know I’m getting bigger if she starts commenting about how thin I look. If I have slimmed down I don’t hear the end of how dangerously skinny I look (as well as the mock disgusted and shocked looks). I can’t trust a word she says about my body and tell her off for commenting on the first place.

My son was getting chubby recently and she kept telling him how fit he was looking. I told her to stop commenting on his body and sat him down and explained to him that he was getting bigger than is ideal so let’s watch our portion sizes and get on the trampoline more.

Not in an awful way but my family are so lazy, no hobbies, extra curricular activities, they're quite boring.

Typical working class family who watched tv whilst eating dinner off our lap.

DM always built me up and told me I was beautiful because her own mother was the opposite but I think people naturally pick up on others subconscious so because she had no confidence I was very shy.

Now DH have own children we are very much into 'subconscious mind theta brain state', the concept that people live in the subconscious 95% of the time, which is traits they've picked up up until the age of 7. We now make purposeful choices rather than just potter along like both our families

Now that I'm reading this thread there were some weird things that they taught us!

"We aren't an athletic family." "Running ruins your knees." "Cycling gives you huge thighs." "Women over thirty with long hair look ridiculous." "Grown women who like Disney are pathetic." "Teachers are just people who couldn't cope with real life so went back to school."

At the time I believed them but now I think... let people enjoy things!

Now I'm a runner and a cyclist, over thirty with long hair and my sibling is a teacher!

I've never read that Adrian Mitchell poem before - what a positive antidote to Philip Larkin! I'm tempted to screenshot it so that I can refer to it on occasion. My mother specialised in sarcasm & I believe I've picked up on that at times, but my DH doesn't always let me get away with it, consequently our DD has her moments with sarcasm - what teenager doesn't - but we try and alert her if the comments/behaviour are too much & threaten her friendships. Some some-awareness goes a long way

The family dynamic was this weird triad of insider/outsider/ snob traits, which I still exist in.

Both parents were hell bent on having the best of everything, despite a champagne tastes lemonade money situation, so I was turned out quite primly. Both parents insisted I talk 'nicely' and hold my fork 'properly' etc and people that didn't do these things, it was made clear were not 'nice people'.

Except this was the only interaction they had with me. Never any love or affection, physically or verbally - nothing. No input with academic support or degree choice, finances, housing, partner choice. I made some silly mistakes.

I probably came across as quite precocious and cold as a child. As a consequence my mother's family hated me - my grandmother told me I was spoiled.

This has replayed itself out repeatedly, where I'm quiet and viewed as cold and stuck up and I have to work quite hard with people to be open and friendly.

Now, I love eating in front of the TV with the DC, we're much more of an affectionate family and I avoid being prim and proper too often. I would never berate my kids when spilling a glass of water for their 'stupidity'. I can hear my parents when I speak negatively sometimes and work on that constantly. Also, that little flare of anxiety when I get something wrong, or spill a drink - I'm an adult, not 5 years old!

It has emerged that with both parents there was appalling abuse, so I see where the trajectory started. I still roll my eyes at my mother's obsession with bloody napkins though!

"Women over thirty with long hair look ridiculous."

This is one of my mother's classics too. She kept our hair very short as children because it was "practical". All my friends had lovely long hair and I was constantly mistaken for a boy. As a consequence, my DD has always had her hair exactly as she pleases.

They were always very disparaging about us doing typically childlike things - they'd moan if we wanted to go to the park, say "thank god that's over" after a birthday party- we had some lovely parties and days out but it felt begrudged,as though they resented having to accommodate our childishness.

I literally cannot wait until my kids (babies) are old enough to do things like parks, activities, day trips, cinemas, children based holidays! DH and I are big kids at heart and I want them to experience all these fun things while they're young, there's plenty of time to be an adult

This thread is so sad and worrying. I am mindful of how I raise my children but some things on this thread really resonate with me in things I might be doing wrong now by trying to fix the mistakes of my parents I’m damaging my children in other ways ☹️
Both myself and my Dh were ‘left’ to it academically not supported or pushed at all. Dh left school with zero qualifications and was wrote off at 16. My results were embarrassing compared to peers but expectations of me were so low in the family they thought they were pretty good.
Both Dh and myself have been able to work our way up and studied throughout our late 20’s and early 30’s to get to decent jobs now but I wished we’d been better supported as children to work harder and it would have been much easier. Our parents didn’t believe we could achieve much though my dm said as long as I didn’t work in the local factory she wasn’t bothered what I did.
As parents now we push our dc and support them to take part in lots of extra curricular activities but maybe I push them both too much now?!
Other weird things I’ve picked up... judge people solely on their homes was one of mums I am guilty of making snap judgements based on jobs and houses but am trying to stop this.
My dm didn’t like us having any friends over ever we would rarely be allowed to have anyone come over for tea- it only happened on very rare occasions. I’m the opposite our home is play date central and we in normal times have a couple of play dates a week and most days of summer hols.
Interesting thread thank you for starting.

My mum told me I was a miserable child and would always have been miserable whatever she and my dad did differently as parents.

This is one of the reasons I didn't have children. I was too scared I would get it wrong and ruin my child's life.

@Spied

- being told every day Mum was going to kill herself. (I now live with anxiety and panic)

• being told I wasn't clever enough for Uni and that I shouldn't apply.( I did and got my degree but made zero friends as I felt I wasn't worthy and they were all better than me)

This was and is me. DMum tried to kill herself on several occasions and threatened to do so a lot. My sister didn't give a rap and has spent her life being self centred. I cared deeply and was in a permanent state of panic as a child. I couln't learn anything in school as I had the attention span of a gnat. I would go home for lunch and Mum would be in such a state I wouldn't go back in the afternoon. I didn't get any proper schooling until secondary when I was a bus ride away but even then my attendance was patchy. Mum eventually killed herself but I was 23 by then. I have a nervous anxious disposition which I spend a lot of time trying to change. I am not in touch with my sister by my own choice. I was royally fucked up in childhood. Nowadays I would be taken into care I believe. No one intervened either. I'm sure the authorities should have done more. If the school had reported my non attendance I think help might have been available possibly. I have spent my entire adult life trying to change who and what I am.

Gosh yes, my parents never pushed me academically. They assumed school dealt with all that. They always said I was very bright.
That worked out well .

My parents had a poor relationship and there was always a rather negative feel to the family. We rarely went out together and I've always felt very awkward in social settings so I've said the wrong thing, come over as snobby because I didn't talk. It's taken me years to get over and realise that I need to forget me and focus on others to make friends. I really envy the happy positive families who everone likes

I was a little bit overweight as a child. My mum used to hide all the sweets and chocolate from me, but my siblings knew where they were. All it did was lead to me stuffing my face away from the house and I have had a lifelong weight problem due to this. She should have taught me about healthy eating rather than making sweets and chocolate a ‘prize’ that I craved even more because everyone was allowed to have them except me.

@saladbap

Yes! My gosh I could have written your post. I loved my mum very much, but came to realise a few years ago that a key way that we bonded was bitching about other people, I just didn't recognise it as that at the time. Absolutely cringe thinking of some of the things I've done / said over the years that I thought were funny when they were actually just mean.

I am really really trying not to voice those first thoughts about stuff around my kids as I don't want them to have this too.

Good luck!

My parents got lots and lots right (despite my DM's narcissism), but they did not teach us that we could recover or learn from mistakes, or that mistakes are inevitable. There was huge anxiety around them, and a feeling of failure if anything went wrong. It took me years to overcome this legacy, and I am still generally risk averse.