What do you do if your family don't like your DP?

[Tatty101]

Hey all, I need some help in sorting out my thoughts if anyone's around?

Background:
I've been with my DP for 3ish years, been living together for just over a year. We're both early 30s, no kids yet. I met him while working in another city and he's great. Ambitious, intelligent, in a good job, tells me he loves me a lot, challenges me, interests me and I love him. However, he is very different than the type of guy I'd usually go for and he's from a different part of the country than my parents. He also comes from a wealthier background than me or my family - this comes across in the clothes he wears and his accent but he's never mentioned money/finances to my family (or to anyone while I've been around!) and I actually earn more than him now.

Issue:
My parents dont seem to like my DP. They are very different people but my DP has a lot of respect for my parents. Yet my parents are always making little remarks about the way he dresses or his hair or his accent etc.

I love my parents, we're a very close family and honestly, I dont know where I'd be without them. I've moved around a bit in the last few years (before I met DP and since) and my DM in particular wants me to move closer to home which I know and I think she almost blames him for me not being closer to home? I've made it very clear that it's my choice (and have moved a little closer) but she seems to think it's all down to him. It's got to the stage where I dont want to invite him to family things because I know my family will be awkward around him. He seems to have no idea and generally likes to see them.

There's been two "hiccups" which are the only things I can think of that may have contributed: 1) we were at a family wedding last year and after a few drinks everyone was winding my DM up about my little sister who is the golden child. Nothing mean, more "can she even use the washing machine yet?" My DP (foolishly!) joined in and said something about me being really independent and my DS being totally different. My DM mentioned to me the next week that it had bothered her and my DP apologised, explained he'd had a few drinks, hadnt meant to upset anyone and was just trying to get involved with the wider family he hadnt met previously. He bought her a bottle of wine to say sorry and we all thought this was the end of it.

2. my DP stayed with me at my parents for a family occasion, with permission of course. We were playing a family game and it was 6 on one side and just my DP and I on the other (we'd played the game previously). He did get a little competitive and didn't want to give the dice up to the other side. We all laughed and he admitted he was being an idiot and again, that was the end of it.

We're looking at buying our own home next year (dependent on Covid!) but I'm really concerned about this issue with my parents. They want me to buy a house by myself instead of with him, they don't invite him to family holidays/parties and there is a constant undercurrent of comments about how different my DP is or how weird his family are because they sent my parents a Xmas Xmas despite never having met them. My DM in particular keeps referring to him as my "partner for now".

On one hand, I trust my family and if they're sending something that I'm not picking up on, maybe I should listen? But on the other, I know he's different than what they're used to but he's been so good in building my self confidence and supporting my career and personal goals.

So, thoughts? Would these things bother you? How much reliance do you put on what your family think of new partners? Any feedback/thoughts extremely welcome!

Is there some financial inequality in regard to you buying a house together? Will it be in joint name and costs shared 50/50?

Wow, that was much longer than expected!

TDLR: My parents dont like my DP of 3 years but he doesn't have a clue. I think they dont like him because he's very different than us (different home life, accent, background etc). Do you trust your family's judgement more than your own when it comes to new partners?

@Intelinside57 - likely to be 60/40 on costs with me contributing the 60% but me also owning 60%

They are part of the Welcoming Party - not the Selection Committee.

That said - is there anything other than what you've said above that is waving a red flag? Even a little one?

I think you wouldn’t be asking that question if you fully trusted your own judgement, and thought your family were just being reverse snobs.

@UncleShady no red flags. Even the issue (housework) that I thought was going to be the red flag was sorted after one conversation where he got onboard with what I was saying about workloads, drew up a rota and has done more than his fair share since. We've never had a proper argument.

@Phossy that's a good point. I'm 100% happy when we're alone together. The thing that has prompted this is that I'm worried if he cant fit in with my family, can it ever really have a future as I have no intention of giving them up?

And no, it would never even occur to me to trust my family’s (do you primarily mean your parents?) judgement over my own. In anything.

My mother would have liked me to leave school at 15, marry someone local with a ‘good trade’ and become a SAHM. Instead I did four degrees on scholarships in another country, have a professional career, and married the CEO of a big sports organisation. She thinks I got ‘above myself’ and it will end in tears.

I really can't decide here OP. They could see something you don't see in him, or your parents could be arseholes.

Have they ever been like this before with a partner?

It's really rude they don't invite him to anything. Is he really that bad?

Would you be able to sit them down and ask. Whatever they say you can never take back or ignore. But they might have seen something.

Thanks for all the responses and @Hercwasonaroll that is exactly my issues - am I missing something or are they scared of something different?

I probably sound really naive and I take your point around my own judgement @Phossy. I've only had one relationship prior to this (high school sweetheart) and my parents were very supportive. It ended 5 years ago and while I've dated casually, my current DP is the only person I've brought home so to speak since

I would seriously consider anything my parents said about a partner, however I wouldn't tolerate their shit behaviour with no explanation. They sound like they are being overtly rude to him by not inviting him.

I’m curious about the golden child thing you mention about your sister. Do your parents treat you differently?

I think if you or your friends can't see any red flags then your parents are just being a bit dog in the manger with you.
Your DM wants you nearer and with someone she doesn't have to treat as an equal adult but as another "one of the kids'
I think your being a bit dramatic about having to give up your family though. Just make it plain to your family that he is your partner with no qualifiers.
Also how does this not inviting him work? Does she expressly say only you or just leave his name off an invite?

Your parents sound very rude in these interactions.

It would be one thing if they spoke to you directly and said they had concerns about x y z to do with your DP, and you could talk about it and clear the air. It's another thing entirely to do this mean girl exclusion stuff and try to make him feel bad. Because now they are excluding you as well, because quite rightly you don't want your partner to be treated like this.

You need to tell them what they are doing has been noticed by you, and they need to get over whatever objection they have to your partner or they won't be seeing much of you either.

Were your parents 'childhood sweethearts'? Do they somehow think that you should follow their example? Or did they meet in a certain way and think that's how it's done?

In other words, do they look askance at you for behaving in any way other than that which they have previously laid down?

Because if they do, they can sod off. And be careful, because when your Golden Sister finds herself in a relationship, her OH will become the Standard You Must Aspire To (even if he's jobless and drinks fourteen cans of Fosters a night).

I think if you are serious about your dh, it's pretty terrible for him that your family is excluding him from things for no good reason. You need to have his back and if your not prepared to do this, then you should separate, for his sake. It would be terrible knowing that your dp is putting their family's feelings above your own.

You don’t have to give your family up but you need to reconnect with them as an adult. They do not get to chose to miss your partner out of invites, if they do then you don’t attend either. If they are rude you go home returning when they have sorted their manners. What do you say when your mum calls him a temporary partner? You need to be able to say how hurtful that is and to tell her to stop. My in laws disliked me - similar reasons actually. We are good friends as now but haven’t always been. They don’t get to chose where you live or how you live. You are an individual - as a parent I expect to support my children not to get them to support me so I don’t tantrum.

I would call your parents out directly just you and them. Ask them if they are picking up on something. If they say you’re different since you’re with him, ask them how? And evaluate whether you think you’re different in a good way (from your post he sounds supportive). Pick your battles but here I think you have to challenge them early and point out they have been rude and that you come as a package deal and you’re disappointed in their reaction to a different way of being. I’ve had similar situations in my family and sometimes they need a shake to realise it’s your choice and different is a good thing.

Your parents sound rude AF. What did you say when they said your DP is just your 'partner for now'? I'd tear a strip off somebody who said that to me, it's so infantilising and demeaning, as though you don't know your own mind.

You say your DP has given you lots more confidence and been very supportive; did your parents benefit before from you having low confidence? Like maybe you used to rely on them more and they liked having you depend on them like a child.

Like the poster with the cheese cat above I wonder at how your childhood relationships worked out and whether you might benefit from a bit of time unpicking your family dynamics with someone professional. It’s not healthy to think you need to let something important go to make them feel more comfortable in their prejudice and ignorance.

How awful if your family fuck your great relationship. This isn’t about your needs but theirs. My in-laws wanted someone more local and less outgoing. They disliked my politics, hobbies and career. They were rude and sulked and didn’t visit so their relationship with their son dwindled. As life has brought the usual mash up of ill health, critical moments and stuff they have seen how good we are together and how he is at the heart of what I do. Their other son married the person they would have chosen - what a disaster that has been.

My family hate my dh

They think he’s controlling when actual fact he’s helped me stick up for myself

I was the walkover and handy babysitter for my sister whenever she wanted to fuck off out

Until I met my dh, I couldn’t say no.

I now have a backbone and yeah they hate him for it.

Of course they would never admit to that. However, we rarely speak. They don’t see my children or if they do, they prefer my daughter over my son who is the spitting image of dh.

So we don’t bother with them.

It’s sad yeah, because I thought I was close to my mum, but at the same time, I’m happy with what I’ve got

Thanks for all the replies - lots to think about!

In response to a few questions:
In terms of the not inviting him thing, it's happened three times and each time it's been "oh, I didn't think it was his kind of thing." Which I kinda accepted the first time (family Christening) but now is getting me a little stressed anytime I know an event is coming up.

Yep, you're probably right about me being a little dramatic about giving them up. It's just that this is really getting to me and despite all the threads on here, I really struggle to see how this situations work longer term!

I do stick up for him and have tried the whole, act as if what they're saying is so ridiculous it has to be a joke so my DM calls him my temporary partner and I laugh and say like you and Dad? Haha. The thing is, he doesn't seem to sense any hostility which makes me feel even more guilty.

My DS is the golden child but I'm not overly bothered by this. Shes mid 20s and still lives at home and my parents do a lot for her. Her DP moved in a few years ago (childhood sweethearts too!) and they and my parents seem very happy. That was never going to be for me and I've enjoyed living in different places etc. Also, my parents have done a lot for me, I never wanted for anything as a kid and they've given me great role models and cheered me on at every step.

The friends point is an interesting one. He's met most of my friends now and they all seem to get on. I have been a little hesitant about introducing him because of my family's reaction and think that is still probably playing a role on some level

I'd sit down and have a proper chat with your parents and just ask to have an honest conversation about him. Say you won't be insulted, you'd just like to understand what they think of him. Being posh, having a different accent, his hair or clothes - are all red herrings. Ask them what they really don't take to in him. And if it that just that superficial stuff then at least you can call them out on it.

It mainly seems to be supposition and conjecture.

What have your family actually said about your DP?

I think sitting down and asking them straight out is probably going to have to be the way to go which was my gut feeling. As everything has been relatively low key (e.g. no ones been mean to his face or had any arguments etc) I feel like they're going to fake ignorance and it's going to get pretty hairy.

The thing is they are really lovely parents. I love them, I trust them, I still go to them for guidance on stuff. I dont always follow their advice and they've always been fine with that but this feels like an issue that is bubbling which makes me really sad.

It would be 100% easier if they loved or even liked him

Sounds like your family has a bit of a chip on their shoulder and they think you’re getting ideas above your station by being with him!