What do you do if your family don't like your DP?

[Tatty101]

Hey all, I need some help in sorting out my thoughts if anyone's around?

Background:
I've been with my DP for 3ish years, been living together for just over a year. We're both early 30s, no kids yet. I met him while working in another city and he's great. Ambitious, intelligent, in a good job, tells me he loves me a lot, challenges me, interests me and I love him. However, he is very different than the type of guy I'd usually go for and he's from a different part of the country than my parents. He also comes from a wealthier background than me or my family - this comes across in the clothes he wears and his accent but he's never mentioned money/finances to my family (or to anyone while I've been around!) and I actually earn more than him now.

Issue:
My parents dont seem to like my DP. They are very different people but my DP has a lot of respect for my parents. Yet my parents are always making little remarks about the way he dresses or his hair or his accent etc.

I love my parents, we're a very close family and honestly, I dont know where I'd be without them. I've moved around a bit in the last few years (before I met DP and since) and my DM in particular wants me to move closer to home which I know and I think she almost blames him for me not being closer to home? I've made it very clear that it's my choice (and have moved a little closer) but she seems to think it's all down to him. It's got to the stage where I dont want to invite him to family things because I know my family will be awkward around him. He seems to have no idea and generally likes to see them.

There's been two "hiccups" which are the only things I can think of that may have contributed: 1) we were at a family wedding last year and after a few drinks everyone was winding my DM up about my little sister who is the golden child. Nothing mean, more "can she even use the washing machine yet?" My DP (foolishly!) joined in and said something about me being really independent and my DS being totally different. My DM mentioned to me the next week that it had bothered her and my DP apologised, explained he'd had a few drinks, hadnt meant to upset anyone and was just trying to get involved with the wider family he hadnt met previously. He bought her a bottle of wine to say sorry and we all thought this was the end of it.

2. my DP stayed with me at my parents for a family occasion, with permission of course. We were playing a family game and it was 6 on one side and just my DP and I on the other (we'd played the game previously). He did get a little competitive and didn't want to give the dice up to the other side. We all laughed and he admitted he was being an idiot and again, that was the end of it.

We're looking at buying our own home next year (dependent on Covid!) but I'm really concerned about this issue with my parents. They want me to buy a house by myself instead of with him, they don't invite him to family holidays/parties and there is a constant undercurrent of comments about how different my DP is or how weird his family are because they sent my parents a Xmas Xmas despite never having met them. My DM in particular keeps referring to him as my "partner for now".

On one hand, I trust my family and if they're sending something that I'm not picking up on, maybe I should listen? But on the other, I know he's different than what they're used to but he's been so good in building my self confidence and supporting my career and personal goals.

So, thoughts? Would these things bother you? How much reliance do you put on what your family think of new partners? Any feedback/thoughts extremely welcome!

@Crunchymum so far we've had:

• numerous comments about his hair not being "manly" (he has longer hair), why doesn't he get it cut, encouraging my 3 year old relative to call it "girl hair"

• not inviting him to events but inviting my siblings' OHs

• calling him my partner for now

• anytime anything expensive (e.g. holidays) comes up it's very much "oh your OH is probably the expert on that, what would we working class people know?"

• they've said his career plans are ridiculous and he wont be able to "properly support me" (despite us both being in professional careers and me earning more than him)

• they never mentioned anything about the area he was from before I brought him home but now there's constant jokes about stuck up everyone from there is etc.

• my DM constantly tries to update me on my ex and encourages me to meet up with him. I'm grey rocking this at the min.

• he has a hobby which they say is odd and why cant he be "more normal and like footy like every other guy"

• since the wedding incident, my DM says constantly that he doesn't get on with my DS which I can't see any evidence of and my DS says she likes him and thinks he's good for me

Nothing horrendous on it's own but lots of sly digs which is giving me the very clear impression they dont like him.

Sorry but if you were my DP and parents behaved like that and you allowed it I would dump you. It's clear your parents have a working class chip on their shoulders. They are rude about your DP, exclude him from events and you laugh with your DM when she says he is your DP for now. Time for you to snip the umbilical cord and decide if your happy with your DP and stop allowing your Parents to be assholes

Could they be intimidated by him if they perceive him as "higher class" than them and that they can't be themselves around him?

Your parents so jealous and pretty horrible op!! It doesn't sound like anything he can do would meet their approval.

What is the hobby by the way?

@sunflowersandtulips50 thanks for your response. I think you've misunderstood - I laugh AT my DM when she says he's temporary. And I know I need to make a decision and have it out with them hence me asking for impressions and thoughts on how much you trust your closest family and friends' judgements over your own. Thanks for your thoughts

@JMAngel1 maybe? He has different experiences although very similar politics and I've never seen them massively disagree on anything when face to face but my DM is still in the mindset that the house needs to be super clean etc for her to visit as she would for a guest as opposed to my siblings' partners for example

Quite frankly each and every example you have given seem like this is 100% your families issue.... and it sounds like its spear headed by your mother?

It's actually quite nasty. They are criticising his appearance, his family (you mentioned your mother bemoaning the fact his folks sent them an Xmas gift? Which I think is incredibly thoughful), his hometown, his job, his hobby. This is absolutely not on.

And the poor guy is buying your mum bottles of wine to appease her?

How much does he know about what is going on?

@oliviabenson thanks for the response. Honestly, they're nice people usually, we have a level of banter but I've never seen them be cruel before which is what is making me second guess myself here.

The hobby is painting. He enjoys it, he's fairly good it and he spends some time each week doing it. I run so it balances out time wise. I think if he did have more in common with my parents though it might be easier for them to have more to talk about and bond over?

Not one single example you listed above is a slight on your DP.

How rude are your family!!!
Seriously you need to have it out with them.
If they don't like him they need to tell you why. Then you need to make it clear if you're staying with him, they need to cut the crap with the haircut comments and non invites.

@Crunchymum I would say my Mother is the ringleader although my Dad backs her up. My Mum was fairly close to my ex and I know she was upset by the split but that was years ago now.

Yeah, my DP and I spent last Xmas with my family and his parents sent some presents up for him to open on the day and a small gift and card to my parents. My parents thought it was weird because they havent met yet and my DM keeps saying "why would I meet them?"

I dont think he knows at all. He says he likes both of them but thinks he has more to say to my Dad as they drink the same alcohol and have similar reading tastes.

I want to sort it before he does realise anything as I wouldn't want this to hurt him.

No, I don’t listen to my parents at all. If I want to do something I do it. Maybe sometimes with hindsight I’ll wish I did take their advice but I’d rather learn life lessons of my own accord. Your family sound absolutely horrible, narrow minded, judgemental and a bit thick to be honest.

Everything you’re saying here indicates it’s your family with the issues, not your poor DP. Unspeakably rude..

@Crunchymum interesting view thank you.

As I said earlier in the thread, there were two instances where I think he overstepped the mark slightly. One at the family wedding and one where he got a little competitive over a game so he's not perfect but I'm the most competitive person on the planet so I'm pretty sure him having a moment and then apologising wouldn't cause all this? Which is what makes me think they're seeing something I'm not.

A sit down sounds like the way forward which honestly, I'm dreading but it's pretty inevitable at this stage I think

This sounds really horrendous of them OP. From what they're saying, it sounds like a PP is right and they are intimidated by the fact that he is from a wealthier family. Which is shockingly judgemental - those comments are truly awful when it sounds like he has been nothing but nice to them. That bottle of wine thing - why on earth was your mother offended by that in the first place?!

I would have a sit down chat with them but write out specific events - like you did above - so you have examples and you don't forget in the stress of the moment. This sounds like their own prejudice and they need to pull their heads out of their arses.

Your family sound weirdly codependent: your sister's DP moving in with your parents, your parents thinking they have any business at all being rude to your DP. It is toxic. You thinking you'll have to break up with your DP because of your parents dislike shows how enmeshed you are in the dynamic, even though you might not see it. You are an adult.

Your parents might have been lovely and kind while you stayed in your box, but now your DP is here, with his long hair, and painting, and graciousness; their reaction to him is ugly.

You need to read them the riot act.

I'd be quite clear with them that they were going to get this one chance to tell you absolutely honestly, gloves off, what they think and why. After that, they need to find their manners.

Thanks again for all the advice - it's so useful to have an outside view.

@FaceOfASpink this is what I'm thinking of doing but then worrying that if we do do gloves off, no holds barred, that it'll make things even more awkward when anything to do with my DP comes up in the future.

Does anyone find keeping their family and DP fairly separate in their lives workable? I visit (in normal times) for a weekend a month and video call every week and my DP comes with me on a visit say 4 times ish a year so it's not like we live in each other's pockets.

The other thing is, they're never rude to him directly. It's always once hes left or when he's not around

It sounds as though your family are quite difficult - I would hate the feeling of walking on eggshells around them because of DP. Could it be that their horizons are quite narrow and they have not met many people outside their own circles? He sounds a good guy. If you love him, tell them that he is your choice and they need to either welcome him, or get over it and see less of you.

I was expecting this thread to be full of red flags. Instead ot sounds like they are reverse snobs and feel uncomfortable/ inadequate or something

Okay... my parents don’t like my brother in law but they treat him with respect and make him feel welcome no matter how much he rubs their feathers the wrong way... because my sister chose him and he makes her happy.

My mother was nasty to my new partner as she worshipped the floor my exh walked on. I told her that she either treated him with respect or we will stop visiting her. She became nicer and things got better.

My partner’s ex in-laws and my ex in-laws treated us dreadfully and made us feel unwelcome without our other halves ever questioning their mothers’ dreadful behaviour. We are now both happily divorced and together with other people 🙂

Stand by your husband, the only way they will ever be nice to him is when you protect him from that stupid behaviour, they cannot possibly write him off over such stupid little things.

How many previous serious relationships have you had @Tatty101 ?

I wonder if this is more about your family not wanting to 'lose' you to anyone rather than about your DP specifically? Your parents do sound a little clingy...

I think you need a straightforward conversation with them. He's a kind man that loves and supports you and if their biggest objections are his clothes and his accent rather than how he treats you, then they're narrow minded bigots

That doesn’t make it any better OP, unless they have any valid reason to have a problem with him that doesn’t involve the length of his hair or his accent 🙄 then they’re just putting you under pressure to “choose them”. It’s insidious, and really nasty.

@sunshinesheila thanks for your response. Honestly, he's really good to me and is 100% better than my last relationship. I feel supported, I feel special (as corny as it sounds!) and I feel like we have similar goals for the future. I've watched him put everything on hold to help me out when I've been ill and he's very respectful of the time I spend with my friends and family.

I mean, he's not perfect. He has a terrible habit of leaving the cap off the toothpaste and he's an only child so can get a little single-minded at times but nothing that has concerned or worried me at all. I'm still almost waiting for the other shoe to drop myself but it's been over 3 years!

Disliking someone is fine, but you have to make sure you don’t show it.

Is your mum possibly intimidates for him and feeling a bit inferior? She may be worried that in a few years you will see her as not good enough. She may also feel that you have been stolen by your partner.

It is awkward, my boyfriends parents don’t like me (but were really nice to me and my son when we visited in January, and if they called when he was here they would make a point of saying hello to my son if it was a video call), they’re a bit racist and they’re homophobic, they have told my boyfriend his physical disability is his punishment for being gay. So not great beliefs, but they absolutely made sure not to show it to me or my son, in their own way they are trying their best to accept the situation. They don’t know hes moved in, that’ll be a tricky conversation.

You need to have a proper discussion about this with both of your parents, even if they still dislike him then fine you can’t change that. But they have no excuse to be rude etc. Do they realise if this carries on you may eventually stop visiting altogether? If you go on to have children do they want to be active grandparents etc.