What do you do if your family don't like your DP?

[Tatty101]

Hey all, I need some help in sorting out my thoughts if anyone's around?

Background:
I've been with my DP for 3ish years, been living together for just over a year. We're both early 30s, no kids yet. I met him while working in another city and he's great. Ambitious, intelligent, in a good job, tells me he loves me a lot, challenges me, interests me and I love him. However, he is very different than the type of guy I'd usually go for and he's from a different part of the country than my parents. He also comes from a wealthier background than me or my family - this comes across in the clothes he wears and his accent but he's never mentioned money/finances to my family (or to anyone while I've been around!) and I actually earn more than him now.

Issue:
My parents dont seem to like my DP. They are very different people but my DP has a lot of respect for my parents. Yet my parents are always making little remarks about the way he dresses or his hair or his accent etc.

I love my parents, we're a very close family and honestly, I dont know where I'd be without them. I've moved around a bit in the last few years (before I met DP and since) and my DM in particular wants me to move closer to home which I know and I think she almost blames him for me not being closer to home? I've made it very clear that it's my choice (and have moved a little closer) but she seems to think it's all down to him. It's got to the stage where I dont want to invite him to family things because I know my family will be awkward around him. He seems to have no idea and generally likes to see them.

There's been two "hiccups" which are the only things I can think of that may have contributed: 1) we were at a family wedding last year and after a few drinks everyone was winding my DM up about my little sister who is the golden child. Nothing mean, more "can she even use the washing machine yet?" My DP (foolishly!) joined in and said something about me being really independent and my DS being totally different. My DM mentioned to me the next week that it had bothered her and my DP apologised, explained he'd had a few drinks, hadnt meant to upset anyone and was just trying to get involved with the wider family he hadnt met previously. He bought her a bottle of wine to say sorry and we all thought this was the end of it.

2. my DP stayed with me at my parents for a family occasion, with permission of course. We were playing a family game and it was 6 on one side and just my DP and I on the other (we'd played the game previously). He did get a little competitive and didn't want to give the dice up to the other side. We all laughed and he admitted he was being an idiot and again, that was the end of it.

We're looking at buying our own home next year (dependent on Covid!) but I'm really concerned about this issue with my parents. They want me to buy a house by myself instead of with him, they don't invite him to family holidays/parties and there is a constant undercurrent of comments about how different my DP is or how weird his family are because they sent my parents a Xmas Xmas despite never having met them. My DM in particular keeps referring to him as my "partner for now".

On one hand, I trust my family and if they're sending something that I'm not picking up on, maybe I should listen? But on the other, I know he's different than what they're used to but he's been so good in building my self confidence and supporting my career and personal goals.

So, thoughts? Would these things bother you? How much reliance do you put on what your family think of new partners? Any feedback/thoughts extremely welcome!

You are an adult, your parents opinion is irrelevant OP!

Sorry haven't read the full thread but from what I've read it seems to be their problem. each time they slag him off you need to pull them up on it instead of laughing it off, its disrespectful to your dp and its letting them get away with it. Tell them straight to pack it in. If my dh didn't stick up for me especially in these circumstances then he would no longer be my dh.

I also wouldn't go to family events he has purposely been excluded from either when they have no good reason for it imo. If you genuinely see a future with him, you need to have his back and be loyal imo

I had the same with my parents (as did my sil) I’m from the north, my DH isn’t. I think my mum basically wanted me to either marry a local lad and live practically next door or marry a rich French chateau owning bloke. I did neither, marrying a guy from the centre of the country.

Then I moved to the other end of the country and have not been forgiven by the wider family. My brother lived near me til he emigrated, his wife is-shock, horror-a southerner and at one point after a row (my retired parents wanted to come down when both DHs were on night shift and we collectively said no), there was vitriolic talk of ‘southerners’.

I’ve never confronted them, we live 5 hours away and only once have I raised it with my mum who avoided a direct answer. However, 22 years of marriage later, she bangs on about how lucky she is with her in-laws. Bonkers.

Ultimately, OP, you’re happy with your DP. Unless you live in your parents’ pockets, stop worrying, although I would properly go mental at your mum just the once when she makes her shitty comments. She’s being ‘mum knows best” which is stupid, she doesn’t get to choose your partner, nor does she know what”s best for you.

On one hand, I trust my family and if they're sending something that I'm not picking up on, maybe I should listen?

You’ve put your family on a pedestal here. Your mother - and it’s she who seems to be driving this - can simultaneously have been a great mother but also it doesn’t mean she’s a great oracle with regard to what’s best for you. Having a close relationship with you doesn’t mean that she’s not capable of human qualities of narrow-mindedness, reverse snobbery and insecurity.

She seems to be trying to pull you back into her world, you need to work out whether that’s where you want to stay as well. At the moment you’re stepping out of her comfort zone and she can’t or won’t adapt. If she really is as great as you say, she’ll step up, stop with the snideness and support you.

Yes I agree it sounds like they wanted or expected you to stay close to home and here is your DP taking you in a different direction.

You wanted to go in a different direction anyway, but it’s easier for them to blame it on him and that way they can hope that if you split up, back you will come to live down the road.

Plus a whole portion of chips.

I'd stop laughing it off and minimising their comments OP.
They sound toxic and I'd be taking a big step back. Theyve decided for whatever reason that they're not keen and resorting to low tactics to put a wedge between you which you're allowing.
It's your choice who you have for a partner and they should he happy for you.
It really sounds like them, not him and if I were him I'd be feeling pretty fed up now.

On the two occasions you’ve mentioned, I don’t your OH did overstep the mark actually. And I totally agree with other posters, your mother is an inverted snob with an inferiority complex who clearly has issues with you leaving home. Odd. But don’t let that ruin your chance of happiness, as your OH, and your relationship, sounds very good. So it’s definitely worth making it clear to your Mother, and family, that you’re not happy with these ongoing negative comments. Plus I’d be expecting him to be invited to family get togethers.

You mention your sister being the golden child. Is there any chance your parents are upset that you have changed your life and could be seen as doing ‘better’ than her? Thus upsetting their view of the family dynamic? And blaming your DP for the change in everything they had always assumed?

Sorry if I’m way off, just something that struck me as possible.

Stick up for your DP btw, sounds like a good man

@Tatty101

To clarify, I'm laughing AT my Mum not with her.
Would your partner appreciate the subtlety, if he'd heard, I wonder?

If I were your DP I'd be so hurt and angry that you didn't seem to stand up for me from views which are so narrow minded and mean. The fact that those views and actions were coming from people so close to you, rather than just some acquaintance, would make me feel worse and to ask myself if this is how you yourself truly feel.

Your parents (mother in particular) seem to have made their own plans for you in a world they're more comfortable in. You, on the other hand - and differently to your sister who's conforming to the pattern of life they expect - have pretty much broken away from their comfort zone and living your own life in the way you yourself have chosen, supported by a partner you yourself have chosen. Why do they attribute this to bad influence from your DP and not your own, adult, mature choices?

It's got to the stage where I dont want to invite him to family things because I know my family will be awkward around him.
This is so sad.

How would that work if/when the two of you get married and have children? How will you feel if they are still behaving so badly about the person you love?

He seems to have no idea and generally likes to see them

You have twice said he has no idea about how your parents really feel about him. How are you so sure? He may not have discussed this with you (has he?) but can you really take his ignorance of the situation for granted?

I hope you manage to have an open and honest talk with your parents soon, and everyone comes away with a much more positive outcome for the future. It sounds like you have a difficult conversation ahead of you.

Good luck OP. 🌹

Tatty: "my parents are always making little remarks about the way he dresses or his hair or his accent etc"

Your parents are rude and insensitive to make such remarks, Tatty, and I think you should tell them so. I wonder if they feel defensive because of his background which is really very snobbish and entirely their problem.

There's nothing weird about your partner's parents sending your parents a Christmas card considering you've been together three years. It's a friendly thing to do and they are probably hoping to meet up sooner or later.

Please speak frankly to your parents, get to the bottom of this and let them know how difficult they are making things for you. The fact that your partner likes them makes it worse, it sounds as though he is prepared to do all the work in the relationship.

I get the impression your parents have a big chip. I've seen it before, it takes a while for things like that to dawn on you but once recognised, you see it is unmistakeable. Don't say that to them of course, they'll never admit it but they must know they are being unfair to you and also acknowledge there really isn't anything wrong with your partner.

Buy your house together if you feel it is the right thing to do, it is entirely your business. You're grown up. Mum and dad will come round.

Good luck.

@fabulous40s

I'd sit down and have a proper chat with your parents and just ask to have an honest conversation about him. Say you won't be insulted, you'd just like to understand what they think of him. Being posh, having a different accent, his hair or clothes - are all red herrings. Ask them what they really don't take to in him. And if it that just that superficial stuff then at least you can call them out on it.

Agree with this