What do you do if your family don't like your DP?

[Tatty101]

Hey all, I need some help in sorting out my thoughts if anyone's around?

Background:
I've been with my DP for 3ish years, been living together for just over a year. We're both early 30s, no kids yet. I met him while working in another city and he's great. Ambitious, intelligent, in a good job, tells me he loves me a lot, challenges me, interests me and I love him. However, he is very different than the type of guy I'd usually go for and he's from a different part of the country than my parents. He also comes from a wealthier background than me or my family - this comes across in the clothes he wears and his accent but he's never mentioned money/finances to my family (or to anyone while I've been around!) and I actually earn more than him now.

Issue:
My parents dont seem to like my DP. They are very different people but my DP has a lot of respect for my parents. Yet my parents are always making little remarks about the way he dresses or his hair or his accent etc.

I love my parents, we're a very close family and honestly, I dont know where I'd be without them. I've moved around a bit in the last few years (before I met DP and since) and my DM in particular wants me to move closer to home which I know and I think she almost blames him for me not being closer to home? I've made it very clear that it's my choice (and have moved a little closer) but she seems to think it's all down to him. It's got to the stage where I dont want to invite him to family things because I know my family will be awkward around him. He seems to have no idea and generally likes to see them.

There's been two "hiccups" which are the only things I can think of that may have contributed: 1) we were at a family wedding last year and after a few drinks everyone was winding my DM up about my little sister who is the golden child. Nothing mean, more "can she even use the washing machine yet?" My DP (foolishly!) joined in and said something about me being really independent and my DS being totally different. My DM mentioned to me the next week that it had bothered her and my DP apologised, explained he'd had a few drinks, hadnt meant to upset anyone and was just trying to get involved with the wider family he hadnt met previously. He bought her a bottle of wine to say sorry and we all thought this was the end of it.

2. my DP stayed with me at my parents for a family occasion, with permission of course. We were playing a family game and it was 6 on one side and just my DP and I on the other (we'd played the game previously). He did get a little competitive and didn't want to give the dice up to the other side. We all laughed and he admitted he was being an idiot and again, that was the end of it.

We're looking at buying our own home next year (dependent on Covid!) but I'm really concerned about this issue with my parents. They want me to buy a house by myself instead of with him, they don't invite him to family holidays/parties and there is a constant undercurrent of comments about how different my DP is or how weird his family are because they sent my parents a Xmas Xmas despite never having met them. My DM in particular keeps referring to him as my "partner for now".

On one hand, I trust my family and if they're sending something that I'm not picking up on, maybe I should listen? But on the other, I know he's different than what they're used to but he's been so good in building my self confidence and supporting my career and personal goals.

So, thoughts? Would these things bother you? How much reliance do you put on what your family think of new partners? Any feedback/thoughts extremely welcome!

The other thing is, they're never rude to him directly. It's always once hes left or when he's not around
So they're two-faced, cowardly and cruel and well as dreadful snobs.

Honestly stick with your DP.

What on Earth is wrong with painting?!

The golden child thing, it sounds like your DP sees through them and they are reacting to that.

@Veterinari thanks for your response. Just the one previous serious relationship, and the family loved him. That relationship ended about 5 years ago after a long time. I've dated casually in the interim but my current DP is the first I've brought home since the split.

Well your dp sounds lovely. Your dm, not so much. I dont think you need to go in all guns blazing but a quiet private word when he is not with you might be in order.
I can't think how to word it without sounding antagonistic. Try to talk to them like you would a difficult colleague maybe?
My mum has no say at all in my life choices. She thinks my dh is posh just because he is middle class and has a different accent (not posh just different county). He is not. I'm sure she tells people I put on airs and graces because I went to uni, moved away and have been upwardly mobile.

The thing is OP - if you marry this man he will be your family. You might be fine keeping things fragmented while you're a couple but what about when you have kids? At some point you're going to have to draw your own boundaries.
Have you got longstanding friends? Do they like your DP? As in properly like him?

Your parents are inverted snobs - they cannot tolerate someone who is different from them and probably feel inadequate. I used to live next door to people like that. However nice and reasonable you are, this type will always find something to complain about so that they have an excuse not to engage. It makes them feel better about themselves - so sad. But your DP is a nice guy and should not have to bear the brunt of their inadequacy problems. Don't choose yourfamily over him, if he is right for you.

Going off what your parents are saying about him and his mother I think it’s them that have the issue. Your mother sounds like she feels inferior to him and his mother. Which by the way you should tell his mother never to bother sending them a card again as it’s a waste of good Will and money.

Don’t buy the house with him because your going to subject him to years of misery at the hands of your family and you dithering and not supporting him.

I hope he over hears your mother one day calling him temporary and you laughing at it then he will have a true understanding of what’s going on behind his back.

@simonJT I'm sorry, that sounds like a really tough situation. It may be similar here in that they're never rude to him and will ask him how he is etc. It's just constant off comments to me or in groups when he's not around

@TheMandalorian that sounds like a very similar dynamic! I'm the same, the only one to go to Uni, to move more than 5 miles away etc. At the time, they've always been supportive (going to Open Days with me, helping me move etc) but I think the longer I'm away, the more my DM in particular seems to think I'm staying away because I dont like home? There's a lot of "dont forget where you came from" etc

It sounds like your mum hasn’t got over your ex. And maybe she’s in some way worried about losing you or you changing. Maybe you have changed and she can’t handle it. And blames your partner. However, that’s not your problem. It’s your mum’s. As someone previously said, you need to redefine your relationship with your parents as adults. And not stay in the parent/child roles.

Thing is OP, do you love your DP? Because if you do you wouldn’t allow your parents to put him down like this.

If my DP’s family said these kinds of things about me and he felt torn between us I would make it easy for him by walking away.

It’s all very easy at the moment for them to act like this while you’re not living together. But what about if you do live together, get married, have children? Are you going to be happy for your children’s father to be put down in front of them? Imagine one of your children going back home and repeating to their dad some of the things their grandparents have said about them.

I know you say you don’t want to choose, but TBH I think you need to.

There are a lot of threads on here from posters whose ILS are nasty about them and whose partners won’t stick up for them. The advice then is usually pretty clear....

Be honest with yourself. if your DP turned around to you and said that either you stand up to your parents and tell them they’re in the wrong, not in a jokey way but for real, or he leaves, what would you do?

I wouldn't trust my parents' judgement on boyfriends. Everyone gets a bit flustered with the in-laws at first, I certainly wasn't my best self with mine for the first few years! You know what he's really like.

I also wouldn't put up with your parents not inviting him to things - next time it happens, explain that he is your partner and you expect him to be invited to family events or you won't be attending.

@Evelefteden thank you for your response. To clarify, I'm laughing AT my Mum not with her.

@alternativePerspective thank you for such a detailed response. You make some excellent points. I do love my DP. I also love my parents. One of the first things you see on threads here about difficult times with OHs is "what do your family/friends think of him?" and I know going in to this that there's hostility at least on one side going into this is making me a little nervous. I trust my parents and they've never steered me wrong previously.

I want to make it clear that I do stand up for him. I tell my parents that they're wrong when they talk about people from his part of the country, I tell them I like his hair/accent, I tell them he enjoys his hobby and I support it etc.

@gutentag1 thank you. It's a good point on in laws - I dont think anyone makes the best first impression when meeting the parents!

My parents are a bit like this about my dh and we've been together 21 years now. We would go spend a weekend with them think everything was ok, get home and within the next couple of days I would get a phone call about how awful he was because he had said something they disagreed with, or didn't like that he had gone to visit his friend, or that he'd held his knife and fork wrong (he didn't). It escalated after we had our son and mum got very rude and became very blatant constantly criticised & contradicted him about or son and on a couple of occasions ordered him from the house. I did confront her about her behavior and she always apologised to me, not him. It came to a massive head and we didn't speak for a year.

We are now at the point where my husband will pop in and see them occasionally to say hello, but he has not stayed with them from that day to this. My mum brings it up every now and then, I remind her of her despicable behavior, she denies it all and then moves on.

When asked directly, why they don't like him they assure me that contrary to all evidence, they do!

My own view is that mum is very possessive of me and my time and she hated that I was not as immediately available to her because I now had a family of my own. I had been trying to break free for years and dh gave me the strength to recognise that I could do it, she hated that.

I guess what I am trying to say is, that even if you ask they may not be straight with you and so you need to decide whether you can accept that. It is perfectly possible to keep lives separate, but I have to say that if my dh was excluded from family weddings, parties etc, I would not go and you do need to let your parents know the consequences of their choices.

Inverted snobbery which often comes from insecurity. I would have a chat with them about it and maintain your great relationship with them. And hopefully things will settle. Overall though, you know best who makes you happy and always follow your own path!

I have to say, I wouldn't be tolerating this. If they kept missing my partner off invitations then I wouldn't go. I would pull them up on the partner for now thing too. They sound really rude.

I suspect they wanted you to live close, have children and be what they expected. They don't like him because he is different to them and is taking you into a different type of life than they imagined.

You are an adult. They can have their opinions but they don't have any say in partners and they don't get to be rude.

I just saw the bit about painting. Wtaf. My husband is an artist. My mum thinks it is great. Also they sound hugely sexist with the hair and him supporting you.

Wow. Your DP sounds wonderful.

It does sound as if your mum is still wanting you to settle with your ex - was he local by any chance @Tatty101 ?

I do think it's about clinging on to you and their 'local' life, rather than your DP per se

One of my life's regrets is allowing my family to push away my EX, we had fun and I was becoming a better, more outgoing version of myself. I allowed them to get in between us and I ended it, I haven't found anyone since and I want the happiness I felt with him back.

I'll never do it again.

Your DM sounds insecure & ignorant.

Your DP sounds lovely. Your parents don’t.

Your DP’s difference in background seems to trigger a huge inferiority complex in your DM in particular. She obviously isn’t comfortable with someone who doesn’t fit in with her own social experience.

Your DM seems to regard your DP as a sophisticated alien who is preventing you from remaining anchored to your background, unlike your sister’s DP who has slipped seamlessly into the family dynamic and is reassuringly familiar. She is probably afraid that she’ll lose her influence on you and you will become like your DP, i.e. middle class, and that you will grow away from her.

Your DM’s reverse snobbery is preventing her from being happy that you have found such a lovely and supportive partner.

What MN would usually say in this situation is that he doesn't have an in-law problem, he has a partner problem. OP, read what @AquaBlue says above. Is that what you want for the rest of your life?

What MN would usually say in this situation is that he doesn't have an in-law problem, he has a partner problem

My point exactly, while you allow your family to exclude your partner and treat him like that YOU are the problem. Grow a pair and stop your parents’ nasty behaviour, nothing he can do can improve their behaviour towards him, the only one who can stop this nonsense is YOU.

Thanks again for everyone's thoughts.

Again, at this stage my DP has no idea my family have any reservations and they are always polite to him. As I said earlier, the reason I posted this thread was to get some thoughts about handling the situation as I intend to sort it out before it gets to a stage where my DP might find out as I wouldn't want him hurt.

I have pushed back, but it doesn't seem to have stopped the low level remarks and meanness and therefore i intend to have a proper sit down with my parents. I have no intention of bringing my DP into any of this and would be appalled and furious if anyone was rude to him, let alone my family members.

Thanks again for everyone's thoughts

Good Luck Tatty & keep us updated.

Your family sound horrible I am afraid to say OP.

My MIL struggled with me and my sister in law (BIL's wife) to start with. She struggled with the fact that her sons had their own lives and had moved away from home, to the other side of the country. Although they had moved before they met us, she blamed us for taking them away, it was even worse when we had DC.

It was very different to what she had imagined life would be when her sons grew up. MIL lived down the road from her parents, her friends were exactly the same. She assumed her sons would do the same. Instead they moved many hundreds of miles away

We get on reasonably well now. But it was hard.

I would not want to be your DP.

I assume your DM is similar to my MIL. She likes the fact that your sister still lives at home and even better her DP moved in too. Obviously your DP will not be doing that. I assume your ex was local and possibly moved in similar circles.

I understand it is difficult to see your parents being the bad guys. DH really struggled with his DM's behaviour as he had never had any problems with her when he lived at home, but he did admit to me that she had never liked his girlfriends once he left home. It took a long time before he could bring himself to talk to her about it. She didn't take it well, but she did finally realise that she hadn't behaved well and toned down her comments (think she just moaned to her friends instead!)