Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Boyfriend slept with someone I don't like!

93 replies

Dustydolly · 07/07/2020 08:39

Hi really need some advice please!

I got back together with an ex boyfriend last December, we'd been split up about 18 months, before we got back together we laid our cards on the table, decided to start fresh, we were honest (or so I thought) with each other and said we'd both had a brief relationship with one other person during our time apart, which is fine as obviously we were both single and free to date others.
Everything's been going great so far until last week I found out he was also sleeping with a girl that has previously cheated behind my back with my partner from a few years ago and she ended up pregnant by him. Obviously this girl is a sore subject for me, granted it was many years ago and I have got over that relationship but still!
My partner knows I was cheated on but didn't know it was with this girl, it's a complete coincidence that it happens to be her.
I'm angry that he lied, he said he lied and didn't tell me about her because he was ashamed as she has a reputation for sleeping about! He says it's in the past and I shouldn't be bothered about it, that what we did when we weren't together is none of my concern and we need to concentrate on the future. I don't think he's understanding it's not what he did but with who! I feel sick thinking of him with her, its brought up a lot of ghosts that I had laid to rest.
Am I justified in my feelings? I'm trying to understand it from his point of view but at the moment I don't feel I can be with him.

OP posts:
ElizabethMainwaring · 07/07/2020 08:43

Hi. I don't think that it's going to work. Sorry.
It rarely works second time around, and adding this girl to the mix will just make it worse.
I would end it now as I think that it's inevitable Flowers

OneNightTimeMenaceStrikesBack · 07/07/2020 08:50

I think your boyfriends right, what he did and with who when you were NOT together really is none of your concern. Its just an unlucky coincidence that its the same girl and he wasnt to know that it was her.

If you can't let this go and accept that him sleepign with her while you were apart and both seeing other people, then you need to let him go and both of you move on and be with someone else when the time is right. I do understand this particular woman brings up bad feelings for you but unless he KNEW who she was, the history there and slept with her deliberately just to get at you, i dont think you have a leg to stand on being upset and angry with him tbh. How would you feel if the boot was ont he other foot and you'd slept with someone he didn't like? would you expect him to move past it or would you be willing to sacrifice your relationship to prove a point? good luck whatever you decide to do

coffeewithmilk · 07/07/2020 08:51

You have every right to be justified in your feelings. I would be the exact same.
If I was in your position, I don't think I would be able to be with your boyfriend anymore.
Purely because I don't think I'd be able to get over that he slept with the other girl.
I would feel like I am a laughing stock for this other girl, she's slept with two of the men you've been in relationships with but you've gotten back together with one - I just couldn't do that. It would feel wrong for me.

It's a tough situation to be in as you were on a break or weren't together at the time, but I wouldn't be able to see past that.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
DM1209 · 07/07/2020 08:51

Why is she the one with the 'reputation for sleeping about' - your boyfriend seems to have a very low opinion of women, especially one he deemed worthy enough to go to bed with.

Your relationship is not going to work long term unless you actually mean it when you say, 'I'm over it'. Perhaps couples counselling would be an option to help you work through you feelings.

Ultimately, whatever he did when you were together is nothing to do with you, regardless of who he did it with. Question remains, if you can truly get over it or not.

DM1209 · 07/07/2020 08:52

What he did when you were not together is nothing to do with you**

PerfectPenquins · 07/07/2020 08:57

Well he is a liar to start with, you had supposedly been honest with each other for a fresh start. He wasnt so the new relationship started off with deceit. Also he is a twat. So he reckons this girl has a reputation for sleeping around yet that's what hes done by having sex with her, what disgusting pig he is. You can do better, drop him and his lies and find genuine happiness.

LaGoulueRevenue · 07/07/2020 08:58

It's his attitude towards being ashamed not because of his own actions, but because the woman has 'a reputation' for 'sleeping about' that would be the dumping offence, the final nail in the coffin for me.
There's no room for logic where feelings are concerned. If you're wounded, then you're wounded. I don't think it's the type of thing you'll suddenly get over. Thanks

Zhampagne · 07/07/2020 09:00

So he cheated on the woman that he was ‘officially’ seeing during this break but the reason that he didn’t tell you is because the third woman ‘has a reputation for sleeping around’? Does he realise the hypocrisy of this?!

He sounds like an absolute prince. If he cheated on someone else he is capable of cheating on you.

Nihiloxica · 07/07/2020 09:02

So he lies to you and is sexist.

Isthisfairornot · 07/07/2020 09:03

Oh dear, this post reads like an episode of Jeremy Kyle. I’d walk away from him and find a new social network if l was you OP.

Original poster
Dustydolly · 07/07/2020 09:08

No he didn't cheat. We weren't together for roughly 18 months he slept with two other women in this period. I didn't say he cheated on either of them or me. And like I have said it's not what he did, I also had a brief relationship in the time apart too. It's who it was, I have got over the past relationship but obviously this girl brings up some horrific memories of being cheated on. I'm entitled to have a low opinion of her, she slept with my boyfriend at the time knowing he was in a relationship with me, they were both disgusting to do it but he's completely out the picture now but she's now being dragged in to my current relationship!

OP posts:
ElizabethMainwaring · 07/07/2020 09:11

Just dump him op.

Nihiloxica · 07/07/2020 09:12

But your boyfriend also has a low opinion of her, because she is a loose woman.

So he has sex with women he thinks are slags and then lies about it.

He sounds gross, but if you are into dishonest, sexist men...

Sally872 · 07/07/2020 09:14

It is none of your business as you had split. If you openly asked him he should have told you or said I don't want to discuss that rather than lying/omitting this girl.

Not telling you because he is embarrassed by her "reputation" is disgusting. She is good enough to sleep with so long as nobody knows? I could not be with someone who judged women like that, especially the double standard of judging her for having sex yet having sex with her. A user and a hypocrite.

WB205020 · 07/07/2020 09:15

@Zhampagne
Where does it say he cheated on anyone......OP just says he was also slept with another woman in addition to the person he had a brief relationship with. He did nothing wrong in doing that.

The only thing questionable is not being honest about there being another person whilst they were not together. That said 18 months is a long time and if the roles were reversed and a woman had posted about this I suspect the verdict would be he needs to get over it and he has no right to be upset about it. Its none of his business etc. The same applies this way round. The only thing OP needs to workout is if she can move past the fact of who it was he slept with. If she can't then move on but he has done nothing wrong here.

Janaih · 07/07/2020 09:16

I was exhausted just reading that. End it, save yourself a lot of drama and upset.

SnuggyBuggy · 07/07/2020 09:16

This doesn't sound like the basis of a good relationship to me, I'd cut your losses

Zhampagne · 07/07/2020 09:17

Apologies - OP said that he had a relationship and was also sleeping with another woman. I wrongly assumed that they were concurrent.

Sally872 · 07/07/2020 09:17

I understand why you don't like this woman as you have been hurt.

But current boyfriend didn't know that, he lied based on her reputation which is what most people are objecting to, certainly the biggest issue for me.

Zhampagne · 07/07/2020 09:19

The only thing questionable is not being honest about there being another person whilst they were not together.

This would be the thing for me, though. If you don’t start the renewed relationship with total honesty then I don’t see it getting better from there 🤷🏼‍♀️

BilboBercow · 07/07/2020 09:22

I'd put aside your feelings for this particular woman op and examine what this has shown you about his attitude to women in general.

HellonHeels · 07/07/2020 09:24

Too much of a mess. And he judges women for having sex.

Dump.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/07/2020 09:25

Just dump. You are wasting your time really anyway as this won't work. You'll soon be another 18 months down the line after finishing with him again thinkng 'why did I waste that time?'

You've already split once, he's 'ashamed' of sleeping with someone with a 'reputation' (he'd be gone for that bit of misogyny tbh) so he lied to you, now this girl is in the mix... end it!

WB205020 · 07/07/2020 09:26

@Zhampagne
I agree.....it would be a sting if you found this out later on. My thought was that perhaps OP said she had a brief relationship whilst they were separated and he felt admitting to 1 would 'match OPs one and therefore they would be equal but admitting to another would upset OP. Pure speculation but if that's the case there maybe more than those 2.

Either way I think you have to draw a line. No one has a right to know someone's number of previous sexual partners or even who they were. It seems a coincidence this other person being who she was. Either you accept they were single and start afresh or you can't and split and move on. Letting the past determine the path of the relationship will doom it to failure.

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/07/2020 09:27

I'd just ask if you're actually sure you've overcome the issues that drove you to break up for eighteen months.

People don't usually change that much once they are adult. Unless you broke up because one of you moved abroad or for other geographical reasons, ask yourself whether you really want to be with someone you've already broken up with once.