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Original poster

Boyfriend slept with someone I don't like!

93 replies

Dustydolly · 07/07/2020 08:39

Hi really need some advice please!

I got back together with an ex boyfriend last December, we'd been split up about 18 months, before we got back together we laid our cards on the table, decided to start fresh, we were honest (or so I thought) with each other and said we'd both had a brief relationship with one other person during our time apart, which is fine as obviously we were both single and free to date others.
Everything's been going great so far until last week I found out he was also sleeping with a girl that has previously cheated behind my back with my partner from a few years ago and she ended up pregnant by him. Obviously this girl is a sore subject for me, granted it was many years ago and I have got over that relationship but still!
My partner knows I was cheated on but didn't know it was with this girl, it's a complete coincidence that it happens to be her.
I'm angry that he lied, he said he lied and didn't tell me about her because he was ashamed as she has a reputation for sleeping about! He says it's in the past and I shouldn't be bothered about it, that what we did when we weren't together is none of my concern and we need to concentrate on the future. I don't think he's understanding it's not what he did but with who! I feel sick thinking of him with her, its brought up a lot of ghosts that I had laid to rest.
Am I justified in my feelings? I'm trying to understand it from his point of view but at the moment I don't feel I can be with him.

OP posts:
Velvian · 07/07/2020 10:25

It's not your business, but I agree with pps that he has some issues with his view of women.

TypingoftheDead · 07/07/2020 10:27

By logical sense I mean it happened when you were apart so shouldn’t have any bearing on your current relationship because she isn’t trying to get involved now. Not in the sense that your other ex cheated with her, therefore you hate her and you’re upset with your current bf who was single when he slept with her.
Wish we had edit button!

MilerVino · 07/07/2020 10:33

I'd put aside your feelings for this particular woman op and examine what this has shown you about his attitude to women in general.

This. I agree with pp - she's good enough to have sex with, then he criticises her for wanting sex. I think you'll find you split up for good reasons, and you'll do the same again.

people are entitled to have sex with whom ever they choose. Enjoying sex with multiple partners doesn’t make you a bad person, if you’re single and not hurting anyone you can do as you please.

I don't think posters are generally disputing this. He was single at the time so it's his business who he sleeps with. It's having sex with someone and then criticising her 'reputation' as a woman who likes having sex which is highly problematic. He is allowed multiple partners - but then so is this other woman.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
DeeTractor · 07/07/2020 10:36

" girl that has previously cheated behind my back with my partner"

She never cheated on you though, did she?

LillianBland · 07/07/2020 10:36

So he slept with a women that he views as immoral, but can’t see what a misogynistic hypocrite that makes him. You need to put the fact that he has slept with her to the side and think about the fact that during your whole, ‘We’ll be honest with each other’ chat, he was lying to you.

Think about it OP, while looking straight at you, he told you that he would be honest with you, while actually in the process of lying to your face.

While swearing to start afresh and claiming to have only slept with one other person, he was lying to you and intending to go into your relationship while still lying.

Set your bar higher, have some self respect and dump the waste of space.

Hanrora06 · 07/07/2020 10:37

Ugh "a reputation for sleeping around" it's 2020 FFS. Men who still say this shit need to be thrown out.

Quarantimespringclean · 07/07/2020 10:38

He was free to sleep with anyone he wanted. Who they were and how many there were is irrelevant.

What is relevant here is that he lied to you. So far you’ve found out about one girl he didn’t mention. I am willing to bet there are more, you just don’t know about them.

That bet is based on his horrendous attitude to the woman he lied about - he is ashamed of sleeping with her because of her reputation? What a double standard. It makes me think there will have been others but they don’t matter enough to him to think them worth mentioning.

Flittingabout · 07/07/2020 10:39

Feelings are complex and multilayered and as you say, it is has opened up some old wounds and triggered past feelings of being lied to and hurt.

I don't think I could cope with every time we had sex thinking the woman who was part of the pain of my past has now touched this man too. It is sad but easier in the long term to cut your losses I think.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/07/2020 10:42

He didn't know who this girl was to you. But frankly that's not really the problem.

"he said he lied and didn't tell me about her because he was ashamed as she has a reputation for sleeping about!"

That says TONS to me about the type of person he is. He'll use a woman as a receptacle for his penis but say he's ashamed about it afterwards because SHE isn't the Virgin Mary? What a hypocrite! And look at his attitude to women - it STINKS. They are to be used and discarded and looked down upon.

He is not a keeper.

BlueJava · 07/07/2020 10:47

I don't think the relationship will work for you. It seems, if I read your post correctly, he didn't cheat on you (because you were separate at the time) but you aren't comfortable with what he's done. Probably best to move on because I can't see this going long haul.

Nihiloxica · 07/07/2020 10:47

@WhereYouLeftIt

He didn't know who this girl was to you. But frankly that's not really the problem.

"he said he lied and didn't tell me about her because he was ashamed as she has a reputation for sleeping about!"

That says TONS to me about the type of person he is. He'll use a woman as a receptacle for his penis but say he's ashamed about it afterwards because SHE isn't the Virgin Mary? What a hypocrite! And look at his attitude to women - it STINKS. They are to be used and discarded and looked down upon.

He is not a keeper.

It's worse than that, even, because he is also saying

"But you are a different kind of woman. A better woman. I only treat snappers this way. Not you."

[Subtext: as long as you behave yourself.]

He thinks you are dumb enough to be flattered that he thinks of this woman as trash.

SoulofanAggron · 07/07/2020 10:48

As a PP said, I think he matched your one involvement with someone else, answering with 'one' because it sounded good.

If you hadn't found out about this second instance you would never have known, so there may well be more.

You're not compatible, hence you split up before.

Now we find he's a liar, a user (he used her despite having a supposedly low opinion of her) and not a nice person with how he talks about people to dig himself out of a hole.

Time for the bin.

2155User · 07/07/2020 10:54

You can’t forgive him.
He didn’t do anything wrong.
It’s really quite simple, you can’t be together.

Silentplikebath · 07/07/2020 11:00

I think you can do a lot better than this man. End the relationship because it’s better to be single than to be with someone who lies to you.

bathsh3ba · 07/07/2020 11:04

You say she 'ended up pregnant' by him. You don't say (unless I missed it) if she decided to terminate the pregnancy or is having his baby. If she is having his baby, she is potentially a part of his life in an ongoing way.

While he didn't 'technically' do anything wrong, it doesn't sound like you can move past it and if they are having a baby together, that is a whole other complication.

Generally speaking I think people break up for a reason and on-off relationships don't very often work out. There are exceptions but I don't think this is one of them.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/07/2020 11:11

I can see why this would upset you so much but he really didn't do anything wrong either. You need to ask yourself can you let it go without holding it against him and if you can't you should probably just call it quits now

AryaStarkWolf · 07/07/2020 11:13

You say she 'ended up pregnant' by him. You don't say (unless I missed it) if she decided to terminate the pregnancy or is having his baby. If she is having his baby, she is potentially a part of his life in an ongoing way.

It was her ex who cheated on her that got pregnant not her current b/f I think?

KeepingPlain · 07/07/2020 11:24

It's doubtful you'll get over this. Walk away, there's better men out there.

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 07/07/2020 11:32

You split up once - for a reason I assume. What was it ? Generally, second goes around are rarely successful.

He did nothing wrong in sleeping with her. It’s not wrong for it to bother you either based on the background. But if he didn’t know the background and didn’t do it to get back at you, it’s just unfortunate and you need to decide if you can get over it without punishing him (although he should be sensitive about it).

However, I echo all the comments above about the type of guy he is. He lied to you about this woman (so is not trustworthy) and judged her for sleeping with him and others (so is a hypocritical misogynistic dinosaur with respect to his attitudes to women, which includes you). Not the kind of guy I’d want to be with.

Knittedfairies · 07/07/2020 11:35

A relationship that works/is going to work is never this hard. Walk away.

willloman · 07/07/2020 11:42

You were on a break.

SnuggyBuggy · 07/07/2020 11:48

@willloman

You were on a break.
Isn't that what they always used to say on Jeremy Kyle? Grin
backseatcookers · 07/07/2020 11:51

I'm angry that he lied, he said he lied and didn't tell me about her because he was ashamed as she has a reputation for sleeping about!

Burn the witch.

Shag her first though, eh?

Your boyfriend sounds like a misogynist. He sleeps with women he regards as 'slags' and then cricitises them for sleeping with men. Like him.

It all sounds very dramatic so unless you're a complete drama llama and enjoy all this, break up and move on.

He's hardly a prize, is he?

MilerVino · 07/07/2020 11:57

Isn't that what they always used to say on Jeremy Kyle?

It was Ross's excuse to Rachel.

Marketgarden · 07/07/2020 11:58

End the relationship. Have some personal self-respect.