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Original poster

Boyfriend slept with someone I don't like!

93 replies

Dustydolly · 07/07/2020 08:39

Hi really need some advice please!

I got back together with an ex boyfriend last December, we'd been split up about 18 months, before we got back together we laid our cards on the table, decided to start fresh, we were honest (or so I thought) with each other and said we'd both had a brief relationship with one other person during our time apart, which is fine as obviously we were both single and free to date others.
Everything's been going great so far until last week I found out he was also sleeping with a girl that has previously cheated behind my back with my partner from a few years ago and she ended up pregnant by him. Obviously this girl is a sore subject for me, granted it was many years ago and I have got over that relationship but still!
My partner knows I was cheated on but didn't know it was with this girl, it's a complete coincidence that it happens to be her.
I'm angry that he lied, he said he lied and didn't tell me about her because he was ashamed as she has a reputation for sleeping about! He says it's in the past and I shouldn't be bothered about it, that what we did when we weren't together is none of my concern and we need to concentrate on the future. I don't think he's understanding it's not what he did but with who! I feel sick thinking of him with her, its brought up a lot of ghosts that I had laid to rest.
Am I justified in my feelings? I'm trying to understand it from his point of view but at the moment I don't feel I can be with him.

OP posts:

StuffThem · 07/07/2020 12:06

So he's now hidden the fact that he's shagged somebody else from you twice, now?

He'll do it a third, and a fourth, and a fifth time. Time you had an STD check and picked your self esteem up higher than him.

By focusing on who she is you're focusing on the wrong thing. Focus on what his behaviour tells you about him.

Chloemol · 07/07/2020 12:11

You are entitled to think what you do, but the sleeping together was done when you were apart. It’s sad that you where prepared to give the relationship another go,but can’t now cope with who he slept with, he didn’t know about her and your previous boyfriend so you have a choice

Get over it or split

willloman · 07/07/2020 12:23

Isn't that what they always used to say on Jeremy Kyle?
Snuggy buggy - yes! And Friends...

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Relationship problems

Crinkle77 · 07/07/2020 12:47

I never understand why people discuss who they’ve slept with in the past with a new partner. Nothing good ever comes of it.

Yeah this. Why did you even have this discussion. What did you hope to get out of it?

rainbringsjoytome · 07/07/2020 12:53

he lied and didn't tell me about her because he was ashamed as she has a reputation for sleeping about!

To be honest I would be more concerned about this highly sexist attitude from him. You can't get more old school misogyny than a man who looks down on women for enjoying sex with different men, but is happy to shag her himself whilst still looking down on her for doing so.

Original poster

Dustydolly · 07/07/2020 13:08

Thanks for all the input.
As much as I probably initially clouded my judgement of his words due to my dislike of her, you are all right, he was happy to sleep with her and obviously wasn't too bothered about her "reputation" seeing as he slept with her numerous times. Saying that I do think he was only trying to tell me what I wanted to hear by trashing her, he generally isn't disrespectful towards woman, I've never heard him make sexist comments before.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dustydolly · 07/07/2020 13:10

Just to add, not saying that's right of course but he obviously panicked about being caught lying and tried to make me feel better by his excuses why he didn't tell me. I agree, it's double standards though.

OP posts:

backseatcookers · 07/07/2020 13:37

This.

You sound very young OP to think that his behaviour doesn't make him a misogynist, you seem to just think it's a defence mechanism. It's still misogynist. It means when he's against the wall, under pressure or uncomfortable, his go-to response is misogyny.

He sounds horrible.

Hopefully you are quite young as I said and this is a learning curve and not someone you'll invest much more time in.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/07/2020 13:40

"It's worse than that, even, because he is also saying

"But you are a different kind of woman. A better woman. I only treat slappers this way. Not you."

[Subtext: as long as you behave yourself.]

He thinks you are dumb enough to be flattered that he thinks of this woman as trash.

That is a very good point @Nihiloxica!

AdaColeman · 07/07/2020 13:53

@Dustydolly Yes, he's telling you what he knows you want to hear, and you are complicit with that, in making excuses for his awful behaviour.

This will all end in tears, probably yours, when he starts treating you without any respect. He isn't a good person.

MilerVino · 07/07/2020 13:53

Sorry OP but it just sounds as if he's making excuses for himself and you're lapping it up. You want to believe he's a good bloke and I don't think anything anybody here says will convince you otherwise.

copperoliver · 07/07/2020 14:09

I'm afraid some men don't think with their brains. Is something is on offer they will take it.
My Nan used to say you don't look at the fireplace when you're poking the fire. X

Notredamn · 07/07/2020 14:13

That's gross, copper.

LillianBland · 07/07/2020 14:19

@copperoliver

I'm afraid some men don't think with their brains. Is something is on offer they will take it. My Nan used to say you don't look at the fireplace when you're poking the fire. X

Oh lord. I grew up hearing that from the horrible misogynistic men around me.

GeraldTippett · 07/07/2020 14:25

You are crawling all over each other like rats in a box. Urgh. Have a shower. Have a STI check. Cut all ties and move away.

morriseysquif · 07/07/2020 15:15

Why are you blaming this woman for everything?

rainbringsjoytome · 07/07/2020 15:17

It means when he's against the wall, under pressure or uncomfortable, his go-to response is misogyny

But you are a different kind of woman. A better woman. I only treat slappers this way. Not you. He thinks you are dumb enough to be flattered that he thinks of this woman as trash.

Both of these 100%

billy1966 · 07/07/2020 15:59

I think he's playing you along with what he hopes you will be happy to hear.

OP, he's just not a good bet.

Nice men don't speak about women poorly.

He would throw anyone under a bus to cover his arse.

You are to good for him.

Don't settle for him.

You deserve better.

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