Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Boyfriend slept with someone I don't like!

93 replies

Dustydolly · 07/07/2020 08:39

Hi really need some advice please!

I got back together with an ex boyfriend last December, we'd been split up about 18 months, before we got back together we laid our cards on the table, decided to start fresh, we were honest (or so I thought) with each other and said we'd both had a brief relationship with one other person during our time apart, which is fine as obviously we were both single and free to date others.
Everything's been going great so far until last week I found out he was also sleeping with a girl that has previously cheated behind my back with my partner from a few years ago and she ended up pregnant by him. Obviously this girl is a sore subject for me, granted it was many years ago and I have got over that relationship but still!
My partner knows I was cheated on but didn't know it was with this girl, it's a complete coincidence that it happens to be her.
I'm angry that he lied, he said he lied and didn't tell me about her because he was ashamed as she has a reputation for sleeping about! He says it's in the past and I shouldn't be bothered about it, that what we did when we weren't together is none of my concern and we need to concentrate on the future. I don't think he's understanding it's not what he did but with who! I feel sick thinking of him with her, its brought up a lot of ghosts that I had laid to rest.
Am I justified in my feelings? I'm trying to understand it from his point of view but at the moment I don't feel I can be with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dustydolly · 07/07/2020 09:29

I agree, he was obviously happy to sleep with her at the time and didn't care about her "reputation"... my low opinion of her is completely justified though.

OP posts:
MidnightCitrus · 07/07/2020 09:29
  1. You weren't together and he slept with someone you dont like? or
  2. You were together and he slept with someone you dont like?

If its the first one, you dont really have a say, you weren't together - its just 'bad luck' Did he get to vet your sleeping partners?

if its the second one, then literally there's no hope for the relationship at all

ChristmasFluff · 07/07/2020 09:30

You were supposed to be being honest with eachother and he was incapable of that. He got back together with you on false pretenses. I'd be ending it for that reason - and his views on women in general.

Who he slept with would actually be the least of my worries - that is your baggage to deal with, not his. And if you can't deal with it, it's perfectly reasonable to end it. I have the feeling it will save you a lot of future problems wiht this man.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Nihiloxica · 07/07/2020 09:32

@Dustydolly

I agree, he was obviously happy to sleep with her at the time and didn't care about her "reputation"... my low opinion of her is completely justified though.
Yours is, but his is not and it comes from an ugly place.
Dozer · 07/07/2020 09:33

He wasn’t U to have sex with whoever l, but having agreed to talk about your sex lives while single was dishonest to you.

His comment about the woman’s ‘reputation’ was sexist. Yuck.

thecatsthecats · 07/07/2020 09:35

I have a friend who was in an on again off again thing with a guy who also had a thing for a different girl inbetween (and who dated her after he split with my friend).

In time they all grew up, got over their shag-pile mess of overlapping relationships and all settled down with different people entirely.

I recommend you accelerate this process.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/07/2020 09:37

I'm not sure you will ever get over this.
Your feelings for her run too deep at this stage.
Also.... Please get an STI check asap!

NC4Now · 07/07/2020 09:42

He can’t un-sleep with her. Your feelings are understandable though. If you don’t think you can be with him in that knowledge, then move on. There are plenty of other men around.

sonjadog · 07/07/2020 09:42

It is very understandable that you have a low opinion of her, but you can see that his opinion of her as having a "reputation" just because she likes to have sex with people reveals his attitude to women, and it isn't good? Does he think men who like to have sex with different people also have a reputation for sleeping around and that people should be ashamed to have slept with them?

sitckmansladylove · 07/07/2020 09:42

I dont think it will work out long term to be honest. It will always be there in the background as she was involved in the hurt caused to you before. It unfortunate she is by coincidence involved again.

whywhywhy6 · 07/07/2020 09:47

End it. For good.

Wonderland18 · 07/07/2020 09:54

I’m on the fence with this as my partner slept with someone I dislike who does the full sleeping with guys in relationships and goes home with anyone after nights out.
I knew about it when we first got together and it was nearly a dealbreaker as the full thing felt a bit dirty to me (only one previous sexual partner)
But here we are almost 5 years in and happy, I’m glad I got over it but it did take some time.

Mawbags · 07/07/2020 09:58

Just end it, he ain’t no prize
And you’re going to have an issue with the whole thing which is understandable

TheAdventuresoftheWishingChair · 07/07/2020 10:03

Even if he was a really wonderful human being and you went on to have lots of happy years together (unlikely given what Nihiloxica points out), I think you would be sitting there 20 years down the line with this sticking in your throat and hurting you on the occasions you thought about it. Because some things are just too raw and a bit primal aren't they?

It's too complicated, walk away. Lots of other nice men out there who you could have a fresh start with.

TeddyIsaHe · 07/07/2020 10:03

God all this fuss over a misogynist! He’s clearly got awful opinions of women, why would you go to all this stress over someone so gross?

Justaboy · 07/07/2020 10:04

Can't you find anone a bit more civilised & refined than this animal?..

JamesArthursEyelashes · 07/07/2020 10:04

I never understand why people discuss who they’ve slept with in the past with a new partner. Nothing good ever comes of it.

BUT, you both decided to be honest about what had happened whilst you were not together and he wasn’t honest. If he’s not honest at the beginning then I don’t think he’ll be honest with you a few years down the line. I’d end the relationship due to this and the fact that it sounds like you’ll never be ok with who he slept with. Things should be easier than this.

dottiedodah · 07/07/2020 10:08

I dont think you have a future really.He may have a low opinion of this girl .But I think it questionable that he thinks she has a "reputation"but is happy enough to have sex with her!Double standards much! Maybe start afresh with someone new and save yourself a lot of heartache.

AdaColeman · 07/07/2020 10:10

Dump him, he’s a fool who sleeps around with women he doesn’t respect. Oh, and he’s a liar too.

JellyfishandShells · 07/07/2020 10:17

Think you need to widen your social, and certainly your dating, pool.

SeriouslyRetro · 07/07/2020 10:17

It’s not about ‘not having a say’ because you weren’t together then. It’s about her having a say now that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship because of it. Which I think I would. I’d feel that the relationship was now tarnished, and I wouldn’t want the other woman thinking I was a mug.

Dozer · 07/07/2020 10:18

Your (understandable) dislike of the woman seems to be clouding your judgment about your boyfriend’s behaviour and attitudes.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 07/07/2020 10:19

Do you live in a tiny little village?

TypingoftheDead · 07/07/2020 10:22

I’d end it, more for his sexist double standards (I’ve never understood the whole “I hate women who like sex, but I’m still going to take it if I get the opportunity, then I’ll just slag them off for giving me something I wanted” bullshite) and for his being sparing with the truth (because of his hypocritical shame, presumably) when apparently being honest. I totally appreciate why you feel how you do, even if it doesn’t make logical sense.
Do you feel you can work through this or not? Only you can decide, but really, you don’t need a reason or anyone else’s approval to walk away from him and be single or find someone else.

Crossfitwidow · 07/07/2020 10:23

Looks like I’m going against the grain here but people are entitled to have sex with whom ever they choose. Enjoying sex with multiple partners doesn’t make you a bad person, if you’re single and not hurting anyone you can do as you please. You either need to forgive and forget or move on.