SAHMs what did you do once your kids were at school?

[heynori]

It's a little while off for me as my DC are still pre-school age but I'm thinking about my life once they are all at school.

I'm incredibly lucky that I don't have to work. Any money I make will make no difference to our overall family pot of money in any significant way.

The plan currently is for me to stay at home as long as my DC need me. They will still need picking up at 3pm on school days and need someone around in school holidays while they are at primary school. But once they're at secondary school and relatively self-sufficient? Then what? What do I do with my life? How do I fill my days? Will I have regretted not going back to work?

What did you do?

I used to have a lovely colleague, who actually couldn't have children. She was married to a very wealthy man and worked full time, because she had been so bored not working. She used to volunteer, but decided to work and was very good at her job. It was ironic - she earned the same salary as me, but while I was a major financial contributor to my household (it was a decently paid professional job) the salary was irrelevant to her. But the job satisfaction was obviously essential.

@TheNavigator I knew a lovely lady in a similar situation. She was absolutely gutted she couldn’t have children biologically and she didn’t want to pursue other options. Her and her husband own a very successful business, and she never has to work another day in her life if she doesn’t actively want to.

She worked very p/t at my Public Sector workplace for the company, the daily variety and feeling useful - her words.

I only managed 18 months there due to my bully of a manager, but I’ve kept in touch with my colleague and she did another 5 years after I left, having already done close to 10.

I'll probably be a carer to my DPs who live 90 miles away so I'll be dashing back and forth!

Is it just me who cannot get their heads around being financially dependent on someone else

Me too, this thread has been an eye opener

I don't see it as leeching off someone else, if I didn't look after DS we'd have to pay someone else to do it so I am contributing. I do a lot to contribute to family life and DH is happy with the situation too.

If I was working I'd earn 25% of what DH does so I'd still be reliant on him- our mortgage is more than my old take home salary.

As it happens, I told DH my plans to retrain and go back to university once DS is in school and he's fully on board with it.

My Mum has been a Homestart volunteer, and my Aunt is a Samaritans volunteer. My Grandma ran a local playgroup. I'd say these are all things which give a sense of purpose and worth.

@Someone1987

Staying at home living my life for and through other people, even for family, would make me feel thoroughly miserable. Do you feel strange not having a work purpose and not earning anything?

I say this as someone who works - but this attitude makes no sense to me. Surely by the same token you could say that someone who solely defines themselves by their job is “strange”? Surely most of us have a rich life with multiple passions and hobbies - and yes, work may be one of those but it doesn’t stop SAHMs having a load of other passions and interests to give them purpose.

"Any money I make will make no difference to our overall family pot of money in any significant way."

What a shame to think like that!

I went back to work even though I didn't need to because I valued my independence, wanted to contribute and had skills I wanted to use.
An 'insignificant' wage over many years can add up. I invested mine and ended up with a very financially secure future for myself. I am sought after at work, able to go part time and on course to retire early.

i had already qualified as a TA, so i volunteered at my DC's school.. did reading with the infants, helped on school trips...etc.

I also had a part time saturday job, so i'd pick up extra hours in the week.

As it was, my oldest ended up being Autistic and i had to quit my job and am now his paid carer... i have to use all my time he is at school to get my housework and errands done as trying to get stuff done with him around is very difficult.

I also spend a fair amount of my days helping my mum who's elderly and also disabled.. i take her shopping, walk the dogs, take her out places she needs/wants to go. I also volunteer so do a couple of hours working from home for that.

any time to myself is spent playing games or napping to be honest xD

I dont actually get much time to myself in the week...

The dcs go to their dads (im divorced) every other weekend, and those i spend with my friends and doing sod all other than have fun and recharging before they come home and i'm back into mom/carer mode for the next 12 day stretch.

Did some volunteering, got really fit, did a lot of cooking, not enough cleaning clearly as dh suggested we get a cleaner. 😂 Met up with friends, did a few courses. Gardening. I found they needed me at Secondary as much as primary but for different reasons - I was definitely glad I stayed at home.
Dh started a business a few years ago (when the kids were 15 years old and I dipped my toe into the world of work again - it coincided with the kids becoming very self sufficient. I'm part-time and to a large extent I can pick and choose what I do but it really suits me. One thing - keep your pension topped up, if you are not earning your dh can pay, can't remember the exact amount but it's somewhere between £2-£3k into your pension tax free and make sure you are claiming child benefit so you get your NI contributions paid - and then continue to pay them after your last child is 12. Having your own pension is important. Also make sure if your dh died there would be no periods of income gaps with insurances etc. Sorry if I'm telling you stuff you already know.

No one has mentioned the young women who see staying at home, even when they have no financial support from a partner, as their only (preferred?) option once they've had a baby. Those are the only SAHMs I know these days, as all of my DC, my nieces and nephews, and friends' DC who are parents, work. Most are in couples. For a time my DD was a single working mum, and what a much better example to show her child than doing nothing.

Now both DD and DDIL could afford not to work, but they've achieved a lot in their careers, and their retirements are much more assured, and likely to be sooner, because of their current earnings. Makes sense in this financial climate.

I'm a volunteer in a charity, and occasionally we get women sent by the job centre for a bit of work experience. Their children have grown up, and their benefits have shrunk to that of a single person. Very slim pickings, so they then realise that work may be the answer. But their reason for not doing a hand's turn for anything up to twenty years is always 'children'. I wish schools focussed seriously on life choices and how they can impact in later life.

A lot of my friends are PT/ Pilates trainers/yoga teachers .

Not really a lot of money In it but a really good way to be out and about exercising/bring focused. Really fun too.

I'm toying between PT/ part time work if I don't end up in A caring for relatives role.

I really enjoyed reading this thread. I am positively DYING to be a SAHM (even though my DC is 10!) but can't afford it. I always wondered if I'd truly be able to fill my days, and this thread has shown me that I can.

@heynori has this thread given you any ideas?