SAHMs what did you do once your kids were at school?

[heynori]

It's a little while off for me as my DC are still pre-school age but I'm thinking about my life once they are all at school.

I'm incredibly lucky that I don't have to work. Any money I make will make no difference to our overall family pot of money in any significant way.

The plan currently is for me to stay at home as long as my DC need me. They will still need picking up at 3pm on school days and need someone around in school holidays while they are at primary school. But once they're at secondary school and relatively self-sufficient? Then what? What do I do with my life? How do I fill my days? Will I have regretted not going back to work?

What did you do?

@Panicmode1 ahh that's good to know, I dont think friend knew that either, she was having a small big panic.

My private pension isn't great but I hopefully have atleast 35 years to sort that out.

My kids are preschool age and I do some volunteering and work 2 evenings a week as a private tutor. When they're older and at school i would like to do more volunteering and do a part time job such as working as a TA or do more tutoring. I'm a qualified teacher but I wouldn't want to go back to full time teaching while I have kids who need picking up from school etc.

If you enjoy your work, you might want to rethink how lucky you might feel in the long term to give it up, as work provides so much more than money. We don't use my earnings to live on, but it's nice to be able to contribute and to have a professional identitiy.

I have not taken time out of the workplace but I have several close friends who have, in similar circumstances to you, whose children are now older. I would suggest that you think about doing something that will keep up your intellectual curiosity, confidence and feelings that you are contributing something of wider value. For example, becoming a magistrate, school governor or charity trustee. Voluntary work can be great, but sorting out socks at the back of a charity shop might not be very fulfilling. These things become more important as you become older, and as your children need you in different ways. Several of my friends are so struggling with feelings of low self esteem, a lack of agency and a feeling that life has passed them by. Several would love to get back into the workplace, but now lack the confidence. Some struggle with the idea that their partner no longer considers them 'equal'. I don't know if that's true, or their projection. The happiest families I know are the ones who work as a team, who share goals and responsibilities so that everyone's needs are fulfilled. Again, this doesn't need to mean equality in terms of earnings, but do make sure that, for example, investments are made equally in both names, including pension investments. It helps to have a small income (e.g. from a rental property) that you can invest independently, which I'm guessing in your family circumstances is doable. Best of luck with whatever you decide :)

What do you plan on doing once the kids don't 'need' you any more?

My eldest is in secondary and I find he needs me around more than ever so I'm still waiting for that mythical time!

Recently went back to work part time as my youngest started school. I don't have to work either but though I'm a lovely mum, I'm a shit housewife and I would have been bored without my DC company and without the majority of my mum friends who have all gone back to work. I feel much better now I've got that balance of being a mum and WOH.

I'll probably get raked across hot coals for this as Mumsnet seem to hate the direct selling market but I decided to join a direct selling company selling products I was interested in.So while kids are at school I do housework etc and I do some work for my business.I'm a manager with them so keeps me busy.It suits me anyway.Each to their own.

As soon as youngest was at school I started volunteering, and then when he went into year 1 I started working part time. Pays very little but quite an interesting job and a family friendly workplace. As a SAHM I was crap - I did loads of housework and everything always still looked a mess. It suits some people and not others!

If I won the lottery (so my earnings made no difference) I would give up work and go back to volunteering.

I do my old job on a voluntary basis, help out at school, we've been renovating our house so spent a lot of time on that, then sprucing up our old house to sell, see friends and family, visit eldest in university, I love baking and decorate a lot of cakes for friends and family, I've done a bit of mystery shopping which I really enjoy, I read a lot, just about to start landscaping the garden.

I think it's some that's not for everyone and you do need to be careful about your financial vulnerability.

My youngest has just gone to preschool I really struggled with the empty days, and I felt my life was all about fulfilling other people's lives. This wasn't enough for me but I do understand that other people are very happy being a SAHP.

I started an online business which was good, but didn't give me enough mental stimulation.

So I've just started a new and stressful job. It means we need a nanny and more cleaning time but it works for us.

When I saw sat for endless hours in a big empty house it felt like the world was passing me by and that I could scream with frustration

In direct answer I would do: housework, shopping, cook dinner, gardening, house refurb stuff, trades people, admin. Get in the car, pick up kids, drive them to activities.

I was basically a housekeep and chauffeur who had nice lunches with friends sometimes

I was a SAHM until my youngest was in Y1, by which time I’d had 12 years out of the workplace. I’d had a professional job but found it impossible to get back into the same industry so did another degree. It was healthcare related and at the time government funded. I now work full time and I LOVE my job. I bring in around £35k pre tax which makes a significant contribution even though we lived comfortably on DHs salary before. It has allowed DH to develop his business without us worrying about destitution.

I’m not the sort of person who gets bored and can always fill my time but probably the last 3 years of being a SAHM I ached to have a career again. Most of my friends worked so those coffees and play dates when the children were much smaller almost vanished. I’m introverted and self reliant so it surprised me how hard I found it knowing my friends were at work when I was pottering about alone. Sadly I have 2 friends who were widowed young and suddenly and countless more who were left in the shit after divorce so I had no confidence that I’d be financially fine. I didn’t want to end up in a relationship that was held together on my side by financial dependence and even though DH has never been weird or tight with “his” earnings it is much more relaxing knowing I’m independent. We can also afford things we’d never be able to like music lessons, tutors, hobbies etc. Teenagers are very expensive. I also have a pension now.
I loved being able to be a SAHM but I couldn’t have done it for the 40 years I have between my first child being born and my retirement when my youngest will be 34. It’s too long a time to fill with hobbies. I only have one friend from my toddler group days who doesn’t work and I do not envy her her life.

If you are fairly well off and have a flair for interior design I would consider flipping houses but there are various moral issues around that.

I can find plenty to do - plus unlike all the super parents who do 100 hour career jobs we have extra cash for treats (don’t pay for staff) or those without staff I’m not doing housework in the evening or weekends. Fabulous.

But I would like a part time job - this is not the life I chose (eldest has a disability) but no one wants to employ me

I’m surprised no one has made you join the PTA! (I’m not on the PTA).

Volunteer at a charity shop? My DM did this and ended up the manager! Not that I’m saying you should do that bit! I helped out when I was at home from uni and really enjoyed it.

What about some sort of useful course? Even if it’s diy or cake decorating or something.

Do some extra courses that will enhance your life - cake decorating? House renovation? Gardening? Child wrangling?

Make sure you are covered though if the worst happens. It might be worth keeping a hand in work.

I went back to uni and got a masters degree and work part time at home in a creative job that earns a pittance but that I love and can be fitted in completely around the children. We also live on a small holding so I have to look after and exercise six ponies when they are a school! Dear God, a rota is so important in this situation! I would look into retraining and finding something you can earn money at, even if it is not much. Extra money is always welcome and sooner or later, they won't need you around so much anymore. We live rurally so my children are still dependent on me to get them around, making a full time job awkward. But I would like to get back to work once they are both driving and having worked part time will make me more employable. I hope!

I think it depends how each partner feels about it too.
He hasnt actually said in so many words but I feel my DH is a bit resentful of my increased leisure time while I am furloughed , although I am trying to facilitate homeschooling, and help him out with accounts etc. (he is SE and working long hours to make up for low income over the past 3 months) He sounded a bit miffed when I said I was going out for a bike ride the other day so I'm not sure he would be that happy to be the sole earner now that our DC are secondary age.

DS is in preschool on his 15 free hours but once he goes to school I plan on SAH for his reception year then do an access course or a foundation year then a degree. I figure uni will give me some of the holidays off with DS.

At the moment I go to the gym, run errands and visit elderly relatives. My Mum and aunts have never worked since having children and did volunteering in schools, homestart, PTA, elderly befriending, university degrees. They aren't boring or bored.

DH would be happy if I wanted to work, but I don't and he values my contribution- he couldn't do his insane hours and frequent travel without me and he acknowledges this.

I re-trained and started a business

One thing I've always wanted to do is volunteer for the Samaritans. I'm sure it would be very hard, but it's a difference I would love to make.

I started my own business and I've been doing that for 4 years. I work from home around ds school hrs and I love that I can be there for ds if I'm needed and I have the ability to earn as much as I like depending on the hours I put in.

hey Nori Exactly and hopefully you wont get divorced ! Even if you work though ,( And get divorced)you will still have a drop in standard of living as 2 household incomes will be split between 2 homes .Enjoy your long walks ATM .In the future you may change your mind ,but just enjoy it for the moment!

I was only a SAHM for 3 years, and in that time, we moved house 3 times (relocation), so there was quite a lot of life admin. I also volunteered for local pre-school PTA before my eldest was even at pre-school 😂, although I only really started once she did. I then found a local job that could use my professional qualifications and allow me to work around the children, I stayed with them for several years, adapting my hours to fit in around both the family and the business' needs.

While a SAHM, I went to toddler groups, did the volunteering, saw friends, exercised, but I suppose I didn't really have that experience of Mon-Fri 9-3 'off'. I work 80% now, both of mine are at secondary school, and on my day off I'm running around doing all sorts of jobs. I will say that although it feels like it will be so much time, that 6 hours absolutely flies by.

Only you know what's best for you, but despite thinking I'd love being a SAHM, I really missed the recognition I had from my work, and even now, I might earn significantly less than my DH, but I know my contribution makes a big difference to the household (plus there would be a significant impact if I went to FT as well - good to have options), allowing us to do things as a family that would otherwise be out of our reach.

If you can retrain, volunteer, or follow some of the great advice here it will be so good for your sense of self-worth and satisfaction. It's great to be able to set your own working timetable too, without being stressed by employers' demands.
I found that teenagers need their mum as much, although in a different way obvs, as toddlers, so being as available to them as you can can help to smooth their most difficult periods.

do school run, go to the gym, come home and shower and do housework. go shopping if things are needed or to visit my mum and usually make a start on dinner (cottage pie or whatever) meet friends for lunch or pre school pickup coffee.

after ive picked the children up i then find i can 100% devote my time to reading with them or playing a board game. if they want to go to the park on the way home we do or if they have an activity that evening we can go straight to it. i dont have to worry about cleaning up or making dinner as ive done it during the day. then put dinner on ready for DH to get home from work.

my life is very "the same" every week. i see set friends on set days, according to both our life patterns. but i like routine.

i will say that without seeing friends, going out to places with the children and going to the gym, these last 3 months have been difficult.