Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

How to help DH? Family member/indecent images.

85 replies

5tressed · 29/06/2020 10:06

We've just found out that a family member is going to court soon for viewing illegal images on his computer.

DH is devastated. Ashamed. Shocked. Disgusted. No one had any idea. We're all in shock. I want to support DH but today i'm less and less comfortable with talk about 'supporting' the family member re: their mental health.

I've tipped into anger and i'm disgusted and tearful this morning. It hasn't been 24 hours yet. I want to talk freely to DH but i'm on eggshells. He had this person on a pedestal. He's ... so upset.

I don't know what i want from this thread. Sorry. This is so fucking hard.

OP posts:

Sunnydayshereatlast · 29/06/2020 10:09

Why would you be expected to support a child abuser?

wizzywig · 29/06/2020 10:10

Op, i work in that area, all i can say is just be there. And your feelings and emotions are likely to change a lot and they may not be in sync with your husbands and inlaws. And i know plenty of familys who stop access (even where its allowed), so dont feel under pressure to allow contact if you do have kids. I think its some families way of trying to forget it happened. Will you be going to court?

LuluBellaBlue · 29/06/2020 10:12

Also please remember that they may still be innocent until it goes to court and all facts are known

OlaEliza · 29/06/2020 10:34

Who expects you to support them?

mindutopia · 29/06/2020 11:01

I think you need to give him time to process all of this, and if he is able to, be the one who sets the boundaries with this family member and the wider family. If he isn't able to do that, then yes, you need to step in and set it for both of you. Do you have young children? I mean ones who aren't adults. If so, their safety and wellbeing comes first.

I have unfortunately been in this situation with a family member, not once, but twice (totally different family members, both close to me but on different sides of the family). I cannot stress how important it is for your dh to get some support for himself (a therapist). It's helped me immensely so far.

Do be prepared though that it is very typical that families end up rallying around abusers and coming up with all sorts of alternative narratives for why they are a victim and everyone else is victimising them - the police, the system, the children who were abused, anyone in the family who doesn't support them. If there is someone else in the family who feels strongly about setting appropriate boundaries and not supporting this person, find them and support each other.

I think the main thing is that you will both need support yourselves for deal with this and it will be ongoing for quite a long time, but it's also very important that you decide what your boundaries are with this person and you stick to them no matter. It's very easy for families to just drift back to normal and try to pretend everything is fine and none of this ever happened.

I hope you are both doing okay. It's an awful thing to go through.

Newwayofthinking · 29/06/2020 11:06

@LuluBellaBlue TBF if it's got to the "going to court" stage there is enough evidence to charge to court.

I couldn't support someone who looked at indecent images

EL8888 · 29/06/2020 11:41

@Newwayofthinking exactly. There must be more than a fair amount of proof for it to get to court. Or the CPS wouldn’t have proceeded

wizzywig · 29/06/2020 11:51

@mindutopia youve nailed it.

Original poster

5tressed · 29/06/2020 13:01

@wizzywig thank you. No i wont be going to court. Yes, i think there's a bit of minimising going on by some of the more elderly members of the family. It really is a way of coping initially but it's not right. It's a total shit show. I am out of sinc. I realised this this morning.

@LuluBellaBlue. thank you. They're not innocent :( They've admitted it.

@mindutopia. thank you. Yes we have young children. But we live a long way from the person. Only see them a few times a year normally. Your post has made me cry! Your third paragraph is spot on. I am not in a position to find out what the rest of the family 'really' feel though without going behind DHs back somewhat. IYSWIM?

Sorry to hear you've been through this twice When the initial shock wears off your left feeling, just, i don't even know.

Those asking who is expecting the person to be supported: at this stage we've all only just found out but the persons online activity was caught by the police months ago. He's kept it a secret. I'm assuming he's told us all because it's coming to court and social services are wanting to ring close family. There's a worry of suicide.

Thank you for this. This is helping. I thought i was a pretty together sort of person. I'm worried about falling out with DH.

OP posts:

Original poster

5tressed · 29/06/2020 13:07

I didn't clearly answer the supporting thing. It's just that there's been lots of talk of how 'this isn't him' and 'he's in a bad place' ect. Efforts to visit and 'see how he is'. I'm not sure what the extent of the charges really are and i don't know how to find out.

OP posts:

amusedtodeath1 · 29/06/2020 13:14

It's going to take time for everyone to process. Even people who have been directly abused by a loved family member have difficulty separating what they did from the love they feel. You don't have that love so it's easier for you to see it.

Over time the family may well agree with you, but they need time to process, and if they hear all the gory details in court it might help them understand.

Original poster

5tressed · 29/06/2020 13:26

@amusedtodeath1 thank you. I cannot imagine the shame of telling your family about this let alone allowing any of them in court to listen to it as well. Will they go? Will he want them there? I have no idea!
I want to know though what the real deal is. I have a suspicious mind and i would worry we weren't told the whole story. I don't know if he's likely to get a custodial sentence or not. I'm assuming he'll get put on the register ... jesus what a horrible mess:(

OP posts:

Minniee · 29/06/2020 13:31

I'd be curing all ties, if it was Dh's dad or brother would be irrelevant.

I'd want nothing more to do with them and would only support DH in how to go about cutting them off.

Minniee · 29/06/2020 13:31

Cutting

Cocobean30 · 29/06/2020 13:36

If he is the one who has told everyone it’s very likely he has downplayed it massively. At the end of the day there’s no justification for what he did though family will be in denial for a while, or permanently. I’m sorry you have to deal with this as it’s very hard when you can see the situation clearly and no one else wants to face it .

AllStartedWithUSA · 29/06/2020 13:41

I’d cut ties with them and ensure children cut ties too. If DH wanted to see in some level then I’d support that but only if he fully agreed our children and myself would have no contact. And actually probably only if a very close relative like a brother who he felt he could help in some way to change and ensure never happened again (whilst ensuring relative was aware dH was disgusted and ashamed etc and not supportive of any excuses). Hope that makes sense.

I don’t think it’s as easy as people think for families to just cut members adrift no matter how appalling their behaviour. Look at murders - their mums might still visit them in jail even. It doesn’t mean they condone the or actions it’s just that they still feel a family responsibility. Wrongly perhaps.

I definitely would be finding out the true charges though. I’m not sure if police cps can release that to you? I’m sure court trials are open to public. Either go along or have trusted family/friend attend who won’t be recognised so you have a full first hand account of all charges.

Original poster

5tressed · 29/06/2020 13:42

@Cocobean30 thank you. The downplaying. Yes. This is what i'm wondering/worrying. I know it's early days (well hours) but i feel like my brain is in a fog. I'm the kind of person who would calmly answer on a thread like this but now i'm in the middle of it myself i just can't think straight.

DH has texted. He's not right today. Making mistakes at work :(

OP posts:

AllStartedWithUSA · 29/06/2020 13:45

Sorry I also meant to say I’m so sorry you’re even having to deal with this. Aside from the actual children in the images these arseholes are impacting the lives of others far and wide. You and your dh relationship. Your children’s relationship with inlaws. It’s just all suddenly fucked up because of this abuser. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this at all.

IDontLikeZombies · 29/06/2020 13:46

This happened in DH's family. Like you we lived a good distance away with our young children.

I'm a nurse so I found it easier to process it like coming across a casualty.
First I tried to work out whether my DC had been at risk then made a plan to keep them out of risk. This plan was solid, there was no room for negotiations and I made it as I had less attachment to the criminal.

Secondly I spoke to DH. In our case the relative was of an age where he could have harmed DH as a child so I felt I needed to know the situation so I could support him properly. I also wanted to work out how much support he could offer me as I was all off kilter, too.

Lastly DH and I worked on how we would interact with the family. We don't see the relative at all. We don't speak about him in the positive, we change the subject. We made it clear that I didn't consider it safe to have our young children near him and if he turned up at family gatherings we would leave. We also made it obvious that it was me driving these rules to give DH some wriggle room with his family. (Although we've actually never needed it).

We found that the person's mother, father and some siblings really couldn't process what had happened, it just wouldn't go into their brains. With those people we held them at arms length until they had come to terms with it.

You have my sympathy, OP. It's a horrible situation to be in. Protect your own ones and take it slowly from there.

AllStartedWithUSA · 29/06/2020 13:47

That’s good your dh has told you that - support him. That doesn’t mean either of you have to support the abuser. Seek help
for dh to cut ties and have emotional support (therapy) and allow him to be stand strong against family members who aren’t cutting ties. You have distance in your side at least.

Original poster

5tressed · 29/06/2020 13:49

@AllStartedWithUSA Thank you. It is a v close family member like that yes. I'm glad you said you'd want to know too. I feel awful wanting to snoop, but - i want to know the truth. I can't go to the court. We're talking miles away. I'm in England - offender is across the border.

OP posts:

AllStartedWithUSA · 29/06/2020 13:52

Yes i desperately would need to know exactly charges even though really I wouldn’t want to hear them. He could minimise and downplay and you’d be guessing based on any sentence received. Can you make contact with police in his area as initial inroads into how you’d find out? You have children isn’t there some legal way you’d be entitled to have full facts? Is there anyone in area (old friend?) you’d trust to go to court and report back?

AntiSocialDistancer · 29/06/2020 13:52

I would allow my husband time and be sensitive if he was downplaying it. He has to be going through some form of grieving process which effects us all differently. It's a huge change on the lens through which he views his life. Imagine looking up to a hero, and then finding it all out.

I can totally understand that wider family is minimising it. It must feel very fucking tempting. Give them all a bit of time.

You can't make other people's choices for them, and everyone is in a horrible shock. Set your own boundaries and don't take people's first thoughts on face value.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/06/2020 13:53

What a horrific shock. After your husband has a chance to process this, you should make it very clear you will not be "supporting" this relative in any way, shape or form. You and your children will not be in his presence again, no exceptions. This crime is completely unforgivable.

saraclara · 29/06/2020 13:55

@amusedtodeath1

Over time the family may well agree with you, but they need time to process, and if they hear all the gory details in court it might help them understand.

This. I'm afraid you'll just have to listen to his immediate family trying to find a reason for this. They've just had some shocking news about someone they've loved all their life. If it was your brother, father or son, much as you might not think so at this point, it would be natural for you to react that way in shock. Initially it's impossible to believe that this person you've known, loved and looked up to all your life could have done this for no excusable reason. So you try to find one.

They'll come out of the other side, and they'll recognise that there's no excuse, eventually. Just give them a bit of time to reconcile what's happened.

And yes, they love him, so they will worry about him taking his life. You have to let them feel that way too.

Flip

1 2 3 4