How to help DH? Family member/indecent images.

[5tressed]

We've just found out that a family member is going to court soon for viewing illegal images on his computer.

DH is devastated. Ashamed. Shocked. Disgusted. No one had any idea. We're all in shock. I want to support DH but today i'm less and less comfortable with talk about 'supporting' the family member re: their mental health.

I've tipped into anger and i'm disgusted and tearful this morning. It hasn't been 24 hours yet. I want to talk freely to DH but i'm on eggshells. He had this person on a pedestal. He's ... so upset.

I don't know what i want from this thread. Sorry. This is so fucking hard.

@IDontLikeZombies thank you. That's very constructive advice. I'm 99.9% sure my DC has not been at risk. This person never has time alone with my DC and that wont ever change. DH and the person are same age group. Interacting with the family: that makes me close my eyes right now and not want to think about it. Unless this person actually gets put in prison i can see this being put in a box marked 'depression'. Everyone is talking/texting everyone else and i keep hearing this word. And the word support. ....

As you say, it's only been 24 hours. If you, as a non-family member can't think straight, then please understand what the immediate blood family are feeling. Be kind and don't jump down anyone's throat at this point, whatever excuses they might be coming up with. This is the acute stage, and the shock will be immense.

AllStartedWithUSA I have zero connections with where he's been living. None of us have. He left years ago. Comes down and joins family gatherings but that's all. I might look into what's made public by the courts up there. Social services did want to contact us apparently.

@AntiSocialDistancer thank you. You're so right. I've never actually seen my DH in tears before yesterday. (apart from when DC was born). I do feel i'm going too fast. Up in my head.

Aquamarine1029 thank you.

@saraclara - yes. I've actually been trying to imagine how i'd feel if this was DH admitting to something like this. To put myself in inlaws shoes. They're elderly. But very 'with it'. We're talking about very intelligent people here. All of them. Letters after names, important jobs. There's a lot of shame and embarrassment.

saraclara that's good advice. I feel like anger is welling up and i don't want to fire it at DH :(

Aww take it easy on yourself and your inlaws. They’ll be shocked humiliated and also guilty feeling in a way (Why did he do that? Should I have seen it? Was it something we did that lead him to be like that? Was x in the past an indication? Etc etc) I think maybe it is natural for those closest blood relatives to process by immediately trying to make rational sense of it all and a way to do that is to find an reason for the behaviour. Of course there is non reason not excuse they’ll realise that but not as quickly as you. Give them time. So as pp said re your own boundaries and expectations going forward.

Contact social services then. It sounds like they need to discuss with you. The more facts you’re armed with the better prepared you’ll be to have your own plans in place as to how to proceed.

They’ll be shocked humiliated and also guilty feeling in a way (Why did he do that? Should I have seen it? Was it something we did that lead him to be like that? Was x in the past an indication?

Yep. Their emotions (especially the older generations) will be exponentially more difficult to deal with than yours OP, for this reason. There'll be an (almost certainly unfounded) sense of guilt and responsibility that you, mercifully, don't have to deal with.
So yep, another reason to be tolerant and understanding of them in the short term.

having been through a similar situation as your DH, @AntiSocialDistancer is right - your first reaction under the shock of it all isn't permanent, and can move multiple times as you process. I was tempted to minimise, to hold onto our old life, to try and preserve the idea of "happy families" ..... it took time to realise that nothing would never be the same again, and move towards new (and painful...) boundries

It was my brother that went to court for this and pleaded guilty. We as the larger family didnt find out until it was reported in the local paper after he was sentenced, to say we were shocked is very much an understatement! He used the excuse of depression and blamed the death of our father for tipping him into downloading thousands of images - apparently they were in amongst 'normal' pornography.

It was 4 years ago and I can't put into words what I feel about the whole situation, the actions he did, the poor children involved, the deception of not telling us before it went to court and letting us find out through the local paper, the 'excuse' of the depression all mixed up along with the fact that he is my brother. I will never feel the same about him and his wife again, I certainly avoid seeing them as much as possible but have to on occasions because of my mum.

No one has mentioned it to me or my mum - although old school friends of mine would have known, more recent people in my life wouldn't as we don't share the same last name and my mum was probably too old for people to actually raise it with her. I have become very reserved with people, never know if they are talking about it behind my back. We still all live in the same place we grew up.

If you feel you need more support, you can get in contact with the Lucy Faithful Foundation

www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk/about.htm

OUR WORK TO PREVENT AND TACKLE CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE AND EXPLOITATION
The Lucy Faithfull Foundation is the only UK-wide charity dedicated solely to tackling child sexual abuse.

Every day, children and young people across the UK suffer sexual abuse, most commonly at the hands of someone they know. Latest research suggests at least one in six children aged 11-17 become victims.

We work to prevent abuse from happening in the first place - and to prevent it from happening again if it already has.

Where abuse has already taken place, we work with all those affected including adult male and female abusers; young people with harmful sexual behaviour; children with concerning sexual behaviours; victims of abuse and other family members. But we also work in families and with adults and young people where there has been no abuse, to help them keep themselves and others as safe as possible.

I do feel very sorry for your DH, this must be very hard to process if this is someone he has known most of his lift and been close to. The fact remains though, this individual is a disgusting piece of shit. There is only one solution here, and that is to completely cut them out of your lives forever. He will need time to grieve for the person he thought they were - that person is an illusion.

Who cares if the paedo is "depressed" or feeling "suicidal"? Of course he's upset, he got caught and will likely have an unpleasant time in jail. Oh well. What about the kids whose lives he helped to destroy?

@MyOwnSummer I agree, I can’t understand why many people accept depression as an explanation! It’s a typical abuser being found out, they turn manipulative and are genuinely upset as they’re going to face consequences. Their MH is of their own doing and if they are suicidal it is not from shame, just from fear of prison.

You do need to know what the true charges are as it is highly likely he is minimizing what they are - it's common for families only to find out for the first time when they go to court to support their family member and it come as a massive shock.

Also Lucy Faithfull Foundation - it has resources on why people do this and how to cope when you have found out it's happened by a family member.

Do you know what court he’ll be appearing in/the date? You may be able to find details in the law reports. It’s a horrible situation to be in

[quote Cocobean30]@MyOwnSummer I agree, I can’t understand why many people accept depression as an explanation! It’s a typical abuser being found out, they turn manipulative and are genuinely upset as they’re going to face consequences. Their MH is of their own doing and if they are suicidal it is not from shame, just from fear of prison.[/quote]
Totally agree with this. Having mental health problems does not turn you into a paedophile.

I very much doubt that people like this are in any way depressed or feeling suicidal. Not until they get caught, that is.

Def try and get your DH some counselling to help him make sense of it all. It's hard when the person involved you looked up to.

Yeah I think from the point of view of DH to him it's the same as grieving the death of someone in a way. The death of the person they thought they knew and knowing they can never have the same relationship with that person again. It must be awful for you all, can't imagine the pain. Sorry you are going through all this

@mindutopia
It has happened twice in my family too - totally unrelated. Equally destructive.

@5tressed
I am 8 years down the line from something similar, DHs brother, claims to this day he was 'set up'. Because I refused to believe that the police went to all this trouble to set up an innocent man(!) It wrecked my relationship with my MIL and caused serious marital problems for DH and I

MIL is still pissed off with me but we're okayish now, and I think accepts that I won't ever speak to BIL again. DH and I are good, but it has scarred our marriage.

The suicide threat has always lingered over the whole situation which has always complicated the whole situation.

BIL has lived with MIL ever since the conviction which has meant that my DC haven't been able to visit their grandmother since.

It affected my job and my children had to be interviewed by a child protection officer.

I hate him.

🍷 and 💐 to you 5tressed, hang on to your hat - this is going to be a huge test, but you can come through the other side x

You’re in shock no doubt. As is your dh. I’ve been in a similar situation and all I can say is let it sink in. Then contact social services, if they have wanted to speak to you, there will be a reason. I would think the person concerned has down played this, they usually do. Support your husband all you can but set your own ground rules. The Lucy faithful foundation is really good with guidance. But I honestly think social services will be able to answer some of your questions. It’s such a hard place to be in. But honestly set your rules for you and your children and stick to them.

@AllStartedWithUSA I agree that blood relatives are more likely to subconsciously look for excuses. It's easier than the truth. I've got big DCs (young adult) and little DCs and i know as your kids get older they carve their own way in life. You accept that. But God knows how it feels for one of them to confront you with this. Re: social services. I wouldn't know where to start finding out who wanted to speak to us and i feel i don't want to right now. One of the older members of the family spoke to them and ''put them off ringing'' apparently. Personally i would have thought if they wanted to talk to us nothing would have 'put them off'. I don't know?

@saraclara i agree. Also i think that the extent of his depression was hidden somewhat over the last year or so. By certain members of the family. Without going into details i think this will be contributing to the guilt. It's a can of worms!

@FieldOverFence thank you. Yes i think DH is struggling with this already. He's being asked to ring the person and support them. He wants to/doesn't want to. Doesn't know what to say apart from anything else. They don't usually talk on the phone. It's always been family gatherings.

@Sadsackatwork that sounds appalling! DH was shell shocked on Sunday night to get the call and hear it from 'the horses mouth' so to speak, but that's better than finding it out in the paper :( With our situation distance is helping at the moment. I'm not sure it will stay that way as person wants to move. It will be in the press when it goes to court. It will make a good headline due to his job (not because working with kids, but because Big Job, IYKWIM) Certain sections of the family have removed themselves from social media completely in a panic and have advised DH to. I think they're overreacting myself. My Mum - i'm not even telling her! She never meets up with DH family and is frail and housebound. No need to go there.

@ShadowMane thank you for the link. It sounds amazing and i will look in time. At the moment (day 2) this thread is my way to remind myself this is real and let a few feelings out. I'm re reading the thread and will not forget.

@MyOwnSummer thank you. Yes.You're vocalising the thoughts i'm having but can't say to DH. And yes, DH is mourning the loss of who he thought this person was :(

@Cocobean30 thank you. I do agree. The person involved has lost his only 2 long term friends to illness and suicide within the last year. And has apparently turned to alcohol to cope. I'm not excusing i'm giving the context in which we're being asked to view him.

@AnnaMagnani thank you. You've nudged me a bit closer to looking at the link.

@EmperorCovidula no i don't. I imagine some members of the family do. But i don't want to ask DH to quiz them. Yet.

@notapizzaeater you're quite right. But wild horses wouldn't drag DH into counselling. Not that he doesn't 'believe' in it for other people - he's pleased the person is getting counselling. More that he wont feel it's for him.

@TJ17 thank you. Yes, you have it exactly. If it weren't for DH's feelings i'd be raging. Not treading on eggshells.

@Thisismynamechange1 for you and for your children being dragged physically into that. We are hoping it's going on far enough away from us to avoid ripples going any further than DH and i. The moving in with elderly relatives though - same beginning to go on here. Which brings it physically nearer. But still an just over an hour away. I'm trying not to be too specific!

@Tweacle thank you. Another suggestion to contact social services. What could they tell me? We're all UK but not same country as this person. Not the same legal system as us.

I just want to thank everyone who is helping here and especially those who are sharing their own personal experiences I am grateful and touched that you've taken the time. I feel less alone. I'm reading everything very carefully. I wish i could answer each of you more fully. My own side of the family is non existant tiny. I haven't got anyone to really talk to apart from DH and i'm having to bite my tongue and go very gently with him. Most of the time he's quiet and doesn't want to talk about it at all. He has an important exam/renew certificate thing for work today and he's convinced he's going to fail because his head is all over the place :( Poor man. There's talk of DH visiting him at the relatives house soon. I don't want DH to go (at all) alone but i don't want to go in.

Oh yes I know you’re not excusing it at all, I was just referring to the perpetrators themselves that use MH as an excuse. Take care of yourself and your little family, I hope your DH can see things form your perspective soon

How are you today op?

wizzywig hi, thank you, not good. Worse. Angry. Really bloody angry today. That fucking wanker has broken my DH :(

DH is spiraling down IMO. We heard yesterday that social services will be giving him a ring. That and the stress of trying to sort out the mistakes he made at work on monday sent him into a real downer last night. He's cried again this morning. He has told me that yesterday his sister shared a link for 'something for me to read' and that seeing ''it'' written down has shaken him. He said he was starting to hope he'd misheard or was mistaken about the info. we've had.

I am talking to him but i don't feel it's helping him. I'm out of my depth. I had a look at the lucyfaithful website. It looks like you can organise counselling groups. But i didn't find much on there to just read y'know? I'll try again today. Now i'm in bloody tears again!!

It doesn't help that we don't get much time to actually talk! We have a large household and a young DC and there's always someone coming and going. DH is tired when he gets in from work and i don't want to keep pouncing on him and asking him how he is. But he doesn't talk unless i ask and if i don't ask he just sinks down. He's wanting to go to bed early but i can hear him next to me not asleep.

now i'mrambling.