How to help DH? Family member/indecent images.

[5tressed]

We've just found out that a family member is going to court soon for viewing illegal images on his computer.

DH is devastated. Ashamed. Shocked. Disgusted. No one had any idea. We're all in shock. I want to support DH but today i'm less and less comfortable with talk about 'supporting' the family member re: their mental health.

I've tipped into anger and i'm disgusted and tearful this morning. It hasn't been 24 hours yet. I want to talk freely to DH but i'm on eggshells. He had this person on a pedestal. He's ... so upset.

I don't know what i want from this thread. Sorry. This is so fucking hard.

@CheshireChav sorry i didn't address you. I hope it wont be in the papers. DH's brother seemed to be convinced it would. It would be local only. And HE is not local to us thank goodness.

OP, can you get dh to take a few days off work? He can self certify for 7 days, without a doctors note. It would give him some breathing space and remove one of the pressures on him, allowing him and you time to process. And in the current pandemic situation, it's unlikely that time off sick would have an especially negative impact on work for him. There is only so much we can be expected to cope with, and understandably, he sounds like he has reached his limit.

Even if he wont accept counselling, you might wish to consider it for you, to help you with your burdens, supporting him, processing what has happened, caring for your kids at this time. Understandably you want to support your dh, so make sure you have someone in your corner supporting you.

@katmarie thank you. I know exactly what you're saying. DH is self employed though In the building trade He's only just gone back after lockdown and was looking forward to it. We need the money as we're in the middle of gutting the house. He enjoyed his first week back. Now this.

I did say to him this morning that if his mistake loses him this job then at least he'll get a few days off ... Risky, but he did laugh. Sort of.

@wizzywig can i ask, as you said you work in this field, do you know, will it be social services from where we are who will ring DH, or social services where the offender is from who will ring?

Me finding someone to talk to is hard because DH doesn't want anyone to know.

Just to add that even though it made the papers and he received a suspended sentence, he didnt need to tell his boss as he hadn't actually gone to prison - he's fairly high up in the company - so nothing outwardly changed for him at all, still had his job - very well paid, wife, kids and didnt need to move.

This thread has reminded me how angry I am about the whole situation just like your husband @5tressed, he is not the person I thought I knew. I'm angry that he did it, angry that he didnt tell anyone until it was reported in the press, angry that when asked why they didnt say about the court case the response was that they didnt think it was going to be reported and therefore we wouldnt have known as they werent going to tell us! Angry that my eldest was all alone when they found out with no one to support them and very very angry that he used our dads death as an excuse to try and justify what he did.

His wife's family still seem to welcome him with open arms, me and my kids - all adults - don't want anything to do with him, will be polite but thats it, and thats only for the benefit of my mum. He has not been invited to weddings and will never see my youngest child's baby, the father of the half sibling thats in that family won't allow any contact with a convicted paedophile - and quite right too!

I've had to swap to my nom de plume again as I had to address the 'DH doesn't want anyone to know' 🤬

I had this, I ended up at my best friends house at midnight as I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. MIL won't speak to my bf anymore because of it!! (Poor bf, she hasn't done anything wrong other than be my sounding board!)

I'm so glad I told her, I refuse to keep it to myself anymore.

People who I know 'know', often ask if I'm related to him (small town) fishing for information, I say I am 'but we don't speak' I don't want people to think I support him, but my loyalty to DH and MIL (!) stops me telling the world how vile I find him.

Be prepared for your DH to a) feel sorry for him and make excuses b) minimise his crime or C) accuse thempolice of setting him up! 🤬

I think I need counselling about it - I'm obviously still very angry!! 😆

@Sadsackatwork You have every right to feel anger. A lot of your situation was much physically closer to home than ours. That must have been so awful My DCs are all either young adult or very young. Young enough to let it slide over their heads easily at this stage and as i said this person lives hours away. It's very hard to know what to do with anger it isn't it? We're told anger is not constructive, and in itself it doesn't feel helpful, and yet it feels easier than the misery i see DH in :(

@Thisismynamechange1 thank you for making the effort to name change back again :) I'm having a hell of a job to remember to keep swapping mine!
Your post resonated with me because i'd love to talk to my friend about this but i really feel i cannot go behind DHs back in this way. If it weren't for him i'd be fine with talking about it to be honest. I don't believe these things should be swept under the carpet. It's understandable that some of those who are closest to the offender will feel shame and want to avoid any repercussions coming to their relative through wider circles knowing - but that's the nature of what they've done isn't it? People will feel revulsion. If you do something revolting you deserve condemnation IMO. Burying it where no one knows just enables IMO.

There has been a slightly awkward development which has meant i've accidentally found out facts to do with the offense that i don't think DH knows, (police will) and also has prevented me posting on a really helpful website. I can't say why, just in case. But effectively it's cut off an avenue of info. for me and left me wondering what to do with what i know. sigh.

Anyway i'm rambling again. This thread is so helpful to me to let my feelings out. DH is a teeny tiny bit 'lighter' in himself yesterday evening and this morning. I found a really good thing for him to read yesterday. I'm going to put it here in case it helps anyone reading this thread. He's not read it all yet, but has got well into it. He's taking it in in manageable chunks. Thank you so much all who are still posting

www.familiesoutside.org.uk/content/uploads/2019/03/Support-for-Families-of-People-Convicted-of-a-Sexual-Offence-Picking-up-the-Pieces.pdf

OP,

Sounds so awful.

You say that your husband wouldn't dream of getting help, like counselling, for what he is going through.

As time goes on, if he continues to really struggle, which is totally understandable, consider telling him that he has an obligation to help himself and not make this even worse than it already is.

You also need to tell him that this is very hard on you.
You need to protect your MH too.
Your first obligation is to your family and keeping well throughout this.

If that means you need to confide in a good friend, so be it.
Being tied to silence is controlling and not right.

You choose who you speak to.
You didn't cause this situation, yet you are left to manage the collateral damage of it.

Their shame, and wish for silence, is not your primary concern.

Do NOT hesitate to protect yourself.

This is not something that will pass, this is now part of the narrative of your lives.

It's a shit show, but you have to prioritise yourself, your family, your MH.

@5stressed you are doing incredibly well. The most recent time we found this out about a family member (family member 2 of 2, the first one was several years ago). I literally didn't get out of bed again for about 4 days. I mean, I did, because I have 2 young children, but I couldn't work for about a week. I couldn't sleep, but then I couldn't get up in the morning either. I spent a lot of time just letting them play downstairs and lying upstairs in the dark in my room. Just couldn't function. It's about a month on now and it's better, but still not okay.

I would encourage you to be open with your dh about the information you know. And I'd also say you should talk with friends about it. It isn't your responsibility to protect anyone and I've only ever found friends to be incredibly supportive when I've talked with them. I think people wouldn't have been as supportive if I'd kept it a secret and they found out later, especially if those people had any contact with the family member themselves. In some cases, this person (well, both of them) had spent time around their children too. But I've received nothing but support. I also think it makes it a lot harder to just sweep it under the rug if you've started talking about it, and ultimately, it's not something that should be swept under the rug.

These cases are quite common unfortunately that it's unlikely to make the papers unless the person is quite prominent. I don't think either family member in my case ever made the papers (hence why we didn't know - we only found out years later, after both had been convicted, one spent time in prison, and were on the sexual offenders register). These were for offences involving sexual abuse of a child (not indecent images, in one case the child was a family member). For that matter, even police and SS were not at all interested in other children in the family. They were completely unhelpful, in fact, and I would say the police were fairly obstructive. When I wanted support in relation to my own children and concerns about this family member, they pretty much said it wasn't their problem and nothing they could do to help unless I had a crime to report. So what I'm saying is that I wouldn't be too concerned about SS. They will be unlikely to be too interested, especially if you live far from each other.

If you can give each other time to decompress and some space to think, that really helped me. I did a lot of just walking out the door and walking for a couple hours to have some headspace. Running has helped me too. Just having some time to think when it isn't all about work or cooking dinner or dealing with kids.

Hi @5tressed, re social care, it'll be your local council that will call. It'll probably be instigated by the allocated police or probation officer.
Police and Probation will speak to your relative, if he tells them that he has contact with your kids, then a child safeguarding referral gets carried out. A social worker will risk assess you and your husband to check that you two can safeguard your kids were they to come into direct/ indirect contact with him. If he does not say anything about having contact with you (which would big a red flag for us), then contact your childrens services to self refer. It'll be fine, promise x

It is important to engage with social services on this matter . They will be undertaking a potential safeguarding where they will be looking to protect people if needed. I think they are a good resource and I would definatly engage as they should provide you with the information/support you need

@billy1966 thank you. yes you're right it isn't fair to have restrictions on who i can talk to - but i'm hoping in time that DH's acceptance will run as far as being able to cope with more people knowing. We're still at eggshell treading stage. Very tiring. This feels like it has gone of for weeks already!

@mindutopia ah you're only a month in. Not so far in front of us then. It's such a minefield isn't it? You want to talk, but the times when everyone is sitting seeming quite normal you don't want to spoil the mood by mentioning it! DH is managing to get some headspace while at work. The mistake he made on Monday after going to work still in deep shock has sort of got better and now he is finding work the handy distraction it can be. He wont tell his best mate/work mate exactly what's happening, but he knows something's up and it sounds as if he's trying to keep DH cheerful. We're having a bit of 'He Who Can't Be Named' sort of atmosphere going on at home at the moment. It doesn't feel quite right but i know DH is still wrestling with it all. Where are we? Only day 5.

Thank you @wizzywig that's really really useful x. Any contact with him would be at the elderly relatives house (where he is staying now) with other adult family around. I have no idea if it would be expected of us to put on a show and turn up as usual as a family to the summer get together we are due there next month. The thought of that makes me a bit panicky. I know that one member of the family wanted to hide it all from spouses ...

I know that one of DHs siblings have had the call from SS already. And that it was 'traumatic'. Nobody knows i know that. Oh the tangled web! DH hasn't had his call yet. I would very much like to speak to them myself, i have questions i'm perfectly happy to ask which i think DH will shy away from. But it's not my number they have. If nothing happens by Tuesday i will look into it.

@Molly333 thank you. This helps.

This all helps. Thank you all again for keeping this thread alive for me x

For those of you who are namechanging regularly because of something that's outing, like in this thread, you can make it easier on yourself.

When you write your post, you see your username above the box. You can overtype that username with another, if the other username is already in your username history. No need to keep going and changing back and forth in your profile.

I use a second username when I'm writing about stuff specific to me leaving ex, as I don't want any connection to this username.

Meanwhile, OP, I hope you and your DH can find a way to peace through this awful situation.

Testing that theory!

@MulticolourMophead

For those of you who are namechanging regularly because of something that's outing, like in this thread, you can make it easier on yourself.

When you write your post, you see your username above the box. You can overtype that username with another, if the other username is already in your username history. No need to keep going and changing back and forth in your profile.

I use a second username when I'm writing about stuff specific to me leaving ex, as I don't want any connection to this username.

Meanwhile, OP, I hope you and your DH can find a way to peace through this awful situation.

Ooh fab - thanks @MulticolourMophead

You’re doing so so well. Keep posting on here of it helps, sometimes it’s good to just write things down. Re ss the advice given above was spot on. For them it will be about safe guarding. When your husband speaks to them ask him to pass your number on if you have questions. Ultimately I think it will be hard for your dh to process, he in turn will turn to you. You need to be able to turn to someone even if it’s on here. Get all the info you can and then take a step back, to look at the situation and how you want to move forward. It’s such an awful position to be in, but, when you have more details you will feel more in control. As bizarre as that sounds. Much love to you, it’s a terrible position to be in.

Hello just came to mention The LUCY FAITHFUL FOUNDATION- I know they’ve already been mentioned but wanted to re iterate the good work they do. They have an advice line for families in your situation OP. Please check them out.

@MulticolourMophead - Oh.My.God How many years have i been on here and never knew that?! (mind you i don't name change that often). Thank you so much!

@Tweacle, thank you x. I totally agree that more info. means more feeling of control. I'm all at sea and hating it. If it's as bad as i think it might be then DH would be better off knowing. Otherwise it'll be just another bomb shell in a couple of months. He's happy not to know the details at the mo. I'm keen for SS to ring (an unusual thing i imagine) but at the same time i know it will be a horrible call for DH. We had no idea why they would be trying to call us when it was mentioned the first time. Steep learning curve and now it seems obvious and i'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner. 'The knock' as it seems to be called, happened way back at the beginning of the year apparently. Maybe because everyone else has corroborated the same thing: we're miles away and see the person only a couple of times a year.

@Divebar thank you. If i can't find out the info i need i will be ringing.

Will SS be able to tell us the charges?

If it's any consolation, I also been on here for years and only learned about the typing in the username box a couple of years ago.

Ref the charges. I'd be wondering if they are worse than you've been initially told, given that SS seem to be wanting contact with you, even though you are so far away.

MulticolourMophead I know zero about SS and what triggers what. Speaking broadly though i am feeling that there is minimising going on. I am quite far down on the info chain but am listening VERY carefully to the bits filtering down the bit i stumbled on by accident. I am wary of putting 2 and 2 together and making 5, but i'm thinking i wont be that shocked if it's worse. The trouble is there's layers of people sharing the info. The first layer is blaming memory fog, the next doesn't want anyone to know anything so ..., and the last layer, my poor DH, is happy in a fog of non-clarity so isn't asking much anyway. I can't ring round the family demanding answers. I have to wait ...

Can anyone you trust go to court for you op? It’s the surest way of knowing.

I doubt if they will tell you charges, they will however give you some insight. You’re right it will be hard, but better that you learn from an outsider so to speak. It’s almost as if some families try to downplay things, minimise them or find a reason why. Part of the coping mechanism for some I think. You’re doing amazingly well at the moment. And you’re also being so good at supporting your dh whilst your mind is running amok. Keep on chatting wherever you can. It may well be hard to hear the details, but trust me it’s better in the long run for you and yours.

I'm afraid nobody will tell you exactly what is going on, you will only ever have his version of it unless it is ... a) in the papers b) you go to court c) he is part of a professional body ie: nursing and it is public information.

That's twice I've done an a,b,c scenario 🤣🤣

Social services will want to know what contact he has with your children and whether you plan on future contact. They also interviewed my children, I told them (the children) that it was to do with my new job and it happened to everyone who worked with children. The SW was lovely.

I've had some professional involvement with a few of these cases, if it's a non-contact offence eg internet images and a first time being caught offence then it's VERY unlikely he'll get a custodial sentence. Like a pp said these cases are extremely commonplace.

@timeisnotaline It's going to be a looooong way from where i live, (like 6 hours drive each way) I don't know anybody who would be able to do that for me. I wouldn't be able to go even if it was only up the road as (I'm assuming) the 'elders' will go and they'd see me.

@Tweacle thank you for saying we're doing amazingly :) I think i'm going to have to wait till he's been to court. The initial phone call from him mentioned a 'first' court appearance in Sept. How many will there be? And does that tell us anything? I've tried googling for this info. but it's not easy.

@thisismynamechange1 god! You're a reluctant expert at all this then That was a clever way to help your DC. In our scenario it's C. Still nothing from ss. DH has made the journey this morning to visit with the family member at the 'half way house'. He's there now. I wanted to go with him on the journey (but not go in) because his stress levels escalate so fast right now and i'm worried about him concentrating on the drive. He wouldn't let me. I'm probably being OTT. Just quietly worrying away seems to be my lot in life at the mo. I don't honestly think he will ask any searching questions. I think he'll just want the visit to pass with as little as poss. anxiety and come home. I can understand that.